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Original poster

So she went on a "date" with my husband

169 replies

MillyMollyMoo · 18/03/2010 18:26

Which I am expected to believe was platonic, at 1am the week before Christmas and now I have been invited out for a night out with a small group where she will be.
Of course I am not actually wanted there at all but I suspect he knows the only way he stands a chance of going is if I am there too.

Would I be unreasonable if I said no and you're not going either ? I can use being pregnant as an excuse frankly I don't want to be socialising at all.

OP posts:
dittany · 18/03/2010 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jenduff · 18/03/2010 22:24

oh dear this thread is getting very confusing

ThatVikRinA22 · 18/03/2010 22:25

i really want to answer your post dittany, your saying the OP didnt make a choice?

seems to me IVF is a choice - a bloody huge one.

am now hiding this thread as its going to bug me.
(its the MN equivalent of blocking ears and singing "la la la" while someone argues with you....but im going for it)

clicking hide now...

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2010 22:26

Dittany: it's not just the kissing, it;s the fact that she has said she wishes he would have an affair, she doesn't love him etc - and now she's doing the 'poor me' bit because a man she neither likes nor fancies has had an affair, yet she won't let him go?

ItsGraceAgain · 18/03/2010 22:26

Dittany: "An IVF baby that he has to under go a surgical sperm extraction to give me? I had a gun to his head when he signed those consent forms and swiped his credit card right?"

I agree there's something more to this than what was posted. But it doesn't look pretty.

ninah · 18/03/2010 22:27

I may have misread but I thought it was op that wanted another child while dp wasn't all that eager

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 18/03/2010 22:29

I can understand how it has got to this point.

But I do think that expecting him to live with you, a woman who is repulsed by his kisses, and not seek affection elsewhere for the next five years is a bit much.

Honestly. If he's studying and not working, where is the standard of living going to come from when you start studying too? There has to be some sort of way you two can work together on this without all this deception and unhappiness.

GypsyMoth · 18/03/2010 22:29

well it sounds like you've grown apart mmm....

you might need to forget the degree...

blinder · 18/03/2010 22:30

Personally I think leaving your kids to pursue the medical degree would be a mistake. You'd be taking the most demanding one, the baby, with you I assume.
It sounds like you've been avoiding leaving him for some time. Is there always some reason not to go? Won't there always be?

It sounds like he is more of a drain than a support, materially speaking so you would probably find yourself better off as a single mum.

Really, isn't an affair time to call an end to a situation which must be damaging you all, including the kids?

Sorry that you are goingthrough this at seven months pregnant. But I think you should be making plans to throw him out, putting money away, seeing solicitors, researching benefits and getting ready. If it were me (and years ago I was in a similar situation) I'd keep him there till the baby was a couple of months old and then throw the prick out. Sounds callous, but so is cheating on your pregnant wife.

IME life is ten times easier when you aren't living under the stress of a bad relationship. Emotionally, practically and believe it or not financially too.

dittany · 18/03/2010 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JeremyVile · 18/03/2010 22:31

Maybe it will help you to see that actually it is not the presence of your dh that will make or break your medical studies, but the choices you have BOTH made to this point. The 4 young children you decided to have.

Otherwise you will be clinging onto a marriage that neither of you want in order to facilitate your (perfectly understandable) ambitions. But is it really feasible? Really?? The huge added stress on top of an already unstable situation...for the foreseeable future?

blinder · 18/03/2010 22:35

And yes I know the house is in his name. Wouldn't stop me changing the locks. You are married and entitled to housing. Get legal advice.

JeremyVile · 18/03/2010 22:35

If he seems unwilling to get back to work and you desperately want to study...and the marriage is really not going anywhere then I do think your children being FT with their father while you study is a legitimate choice.

It depends if you could do that? What others think of it is neither here nor there.

If the marriage is over then one of you has to leave...

GypsyMoth · 18/03/2010 22:44

do you intend to breastfeed mmm?

2rebecca · 18/03/2010 23:18

I was sure you'd posted earlier that he'd asked you to have an abortion and didn't want another baby but can't find the post.
Perhaps an open marriage where you don't sleep together but are free to see other people and live together for the sake of the kids would work here but you'd both have to be honest about it. Stopping him seeing other women when you don't want him and would leave him if you could seems churlish.

mampam · 19/03/2010 07:43

MillyMollyMoo hope you are ok? Come talk to us on the antenatal thread, haven't heard from you for a while xx

Original poster
MillyMollyMoo · 19/03/2010 08:22

Stopping him seeing other women when you don't want him and would leave him if you could seems churlish.

Are you kidding ? No I'm sorry that's rubbish, nobody gets to be married, have a family life and see other women, it's just not how it works is it ?
Just as you don't go through IVF and then turn around and suggest an abortion, the process takes over a year during which time you BOTH receive counseling, you sign consent forms to take the eggs/sperm, then consent forms to make an embryo, there was then a three month delay due to OHSS, then he signed again to say I could have the embryo implanted. This is as far from an accident/sticking pins in the condom scenario as you could get.
You don't then decide you don't like it and go and fuck somebody else, no matter what.
Well I wouldn't.

OP posts:
StarExpat · 19/03/2010 08:51

MMM I don't usually post on these threads but I was browsing active convos last night and for some reason it caught my eye.
I'm so sad for you.

Some people on here are giving you a really hard time and given your circumstances it is quite unnecessary.

It's going to be quite difficult going for this degree but I think you should do it. You've been wanting this for so long and you should go for it. But make sure you have proper supports in place for yourself as well.
Maybe it would be helpful to have a really honest discussion with your "d"h? I understand what you're saying about needing him there in case you run over and can't pick up kids right away - you need a partner or family member, not a childcarer to step in there (I only say that because I know childcarers work certain "hours" and get quite unhappy, justifiably, when parents call and say they will be late often). But he doesn't sound really reliable... however I do not know him, so I cannot make that judgement.

Would he be open to counselling?

I'm so sorry for you. Counselling for you at least and for the two of you if he'll do it. And an honest discussion with him.

Have you decided what to do about the night out?

knittingnewbie · 19/03/2010 09:19

I agree. I think what you both need to do is to sit down with each other and be honest about what's going on. Counselling would be ideal if you get it, either through relate or your local childrens centre, because then at least it would be controlled by someone who could maybe help you work through the issues you're both carrying...

However I don't think that realistically embarking on a strenuous degree course with lots of shift placements which are often unnegotiable is the right thing to be contemplating. It's very easy to forget how demanding a newborn is and the effect he may have on the other children and you! And not wanting to sound like the voice of doom, you are high risk for post natal depression (unfaithful/unsupportive husband...low self esteem...heaps of self pressure)So you need to be kind to yourself, not make things as difficult as imaginably possible.

If you're just going into medicine for the money I think you're making a mistake. There are plenty of professions/careers which offer a good standard of living which are more 'family friendly'. If you want to help people what about teaching, or social work or law? Or pharmacy if it's the health side? I'm a nurse and don't think the pay is too bad and it's very flexible. If you really can't face not doing the medical degree, can you not postpone it for 1 year? If the university are not willing to do that, I can't see how they'd be understanding if you were unable to attend because the kids were poorly etc.

Also, I don't think that your husband is justified in having an afaair because you don't like having sex with him. I don't think an affair is ever justified, and if his life is so miserable why doesn't he just leave first before starting a relationship with someone else? Or at least be discrete about it rather than expecting you to meet the woman you know and he knows you know he's been sleeping with. That just sounds unimaginably cruel to me.

TarheelMama · 19/03/2010 13:30

Hi there. I'm sorry for your situation but want to add one thing. If you stay together while you are putting yourself through a medical degree, be aware that as your husband, he will be able to claim alimony (up to half the value of your degree) if you do divorce later on. So yes, it might be hard on you financially now, but imagine putting up with him for 5 more years and then have to pay him for the trouble. Good luck to you.

thedollshouse · 19/03/2010 13:40

Don't go and don't allow him to go either, he has behaved like a spoilt child and now will have to accept the consequences.

You sound very confused. I think perhaps you should seek counselling. You need your head to be in the right place before you can even think about a medical degree.

ninah · 19/03/2010 18:03

'I wanted another child and he went along with it to make me happy and then last week he had a complete wobble decided he didn't want another baby and kicked all this off.
Once he'd calmed down and I decided I wasn't having an abortion no matter what he's decided he'll stay in the marriage'

was this it 2rebecca? link on previous page of this thread (the kissing one)

StarExpat · 19/03/2010 18:47

I'm not sure why people are nit-picking your posts.
You are obviously going through a really hard time right now. Your h has been behaving appallingly and unpredictably. No one can judge your reasons for having another baby. You came on here for support with your situation. And that's what you should get... not people looking for inconsistencies in your posts

Original poster
MillyMollyMoo · 19/03/2010 18:57

Sorry ninah what is your point exactly ?

OP posts:
ninah · 19/03/2010 19:04

your snappy reply to 2rebecca; in context of how you yourself have described your situation her observations are reasonable

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