ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No3

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Ifyourhappy - I don't think I can afford central london

However, I am planning a karaoke evening, and another meal out in the next few weeks. When my bastard cheating brother left his wife (when I was pregnant with DS) we went out to karaoke and I sang "I will survive" for her. I need to do this for myself, along with other man-beating songs

And tomorrow night, I will not be cleaning. I have my 2 lovely nieces to stay and I am going to give them beautiful manicures, and eat junk food

That better?

Yes Chairmum - thats' good

I suggest instead a virtual party night planned to the nth degree by the dumplings and held here on this thread. It will be just as good

Thanks Happy for shouting out to the non cleaning dumplings !
I would def be up for a party RL (not virtual)
dont get out much cos no childcare.But would love a nite out !
Waves to everyone !

ps H told me I have got all "empowered"

Hi Tea, I've only ever freecycled the dc's clothes above 6 mts aswell . Also have the moses basket stashed in the attic & am just washing each of their fist cot blankets to re-stash back in attic. They're lovely pink (x dd's) & blue (x ds) soft & fluffy ones that I can't bare to part with. Will be ruthless about all else though!

You're right though, tidy house, bored life! Mine life is a bit like that hense the frantic cleaning at the moment!

Hi Mavis, I really admire your drive, well done to you for having so much get up and go. Your dc's will be very proud of you when they're old enough to realise the effort you've put in to create a better life for you all. Clap on back to you!

Hi Happy, sorry about that, I thought you were further down the line. Saying that technically I'm only really seperated since Sept 09 aswell! Initally booted exh out in Sept 08 but took him back in March, lasted pissing time & took till Sept 09 to get him back out again (excuse vulgarity). I also agree with the whole fun rather than cleaning thing. However can I just finish decluttering first as am a bit obsessed at the moment & then I will turn my full energies into having fun .

Hi Chairmum, glad you seem to be back in form. Love the whole "I will survive theme", might even start hollering that as I am decluttering .

Hi Maybees, was just about to post you as I was worried about how you were doing. Great to hear you're in the party mode & especially great to hear that H thinks you've got all empowered! Love it, love it.........

Ladies, if ye ever manage to organise that get together I think I might push the boat out & join ye..........

PMSL over H comment .Just feel free of it all TBH and I truly have been so tired have been asleep at half nine last 2 nites ,but sleepimg right thru til 7am .Think its all the emotional stuff just tires you out but now I have truly let go I just need to catch some zzzzs and recharge my batteries.Feel a bit indulgent cos I feel so positive but just going to enjoy it.

ps Previously set up ironing board ,will now walk around it til possibly Sunday x

Maybees, great to hear you're feeling so positive, so am I to be honest!

My dog is afraid of ironing board which will tell you how often it's used in my house!

Nice one !

Feeling particularly rubbish today. My hubby kept me up to a silly time and then I was woken early by kids. He wanted to clarify a few things, as he's trying to decide what he wants

Apparently he was unsatisfied in the bedroom for all these years as he couldn't feel he could tell me what he wanted as he thought I'd brand him as a pervert, as I go to church etc. Has anyone else's man done this or something similar Now I feel really rubbish and a bit weird about some of the stuff he said he likes

He's such a selfish sod, can he not even think about our small children for even 2 seconds??? Every discussion is all about him we ever have.

Rant over....

Maybe I feel weird as I know the OW and it's putting images in my head among other things?

It all feels yucky tbh after him having an affair for a year...

Hmm - well I had the affair for a year thing too so I can relate to what you're saying about images in the head!

As for the unsatisfaction well....I guess at the end of the day couples should be doing what works for both of them, each taking account of the other's needs but also with give and take on both sides. Ultimately I cant see how you could do what you don't want to do sexually and and vice versa - so you'd need to find something that works for both.

That said, for the relationship to work generally I think you'd both need to work on it with equality ruling the relationship. I.e. move to a position where you both say "sh** happened, we want to move on from it now and have an open, loving relationship and do what it takes to make it work and be together". It's obviously not there at the moment.

I could be wrong as there's probably a lot more to the convo than you have said but it does sound a bit to me as if he thinks that the power in the relationship is with him. "He" is going to decide whether to try again ...... "He" feels that the problem is that he wasn't satisified sexually (sounds like this then is almost putting you under pressure to do whatever he wants as you were wrong IYSWIM and if you don't then it's almost as if he could then say "I tried my hardest but Tea couldn't or wouldn't satisfy my needs .. what can a man do?).

Hope you can sort things out in a way that works for both of you.

I tried my hardest but Tea couldn't or wouldn't satisfy my needs .. what can a man do?

Yes that's it exactly. The whole convo was about him saying things and waiting for me to say ok I'll try harder etc.

I had the same thing so, for me, and I know it may not be the same for you ...I feel now that he walked all over me and that I should have been stronger sooner.

Mine said:

I've not been happy all these years, you'll need to give me space (so I tried to)
The problem is you are so it won't work (so I tried not to be ) I need some sex so why can't I * (so I, not overtly, but effectively, enabled him to go off with her whilst he lived with me)

• You're just getting too anxious ... and then got really angry (so, I spent hours trying not to be anxious as I thought I was wrong to be anxious

And so, in the interests of making things work, I put up with sh** whilst he didn't try.

I think I should, in retrospect, have:

• read "the book" and done what it said
• forced him to leave (that would have been hard as he was refusing)
• said that we had to be apart unless HE wanted to really try too and that trying would mean XYZ etc
• created a new life for me and the kids and been more independent earlier.

Tea, whatever happens, I think you're doing brilliantly at the moment and that you're the one trying here, you're the one doing everything you can. He's not as far as I can see.

So, choose your moments to be sad, keep talking with us and do lots of things that make YOU happy.

Happy - I wasn't satisfied in the bedroom dept with him either, he had a poor labido and just never felt like it and the slightest thing seemed to cause him to loose arousal again (IYSWIM) sorry TMI but I was always prepared to try and work through things and discuss that area of our lives. But all this stuff he told me last night on what he apparently likes. He's never ever ever breathed a word about any of it in our 5 years of marriage at all. Now I feel I do not even know this man.

Tbh a lot of it sounded awfully aggressive and not loving behavior in the bedroom. I'm a bit embarrassed tbh and not wanting to go into too much detail It all shocked me. He has a porn addiction and I suspect a lot of it is all linked to that.

Don't get me wrong I'm open to new ideas but some of these were way out of my comfort zone.

Anyway I don't want to hi jack the thread too much.

Out this morning to see some girlfriends hopefully that'll cheer me up a bit.

Yeah there's no way hes moving back in unless I see some real observable change in him

Days like this I think there's no way we'll ever get back together again.

Sounds sensible.

I've had lots of days like that too and gradually I'm realising that I'll certainly not get back together with BE. But also TBH I am realising that I'm better off without him and that I wouldn't want to be with someone who is capable of what he's done. I have plenty of DC issues also, partly as a result of what he did, so for me, although I have to live with those issues, better that I do that and do what I can for the DC's rather than put me and them in a situation where we could all be hurt again.

And actually, DC issues aside, I do realise that I am much much happier now without him than I was living with him all of those years as he wasn't giving me what I needed I don't think although I didn't realise it at the time.

It probably seems awful at the moment but! it will get better.

Oops, missed one of your posts!

Have a good morning out.

Dumplings, the day looks good out there. I am completely energised by the Spring weather we're getting now and looking forward to some sunny days out in the garden and the parks. Hope it's the same for all of you grin].

Morning Dumplings, God I had a crap night too, got very little sleep & for some reason am crippled this am with my muscle disease. Should be hoovering etc but I'm too shattered to motivate myself at the moment. Am feeling very good & positive though, it's only physical so a lot easier to handle than emotional stuff.

Morning Happy, I could echo what you said it was a gradual realisation that I was not going to get back with exh. It was giving up the dream rather than the reality that was the hardest i.e. happy families, clouded by the happy times etc..

Morning Tea, sorry to hear you're feeling like crap. I'm going to jump in here because I can't resist. It is not because of anything you didn't do in the bedroom that you H was unfaithful. That is a load of bollocks & it is horrible that he is trying to shift the blame for his unfaithfullness onto your shoulders. I would consider myself to be quiet open sexually & open to new things etc but there isn't a hope in hell I'd engage in anything aggressive in the bedroom most especially when there is a trust issue. That he would bring your religious beliefs into the equation is really terrible. Sexual experimentation & fun is something that happens together not one person imposing their ideas on the other i.e. wanting you to recreate some porn scenes, aggressive acts etc..

It sounds to me like your H is taking absolutely no responsibility for his own behaviour. Unless he does I don't see how your marriage will work. You'll end up turning yourself inside out trying to please him & he'll just stray again whenever he gets bored again.

One person can't keep another faithful. I would consider myself to be very sexy, had a higher sex drive than exh, 20yrs younger, slim & trim, good looking, etc..........still wasn't enough. Usually men like that stray because of something lacking in themselves not the other person or the marriage i.e. self esteem issues etc.

Take care of yourself & don't allow your H to make this about you i.e. if your good enough he'll stay!

Hi Everyone

Tea -I couldnt have put it better what Starting said. Its something in him that has caused the problem - maybe from his family and how they operated. My H has had a massive Mid Life Crisis and it sounds as yours has too - all the elements are there including ED (erectile dysfunction) Im on a website supporting spouses of MLCers and have found it invaluable in helping me cope with it all and advising me what I could do. One of first bits of advice is not to twist yourself into all sorts of shapes trying to change to be all the things hes dissatisfied with - because it wont work - its not about you!

I also know the delightful visions of H with OW. had affair for 19 months beforre I found out -during time we were going to Relate - lovely!

Starting - hoep you get better sleep tonight. Love your dogs fear of ironing boards!

If Youre Happy - think the things you think you should have done are wise. They have got to try! Actually a goodd time for me to hear that - thanks!

MB glad to see your empowered and H recognises this. Very good place to be. I feel much more empowered than b4.

Glad to be hearing about parties!!! -went to a good one on Wednesday night - so more please!Yes and night out would be fun!

Have to confess not to being cleaning orientated -but am majorly clearing out - more my thing - house will soon be looking better then for many years!

Have lovely weekends - hope spring is sprung very soon!

Thanks ladies. There's a lot of truth in your words today. My girlfriends today said the same.

He's back tomorrow from Switzerland. I'm off to Fireman Sam at cinema with DD whilst FIL looks after my little boy first thing tomorrow. Yay

Take my mind off his imminent return. Hoping he doesn't want to talk heavy with me and just goes home to his dads. I just want to be left alone tbh right now. I don't want him to try and get me to promise do anything etc so he'll make it work between us. Just want to be alone with kids.

Hear hear (here here ??) starting and mumfun.

Too bloody right. They leave /have affairs because of their inadiquisies (sorry, can't spell) not ours but they talk themselves and us into believing it's our fault.

They're such fucking pathetic little wankers.

All me me me, porn, football,pub, more porn .......... The more I read about your stories the more bloody furious it makes me.

SELFISH WANKERS, they should all be shipped off to Craggy Island and left there to rot.

Sorry, shouldn't speak for the rest of you but I'd love mine to be stranded there for the rest of his days. Pig.

On the cleaning front I tend to agree with Quentin Crisp who said that "after 4 years the dust doesn't get any worse". I won't say I've tried it and it's true but....

There are other posts that I want to refer to and respond to but if I go back to other pages then I'll lose this, so annoying.

I'd LOVE a meetup. In London or anywhere.

I think that's the key to starting to move on - accepting that while we might not be perfect, we didn't make them do anything. They chose to act the way they did. They are adults and responsible for their own actions the same way we are.

The hopeful part of me is hoping for some recognition of responsibility from H. I've made mine and am taking control of my life and future. I hope he can manage to do that, otherwise I can see problems in the future for him and DS

I realised that my freezer has been turned off (I pulled the wrong plug out) for some days, and the meat in it has been slowly defrosting. Thankfully I didn't open it during that time, so it was all fine, but I have a lot of cooking to do tomorrow to preserve it all There goes my free day!

At least I have managed to do manicures with my lovely nieces and we're lounging around watching music TV. Got croissants for the morning too

Don't know if you listen to Bob Marley, Tea but if you can try downloading "Give thanks and praises" Prob my favourite song ever.He is the most spiritual songwriter I know and a true genius.Lovely music to listen to and this is a very special song .
I totally understand what you mean about just spending time with your kids .You are doing such a great job .Thats what got me thru, getting up each morning to see to them and keeping it all going.They are just such good fun and uncomplicated ,need to take some photos soon not done for a while.
Enjoy Fireman Sam we are big fans in our house too!Think ds is modelling himself on norman price ATM he ran full speed into someones trolley today in supermarket.
Write as much as you like Tea no worries re hijack you're a dumpling

ps this prayer taught me loads and is in my thoughts everyday,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference x

Oh and this poem has been in my head for a while too,

"Rise like lions after slumber
In unvanquishable number,
Shake your chains to earth like dew,
Which in sleep had fallen on you,
Ye are many-they are few.

Feels good to lose my chains dumplings
Think by reading MN I am seeing things so much clearer.I put a lot of the chains on myself trying to please others.So busy thinking about everyone elses feelings forgot about my own.You are truly teaching people to treat you badly if you keep accepting unacceptable behaviour.That is why I was always unhappy .I was giving mixed messages to people ,scared they wouldnt like me.
Now I am enjoying being content .I keep doing assertive things ,I just cant help my self
Its as if ive unlocked my shackles and im running.Instead of moaning about things ,I'm doing something about it and if I cannot change it then I dont spend any of my precious energy trying to.
None of this would have happened if H hadnt left me .

Ps think party has to be London.