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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No3

1000 replies

startingovernow · 12/03/2010 21:44

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

OP posts:
maybees · 05/04/2010 16:50

Meanwhile back in Maybee world we have a major breakthru re H accepting responsibility for being a selfish immature twunt.Desperately wants another chance and I have said he needs to be SOBER and go to counselling to undo major issues from childhood.If it works I will have sober husband without baggage.Thing is he has asked for my support... do I give it ?
He knows this is last chance time one drink ,lie etc and its over ,not going to commit to living with a selfish cabbage for the rest of my life.........

Scorps · 05/04/2010 17:27

I think that your support of him through counselling is a positive step, though he has to go properly and live apart still I think.

ChairmumMiaowGoingItAlone · 05/04/2010 20:16

maybees - it must be nice to feel like things are moving, but I would still want to protect myself if it were me. I guess it depends what sort of support he wants, because you can't take all the burdens on yourself - you have to deal with the fallout of his actions, and if you take responsibility for his recovery too, I think you're putting too much on yourself.

I'm having a really really down day here. Had lots of plans to get the house even cleaner, wash baby clothes and stuff and I have done precisely nothing because I overdid it over the weekend. It makes being on my own easier because I feel like I have achieved something useful - that will make my life easier in the long run. I try to make sure I see people too, but getting out and about can be hard sometimes.

I used to read a lot - I can see now that I was escaping into trashy novels and shutting myself off from my lethargy and depression - so I seem to have an aversion to it at the moment. So I sat around, did a bit of office work that I had the papers for, had a nap and generally winced every time I sat up or tried to move (pulled stomach muscles, really uncomfortable).

Right now I am tired and miserable and feeling very sorry for myself, lonely and silly for overdoing it instead of pacing myself. I knew reality would start to kick in at some point, and this feels like it.

Thank god I've got something nice to look forward to next weekend!

Scorps · 05/04/2010 20:45

Chairmum - the exact same thing is happening to me re reading, I kind of know now that I read to escape and now I've twigged I can't!!

I feel so lonely and worthless. So scared of the future.

Mumfun · 05/04/2010 20:58

(()) Miaow and Scorps. Theyve turned your worlds up side down and left you on your own. Natural to have sad feelings, be worried etc. Im beginning to find it very lonely being on my own for so many nights.

Applying for a very flexible job -on top of 2 other small things I do. Will do some at night to keep myself occupied if I get it. I think its natural to want to escape sometimes -but keep it in balance. Im wittering on but will stop now. Am looking forward to meeting up also

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 05/04/2010 21:19

Hi everyone

A funny old day today (need to find some music to lighten the mood for us all I think...)

Did spend the whole of the afternoon outside though which was good. However, now in the middle of a DC problem, which is stressful. As I just texted to a RL friend (I do have some btw) - "I can't believe my life!"

Ladies, I can't read either so you are not the only ones.

Scorps and Chairmum - wishing you a big hug and suggest you are kind to yourselves tonight. Chocolate, a nice bath, they are all good.

Maybees, sounds like a tough one. Can you give him some support somehow in a way that doesn't hook you in emotionally? Is that possible though.

MumFun, job sounds good.

Was all ok with access today Starting?

teaandcakeplease · 05/04/2010 22:15

I've reactivated my old thread today for some more advice. Lets hope they're gentle with me!

My escapism is mumsnet and tv since separation.

startingovernow · 05/04/2010 23:14

Evening my fellow dumplings,

Maybees, that sounds great news. You could support him for now but not leave him back into the house until he has proved himself.

Scorps, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling lonely & worthless. Try to take care of yourself and get as much RL support as you can.

Chairmum, sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Hope you managed to get that bath. Tomorrow is another day & hopefully you'll feel a bit better.

Mumfun, job sounds great. Not sure how you manage to juggle it all.

Happy, sorry to hear you're having another issue with dc, hope it's somewhat resolved now. Exh didn't have any access today.

Tea, must look up you're old thread. Hope you get some good advice.

OP posts:
pinksmarties · 05/04/2010 23:35

Hi all, had an ok day but feel sooooo lethargic. I think I have pure chocolate running through my veins and it's slowing me down.
Chairmum... stop cleaning, you need to conserve your energy and you're bump's more important than a pristene house.

Scorps...you're not worthless, you must be tired though.

Maybees... a sober DH with no baggage sounds good to me.

Tea... my escapism is MN and telly too, Ilove them both.

Happy... looking forward to meet up and being able to listen to your DC problems. They might mirror mine.

Hi starting and mumfun.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 05/04/2010 23:49

dance away or

for those of you that are either unclean or escaping rats

because you're worth it....

keep smiling DJ Happy xx

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 06/04/2010 09:16

Starting - woke up early and remembered that you wouldn't have access yesterday because it was MONDAY doh!

pinksmarties · 06/04/2010 14:00

It's 1.55pm where is everyone.

Just emailed sol about"stuff" and feeling v emotional. Got a lump in my throat and trying not to cry cos tha gas man is coming in a min. Don't want to scare him off, I've been 6 days !

Hope you're all ok today.

maybees · 06/04/2010 14:09

Big hugs Smartie I'm getting quite keen on Bach flower Rescue Remedies have you ever tried them plant extract that helps inner calm.Gas man might be a young hunk

maybees · 06/04/2010 14:57

Spent hour and a half at lunch yesterday talking to friend re H .I thought they were falling asleep in places (a bit older than me)but then gave me good points to think about .Told him about Chin up (changed it to)Chest out attitude.

Then went to alanon at night and still felt positive when I came home which I think is a good sign.I am not the "silly or angry girl" around H I used to be I am definately a calm WOMAN with boundaries re acceptable behaviour (only taken me 38 years 2 kids and a marriage separation but I got here )All about boundaries and one strike and your out policy.I feel I have nothing to lose BUT he has EVERYTHING to lose so if he fucks me over again re alcohol I will boot his arse out the door -end of !
Unfortunately ladies at group can tell me stories of men off the drink ten yrs then fatal relapse.Feel I have one more chance left in me but have told him THATS IT cos kids and ME need stability and security.

Thing is this time I am in a far better place emotionally than I have ever been in my life.We have fun as a family and can cope without H and my "lurve"feelings with H are about 50% so with clear boundaries I think he can be around the house more so he has more love and security if he is SOBER and POSITIVE.Yet if he Fucks up I can detatch cause ATM my "Been there done that" survival tactics are securely in place.I'm like dont believe you -change my mind!Told him he has to behave his way out of this (nice one HAPPY)I feel so empowered it is very healthy place to be .
No one in life should accept second best from a man.

He has awful accomodation and no support from his family so not great .

He knows I wanted to go it alone and he knows I would be thinking about meeting someone else "cos I have needs " as he put it .I know that I would be looking by the end of the summer I certainly dont owe H anything ,so I feel I have nothing to lose .It is all up to him.I CANNOT stop him drinking.He can CHOOSE to stop.
I have told him there are no guarantees but if he straightens himself up he will be a better parent and you never know what will happen ,my rules ladies ....
to be continued.........

ps Smartie ur post sums it all up sober husband with no baggage ,sounds good!
Up to him now .........I don't have to do a thing ,in fact the least I do the better.I shall just project calmness and serenity

maybees · 06/04/2010 15:08

Phrase from Alanon when times r tough

"This too shall pass "

and it will...

All negatives are always followed by positive days that make you think how could I have felt so blue...
so big hugs

Chin up! Chest out!

Keep posting
Keep healing and nourishing yourselves !

Kick ass dumplings with zero tolerance to twunt behaviour !

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 06/04/2010 15:11

Afternoon all - it's Tuesday now so the tears will stop (will get dressed soon too). Sounds a bit silly I know but I've quite enjoyed my wallow so I think I needed a few duvet days.

Pink - chin up, tits out and we'll see you at the weekend

Maybees - sounds like you know what you're doing. (I wouldn't want to meet you down a dark alley IYSWIM meant in the nicest possible way!). Serenity rules.

Tea, Scorps, MumFun - feel free to come back and talk - I can see that you are all in a difficult place at the moment. Sending you some much needed fabulosity.

And Starting, are you ok, you are a bit quiet at the moment. Surely Operation house must be complete by now - perhaps time for some more painting

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 06/04/2010 15:13

X post Maybees - see what I mean about the alley?

maybees · 06/04/2010 15:14

Nice one Happy I take that as a compliment you can see how I need to work on SERENITY !
Love ya ....x

maybees · 06/04/2010 15:20

Also need to work on the cleaning .....
Can everyone send me their cleaning vibes please.....total bombsite here !

maybees · 06/04/2010 15:21

Just found a packet of mini eggs ...away to put the kettle on .....

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 06/04/2010 15:28

Thinks? I'm sure I sent you a cleaning song the other day

ChairmumMiaowGoingItAlone · 06/04/2010 15:50

maybees - I'm on a flylady kick. Ticking off my list is very satisfying and gives me a sense of acomplishment every day. I need one!

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 06/04/2010 16:15

Chairmum - flylady is just wrong . Remember not to wear yourself out.

ChairmumMiaowGoingItAlone · 06/04/2010 16:25

Happy - it was the extra decluttering and stuff that did me in! So I'm taking that a lot slower now. Just having a tidy house makes me feel better, and now I'm not in a slump its depressing to live in a mess!

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 06/04/2010 16:37

You're right about the tidy house - make me clean mine please then - I am starting at a pile of !

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