What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

No attack intended on ex ... but wish for everybodies sake her children and for herself, she could stop drinking and pull herself together ..

why so obsessed with her? sort of bears out dittany's points a few posts down. he's got your ringing your hands and wasting valuable energy on her. i'd never put up with that in a relationship. the world is full of men where you don't have to.

bet he's still married to her, too.

No obsession with her only worry and pity, she is a big part of our lives as will not let go. Drives to our house a mess, shouting and crazy. Stole a hard drive with important things on it last week out of DP's car whilst he dropped his daughter off. Brought herself and very drunk man home saturday night where there was a physical fight between him and dp son. DP was called at 4 in the morning as son very upset. This only last week. Wont bore with details of previous weeks, months, years. She is a huge mess and the mother of dp's children ... She is causing a huge amount of distress to her family, sisters, father brother. They will have nothing more to do with her and in contact about this with us. She is on her own. Soon far enuf down for everybodies sake hopeully to get some help. She is out of control, no disrespect to her but to her disease ...

I take your advise Dittany and would agree if I had not spent many years in Al Anon and continue to go from time to time with DP. I have no resentment or anger toward ex wife and realise it was foolish, unwise and very immature of me to think dp children would accept thinks but in fact it has taken time and years of it, they are happy for him, relationships are very good, he can be a dad to them now emotionally and otherwise, something he could never be to them before. DP is encouraging his children to start going with him ... His son has been.

Going back to this
"I have a (single) friend who put it very simply:

"At my age most men are married or attached. I find that my chance of happiness (ie with a MM) is more important than the wife´s happiness. I have to grab any chance of happiness for myself". "

That is not true. There are single men and women at all ages. There's no need to steal one from another person. I've met a lot of divorced men and sometimes they spend 2 hours criticising their ex wife - it's very interesting but some of them need to learn it's not really a very good seduction tactic but that's by the by. My view of that is to assume most of what they say about her isn't true and that they are probably very biased. I don't see why other women should always believe the lines they are peddled.

Of course some spouses are horrendous and people are well out of those marriages and it can be good for the children to escape it. Even so why take up with a man who has an awful partner who will make your life misery and take on step children etc when there are men out there without those issues? It would put me off. Why court the hassle? You don't need it.

'wonderful dd and a peaceful happy home and environment for DP's children to be in, visit etc if ever they feel they would like to ... They know this ...'

I'm confused.

First of all, now he can 'be a dad' to these kids, who are adults, all thanks to his wonderful mistress. What was his excuse before? I mean, you said his kids were 18 and 13 when he dumped his wife for you. That's an awfully long time to not have been able to be a dad. It was all her fault, I'm sure.

Sounds weak and an excuse, more like.

And also, how is it he's so involved now with his kids but this earlier post says they don't have anything to do with him?

It's all part of the web of lies people who cheat on their spouses spin. Then no one even knows what's true anymore and people like this tell themselves lies so much they come to believe them!

'She won't let go'. 'She's a mess in our lives'.

Goes to show you what kind a person screws married people - mugs, the naive and people with self-esteem issues.

Anyone of sound state would run a mile from all that ridiculous melodrama. It's immature beyond belief.

Exactly, Xenia!

I'm also willing to bet London to a brick MCDL's 'partner' is still married to his so-called ex.

Bet he's got a load of excuses, too, why he can't divorce her.

It's a mug's game, for sure, being a mistress/OW.

He is involved with his kids because he did not give up. Six years ago, they did not want him. People change, circumstances change. People forgive and allow forgivness.

Oh, okay. What was his excuse for not having been able to be a dad to them before that?

I'm sure you'll be as forgiving when he does the same to your, MCDL, should you not tow the line the way he likes.

Or of your daughter's partner, when he does this to her.

Because it's such a fine example to set for one's children.

He is still married, we are in the middle of a very bitter, long, lengthly and very expensive process for this with barristers battling it out on both sides. She refuses to legally seperate or divorce. This tie she wants to keep is destroying her, her children, her family, DP's family. There will be an end to it shortly. Not untill then can we all start to get on with our lives ... Wounds can heal, bridges can get built ... We are looking forward.

I am in it to, for better or for worse ! our relationship I mean. Warts and all. We deal with problems together, we are together, we are a family together, we have a child together ... Just because we are not married does not mean we dont support, encourage, love etc ..

It's got a bit personal on here but I think it's very good if married women hear the views of those who sleep with their husbands but you can't generalise about it except I suppose to say adultery is adultery full stop.Just like a partner hitting their partner is illegal so will adultery by the man enable his wife if she chooses to found a divorce petition. No ifs and buts.

In that personal case above you cannot force divorce on anyone until you have lived apart for 5 years unless you can prove unreasonable behjaviour. It is dead easy to prove that in just about any marriage even happy ones of people on this thread. You can get your decree absolute fairly swiftly although that doesn't mean the finances are sorted out.

I would take exception to the "we". I think it's for the man alone to deal with his divorce and if the new woman can keep 100% out of it that tends to aid the process. It's not her issue. He needs to protect her from that and get it dealt with.

As I say 60% of second marriages with chidlren fail so it's not the wisest of choices and plenty of people start a second family when they cannot afford to keep the first which is also equally morally pernicious

Dittany, Expat,
As i posted earlier I was an OW albeit for 7 months I didn't know he was married even though he only lived 7 minutes from me walking. However I also know that when I found out he was married I should have ended the relationship, I didn't and I didn't 100% enjoy the knowledge that he had 2 children and a wife at home. I felt guilty he didn't and when 2 months later he moved away without a word to me I cried for ages over him. Because I, even if he didn't, truly loved him.

And I know how it feels to be cheated on because my ex frequently cheated on me and the end of our 4yr relationship was down to me catching him in bed with my ex friend.

meant to add that although I was crying because he had walked away I was also relieved that he had moved with his family and that he had gone regardless of how much it hurt me.

I unwittlingly found myself an OW some time ago, I met up on facebook with a friend from school who consistently contacted me through facebook, at first a friendly banter, although I did ask what his wife thought straight away. As it was friendly, I felt no harm done and he said his marriage was happy. We continued to chat online and arranged to meet up (with spouses and families). Although he admitted he fancied me, I felt meeting up with spouses would change that dynamic (make it more real than the fantasy online thing and didn't believe him anyway) and I told my H that there was some feelings between us as we had got 'close' chatting online, less barriers etc. I told MM that I was getting feelings for him and wanted to cool it online (tried to bring it out in the open). We did cool it, although did meet up (with children and spouses), unfortunately it turned out to be not enough for him and he 'chased' me, texting, calling under the guise of friendship, including his wife in the meeting up scenarios.
Eventually my marriage broke up, this was to do with other events (not mm) and one day I arranged found myself meeting with mm (and my kids) for a coffee (only a coffee). I asked him if he had told his wife he was having coffee with me and he replied "no", I told him to go back to his wife and tell her, which he did, and she took it very badly (got very angry) and called me. I realised from talking to her that he had been displaying signs of being overly involved/keen with me to his wife, although nothing had happened. His wife who was very angry said she would not allow us to see each other again as friends and he took this badly, and wanted to see me in private. I agreed (looking back the WRONG thing to do) but I wanted to say goodbye to a friendship. At that meeting I said that if he was unhappily married (which I suspect he wasn't until started to fancy me) he should leave the marriage before he embarked on chasing women for affairs, as it could have easily headed this way. I was extremely tempted and felt we could have 'worked' had we started a relationship, but didn't express that to him.
Anyway, I haven't seen him since and although nothing happened, I have had e mails from his wife saying that because he 'fell in love' with me their marriage is now very much at risk. I don't really know what to make of it as nothing happened, and didn't encourage him (although many on this thread would say that chatting online with a mm is encouraging, although I did address the fact that he was married and asked about his wife and what she thought of us chatting). I am now single, seperated from my H, realising that as I was tempted to have an affair, (obviously amoung many many other things) I felt my marriage was over and I was in fact at risk of commiting adultery to my H. The mm is still married and working at his marriage under counselling although he still hasn't told his wife the truth about still contacting me, he sends emails (I'm not replying). I feel very sad, and actually do believe that unless he tells his wife the whole story their marriage will never work. I guess in the near future he will look for another person to focus his attentions on and next time the OW will not turn him down. Although I wasn't the OW, him just 'falling' for me has been enough to put his marriage seriously at risk. I'm just glad I didn't get involved, however 'tempting' it may have been. Actually writing this has made me realise how much I really felt for him, and how much I would have liked to have been his OW
I wish his DW and kids all the flipping luck in the world

nearlyy, I disagree with you summing-up "that nothing happened" between you and MM

yes, it did

you had an emotional affair

I am not surprised his wife was so very hurt and angry

although the bulk of her anger should be directed at him...it seems you were also a willing participant in him contributing to his transference of time/energy/emotion to another woman..you

do you accept that, at all ?

nearlyyy - You say he still contacts you via email, is he still looking for some sort of relationship?

Yes you can say no. I do. Someone will email. I'll ask are you single. They'll say no and I then you just stop the correspondence, no matter how good they seem but the nearly example which is very helpful shows how these thigns can develop and then end or not end depending on the conduct of the people. I think a lot of this also shows how hurt and upset the OW or OM can be. Why court disaster. It will end in tears so don't even let it start. Find someone unmarried instead. Most people who cheat don't leave their spouse by the way, all studies show.