ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No3

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Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Hope everyone cool today .H has been sober 3days wow wee woo
Finding porn yesterday has put the attraction factor down to about 20% and falling.Nothing against it in general just didnt need to find it in some washing when I was trying to do 15mins fly lady ironing FFS!

Think it was fate !
Brought me down to earth with a bump !
Door is open and will remain open if I am not happy with him being here he will leave.

He felt stupid yesterday about "ironing incident"
Stupid but calm.Still feel I would have wanted my own space longer but also feel he deserves a chance in secure calm house if he is sober.He knows my boundaries .Realistically I know leopards need a lot of work changing their spots but at the moment and for a long time he is working to earn my trust.Have told him good chance we still wont be getting back together ,I need to be happy and contented.This is all about getting kids DADA sober.I dont FEEL married and I am not EVER going back to the sad worn down bitch that I was .

Just can't live a lie-even if I tried ,just can't do it .Me and kids will always have a calm,safe ,secure ,sober home with patient parenting and good role models.Up to H whether he wants to be a part of that.

Huge part of me doesn't believe he will do it ...
But huge part of me wants to give him the chance to prove me wrong ...

Taking it one day at a time ...

I think you're very brave even trying maybee x

Thankyou Tea.

Won't work if I am weak ,not going back there .He is shocked by who I have become x

Hi Maybees, you've made your decision so just take it a day at a time & see how it works out. If it all goes tits up at least you'll know you tried everything & it'll make walking away easier. Best of luck with it & as you said just keep the focus on you & dc's for now.

Waves to all.........

Hi Tea, how are you doing.

Hi Chairmum, hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Hope everyone else is having a nice day...........

maybees - that's a good thing that he is surprised by how strong you are being!

tea - i've read your other thread and of course it is going to hurt. Every step of what we're all going through is going to hurt somehow.

I'm having a down day today. Feeling better than I was but still trying to do very little to let myself get better. If I still hurt tomorrow I'm going to the docs. I'm spending too much time at home at the moment and that always gets me down. I know its normal to need to see people, and after yesterday with my friend it isn't easy to be too cheery. I'm thinking about what H is up to - too much, and I feel that's a failure because I need to relinquish the control that I have had over his life that I don't think is healthy. I have to be able to let him do his own thing - either as a prelude to letting him go or as a starting point to build something new from.

I'm also struggling because I haven't been able to keep the house as I want it, and I think that perhaps that bit is what I'm now allowing myself to control. And when I'm well it works - my routines don't take me too long and allow me to relax at the end of the day, but I don't like it when I haven't got things done

I need to try to go out tomorrow to break out of this mood. I keep telling myself I just have saturday to look forward to, but I need to be able to move and breathe properly to go!

Someone snap me out of this?

Can you all guess what I went and did after posting that

The kitchen is now gleaming and mopped, lounge tidy and hoovered and washing done.

However, I did make time to have a bath and am now watching masterchef. I want some lamb now

Well done!

I'm sitting glued to the PC with red rimmed eyes and a messy kitchen next door.

tea - I suspect that if I get to where you are with divorce etc, that will be me!

Also I'm not sure that all my cleaning is healthy either. I am trying to relinquish control of some aspects of my life as it was - and this is, I think, where it is spilling out. Still, it is something that I can actually control! (for the moment)

Wow Chairmum, I know I shouldn't be encouraging you but that sounds good. I did manage floors & a general tidy & a big tackle of garden today but bath is begining to look dodgy. Also all of the above took me most of the day.....

I'm also a bit like you the more my life is out of control the more important it becomes to have a tidy house ........

Tea sending you big hugs, this too shall pass........

None of you must visit my house ever (hides). I spend too much time on YouTube.

Keep reading threads and posting Tea and let
the tears come if you need to cry. You will get alot of knowlege re Xs behaviour thru other peoples stories Big hugs ....you are going to bloom and flourish .You are so superior to this lowlife selfish hurtful bastard. He makes me sooooo cross.Nobody deserves this kind of behaviour ever !You have made the right decision for your family.
You are a fab loving Mum with 2 fabby dcs xxx

Anyone seen Scorps.... big waves
Miaow did you do the shiny sink thing read about it on FL

Scorps started thread on here this morning, "please help me let go"

Waves to all.......... Am back from a wild goose chase, long story! Not in the best of humours as a conversation with someone has put me in bad humour, praying for serenity.

Tea, hope you're feeling a bit better. Remember you're at the worst possible place with this now, things will get a bit easier with time. Feed dc's do the basics & other than that be as kind as possible to yourself. Get as much RL support as possible. I remember you said your FIL was very good so maybe try to get a bit of practical & emotional support from him.

Maybees, never read the fly thread but am now having obsessive thoughts on how to achieve the shiny sink!!

Scorps, hope you're feeling a bit better & that you've some good support.

Happy, don't be about house, you've obviously got a more exciting life than the rest of us at the mo!

Pink, every time I think of you now I think my ellusive house is actually possible! Your post about decluttering made it all sound possible!

Morning all,

I slept pretty well last night for a change (7 hours at most but fewer wakeups than normal) so I'm feeling good today.

Tea - one foot in front of the other today, if that's as much as you can do, then fine. At the start everyone just told me don't worry about being perfect or even good enough, just focus on getting through it in one piece. Do what you have to do.

I think if I weren't pregnant I'd be taking up a new hobby to fill some of my time but it seems a bit silly for 9 weeks or so, particularly when the cleaning is helping me feel a bit more prepared for the baby. I guess its only really negative when I let myself go over the top, so I will be watching the heavy lifting etc (I made H take my heavy bin to the kerb last night when he picked up DS)

I hope everyone has a good day. I need to make an effort to get out of the house today. Need to go shopping and/or take DS to a holiday activity. Think both would be overdoing it but I can't decide which is more important!

maybees - I don't normally do the shiny sink thing as I try not to be too perfectionist about it all, and as I never dry my dishes

Flylady has very detailed (if american) instructions on her site about shining the sink. I do it differently as I try not to use too many chemicals so I make a paste with bicarbonate of soda and water and give it a good scrub. Then I rinse with warm water and shine with a dilute white vinegar solution. (Its partly an environmental thing, and partly because chemicals irritate my asthma)

Shine your sink!

Actually flylady has been helping me take control of other bits of my life. She has an idea of a control journal where you put all sorts of important things. You put your cleaning lists etc in, but what struck me as important is things like emergency contact numbers. Important for someone living alone. I added some of my own ideas too, so I'm in the process of writing down things like how to change a fuse, where meters are, and where the stop tap is! I need to add more but it feels like a good project.

Also I now have a bedtime routine which makes me be very sure that the house is locked up safe, whatever I've done that day - H always used to lock up and I didn't always used to think about it.

Whoops, essay

Morning all

Nice to see some cleaning chat!

Will be back later...

Tea, I hope you are feeling better today. It's been a hard week for you I know and I hope you can find some peace today.

It is a sunny day here so I will go out - it always makes me feel better to be out and about rather than at home where I can fester if I see four walls for too long.

Happy - now's a good time to join the fledgling fliers thread as we're only a few days into the new month ;-)

Is all this sunshine making people smile today?

Not doin very well H not sure what he's really wanting and I'm struggling with my trust issues .....still can't say i'm surprised last lie he told me was sunday b4 that Friday and he doesnt understand why I cant just get over it .Anyway had a cry ,dont know if he s coming home 2nite.Read Scorps thread and know I am just wasting my time.That is the problem I cant start from scratch I'm just waiting to for him to hurt me and I have given up on us ,didnt want him to move in til he was sober 6 mths but couldnt watch him throw his life down the drain with drink.Kids deserve stability ,I deserve to be loved by a good man.He has so many issues but still in denial.
Too difficult to live with H if not "together" as a couple ,has to find accomodation on his own or this will get very bitter .

maybees

Its all true though - it will be easier if he's out again, and you DO deserve more than this. HE has to take responsibility for his drinking - you can't make him change, whether you have to watch it or not.

You know what you need to do!

it sounds like he needs to work on this not in your home Maybees

whatever happens you need to maintain your serenity and Dumpling fabulosity above all else - and to share that with the DC's xx

He has done really well this week rescue remedies have really helped him stay calm.He hasnt drank since Saturday.But I hear what your saying CM .I shouldnt be the one supporting him cause he has caused me so much pain recently I try and relax then I just see a bitter guy who doesnt want to change he just wants a wife who will accept a selfish husband.Its what I said b4 I'm never going to be happy with 2nd best ,why should I .Why cant he at least buy me an easter egg or a bunch of flowers I just mean after the last five mths he comes back home whats wrong with a fun Thankyou pressie .Cos in his head that just doesnt register TBH he doesnt want to cherish me and the dcs he is too busy cherishing himself.Worse to see it close up but at least I am getting closure of a sort .Have major life changing decisions to make to enable me and dcs to be financially independent just didnt want to have to lift kids out of nursery or give him an excuse to drink all day everyday thought it was better he kept working ....AAAAAARGH!Going to order 2 books now on amazon....co dependency and abusive relationships.Need to start cleaning too will be very therapeutic keep putting it off think i got a bit depressed this week TBH watching the life I wanted just evaporate .Boundaries still in place but he is starting to back track ,am I surprised ....no.Wish I could make it to London but no money in my piggy bank.

Thats it Happy I knew this but then "horror"stories re his drinking is only reason he is here.

Just dont trust him.He will bring me down cos he doent know how to "look after " a woman only himself.I dont know what it is to be treated properly I am so clouded up only starting to find myself .Thats why I would never be offended by what you all write I just dont know what is "normal " anymore.He is already back telling me it is my fault,you were like this b4 I met you .ALARM BELLS CLANG CLANG CLANG !

"He is flawed in many important ways"quote from AF on Scorps thread.
Just cant get it out of my head.
Don't think he will ever really get IT !
Think this is all going to turn bitter...going to have a bath and wash my hair....