life turned upside down

[dawntildusk]

I am really freaked out and need help putting this in perspective.
Here goes.
2 weeks ago a good friend of 25 years told me straight out that my dh (then boyfriend) raped her. It happened 14 years ago. She told me she has no recollection whatsoever of the night leading up to or immediately after the event. She woke up with him in the bed and he was inside her. She shouted at him and he left. Obviously I was shattered, devastated, nauseous, reeling from the shock. I sympathised with her, held her and hugged her and apologised over and over. When I confronted dh he was all the above multiplied by a million. His recollection of the event is this. We were all out drinking for the afternoon at a rugby match followed by the pub and then a club. 16 hours later we went to her house and he was helped to bed(by my brother and me). During the night he got out of our bed, he reckons to go to the bathroom, and climbed back in her bed. He remembers kissing and fondling, he does not deny he may have penetrated her but only "came too" after some kissing and they both realised what was happening at the same time. He left immediately, still really drunk and went back to bed.
I don't know what I am looking for by posting this but the word "rape" for me conjures up much different images than the one described to me. We have been married 12 years and have 4 beautiful children. My dh has been a kind, thoughtful, caring and supportive partner to me and I love him dearly. My friend is single, turning 40 this year and is blaming her recent breakdown on this event. I am so confused and need to know what you think. Is this rape?

Is this rape?

Dittany seems more of a rapist hater than a man hater, tbh.

There's nothing worse than female apologists for rape.

Dawn, trolls make stuff up to get a reaction.

I bet you wish you had made it up

dawn - I think your being very wise.

ISNT - they don't have to be behind bars for it to ruin their, and their families, lifes, adn it hasn't been unknown for it to happen.

Sugarmousepink, battykoda, He knows he was carried to bed by myself and my brother as my brother teased him about it next day. He and I were in bed and he got out of bed and somehow ended up in her bed. He assumes it was after taking a piss and went back to the wrong room. he cannot remember and is only assuming that is what happened. Yes I did ask him (1000 times) why he did not tell me about it and he just said he was mortified by it.

I was responding to your quote from that other site batty:

""Imagine what its like to have a loved one taken away for years - probably several hours travel away to visit - perhaps bringing up a family - all on the word of someone levelling the score or making a few quid."

For someone to go to prison for years for rape, well, like I say I have never heard of a judgement for a rape being reversed.

I also keep saying, that the people I know in RL who have said they have been raped, have not been believed. In RL, the men have not had their reputations ruined, rather the women have become pariahs. Reading this thread, the majority of people, presented with the same two sides to the story, are going with the mans version. That will be repeated in RL. I honestly think it is unlikely that this accusation will tarnish OPs DHs rep.

No ISNT, but I would have realised that I wasn't in a state to be clear and wouldn't regard it as rape especially if once I'd made myself clear that I was not consenting he got off me... he wouldn't have intentially wanted to rape me, just as he didn't intend to have a piss on the floor.... he was drunk and sleepwalking.

Man jailed and released after false rape claim

And what didn't she deny?

TBH it sounds a drunken mess and as if no-one present at the time is very clear about what went on.

I have no idea what the answer is. Your friend clearly needs counselling, I suspect you and your dh do as well. What a bloody mess, you poor thing.

Another article about the smae incident

Dittany, no one here seems to be disputing the version of events.

Thank you for the link.

That man was not jailed and released. He was held on remand until the court case, and the court case found him not guilty.

I am interested that people think that a woman drunk and asleep is generally understood to be consenting to sex. That is not what I would think.

I would presume that someone asleep on their own, whether drunk or otherwise, was probably not in the market for sex. and thus would not penetrate them with any body parts or objects.

If I saw a drunk man asleep, I would not don a strap on and stick it up his arse, then when he awoke, horrified, claim it was a mistake that anyone could have made.

I am basing my opinion on what both parties have said:

Friend: 'shouted at him and he left'
Man: 'both realised what was happening at the same time...left immediately'

Not a rapist IMO. If he had carried on, then he would be.

If she hadn't awoken, because she was out cold, and he had had full sex with her, fine too?

Anal sex? If she hadn't woken up? What about if he went and got his mates?

I remember a poster on here who passed out through drink, and woke up to find herself bleeding from her vagina and anus. Her DH had had a lot of fun while she was out of it. A lot of posters on that thread said the DHs behaviour was fine too, as I recall, and that she was making a fuss about nothing.

I think that some of us will simply never agree.

both realised what was happening at the same time
so, he sleepwalked into her room, proceeded to have sex with her, then they both woke up

He spent 10 weeks in prison ISNT.

I would presume that someone asleep on their own would notice amd put a stop to it before it got to penetration.

I'd say the drink is to blame for the situation. I don't think it sounds as if Dawns DP would have done it if he were sober?

motherlovebone... I'd imagine her shouting at him would have snapped him out of his drunken haze.

Fact is when she said NO, he STOPPED... why can't you aknowledge this?

'Anal sex? If she hadn't woken up? What about if he went and got his mates?'

Thats not what happened though is it??

ON REMAND batty.

I said I had never heard of a person being convicted of rape and having the conviction subsequently quashed. It may have happened, I guess, but I have never heard of it.

I have heard of women, like the one in your article, making a false accusation and going to prison for it.

The woman you linked to, to show how families are torn apart by false accusations, her husband has been sent away to prison for years. But you want to believe he was innocent, in contradiction to the findings of the police, CPS and jury? WHY?

So if a rapist stops when a woman says 'no'- even if she was not in a position to give consent when he started- he is not a rapist after all?

What the fuckity fuck?