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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

life turned upside down

632 replies

dawntildusk · 04/03/2010 22:15

I am really freaked out and need help putting this in perspective.
Here goes.
2 weeks ago a good friend of 25 years told me straight out that my dh (then boyfriend) raped her. It happened 14 years ago. She told me she has no recollection whatsoever of the night leading up to or immediately after the event. She woke up with him in the bed and he was inside her. She shouted at him and he left. Obviously I was shattered, devastated, nauseous, reeling from the shock. I sympathised with her, held her and hugged her and apologised over and over. When I confronted dh he was all the above multiplied by a million. His recollection of the event is this. We were all out drinking for the afternoon at a rugby match followed by the pub and then a club. 16 hours later we went to her house and he was helped to bed(by my brother and me). During the night he got out of our bed, he reckons to go to the bathroom, and climbed back in her bed. He remembers kissing and fondling, he does not deny he may have penetrated her but only "came too" after some kissing and they both realised what was happening at the same time. He left immediately, still really drunk and went back to bed.
I don't know what I am looking for by posting this but the word "rape" for me conjures up much different images than the one described to me. We have been married 12 years and have 4 beautiful children. My dh has been a kind, thoughtful, caring and supportive partner to me and I love him dearly. My friend is single, turning 40 this year and is blaming her recent breakdown on this event. I am so confused and need to know what you think. Is this rape?

Is this rape?

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 06/03/2010 21:42

dawn I would ask DH but the problem there is that how I tell it will colour his response.

If I say to him that there was a woman who was passed out in bed, she woke up to find someone elses husband on top of her and penetrating her, she shouted to him to leave and he did, DH would say the same as me, that is rape.

If I say to him that there was a drunk woman and a drunk man, and he got into bed with her and they started kissing and fondling, then they realised what they were doing and decided to stop and he left, DH would say what's the problem.

I don;t think you will ever be able to resolve this one way or another, with two conflicting versions of events, as you have them. At a very basic level, the woman says she was raped, the man says she wasn't, in the absence of proof, who can say?

I am sorry for all this that you are going through, really I am.

Karmann - as for "kissing went on - that is not a rapist" - I think that comment alone writes your posts off as being rubbish quite frankly.

Original poster
dawntildusk · 06/03/2010 21:45

Didn't realise prh47 was a man, will re-read his posts, thanks Karmann.

Thankyou wubbly, i will check it out. Btw have checked all the links that were suggested, thank you.

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 06/03/2010 21:45

how do you know prh47 was a man?

motherlovebone · 06/03/2010 21:46

i did discuss it last night, DP said there was
'no way' he could penetrate someone without knowing.
this morning DP told me not to bother (with this thread) and implied OP is trolling.

ImSoNotTelling · 06/03/2010 21:48

I have just read prh's posts to see if they said they were a man and they didn't.

Also realised that was the person talking a lot of rubbish about lubrication.

dittany · 06/03/2010 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nattiecake · 06/03/2010 21:50

Dawn, i am here for you and will help in any way i can if you need me to.
However i cant continue to read this thread as the "scream rape parade" (thanks karmann) are not good for my pregnant blood pressure!

So good luck, i hope you find a way of resolving this without it affecting the DCs.

ImSoNotTelling · 06/03/2010 21:51

Well daftmoo is an odd name for a site with rape content, which is why I didn't click it.

Karmann · 06/03/2010 21:52

OK ISNT accept your comment but lets not be quite so frank about it. No more than a drunken fumble. Been there myself and didn't cry rape.

Original poster
dawntildusk · 06/03/2010 21:54

Thank you Nattiecake, Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and thans so much for your time
motherlovebone, what is trolling?

OP posts:
dittany · 06/03/2010 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Karmann · 06/03/2010 21:56

Yes PRH is a man - read his previous posts. How refreshing to have a man here to give his perspective.

dittany · 06/03/2010 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImSoNotTelling · 06/03/2010 21:59

"OK ISNT accept your comment but lets not be quite so frank about it. No more than a drunken fumble. Been there myself and didn't cry rape."

But you don't know that was what happened, do you. You are assuming that the man's version of events is the correct one. Others are assuming that the woman's version of events is the correct one.

I find anyone on this thread who is saying it definitely must have been one thing or another a bit odd TBH.

I know which version I feel more inclined to believe - but that is just my opinion. I cant' say definitively that my opinion is the correct one, I wasn't there.

How you you know phthingy was a man?

SugarMousePink · 06/03/2010 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BattyKoda · 06/03/2010 21:59

Dittany - I think accusations of rape (if you are/your DP is innoccent) is an horrific ordeal to go though. As is being a victim.

As one poster on the link you posted says:

"Imagine what its like to have a loved one taken away for years - probably several hours travel away to visit - perhaps bringing up a family - all on the word of someone levelling the score or making a few quid.

Imagine sitting for months beleiving in the justice system, that by telling the truth you won't be sent to prison, have details of lies spread in the paper, your family being villified or losing them altogether.

Imagine having to live your life full of fear that someone will believe the label that pinned to you, they will then attack you or your family (if you still have one after all this)."

wubblybubbly · 06/03/2010 22:00

Dittany, you've found one poster who said that and that one poster represents 'rape victims'?

There are posts/threads on the site supporting victims and others supporting those falsely accused, that seems fairly balanced to me.

I've never personally been raped or falsely accused, but I know people who have and I have found that having been raped doesn't automatically exclude a women feeling sympathy for someone who has been falsely accused.

ImSoNotTelling · 06/03/2010 22:00

Um yes what dittany said re that rubbish about lubrication. Why is it refreshing to hear bizarre views from a man about how he thinks lubrication works?

I would hazard that he hasn't had much experience with actual real life women, to have formed these odd views.

wubblybubbly · 06/03/2010 22:03

ISNT the 'moo' refers to the bovine variety, nothing sinister.

BattyKoda · 06/03/2010 22:03

OP - I also wondered the same as sugarmousepink.

As it happens... I have someone naked get into bed with me, right after he took a piss on the floor. He was drunk and sleepwalking. I wasn't drunk so was more aware and got out of bed and onto the sofa. I could see how, if I were drunk and in a deeper sleep I wouldn't have realised what was happening straight away, and perhaps in a dream state would have let it happen.

Really awful situation for you OP, but you sould very balanced and sensible so hope you will all (friend included) get through this

Original poster
dawntildusk · 06/03/2010 22:04

I am not setting out to consult a solicitor in order to proceed with legal action, but to arm myself against any action that she may take in the future. I may not be arcticulating it correctly but have no desire to see anybody having to go to court. Regarding whether or not in the future my dh job is threatened because of her telling everybody then maybe we would need to look at a way of stopping her discussing things, using his name. As I asked before, what would you do if you were inmy position?

OP posts:
ImSoNotTelling · 06/03/2010 22:05

While I can imagine that there are false reports of rape, I find it harder to believe that there are lots of men behind bars because of them.

Rape convictions are notoriously difficult to get, and the ones that are secured are, I imagine pretty watertight.

I have heard of women being prosecuted for falsely reporting rapes.

But I have never heard of a man being released from prison after finding a rape conviction unsafe.

I feel sorry for the woman who has her husband in prison but really, really, how likely is it that he is innocent?

dittany · 06/03/2010 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Karmann · 06/03/2010 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ImSoNotTelling · 06/03/2010 22:07

"As it happens... I have someone naked get into bed with me, right after he took a piss on the floor. He was drunk and sleepwalking. I wasn't drunk so was more aware and got out of bed and onto the sofa. I could see how, if I were drunk and in a deeper sleep I wouldn't have realised what was happening straight away, and perhaps in a dream state would have let it happen."

And if when you had come round you had found this man fucking you? That would be OK?

I just can't understand that, I'm sorry I just can't.