Ok i have still been reading all your replies.
I really feel you have all taken this too far. please try and read all i write before continuing to believe that i am allowing my children to be abused. Apologies that my post doesn't flow too well, i am tired.
We have differences of opinion on discipline. I cannot believe that we are the only couple who do. The physical discipline is not an issue now due to me standing up for my children in the past. My concern for the relationship between them is the low level of positive interaction from him. He acknowledges that this isn't good enough. The reason we are at this break point is because i am standing up for them.
I can see and have told him that the way he treats them is damaging them and it cannot continue. He too understands that, and while he wants to change isn't sure if he can and doesn't want to be back at this point again in the future, ie doesn't want to make "promises" he's not sure he can keep and the consequences of that for all of us. I'm not explaining myself very well but this is not just a case of switching a switch and suddenly adoring my children, it will take time and effort to build and improve the bond. Yes in most cases it would have happened by now, but we are trying to improve the situation.
I am prepared to end the relationship if the situation doesn't change, hence why we are at this point. I don't think that life is as black and white as you seem to imply. We have a problem and are trying to sort it out the best way possible. We are under no illusions that the best way may be for him not to be in the family but trying to see if we can work it out without taking that measure as there is a lot of good too about our life, which is worth fighting for.
By posting on here, i hoped to get some pointers on how step parents have overcome similar issues successfully, but instead have been flamed as a neglectful abusive selfish parent and troll. If i was that neglectful mother i wouldn't even acknowledge that there was a problem, let alone post on here, with the will ensure that the situation will be changed.
At the time of my op, i felt he didn't want to consider outside help or other strategies to change. However, while searching for help online he came across this thread. He has as a result examined if he is actually the demon you all think he is (btw he isn't imo) and whilst your perceptions of the situation are extreme he acknowledges that the situation cannot continue.
I imagine you will all think that that is why i am writing this, (because of my fear of the repurcussions of him reading it)but that is not the case. We are not a potential baby p case or in need of social services intervention. I am looking out for my babies, and want the best for them, hence this whole debacle. Who knows what way our lives will end up, ie together or seperate, but i assure you all, the children are my priority. That doesn't mean that this isn't painful, to be on the cusp of a relationship breakup. I wish i, or anyone i knew, had the problem free lives and you all seem to live.
I did also post thanks previously to those who shared their horrible experiences as children. I am sorry you had to go through this.
WRT to my previous posts, i am pleased to say that my 4 yr is now a lot less whingy, and excelling at school. He is a much happier boy both at home and school. Still prone to some whinging but what 4 year old isn't? He was whingy as a very young baby, before i even met his stepdad. Apparantly his dad was too as a young boy, dosen't make is easy to live with 24/7 though. Can't remember now what else you brought up but seriously we are ok.
Don't think i'll post again as i obviously get to a point before i resort to posting where i use emotive language to describe whats going on, which can be misconstrued easily online without tone and the whole picture etc.
Please stop worrying about my children now.