What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

MCDL, hatesponge - have you two ever been cheated on? what were your past relationships like? good, bad?

DP's reaction to problems in his marriage did not result in him having an affair, it resulted in a friendship which after sometime escalated into an affair and he making the decision to leave his wife.

No I have not ever been cheated on but I do come from a very disfunctional marriage which in itself I feel very cheated by. I understand why marriages dont always work out. I understand you cant control or own anybody. I understand alcholism. I beleive that staying together for sake of children is wrong.

My relationships which there were two, were long, rewarding and successful.

Rabbit - How do you feel about his wife now you are in a long term relationship? (poor cow there must have been 100's of women over the years.)Did you ever put yourself in the wife's position? (ahem, excuse the pun ). What were your thoughts about the wife then and did you talk about her with the mm?

He told me a little about his wife. She seemed a bit unmotivated, but he loved her. I know she is attractive and only two years older than me. I never put myself in her position as we did not talk about his relationship much. I know that I probably wouldn't have done it if he had children. I can only say probably not because you never completely know. When I started my long term relationship we agreed no extra marital stuff. Neither of us have any inclination to do this. However we have only been going out for five years so you never know in the future. I can't imagine having an affair on my partner because I love him to bits. Also, the stress of lying to him would be intolerable. I would feel physically sick if I did the dirty on my partner. When I think if my time which was a year with my married man it still makes me smile. I suppose because I know that his wife has a good life with him.

It's a b it more complicated than simple reasons. There are lots of different kinds of unhappy marriages and it's hard to generalise. In my own marriage as someone else posted above we got on so badly the children were glad it ended. They were asking me to rid them of him. That however is not the experience for most men who cheat and their children's lives are often virtually destroyed - they move to tiny flats, have to mvoe schools and don't see much of their father and when they do he's with the hated other woman who obviously they would quite like to knife to death whenever they see her with him.

Isn't it 30% of married people of both genders who cheat so this is not an uncommon thing but that doesn't make it right. because I'm single and divorced the first thing I ask any man who contacts me on line is if he's married. I can't see the point of going after someone married and I'm terribly good at working out if they're lying.

As Goldsmith said - if you marry the mistress you create a vacancy. Serial cheats will cheat on wife no 2 and this time she really cannot be surprised. One of the many women in the Tiger Woods case was cross because he had cheated on her and although he apologised to his wife he didn't apologise to her. If you read TW's alleged texts deadspin.com/5496451/sexting-tiger-threatened-to-slap-spank-bite-and-fuck-till-mercy (only do so if you won't be offended by them) then you can see it's just fun.

Two men I know (not in a biblical sense) who have talked about their wives and lover would both say they really did very much love their wife. As I say to my 5 childern if I'm asked whom I love most love isn't a limited thing. We can love a lot of people. It's very complicated and not everyone is naturally monogamous and plenty of couples live in open relationships although I'm sure most of us don't want that, whether we're male or female.

These men sleep around usualyl asume their wife is a virginal madonna. The suggestion she might have double the number of lovers the husband has and if he's happy to take lovers presumably he's more than happy he does.. that's a good question to put to cheating men... they often are absolutely sure she'd never stray.

Anyway plenty of different situations - people in awful marriages, people allwoed by their spouse to go elsewhere, people with a spouse at it (not that that justifies it), people who use prostitutes or who get emotionally involved with someone at work but don't actually have sex.

The comment above about reputation is correct though - people will always say - she or he cheated and committed adultery - they met when they were still married. It is there. It doesn't help your public profile or the view of your friends. I was reading about Princess D's brother today. He did himself no favours in the alleged adultery when his second wife had two very small children who I think he's now trying to evict by legal proceedings from their home in London as he's marrying someone else. Doesn't matter how bad a marriage is there is nothing to stop him seeking counselling, keeping his trousers up, if things break down parting, then divorcing but still doing a lot to help with the babies and then after a decent interval of a year or two of sxual abstinence which never kills anyone find somenoe else. If you choose not to do it that way it's a good thing you will be subject to public opporobrium. Nor do I think there are many situations which justify anyone leaving very tiny chidlren and babies no matter how awful things are at home. It's not on. Dumping 3 children under 5 on the errant husband's love nest so new younger lover can see what it's like to be up ever 2 hours all night and then up from 5am clearing up sick is a good way to douse lust.

My quite extensive experience of divorced/blended families isn't like that at all, though. In my DD's year at school there are a lot of children with older half-siblings and I cannot think of one case where there is acrimony between children of first marriages and stepmothers, or half-siblings. Is that because these are families that are well-off, with intelligent parents who are good at handling a wide variety of human relationships?

Oh come on, of course there is but may be the French just don't voice it.

You only have to look at the wicked step mother Snow White stories and look at the amount of child abuse between step fathers and daughters to know it can be a recipe for disaster not some happily ever after thing when man finds true love with second wife. In the UK 60% of second marriages with children fail.

ittany - I'm afraid you assume far too much about my sordid relationship, which was anything but. I never worked with MM. We saw each other at night, after he finished work, when his children were asleep (he returned home in the morning long before they got up) or whilst they were at school or at playdates/with GPs etc - the same for my children. Both of us are devoted parents whatever you might think, and neither ever compromised the time the other had with their own children, however much we wanted to see each other.

I never felt it was my job to make him happy. he certainly made me extremely happy, as far as he was concerned I only ever wanted him to understand he had the right to be happy, and to do what made him happy. whatever that was, was for him to determine.

MCDL - your comment is exactly how I feel, indeed how I have always felt - that people aren't possessions to be owned, or ordered around.

Have I been cheated on? Yes - once. I was heavily pregnant at the time, my relationship was under strain, I knew what was going on, but I decided not to confront my then P but to monitor the situation to see what happened. It very quickly fizzled out with the arrival of our baby. In hindsight, P turned out not to be a very nice man (he is the Ex I was with for 8 years, most of it unhappily) and frankly had I kicked him out then I would have saved myself and my children a lot of upset and distress in the longer term.

Other than that I have had no 'bad' relationships, but none where my feelings about the other person were that strong either. Make of that what you will.

Many immature people mistake passionate sex and relations for love.

A leopard doesn't change its spots, though.

I agree, Xenia.

hs, I disagree that the timings of when you met never took away from the time he spent with his wife/children

yes, they did

because all the energy and emotion he invested in you was detracting from them constantly

"no, dd, daddy can't play with you today, daddy is too tired (from shagging OW all night)..."

"no, wife, I can't talk to you about how badly I am treating you right now, and how I am never around (because I need to free some time up to shag the OW)...."

you can't see the subtext here ?

just because his kids were in bed, did not mean the time he spent with you did not detract from their relationship

you are sooooo very naive and misguided, truly, you are not facing up to the damage you did to that family

shame on you

The families around me are not French, particularly, but all nationalities - lots of mixed couples, so families with several languages/nationalities/religions by the time all the members of the blended families are taken into account. They aren't cold and polite, but warm, outgoing and friendly. Lots of blended families work pretty well!

If DP decided to have an affair with another woman and leave me, that is his choice it wont be because I am a poor mother, a drunk, abusive, etc.

Oh, they ALL have an ex like that. Then the mistress thinks, 'He won't do it to me because I'm so much better than she is.' And she tells herself this so much she usually convinces herself it's true.

Because the reality is too scary to face: that your partner was too immature and selfish to have the decency and common courtesy to end his relationship first before finding a replacement, and that's pretty low.

Sorry, I missed the quotation marks:

'If DP decided to have an affair with another woman and leave me, that is his choice it wont be because I am a poor mother, a drunk, abusive, etc.'

'Lots of blended families work pretty well!'

Were they all founded on infidelity?

Actually, I have no idea how they were founded. I am just trying to refute the myth that all second/blended families are emotional disaster zones - one of those popular MN myths, that accompanies that other popular MN myth which is that Wife No 1 is always a saint in every way.

I think women are just as "guilty" of looking for a replacement before ending their current relationship as men are. As long as you are reasonably discreet about it, it sounds like common sense to me.

" Is that because these are families that are well-off, with intelligent parents who are good at handling a wide variety of human relationships?"

Sorry, but that comment had me HOWLING

Bonsoir, you are verging on a parody of yourself...

hs...any comment on my take on your situation ?

AF - I'm not sure you are that interested in any comment I might make. FWIW, we didn't spend a great deal of time together. He was rarely with me all night, and in fact generally suffers from insomnia so would not be asleep even when he was at home. If he saw me late in the evening, it was after he finished work, and long after his wife would have gone to bed, so he wouldn't be missing time with her, and if and when I saw him during the day, whilst the children were at school, his wife was at work, so again not missing time with her then either.

But then what would I know, being as naive and misguided as I am?

Anyfucker ... Wot ur situation ... Ur name on this thread suggest somethings ... I take it u are male ..

hs...you over-explain, that is all

I felt it needed pulling up

just in case anyone was believing you hadn't taken emotional time away from that family

I wasn't expecting you to suddenly denounce your behaviour, seriously

your denial is too well-rationalised for that

mcdl...every post I make is pro-women (but not pro-cheating people)

whatever my gender...what the hell does my name have to do with anything ?

I think you are a bit thick

hatessponge - Do you think beacuse (as you said)you weren't taking any of his time away from his wife that makes it less bad?