What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

Almost ten years ago I met a man through work, we worked alongside each other and were friends and then one day I realised I was hugely attracted to him. He was married.

When I realised I did my best to avoid him but the spark was undeniable. I would never have believed it was possible but being in the same room as him was like being hit by lightening. The chemistry was palpable.

We did our best to avoid each other and skirted around each other for almost a year. Then one night he told me he had fallen in love with me. I am not proud of it but our affair started that night.

Since that we have had time together and time apart. I left my job and moved 100's of miles away but something always draws us back together. I love him. I believe he loves me.

Does he have children, are you single do you have children ...

We both have young children. If he hadn't had a child when we first got together I am certain he would have left his wife (although I will no doubt be called hopelessly naive by many on this thread)

AF ~ yes I accpet that it was an emotional affair. I was stupid to think that feelings aren't as important as contact, I have really learnt ALOT. I remember talking to friends about it, and the response was....'you only talked to him on line, whats the problem?' I suppose that was my attitude at the time, and because we weren't declaring undying love, I didn't for a second think it was possible for it to be a problem. I maintain that I tried for it not to get involved, we had been friends as children and I guess that I put some trust in someone because of that, when really I suppose I didn't know him at all, just felt 'safe' I guess. I was in a bad place emotionally (my marriage was falling apart) and when someone shows you kindness and attention (not flirty attention, just wanting to chat I mean) I suppose it is hard to knock back for no other reason than 'incase' it becomes an emotional affair. I'll know better next time. In fact we spent most of our time talking about religion and he was well respected member of his church again I was thrown 'off the scent' of him chasing me, and when he said he was happily married I completely accpeted that as being true (although I wonder now why he even told me he was happily married). We even spent time talking between his wife, me and him about certain topics. I understand it became an emotional affair because there were feelings, but I suppose I felt it was an attraction that would fizzle out when we all met up, we had discussed it and it was out in the open with all parties (except probably his wife I now realise). Clearly that was naive of me as it only increased his feelings, I should have stayed well clear.

Redish~ Yes, i suppose he is looking for a relationship in as much as he wants to keep in touch. He just is telling me that he is going to marriage counselling and his wife has been 'advised' not to mention my name, I don't think they have talked about what has happened much, just trying to get on with things. He says he still has feelings for me and has told his wife as much. They often argue about it and he has been told to go and live with me. She is hurting very much, she has e mailed me to say she forgives me, although he seems a bit like he is 'going through the motions' to be honest. Probably looking for a way out of his marriage, but interesting all those on MN that say men often don't leave a marriage unless they have somewhere to go. He comes into that catergory.

Are you single or married ..

MCDL if that q was for me then the answer is I am currently separated. I married after I met the MM and that relationship is ending. Not directly because of the MM but obviously my feelings for him play a part in most things I do.

couldntbe - are you still in contact with mm?

redish yes since me and H separated we have been seeing each other again. Prior to that I had managed to stay away for two years. I have no idea how things are going to work out.

couldntbe - How do you want things to work out ultimately? and what does he say he wants in the long run?

Couldntbebetter, u are very brave to come on this thread.

If you have read my posts you will see the pain and hurt that all people go through (including the OW) when the first family gets broken up. How old are your children and his ... Have you both discussed been together and telling his wife ?

nearlyy...you sound like a nice person who has also been burned and is remorseful about how others have been too

you do deserve better than a man who has a foot in both camps

please bin him off, completely

for your own sake...not for his

It is nice AnyFucker to see that you have calmed down a little on the 'OW', it is not always so black and white.

'It is nice AnyFucker to see that you have calmed down a little on the 'OW', it is not always so black and white.'

nearlyy hasn't gone so far as to play a role in the breakup of a family's life.

that's where it gets black and white.

you either cut it off or you chose not to.

this poor woman's pain is pretty black.

And she's one of countless on here.

When you screw someone else's spouse, this is what it does to people.

It would take a pretty messed up person to go there and not realise that.

mcdl...I meant to say earlier, but got caught up in RL for a while

call me a patronising cow if you like (I think someone will....even if you do not ), but you have shown compassion and integrity on this thread in not losing your temper under provocation and answering pretty intrusive questions to the best of your ability

of course, no-one sets out to hurt people ( or at least only a minority do)

Yes, people should talk about it. So the people who stay involved when they know neither will leave the other, they must regard the times together, the sex, the love or whatever it is as worth the risk of damage to others and their own happiness.

I don't accept that even if you work with someone and they are married or you both are and you fall in love you have to give in to that. If I learn someone is married or I see the wedding ring it immediately puts me off them.

I suppose we're just seeing the bad side here and plenty of people manage fine. Some men have second families hidden away. Apparently women are better than men at hiding secret lovers but I don't see the attraction of having to hide something. Is the hiding the fun bit for some? and if it were mundane, Mr Dull single who could indeed be yours because no one else wants him you would like him less because it's not forbidden fruit.

Thank you AF~ I do feel remorseful for the hurt i have caused and I have to admit there is a part of me that has thought 'what if', but then that is what an affair is all about. I suppose I just wanted to put on here that there are women that do resist married men even when there is an attraction and it is very hard. If we were both single I wouldn't have thought twice about being with him. I just don't want any man to have his cake and eat it. It all about his ego I suspect and maybe the reason he is continuing to contact me is purely because he can't bear the thought of being turned down .
I don't want to 'block' his emails purely because i suspect it will make him worse if he can't 'rant'. He can see they are being delivered (I think) and if that lets him let off steam then fine. I would rather that then him getting a bit obsessive with me and destroying things in his life completely. Whilst I am not answering I suppose/hope he will get bored and move on. I have and am moving on and now starting to get to know a very SINGLE (divorced for years) nice man! Thank Gawd there are some out there!

MCDL - not that brave I have namechanged after all!

I suppose I'm just trying to illustrate the alternative perspective, to the all OW are vindictive bitches that are out to cause maximum pain, point of view. I didn't go looking for a MM and I wish to god that he wasn't, I do realise that regardless of how things turn out none of us are going to get out of this situation unscathed.

I am not trying to portray myself as a vicitm and realise I am culpable but IMO it is very simplisitic for people to say well you just stay away from MM. Jeez I've tried.

redish Honestly I don't know how I want things to work out. My separation is a relatively recent occurance and I realise I am quite fragile as a result. OM and I haven't discussed the future this time round. Again I will probably be told I am naive but I think if I asked him to choose he would leave but I am not ready to do that.

We try not to discuss it at any great length - it all gets a bit tortuous and depressing.

Sorry but I am going to have to add an opposing view here. Why is it so very much better to split from a partner in order to "screw someone else's spouse" bearing in mind that a split will break up a family?

I don't think it is a particularly honourable route to split up with your partner, when children are involved, every time you meet somone else that you fancy. What is so honorable about that?

Why is serial monogamy so much better? I have met people (men, mostly) who have two or three families behind them. Each time they meet somone they can have a relationship with, they up roots and move on, leaving a trail of devastation behind them.

No doubt they thought they did the "honourable" thing by the latest girl friend. Okay, so they didn't "cheat" (over-emotive, Daily Mail expression) but they still left a trail of destruction. To be honest, I would have far more respect for a man who stuck by his family and had a discreet mistress.

Takes all I guess.

CouldntBe.
My advice to you is to build a future with this man or dont .... Do not allow the affair to continu.

If you do make sure his children do not feel rejected by him.. What age are they ...

strawberry - "I would have far more respect for a man who stuck by his family and had a discreet mistress. "

Why? the mm who "sticks by his family"sic, is betraying his family by living a lie. He is making his wife and children into unknowing fools. He is no doubt lying to his wife even when she suspects he is being unfaithful, thus causing her and the kids extreme stress.

It is never really the case that the wife lives in s blissful state of ignorance. Most wives suspect, know or simply have an instinct that something is going on - this can cause great upset; a lot of wives/partners start to question their own sanity in these situations.

It may not be honourable to up and leave your family when you have feelings for someone else but compared with lying and living a double life, at least its honest. Not that either situation is great.

I do feel (unless you are an utter bitch), that OW don't realise how much they will get hurt, too

it seems to me, the only people who win are these blokes who get two women (or more....) crying and mooning around after them...making every excuse for the fact they are dipping their wicks around the joint

what a fucking ego trip that must be

I just don't know why any woman would sign up for that...I guess I have to believe that some fundamentally decent women get swept away by the whole drama of it all

give me a boring life, thank you very much

The worst thing in my situation was going about my daily life with my (now ex)H, accompanying him on business trips, business lunches etc...and not realising his mistress was at nearly every fucking function.

EVERYONE in his working life knew he and she were fucking, EVERYONE knew he was leaving at some point to be with her, EVERYONE knew I was pregnant - It was THE single most humiliating period of my life.

Oh, I knew he was cheating on me - I just never had the concrete evidence I required at that point and I certainly never thought he could be so crass as to attend functions with the two of us there. How sick is that?

So any respect anyone feels for the married man "sticking by his family" (!) with a discreet mistress is shocking.

Willow - Yep, respect doesn't even come into it.

"I do feel (unless you are an utter bitch), that OW don't realise how much they will get hurt, too"

Yes, I feel they (well, some)end up getting hurt, hate to admit it and then get on the defence - which makes them look heartless...Glad to say I'll never know first hand. Phew