Are you 100% certain your dp/dh would never cheat on you?

[thesteelfairy2]

if you are why do you feel that way?

I am truly interested in the answers to this seeing as Mark Owen has joined the long line of celebrity cheating ar*eholes.

Also when I first met my ex h I would have bet a £million that he would never cheat on me. Even though it was in my face I trusted him implicitly because of all the things he said and his reactions to other peoples infidelities.

I personally am of the opinion that all men cheat given the opportunity, don't flame me though these are just my personal experiences of men. I have been in the army and worked mostly in male dominated environments so have extensive experience of random men and their relationship habits.

'My husband doesnt believe in sex before marriage either and waited 2 years before he could have sex with me. If you have that sort of restraint you arent the type to be out cheating or being involved in other relationships. Same goes for me.'

Conversely sunshine, you could argue that you are more vulnerable to infidelity, with neither of you knowing what it is like to have sex with anyone else, who is to say that one day you won't wonder if it could be better.

My husband and I on the other hand know that sex with other people, especially people you don't know very well can be really really shit, and that is at least one of the things that stops me doing it

I think it is great that you and your DH are so committed and want to spend time together, but you have to see that you are being a little smug and judgemental. Being able to spend time apart is one of the things that keeps DH and I together. I need space as a person, plus if every spare minute was spent together then he would have had to sit though every episode of Sex and the City a million times and I would have to sit through bloody Lost! I'm glad that we are comfortable to be able to spend time apart, after all, one day one of us might not be around.

WWIFN, you know I have the utmost admiration and respect for you, however, you maintain that affairs happen in good/strong marriages, yet you admit that your good marriage was in a bad place when your DH's affair took place and that it was a character flaw/weakness on his part that lead to that affair.

I still maintain that it would be a cold day in hell before I would forgive my husband for any kind of infidelity, simpy because he knows my feelings on the subject, so he would be the one making the choice to end our marriage if he chose to cheat on me.

As an aside , I can't be 100% sure that he would never leave me, 99.9% yes, but still 100% sure that he wouldn't cheat.

I believe that people can be 100% faithful, but I don't think I'm one of those people, and I don't think I attract people like that either. Infidelity isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for me, depends what kind I guess.

"Conversely sunshine, you could argue that you are more vulnerable to infidelity, with neither of you knowing what it is like to have sex with anyone else, who is to say that one day you won't wonder if it could be better".

I understand where you are coming from Bumperlicious, but it is perfectly possible to go your whole life without wondering what sex would be like with someone else, I have. A lifetime of fulfilling sex with your one and only sexual partner brings something so special I can't even begin to describe it.
Both partners have a duty to keep a sexual relationship satisfying and exciting, why would anyone need to stray if they have that. I've said it before but I know I will never have a sexual relationship with another man, ever. Nothing could ever compare to what I have.

Actually Mal, I've said no such thing. I've said my H was in a bad place - and I've said that my good marriage is infinitely stronger now than it was pre-affair, but our marriage was actually in a pretty good place when my H first embarked on what he thought was a safe friendship. He then started the distancing that often goes on to reduce a happy marriage to a distant one - to provide the justification. Thanks for your comments though.

I've been lurking on this thread since yesterday and there are some interesting insights from both sides. It seems as if the majority has conceded that affairs are a part of life and that there is absolutely no guarantee whether your dh/dp would.

Even perfect marriages do not mean that they are affair proof. Everyone is open to temptation. That is not to say of course that one necessarily has to give in to it. There are a few posters here who seem to think that somehow having a devoted husband with whom she spends all her spare time with means that neither of them would stray. Well, if the temptation isn't there then of course not. Waiting to have sex after marriage does not automatically mean that the marriage is invincible from an affair.

As for me. I trust that my dh won't but that does not mean that he will never be tempted or attracted to someone else. If it happens, he would have the decency to tell me first so that we could deal with the issue.

Also agree that an affair shouldn't undo years of happiness. The marital vows also include "for better for worse"

My apologies WWIFN, I thought I remembered a post of yours that said that you were both at a point where you could have been tempted to stray because of how things were , I must be mixing you up with someone else .

Mal - It may have been me that said i have been tempted.
In fact recently it has been tested again.
But i was open and honest with my dh and even though i wasnt even sure i could trust myself (it was with a long lost friend who i used to fancy) all my friends seemed to know i wouldnt.

I also hope you dont think me 'bad' as i do still wonder what it would be like with other people - there is a part of me that would like to experience what ow had!

But that is a world of a difference between me having such little respect for my h as to embark on an affair.

Soupdragon the OP is saying ALL men she has known are like this not just one who has cheated on her. She says thats what men are like. I am saying not all men are like that and if you think every man is then you are totally wrong

DH would never cheat on me, his family is the most important thing to him and with me come the kids, his relationship with my parents (he has none with his to speak of). But I always knew that I could trust me

I don't trust my now ex (not my ex because of cheating - other reasons) - am quite sure he would have been capable of cheating and may have even cheated, but I don't know about it. I work with him (different department thankfully) and I am sure he spends ever spare moment chatting up girls who come into work (he is on reception)..... I thought that before I was pregnant and am even more certain or paranoid of that now. In theory we are not together so he is free to do as he pleases (which he does), but I would still be pissed off if I found out he was seeing someone else.

I also dont really think of whether I am invincible to affairs as I just am saying all men are not serial cheating losers who have no regard for their wife like she seems to think all men do.

To eatshootlevaves - Of course we fancy other people. I like to call him by other mens names in bed and vice versa. I am in to the type of fantasy of watching etc and we pick out people in the street to do this about but thats nothing wrong with that as your both involved in it. Your obviously not going to only fancy one person that is ridiculous but cheating is going behind the other persons back and we would never do that to each other. Why have secrets?

My DP is in a different room to me right now having a bath. Is our relationship doomed
Sunshine:
"I like to call him by other mens names in bed and vice versa"

Really - now that's plain odd!!!

bumperlicious as I said we do spend 48 hours a week apart and then all sleeping tme. we only spend 3 hours together off a night and the weekend together that is hardly excessive. I have all day to spend time as a person without him every single day. How much more time do I need apart from him?

Its just s and m type porn stuff im and in to, voyeur stuff etc its pretty common then we can pretend the other person is watching. Its just like dressing up and role play. See people we like make up erotic stories etc, act it out etc. I really enjoy it what you do in the bedroom is up to the couple as long as you are both honest then to me anything goes

sunshine-can i for one say that i am jealous of you? Size 8? devoted husband-and you even get 2 hours in the morning before everyone else gets up to yourself AND time to do your cleaning? And you see doing anything else without your family (and by that I assume your kids who you take to work with you) as a waste of time?
That's ABSOLUTELY the kind of marriage that I and other women should aspire to for ourselves and our children...you could teach those pankhurst idiots a thing or two.

Haha i am not the worlds domesticated person. I just mean get all the stuff off the floor etc. I dont cook and I am not really into cleaning loads. I just hoover once a week and then wash up when we have ran out of plates. My husband is more in to that type of thing

Ah Mal, don't worry, I think I did once post that I too would have been vulnerable to an affair, but I actually meant after the pre-affair distancing by my H had started - and certainly during his affair. However, prior to that, an affair wouldn't have entered my head.

I can also see that there were some lifestyle vulnerabilities, in that we had a very child-centred marriage etc. but fortunately even my H has always maintained that ours was a good marriage. He's never once blamed me or our marriage. After 24 years, I do think it needed revitalising a bit, but so often I think ill-informed people (not you btw) assume that a marriage must have been on its last legs for an affair to happen. We are living proof that our marriage was light years away from that - and it's probably why we've been able to get past it and recover. It really was too good to throw away.

it's an interesting debate. Your posts are insightful WWIFN. I remember your posts from long ago.

It's such an important point you make - an unhappy marriage is not a pre requisite for an affair.

We are witnessing the collapse of several of our friends' marriages at the moment. It is very sad. We have seen an increase over the last couple of years - I think age does have something to do with it. Most of our friends are mid to late 40s. Out of my NCT group, 50% have divorced or separated and 2 of our close friends have split up.

Horrid really.

I do think some affairs are people making a mistake - and those are the ones where the marriage can recover I believe.

But hard, very very hard.

Also WhenwillIfeel normal I agree with your post and dont think there is that much wrong of one of you got with someone else cause things got out of hand thats different to having sex with everything that moves. I dont see anything too wrong with that situation as long as it only involved kissing, oral etc nothing that could risk someone getting pregnant and bringing a kid in to the world. Other than that yes I agree it would be forgiveable.

I didnt not have sex before marriage because I am religious or anything I just feel strongly that I didnt want kids out of wedlock and didnt want to do anything to risk it. I only had to wait till I was 17 anyway and didnt want to be pregnant before then anyway. I still 100% say neither of us would cheat though because we think its morally wrong to go behind someone elses back. If he broke up with me then that would also be fine but I know for a fact neither of us would cheat. I also wouldnt be mad at him if he divorced me and went off with someone else as long as he didnt cheat and he has said the same vice versa which is fair enough by me. Cheating is going behind someones back and I can 100% say neither of us would do that.

Also as I have said various times I am not saying one person that has a husband cheats is bad at picking men I am saying women that say ALL men are like that and they ALL do this are wrong and its insulting to men. Its especially insulting to men acting like all women are angels and men are like some type of sex crazed psychos who will do anything that moves.

My relationship doesnt define me my family define me and my job. That means all of them and my husband is just a small part of it.

Sunshine I read your posts with increasing confusion. You wouldnt mind your husband leaving/divorcing for any reason (and thereby devastating the children you thought so long and hard about bringing in to the world) and yet if he cheated, the cheating thing is something you could never forgive?

Sunshine, I don't think the time you spend together is excessive, DH and just need to spend time alone as between working and looking after DD neither of us has much time to be ourselves. I'm also serious on the TV front! Do you watch each other's shit TV! Or not watch any and actually spend time talking to each other

I completely agree with you that the believe that 'all men cheat' is rubbish, but I believe that everyone, men and woman, have a capacity to cheat. Emotions are a very powerful thing, as is a lack of inhibitions when things like alcohol are involved. I just think you cannot guarantee anything in life.