ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched No3

[startingovernow]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Afternoon Dumplings, dc's were collected at 12 so I'm just back from my outing . He wants to keep them later so I think he knows he has to play ball.

Glad you're all enjoying your Easter Sunday. My plan is to continue working on operation house while dc's are out. Easter represents new life, hope etc... so I'm holding on to that. I'm really hoping to start to leave all the sadness & pain behind now.

found a picture of you with your curlers on the internet Starting

starting larking about

. V good happy. I love queen. Operation house came to a standstill. Spent past hour on phone so need to get arse into gear now! Thanks for motivation.........

This may be long and questioning...

He came round Friday night, basically I offered him the chance, he ummed and arred, said it would be nice, how hot I was, how he misses me, also we addressed main breakup issues. He also said about how being apart is getting easier now, how he doesn't think things will change.

Then, he cuddled me and we kind of clung on to each other for dear life. Then more chatting. Remembering good times.

Anyway he went to leave and asked if I would see him out - I went into the hall and he was hanging about, I asked him what's on your mind, nothing he said. I gave him a cuddle, again really tight and he kissed me. He carried me into the kitchen and we stopped just short of sex as I said about a condom and baby woke up. He left after a snog goodbye.

Then ten mins later I get a txt saying 'i'm sorry'! He said he couldn't do it. Said it was nice.

Then yday when he dropped dcs home he apologised for texting that, can it still be considered etc. I said yes but I want someone who wants me, not for me to be a second choice.

So he came to get dc today and said he feels positive because he doesn't feel like he HAS to do it, he felt pressured on Friday for a choice. Then he text me saying would be nice to watch film together sometime, I said so what's happening now and he said yeah see how it goes.

Now I have issues. I don't wana be a sex fling. I don't wanna be second. I don't wantto hang on hoping he will eventually move back etc. I don't want to say no to small dates etc IF it could reconcile. I just don't wanna be used - it's never black and White is it, reconciliation? Do you think this progress is positive, him wanting a date type thing or not?

I mentioned divorce the other day. Did not go down well. Why can't he realise if he wants wife n kids or not, why aren't men that cut and dry?

Basically I need a plan. One that will stop me obsessing but also protect myself, but also give things a chance too. I'm thinking a film and takeaway, no sex and no staying over, and wait for him to set date?

It's almost like I want to know if this Is at all hopeful or just stupid.

We have had more contact lately too, text sometimes and all, but it's not like a 'miss you' thing, just day to day and lately him being ahem sexual ish.

Help me!

I think until he earns back your trust, you MUSTN'T sleep with him.

But a date night is a good idea to foster good relations etc.

That's my point of view in short. Give yourself a few months to be sure before commencing divorce, you're living on little sleep right now which doesn't help you to think clearly and you're naturally lonely (me too, miss my H lots) and missing him. But don't sleep with him until he has earnt your trust again.

Just having coffee break after mad flurry of cleaning.

Scorps, you prob won't want to hear this & you may not even like me after this but you asked for opinions & here's mine. If you really want to give this another shot I would be dragging him off to relate & not on dates. It sounds like he has all the power & he sounds selfish & self centred. I don't see that he has changed at all or made any effort since OW. I think you are setting yourself up to have your heart broken all over again.

We all go through stages of finding it very hard to let go & desperately wanting the happy ever after. Having a baby must make it even harder & your hormones are prob still all over the place. I think your self esteem is going to plummet if you allow him to continue treating you like this. Personally I don't see the point in going on dates etc, this will only give your H the best of both worlds.

I genuinely believe that a marriage should be saved if at all possible but I don't see that your H has made any effort. I may be completely wrong but from the facts you've posted this is how it appears to me. I am really for you & really hope you manage to get to a happier place.

From what you've said Scorps, you're in danger of getting hurt I think. And you've been hurt enough. I think you also need to be sure of course that your DCs don't get affected by any toing and froing here. I know you'll be sure to look after their interests. In my case, I think my kids were subjected to more angst than I realised at the time and I think I was so affected by what BE was doing that I became incapable of seeing what was happening at times.

I think to give a proper opinion here I need to be reminded of why you split from his perspective and what he did to hurt you. Can you post that here or on another thread? I suppose I'm trying to think about what he did and what's changed now that could make it right to try again.

And...forgot to say

Even I am doing just a bit of cleaning.

What next? surely not

All I would say scorps is sort any issues out first with your own self esteem so you have healthier boundaries about how people treat you .....you are totally amazing and I guess sometimes you dont feel as fabulous as you should ..counselling will help regain ur kick ass fabulosity ....big hugs ....well done you are doin great big hugs to baby L x

I remember seeing Carwash at the cinema when I was about 14, it was brill.
Think we should call call you "DJ Happy"

scorps I was getting carried away with the romance of you and H kissing and cuddeling and him carrying you into the kitchen .....it sounded so sexy (no one's ever carried me into the bloody kitchen).an

Then I awoke with a start(ing) and could see clearly that your H wants it all.

You, sex, see the DC sometimes but no responsibilities. He needs to be kicked into touch and start living in the real world.

It must have hurt you so much when he said that it was getting easier being apart and he doesn't think things will change.

And then he tries to seduce you !!!!!!!

Very shoddy behavior imho.

One day you'll find someone who is worthy of a nice shag on the kitchen table. It's not him though.

scorps - your post really really sounds like he just wants everything - and to screw you up in the process. I know it messes up your head when they can't make up their mind, but if you can stay strong I am sure it will help you be sure you are making the right decision

I have been demonstrating my fabulosity by planting my seeds by myself (well with the assistance of a 7 year old and DS). They're probably done all wrong but I don't care. They're in and no other adult helped me. Of course I ache now!

a nice dance along from the DJ praise the dumplings

My hubby is looking at renting a room in Notts Bloody miles away, he'd barely see the kids, let alone afford petrol.

Feeling as only found out tonight.

oh tea That's horrible.

H talked about taking a job in london right before he moved out and I remember feeling much much angrier about that than everything else that was going on personally between us - so you have all my sympathy.

Exactly! My DD loves him so much and is always asking about him. It would be so hard for her if she barely saw him. Why is being so selfish?

We live near Watford its bloomin' miles away to Notts. Of course his affair partner lives in Mancs so closer drive but he always said he wanted to be near kids so why is he suddenly doing this to me?

Did your H move to London in the end?

• is he

Its not like he's got a job up there. Its just him needing to find somewhere to rent that's cheap as still on JSA.

Waves to all, hope you all had plenty of choc & fun. Made a lot of progress on the cleaning front today while dc's were gone so may actually attain the perfect house yet!!!! (who am I kidding)

Tea, that sounds awful, hope he won't go ahead with it.

Scorps, hope you're ok?? Remember we are here to help regardless of what decision you make

Grrr for you Tea -hope he changes his mind. (()) to little DD

Scorps -boundaries advice from B is good- hes got to make effort and be less selfish if you two are to work again( IMHO)

Just wee short message tonight - got to go to bed. Happy late Easter all!

Tea - no he didn't. I absolutely blew up about it and then SIL did the same about it. He was already worried about a being a weekend dad like his was. I think it was just him trying to escape from a difficult situation as I was very upset at the time. Now he's gone things are easier and he has DS 3 nights and one day a week, which is working well.

Thanks all for your support - basically it comes down to two points - I feel like I'm worth someone who wants me for me. But then what if a slowly slowly approch works?

He admits and understands the things he did wrong.

Relate then?

I'm not sure it's quite relate time yet - doesn't that imply some kind of commitment level? He seems reluctant to commit to much. On 1 hand you could say that's sensible, on the other you could see it as being kept on.

I mean Friday night after everything he text saying no just friends, then saturday and yday he back tracked, saying seeing a film would be nice, etc.

Has text me alot already today only about dcs but really dragging it out iyswim.

I googled about marriage reconciliation last night. Alot of official websites suggesting the slowness etc.

I can't help but wonder if it's The Fear making me want it back or true feelings. I do fancy the ass off him though and that's reciprocated. We both miss each other and parts of our relationship.

I think I'm just gonna carry on and see how I go for a bit. He's one of those men that if you push for anything he will run, even if he doesn't wanna iyswim.

We also talked about the actual split and he said 'it was a big ball that ran away and I wish, nonot wish, yes actually wish that I was brave enough to talk to you'.

My friend said if nothing changes in a month or so I should file for divorce. Then it will be either you do or you don't want us time.

Scorps just quickly

You are absolutely right - Relate is only when both parties are interested in the marriage. Really he should do whats called'me' work on his own before you go to relate. IE he should sort his sh*t out - in ideal world have counselling and get himself together and work out why he did what he did - and then how to go forward.

Yes he has been doing alot of reflecting I think, he knows OW was wrong, etc. Also appears to have partially reflected on his own personality by some things he has said. He can see how his behaviour led to some of my behaviours.

I feel lost. I don't know what to do.

Dont feel lost sweetie you already are starting to put together a plan.If both of you have better boundaries re acceptable behaviour in a marriage then thats a good thing.Both of you should do some" me "work IMO FWIW .Then you get a better idea of what u want from life and what will make you happy ,no point accepting 2nd best x