What makes a woman happy to be the Mistress?

[RedishBlonde]

This link got me thinking - forum.psychlinks.ca/relationships/829-the-other-woman.html

I suppose I'm interested in the "professional mistresses" - The women who seek out and only have (the majority of their) relationships with married men.

My sister (on her own admission) seems to be attracted to unobtainable men, whether it is emotionally unavailable men or attached men.

She has recently been exploring and resolving some emotional issues that stem from her childhood and speaks of these men within the context of these issues.

Now, I'm not making excuses, I have no sympathy for a woman that willingly enters a relationship with a married or attached man but there has to be underlying psychological reasons behind their motivations.

I believe that all ow are fully aware they are being lied to, not just the predatory ones. I suspect they pretend to fall for the married mans lies because they don't like to admit they are happy with being used.

Tbh, I have often found the idea of an unobtainable man (attached man) appealing, although I've noticed only when I'm feeling low on self esteem and NEVER when I'm at a happy place in my life. I have never acted on this and wouldn't, mainly because I know it's a sign I'm not in the right place emotionally. I believe a happy, well adjusted woman wouldn't willingly enter herself into a complicated relationship.

What are your thoughts on the motivations of OW? Are you a mistress? if so, do you explore the reasons behind why you're happy to take second place?

If you're a serial mistress, and in it for the conquest rather than having any emotional involvement, then you probably don't get hurt, because you just move onto the next challenge.

If you're in it because you genuinely love the other person, and believe that amor vincit omnia, then if and when it doesnt work out, whatever the reason, of course it hurts like hell. And of course you don't expect it, because you have wholeheartedly believed it will work out, otherwise you would never get involved in the first place.

men have alot to answer for. I dont think many women go out of their way to persue married men. In my experience its always them that make the first move. I once knew a man who took his mistress on a tour of South Africa, over Christmas. Prats.

Perhaps an answer to all of this is when two people marry or are in a relationship together and one wants out to be with somebody else. Should we not allow. Nobody has the right to own anybody in a marriage or otherwise.

The children of these divides if a split is amicable and honest will not go through the pain that they do ...

I dont see how it is ever amicable and honest when they have been shagging around

but hs...for it to "work out" means that a family has to be torn apart

for a fellow woman to have her self-esteem destroyed

for innocent children to have their sense of safety and security in their little world taken away

is any man worth the risk of having some of the responsibility for that on your conscience ?

I do not think any man is worth that...and I never will

this will sound wanky, but my own sense of self, and self-preservation and wanting to feel "right" in my own head would stop me

I also think I am worth waaaaaay more than any man

There are no answers but I guess if there were no OW or mistresses, families would not get divided, innocent children would not have their little worlds torn apart.

MDCL - if a mm wants to leave he can leave he doesn't have to be "allowed" does he? A lot of mm don't give their other half a chance to "allow" the relationship to be over - They deny, deny, deny if it's suspected they are seeing someone else.

Kittya - I'm afraid there are a lot of women who pursue married men - and are the ones who initiate the relationship. I don't think this sort of behaviour is particularly gender specific any longer.

MCDL I agree with AF re. your calm responses to questions, but your latest post still suggests that you don't really understand how horribly different children (and spouses) feel when their loved one leaves for someone else.

I also just don't accept the language so many women use when they get involved in adulterous relationships, either as the OW, or as the betraying spouse. I see phrases like "swept away" and "didn't mean for it to happen" and "carried away" as though these were all involuntary acts that happened to them, rather than the truth which is that women make active choices.

I can quite see that people will want to leave horrendous marriages like MCDL's partner's, but having an affair always involves deceiving someone and denying them their choices in life.

Also Nearlyy, I really would block those E mails. His poor wife has been pretty decent so far and it's horrible that she is being deceived still by him. Blocking him will send a very powerful message that you are not interested.

AF - He is the only man I have ever loved, and on that basis to me, and however appalling the potential consequences for everyone (not just his family, but there was potential for it all to affect mine as well), I truly believed he was worth it.

Possibly if I'd had a different life before I met him, been in love many times, ever met someone I thought was worth spending the rest of my life with, then I might well have dismissed any notion of involving myself in such a complicated situation.

WhenwillIfeelnormal - Oh but I do understand how children and spouses feel when their loved one leaves for someone else. This guilt is with me almost everyday, but I do have a dd now with DP so we must try not to allow the hurt that we both caused to destroy our family also. In time I do hope DP's children can forgive and at least acknowledge their half sister.

I also hope mother of DP children can get the help she needs, this will go a long way in building bridges and allowing forgivness...

Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick then MCDL - were you suggesting tonight when you said "should we not allow" that the betrayed spouse should give in gracefully and that this may help the children come to terms with the sitation more easily?

"but I do have a dd now with DP so we must try not to allow the hurt that we both caused to destroy our family also."

But that's the thing that I find a teensy bit ironic though MCDL. You don't want your little family to be broken up, but you seem to want your DP's first family to just forgive and forget the hurt your actions caused and the fact that their family was "destroyed."

Put yourself in their shoes and imagine how your daughter (and you, as her mother) would feel in their position?

which might happen one day. Do you think a leopard can change his spots?

I was also thinking, although it might not be gender specific, do you think men talk on some message board like this about how their wives are shagging about? Im sorry for being old fashioned but I do think most of the times it is the man persuing the woman.

Kittya - yes men do post on talk boards like this. There are Ning networks where mostly male victims of infidelity talk about their pain at being deceived. We've also got a fair few regular male posters on here who have been living through this. But to come back to your point about men usually being the pursuers, the picture really has changed over the past 20 years or so. There are lots of women, as well as men, who live by a mantra that "life is too short" and have a "go for it" mentality.

There are also lots of women who claim that since they are single, they are deceiving no-one and it is up to the man to refuse their advances - thereby taking no responsibility whatsoever for their behaviour. A behaviour that they would take a very dim view of if another woman encroached like this when they were in a committed relationship.

This is what I was saying downthread. If people really live their lives without any concern that their actions can upset or hurt others, then it is of course possible to be an OW and feel no real guilt to the stranger you are hurting.

Whenwill, I take your point about things changing in the last few years, but the vampish woman who pursues the poor man, so that he just has no option except to sleep with her is so beloved of misogynists and men alike, that I wonder if this phenomenon has been exaggerated somewhat.
In my own experience (admittedly limited), its always been the man who pursues.

Dittany - I am giving an opinion which I am entitled to do, in order to give my specific reflection on this type of situation which is far from uncommon. I am entitled to say what I want, when I want to and in the manner that I choose without patronising remarks which are designed to belittle.

I could rephrase your own question in another manner and ask: how do the wife and family feel when a man leaves them for another woman? Do you really think they all give a loud cheer and say: "oh how wonderful - he hasn't cheated on us so it is all okay!!"

It's not all about you either, you know. These types of situation are very complex - just take a look at all the threads on here from people who are miserable in relationships. It is not simple!

Sorry, but I do matter. If my partner met someone else that he liked I would have far more respect for him if he stuck with me and the family. I find the mentality of the type of man who, every time he meets someone he fancies, runs off and starts a new family, only to repeat the process in a few years time, incredibly niave and immature.

Just my opinion, which matters to me and possibly to other people reading this as well. I matter just as much as someone else's wife or someone else's mistress.

Everyone matters in these types of situation. If I didn't like what my partner was doing, then I can leave. That is my choice and I might exercise my right to do it. Or I might not.

Everyone matters in these types of situation.

Thank u ..

By a law of averages or the law of men who play away MCDL's partner may well have another woman on the side already as he's that sort.

"There are no answers but I guess if there were no OW or mistresses, families would not get divided, innocent children would not have their little worlds torn apart. "

That's not so. Lots of marriage break down like mine because people don't get on. People don't line up the next person. They recover and after a decent break move on. No on is so in need of sex they have to have it constantly on tap through a breakdown, separation, divorce.

As sm says there are plenty of men (and women) who move from partner to partner forming a new family each time. They want to start afresh. They put more resources into the second family. Not all of course but enough for there to be a pattern. It's probably an issue of delayed gratificatino - some toddlers will have 2 sweets later than one now. Some will rush to get the one now. Some people can't resist temptation and its consequences. The Garden of Eden springs to mind

Xenia I think if is very wrong of you to say my partner may well have another woman on the side already, he is that sort.

I am not naive to think that it may not happen, but he is devoted to getting things right, recognising his failings and been a father to his three children. He is a wonderful man, kind and caring, he loves me and I him ...

Xenia said "by the law of averages..."
Of course, yours may be better than average, MC.

He is almost 50 and for the first time in a long time secure and stable in his relationship with me. He is happy. Something he never thought he could be, he has a good relationship with his children and loves his dd, something he never thought thought could happen. He loves, something he thought could never happen. He is not going to throw what he has away. The pain of his infedility, his failings and what he did to his first family was to great for him ...

Indeed I could leave him or ask him to leave if any of his previous traits continued. Thankfully they do not ...