life turned upside down

[dawntildusk]

I am really freaked out and need help putting this in perspective.
Here goes.
2 weeks ago a good friend of 25 years told me straight out that my dh (then boyfriend) raped her. It happened 14 years ago. She told me she has no recollection whatsoever of the night leading up to or immediately after the event. She woke up with him in the bed and he was inside her. She shouted at him and he left. Obviously I was shattered, devastated, nauseous, reeling from the shock. I sympathised with her, held her and hugged her and apologised over and over. When I confronted dh he was all the above multiplied by a million. His recollection of the event is this. We were all out drinking for the afternoon at a rugby match followed by the pub and then a club. 16 hours later we went to her house and he was helped to bed(by my brother and me). During the night he got out of our bed, he reckons to go to the bathroom, and climbed back in her bed. He remembers kissing and fondling, he does not deny he may have penetrated her but only "came too" after some kissing and they both realised what was happening at the same time. He left immediately, still really drunk and went back to bed.
I don't know what I am looking for by posting this but the word "rape" for me conjures up much different images than the one described to me. We have been married 12 years and have 4 beautiful children. My dh has been a kind, thoughtful, caring and supportive partner to me and I love him dearly. My friend is single, turning 40 this year and is blaming her recent breakdown on this event. I am so confused and need to know what you think. Is this rape?

Is this rape?

All the people saying if she thinks she was raped she must go to the police. If she doesn't then obviously it must be malicious.

I feel I should point out that very few rapes are ever reported to the police. The fact that she will not go to the police should not, I feel, be taken as a signal that she is making it all up.

Dawn - I honestly don't know how you are still managing to stay on this thread. I have just caught up with the messages of the past couple of days and it's making me really angry that your DH is being accused of rape, 14 years after 2 adults had a bit of a mistaken fumble when both of them were absolutely hammered.

This is not rape. She has no recollection of the night - she doesn't know what she said to your DH - so how can she say she didn't act in a consenting manner? Your DH is pretty sure there wasn't any penetration, but knows he was hammered so can't be totally sure - she says he had the tip of his penis inside her (hardly banging her senseless was he??). She has chosen to stay friends with him for the past 14 years since that night...including wanting/happy to be alone with him.

She told your mutual friend 'tom jones raped me 14 years ago' and hasn't said anything else...

She is wanting to know what's happening within your relationship because of her allegations, she's offering to help you with you kids, making the assumption you would leave him because of her.... she is, for one reason or another, attention seeking.

Be careful & look after yourselves x

sugarmousepink, we have done a rough outline of events alright but we really need to iron out some other issues which have been brought up here. The way I am looking at it at the moment is that she WAS raped, legally but that he is not a rapist. I do not feel that there was any intent there to either rape her or to be unfaithful to me.
Chippingin, I cannot believe that I am still on this thread either! I expected to get a few replies when I posted and then go away and process them, but am hooked! I hve tried a few times to sign off and thank everyone for their extremly insightful input but have found myself unable to do so, this is really my only outlet and I feel dh needs a bit of a break from it tbh. He took some time off work 2 weeks ago and we talked about it adnauseum, I have not told him yet that I posted on here as he has been away but intend to go on a log walk this afternoon with him and have a good chat. As an aside I am really pissed off at myself as am back smoking after 2 years off them! am now smoking more that I ever did before and between sneaking around trying to hide my smking from the kids and constantly using my laptop.....think it is time to draw a line under it. Don't think there is much more that anyone can say at this stage and I have definitely heard all spectrums of the argument. Thank you all, Dawn

' she says he had the tip of his penis inside her (hardly banging her senseless was he??)"

what difference does that make?

Dittany, again you tone is nasty and yo ae twisting things.

Where did you get that last paragraph from.

I think you must work for the gutter press.

OP, I wish you all the best. I hope you are able to ignore Dittany, there are other posters who have put across a different view without condemning your DH, but she seems unable to do so. I am not sure of her agenda, but it isn't one of helping you understand, which is of course why you came here.

I am bowing out now, as it is making me too cross to read this.
Dittany, I respectfully suggest you do the same unless you can tone down your responses to a level somewhere below utter sensationalism.

dittany, I think the OP has said that he doesn't get drunk to that extent now.

Also, if I've read it right, everyone, including the DH's husband, believed for 14 years there was no penetration, no suggestion of rape, simply some drunken fumbling. That belief is totally consistent with everyone's behaviour since, including the alleged victim's.

Perhaps there was some penetration, unknown to the DH and the OP at the time, but these revelations have only come to light within the last 2 weeks.

Yes, I'd have my doubts that he didn't remember penetrating her...

It's the classic 'admit-no-more-than-can-be-proved' chestnut. So he will admit nothing before the moment dawn's friend woke up.

want to add, if he can find his way to the toilet, surely he could find his way back to his room?

Why? Strange surroundings, too much to drink - why is it so hard to believe he was disorientated? My H got so confused once he ended up locked out of the hotel. We go away quite often and many times I've woken up to him trying to find the right door for the bathroom - sober, but half asleep.

There is nothing in either version of events that suggests that this man, pissed out of his head, got out of a bed with his sexually available girlfriend with the intention of getting into bed with this other women and sticking his penis into her.

That is the work of a very fertile imagination.

Want to add (as an HR person) if your husband's employer sacked him because they'd "heard" some rumours that he'd raped someone, your husband would have a very very strong case for unfair dismissal. So don't worry too much about that - I see you mentioned it in some of your first posts.

no dittany, that is not necessarily what he did at all. That's what she has decided to claim 14 years after the event.

I have taken the facts as they have been presented to me and I find this man's version plausible and his behaviour consistent.

You take a different slant, from the same facts, yet you talk about 'facing up to the truth'. You don't know that dittany, you are speculating.

None of us were there, we don't know him or her, so none of us can no for sure what happened.

Personally, I wouldn't presume to be judge and jury or suggest I have the wisdom to pronounce this man a rapist.

oh yes dittany! How foolish of me not to see I was projecting.... and of course almost everyone else is wrong about your manner too