What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

RB - who initiated it - very initially it was probably me. however after that him. I had very strong feelings for him, but did not expect anything to happen because he was married. he then made it clear that he felt similarly, and it went from there.

I know enough about MM (we have mutual friends etc) to be fairly certain I was the first, and only OW. i cant see him using prostitutes, and he doesnt have the spare cash either.

WWIFN - I dont know or care whether my MM loves his wife more than me. He loves his children more than either of us, which is as it should be.

I don't think you can generalise as to whether anyone would stay or go - I have friends of both sexes who are in unhappy marriages, and in essence staying for the children, or to preserve their way of life/finances. not everyone is able to make a clean break - I speak as someone who was in a relationship for 8 years, for at least the last 5 of which I had no emotional feelings for the other person. So certainly love was not my reason for remaining.

hatesponge - ok, you're were probably in a stronger position than most ow, as you had mutual friends and therefore knew some background about him other than what he told you, although it was only hearsay.

Did you love him? I sympathise with anyone who is in love with someone that is already attached but tbh with you not if any deceit becomes involved but I do understand where the temptation comes from.

I think, deep down, the OW believes she's special enough to be The One for her man. The one who will finally tame him, the one he will love truly and deeply and forever.

So, delusional, and suffering (but she doesn't know it) from a very unrealistic sense of who exactly she is and what she brings to the table, as well as a failure to appreciate the limitations of her partner's character.

And also, belief in her own specialness contributes to the idea that normal rules don't apply to her. OWs believe they are exceptional.

I don't think they think they're special. They think they're lesser, that they cannot get a man like that who is free to settle for one who isn't - low self esteem or actualyl probably a whole raft of reasons.

But what should always be made clear and women wronged never like to think this, only the married person commits adultery and they bear a greater moral responsibility. Someone who loves their husband is bound to hate the mistress and say she lured the man away but in cat more than 50% of the blame mut be with the man . Plenty of men and women choose not to stray. It is possible to help yourself not to and indeed end a bad relationship before moving to another one with a decent break in between.

And sometimes it's true there's no sex in the marriage - you only have to look at the thousands of threads on mumsnet of women who don't seem to think it will be a problem in their marriage if it becomes sexless or once in a blue moon (and men too). That doesn't justify their other half committing adultery but it IS a problem for the other spouse no matter what the one who isn't bothered about having sex might think.

When I met married man I was very happy, did not have low self esteem issues. I had a very good career, which I still have (working part time now due to dd ) . It started off as a friendship. It grew into something neither of us wanted to leave. Neither did we plan it or set out to hurt anybody . I had no clue about the hurt this would cause other family ... The marriage was so bad I thought the children would be happy to see their dad out of it and happy. I was wrong ...

I see now the judgement not only on this thread and previous ones but in my everyday life. We will be forever judged. This is something have struggled to get passed but by accepting and understanding people it allows it to happen. I have learnt much about myself and the society in which we all live in. We DP and I have gone thru much pain but in the eyes of others we deserve it. There does come a time though that you do have to move on from the shame and guilt of the pain you have caused to have the happiness that you have and move on.

I remember having lunch with a close friend once who was telling me how her boyfriend's wife deserved to be cheated on because she didn't trust him She gave the example of when they were at a party and a woman had asked the mm to roll a dodgy cig for her, and the wife had gone ballistic and hustled him home immediately. I mean, she said, the way she reacted you'd have thought they were having an affair or something.

Wait a minute, I said; the woman who asked him to etc, that was you, wasn't it? Well, yes, she said. But you WERE having an affair with her husband, I pointed out. That's not the point, she said crossly. She didn't know we were.

OK, we're still friends, but sometimes I do wonder what planet she's on.

Maybe mm do love their wives more than the OW. But let's face it, getting a divorce is a lot of effort. You lose money, people get upset, your kids get upset, you have to move, you lose money (wait, I already said that). It's a hassle. Maybe that's sometimes the real reason they don't leave, not the fact that they love their wives (although some serial adulterers undoubtedly do - see Alan Clark).

The person I knew was very, very smug. It's awful to hear.

Brahms - I think theres a lot of truth in what you say. It may not apply to every situation but I do think often on both sides - and I know women in this position - that it's sometimes simply easier all round to preserve the status quo.

Dittany - you are clearly approaching this from a different perspective to me. My view is that I'm entitled to like or not to like anyone, whoever they may be. Just as I don't expect everyone I ever meet to like me. You seem to think that because I was with MM, I cannot think anything adverse about his wife. I don't agree. And I don't see how I'm judging her to say I don't like certain things about her. But so be it.

As to how their children would feel, well I don't know them at all, so I don't feel I can comment on their feelings. I can say however that in the case of my own children, they have been far happier since I left their father, and knowing that split had been precipitated by an affair (it wasn't, but as a for instance) would make very little difference to them. But that's my children, and my situation. I don't presume to comment on anyone else's. But what I do know is that there are worse things for children to put up with than their parents splitting up.

ATEOTD, I didn't deliberately or calculatedly seek out this man. I didn't go through a process of thinking lets ignore every suitable single man in the vicinity just to go for the one unavailable one. I didn't enter into some Fatal Attraction style pursuit of him. I didn't force him to be with me. We loved each other, and I had some of the happiest times of my adult life with him.

However much you may feel I should, I'm not going to self-flaggelate and say I'm a bad person, or that it was all terribly WRONG, and I will burn in hell etc. I'm not going to apologise for having been happy. My view is that life is short, if you have a chance to be happy you should take it. I may well never meet anyone else I feel the same way about again - certainly I hadn't in the 30 odd years previously.

Great to see your post hatesponge, find myself sometimes guilty for been happy. Also been put down and dis respected by others for been happy. Life is short, our relationship is not terribly wrong and we will not burn in hell. We are both good people. Better than some that live in their 'status quo' marriages ...

MCDL- I'm pleased for you that your situation worked out, albeit obviously not without difficulty. And you shouldn't, imo, feel guilty about having found happiness together. Your point about your DP's children was interesting - I think because my own children were, frankly, relieved when their dad and I split, I tend to expect everyone's children would feel the same...in reality that's clearly not always the case. Particularly I suppose depending on the attitude of the wronged spouse...for example I have a friend who was married, met someone else, left her husband and moed her and Dc in with new man. Several years on they are all very happy, and the children have coped well. However I think this is because her ExH works away a lot, so sees his DC no less now as he did before - plus I think he had also emotionally 'checked out' of their marriage, so finding out about the affair etc was less of a shock than if he's thought all was fine.

Dittany - I'm not responsible for anyone's happiness other than my own and (whilst they are still young) my children's. It's the same for everyone. I don't go through life thinking I cant do XYZ, whatever that might be, in case it might upset someone else. I don't know if his wife was happy before, or if she is now. But what I do know is that her happiness is her responsibility, not mine. I also know that her husband wasn't happy, otherwise our affair would never have happened.

As to superiority, I think most of the time that I'm great. The fact I can still think that, and maintain my self belief after having been physically and verbally abused in a past relationship is to me an achievement. I never felt the need to compare myself to the wife, or to consider whether I was better than her, or vice versa, because I was never in a competition. I was never trying to 'win'.

"My view is that life is short, if you have a chance to be happy you should take it."

"I don't go through life thinking I cant do XYZ, whatever that might be, in case it might upset someone else."

In those two short statements Hate Sponge, you have illustrated the sense of entitlement and selfishness that Dittany is pointing out.

All the people I want to know in life do think about how their actions might affect others - and would never "take a chance to be happy" if that would mean huge hurt and pain to someone else and their children.

I also feel sorry for the man's wife that there are also "friends" passing on her innermost thoughts to the OW, but tbh, I'm always a bit sceptical about whether this is actually true anyway - and whether in fact all this information is actually coming from the betraying spouse.

I don't actually think this helps an OW come to terms with the break-up if she believes that the man was only staying because of the children or the hassle a divorce would cause. Far better I think to conclude that if he really wanted to be with you, he would have left and suffered the consequences, like MCDL's partner did.

It's honest of you HateSponge to admit that initially it was you doing the running in this affair, but I'm astonished at your inability to view your behaviour as in any way wrong - and to feel no sorrow for the hurt and pain caused to others. I also think that until your children have actually faced a marriage that has ended because of adultery, like MCDL, no-one can accurately predict how they might have felt. IME, children usually feel very differently about a marriage breaking up because of the presence of a third party.

If I had known how our relationship would affect and hurt people, friends, family, children. I would have not continued. I thought his children would be happy to see their Dad happy. As it depended (as hatesponge so rightly said) on the attitude of the wronged spouse. I was naive and tbh not wise enuf to see. Unfortunately I got it wrong. Having happiness at the expense of others hurt is not really true happiness, there is always guilt. If and when DP's children accept our dd and can not feel the hurt they do toward DP and I can our happiness not be interuppted by guilt.

WWIFN - I dont know anyone who constantly thinks about the effects of any of their actions on others. Possibly all my friends and acquaintances are are selfish as me? I have never been called selfish by anyone who knows me - and of those who know the whole situation with me and MM, I have generally received kind comments, and a few people I know were actually surprised that I could, and did, walk away from it given the depth of feelings involved etc.

I suppose therefore I would question how selfish I am because if I was, surely I would still be there, in the thick of it?

The information I had came largely from her - I hardly ever discussed her with my MM. I never thought it was my place to comment on or discuss their relationship, so it wasn't mentioned. He told me he was unhappy, and the reasons for this. Beyond that nothing was said.

Dittany - I don't like some of her views. I don't have the same views. I am not saying my views are better or worse but different.

And time spent with me was never time away from his family, nor mine. We saw each other at times when he would not have been with them.

As my comment re him being unhappy was meant in the context that I don't know whether or not she was happy before all this. I know he wasn't.

"How will you feel when he starts telling his next OW that he's not happy with you, and she decides it's her job to sort that out for him?"

Dittany . This very bitter and nasty of you. What is your story, why the bitterness ?

Dittany, Ex wife was and is an alcholic, out of control and terrible behaviour continues.

If DP decided to have an affair with another woman and leave me, that is his choice it wont be because I am a poor mother, a drunk, abusive, etc.

mcdl

you may not like what dittany has said

but the simple fact remains

you are with a man who has cheated on a wife before

is it not just a matter of time before he does it to you ? How could you relax, knowing what he is obviously capable of ?

what is so special about you, he won't repeat the pattern ?

these are the questions that would keep me awak at night, were I in a relationship brought about in this way

If DP chooses to cheat, well then so be it. I dont own him or control him. At the moment I am sure he is devoted to this family. He has been given a second chance to get it right. If he ever did feel the need to cheat, our relationship would end but we would remain amicable for sake of what we had, what we went through to get it and for our dd. There would be no bitterness.

Nobody owns anybody. Relationships/marriages sometimes are not for life ...

There would be no bitterness ? OK

Well, you obviously have it sorted. Congratulations.