So she went on a "date" with my husband

[MillyMollyMoo]

Which I am expected to believe was platonic, at 1am the week before Christmas and now I have been invited out for a night out with a small group where she will be.
Of course I am not actually wanted there at all but I suspect he knows the only way he stands a chance of going is if I am there too.

Would I be unreasonable if I said no and you're not going either ? I can use being pregnant as an excuse frankly I don't want to be socialising at all.

REally ? Well we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

Again, not sure why people do this...
MillyMollyMoo is looking for support. This is a supportive place (MN) supposedly. She's in a very very difficult situation and has been through a lot recently. Is it really necessary to point out little things and get upset with her for "snapping" a bit... I'd be in a pretty irritable mood and bound to snap at someone if I had all even half my plate that she has.

MMM, I agree that a 7 year course in medicine is going to be too demanding, regardless of you marital status, given the circumstances. I'd suggest that you think very seriously about embarking upon it.

I also think, as has been said here, that your husband is likely to resent being viewed as a childcarer and financial provider and could well leave anyway. If so it would be on his terms and not yours and leave you in a position you definately wouldn't want to be in.

Am I right in saying that your DC are privately educated? If so and if you want to salvage the marriage and if he is the caring father you say he is there is one thing you might like to say to him... that as he is cheating and your marriage falling apart, you will be putting the DC into state schooling from next term because you won't be able to afford independent as a lone parent and you want them established there asap before the change is even harder for them. I.E. make him think about the consequences of a seperation, for the DCs sakes.

Tbh it sounds like you are both unhappy and that going seperate ways would be best for all of you. Wrt the night out, if I were you I'd go, just to make the other woman realise that I am not the cowed, subdued little woman... but only you know if you can take that attitude and if it's worth it.

On another note, may I ask if you did indeed rehome your Labradoodle, which you posted on in Pets? (Just anxious to know that a dog problem I offered help in has had a happy ending).

The dog is apparently working for the prison service as a drug sniffing dog so all ended well.

sounds like a shit.
and the other woman needs a word in her ear as she's being a total twunt mucking with someone elses bloke/father to be.
feel sorry for ya

By MillyMollyMoo Wed 18-Nov-09 11:54:39
I think we both agree we're good mates (friends) and reasonably good parents, but we aren't a couple in any way shape or form which is so sad.
You're right it would be so much easier for me if he went off with somebody else and I wouldn't be pointing the finger or blaming him if he did.
He is unhappy I know that, but ot just with me, most of his life is upside down right now.
I also know that things are not normal right now, we've had some right ups and downs over the pregnancy, I am a complete cow when pregnant as it seems are many of my friends, not feeling too bad about that.

Seems to me that he has done what you hoped he would do and now you don't like it. I don't personally think affairs are the way to go, but, having read your earlier thread, I can understand that he would think it preferable to being in a marriage with someone who plainly doesn't have 'that spark' and where the sex is so cold because his wife won't allow him to kiss her.

I don't think it is right that he has had this affair, but if she makes him feel loved and wanted, I can understand it. Maybe you should be talking about how to organise a separation so that it is better for everyone, because I really don't see this marriage going anywhere else, and I don't think it is reasonable or fair to expect him to remain with you for financial reasons only whilst denying him the opportunity for a fulfilled relationship elsewhere.

Nope. Never an excuse for an affair. OP didnt say this to her husband. And, it's all very easy to say that sort of stuff before it actually happens.
Then when it does happen it's like a tonne of bricks dumped on you and the feelings of betrayal, that you weren't "good enough"...etc etc etc all come flooding in.
Just like I could say right now this instance, "if my dh ever did that I'd leave him in a heartbeat" I could say that with conviction. I actually think I would do that. But I won't know what I'd really do until I was in the situation.

Don't judge her feelings and behaviour based on something she said before a horrible thing happened when she was obviously feeling down and having a hard time. That's just silly.

sorry sayit I didn't thoroughly read your post. I see that you are agreeing with that and just think they need a separation. Sorry about that.

mmm I've been in a similar position as you, I found out my dh was having affairs all over the place when I was 7 months prg. So I made a decision to keep the marriage together until I felt I could cope with 2 small children.

It broke my heart, even though I'd had my suspicions for a while, when I finally knew for sure it was awful.

I managed to keep it together for 6 months, and then it was definitely easier to be on my own. Once you've emotionally detached from someone (as you have to if they're off shagging around) it becomes impossible to live with them.

So, all I'm saying is that whilst it might seem a good idea to stay whilst you're studying, the reality of doing that may be too much to live with.

I was lucky in some ways as I had always paid all the bills, so when I kicked him out, it wasn't too much of a shock to pay for eveything. However, a friend of mine had to leave her house because her xh refused to pay the mortgage, so it was repossessed. She simply couldn't make him pay.

So, you might want to have a rock solid back up plan in case your husband doesn't do the things you expect him to.

I wish you luck MMM, you're going to need lots of support once the baby arrives.

Ok to draw a line under this now, we had a talk last night he swears on the childrens lives that he didn't sleep with her and will not be sleeping with anyone and is happy.
So I guess it's down to whether I can be happy enough over the next few years.

As for staying with him for financial support i'm afraid I spat my cornflakes out at that, he would not be supporting me financial, he will be paying his mortgage, his bills and for his children whether I am here or not, I have no impact on his finances but since I buy the food and clothes he costs me a fortune.

We'll just see how it goes and there will be no uni nights out for either of us.

Good luck. I hope you're happy whatever you decide to do

Thank you junglist1

And starexpat and the other voices of reason

"As for staying with him for financial support i'm afraid I spat my cornflakes out at that, he would not be supporting me financial, he will be paying his mortgage, his bills and for his children whether I am here or not, I have no impact on his finances but since I buy the food and clothes he costs me a fortune."

This is what is confusing me. If he costs you money, why do you need to stay with him in order to study?

Childcare, continuity in the children's lives.

So, do I understand this correctly? You will stay with him until you have completed your studies,in order to have continuity of childcare, but intend to leave once you are qualified or children do not need him to provide childcare whichever comes first?

If that is the case does he know that this is your plan? Because if not, that sounds mightily unfair to me, you expect him to remain faithful to you, whilst all the while you know that you only intend to stay with him as long as he serves some purpose for you.

If I have misunderstood, I apologise.

MMM - you sound in a mess. You can't live like this. Why stay now if you intend to leave in the future? It isn't fair on your children.

Can I just ask?
If he pays his bills, his mortgage etc...

How does he afford this if he has no job and is at uni?
Savings?

Yes sazzlelou savings, the childrens school fee's are covered until they are all 11 and then he has a certain amount, plus assets he can sell if that's what he wants to do to keep afloat. I'm old fashioned and think a job of any sorts might be a better plan but what do I know eh ?

As I said we'll see how it goes, I don't have the removal van booked for 2017.

The way I am looking at dittany is I can never prove one way or the other what happened that night, I have tried calling his bluff and his story stays the same.
So what if he's telling the truth and I split up with him.
He currently has the three girls out with him in town to give me a lie in, he'll be a good dad to the baby and the girls and they will have a decent life.
If we split up it'll probably be me that moves out, he'll contest custody and i'll get joint at best, it would be madness to sell the house right now so we'd be rented for 7 years until I could earn enough to sort myself out or my dreams go out the window, can you see who looses out here ?

By your account, you are simply using him. Plus, you have a double standard that says it's OK for you to study full-time but not him. I find the whole 'problem' despicable, mainly because of your one-way vision. In marriages which are more of a practical trade-off than a loving partnership, it is usual for each partner to have a great deal of flexibility in how they manage their lives (including affairs) as long as they keep their side of the marital bargain. Not only do you seem to have no clarity as to what that bargain is, but you want to control his personal choices.

I wish you'd make your mind up and have a sensible conversation with H about what you both want out of your marriage.

Oh I see grace so everything can stay as it is providing he can sleep around (which he doesn't want to according to him) but then I can too ? That sounds a fantastic atmosphere to bring children up within doesn't it ?
What you don't know is that he has already studied full time whilst I worked three minimum wage type jobs to pay off his first wife's mortgage when I met him three years after they split up, there's a lot of history and background that I'm not putting in these posts, mainly because they seem to be taken down and used against me.
But I can assure you neither of us are the down trodden victims.

And from whenwillIfeelnormals accounts about affairs on other threads, none of that is happening on either side so who knows maybe there will be a happy ending.