Narcissitic Personality Disorder (Part 2)

[Gettingagrip]

Starting another thread for us survivors.

I came across this tread a couple of weeks ago,though have seen it before didnt think it would apply to me, didnt even know what narcissitic was, i have posted earlier about my situation.

I am still in shock after reading this tread as it seems like what has been described is my H, who seems like angel to other but is turning my world upside down.

From the start he has been reserved, and the fact he is good looking as most people let him know that and that adds to his ego. Generally i will list down why i think he has this disorder

• He is never emotionally engaged, nothing phases him.

-he hates taking responsiblity and make me take all the decision while saying i am good at making decision.

-he wants to be extremely rich and blames me and our son for him not achiving that but when asked how he wants to be successful in life when he doesnt make effort, he just say something will come up.

-in his world there is no more important person than him

-never says bad word(except recently) but manipulates me into an argument and make me lose my temper

-knows what my insecurities are and he makes sure he does things that would upset me

-he copies me for instant if i ask him pls make sure you dont live your clothes everywhere, if by any chance i leave one cloth and that is until i go and get something he takes that chance to say , pls dont leave it lying there when fully he knows its just for few sec.

There is so much , but i am in a kind of hurry now to gather my thoughts but just wanted to say thank you for this tread it has helped me open up my eyes.

BA I've been thinking about the way your H doesn't ever call you by your name. I think it's a very significant fact. A name is like a fingerprint, it's yours, it's your identity. If your H was willing to use your name, he would also have to concede that you are an individual, three-dimensional Other Person. Without a name, you are like a body part of his, or a stock character who inhabits his world, like an imaginary friend or some sort of shadow. It's easy to be nasty to someone who is nameless it dehumanises you when he doesn't use your name.

My ex took to using my maiden name for correspondence after we divorced, despite the fact that I haven't changed from my current legal (married) name. I have reason to believe he told the DCs that I was no longer Mommy (Same Name As Them) the subject of my name came up one time after a weekend visit to him. He even wrote out one maintenance cheque to me using my maiden name; I pointed out to him in writing that the bank will only cash cheques made out to my legal name. Postal correspondence that he has sent to me has had my maiden name on it. I am tempted to send it back marked Return To Sender, addressee unknown, next time it happens. In his mind, I believe this is some sort of casting off or rejection of unworthy me I have been de-wifed in his mind, stripped of that identity; and it is also a way, I suspect, of laying a stronger claim of relationship to the DCs, who have his surname.

TRM, there's no quid pro quo involved with visitation and maintenance or child support. He can't lower his financial obligation if his access is reduced. You could reasonably cut him down to every other weekend. I would make plans to move back, armed with his letter. The idea that he can renegotiate money based on access or where you live or how much it would cost him to get to see the DCs is all in his head. If you think you would be supported practically and emotionally, and feel more at home with familiar accents and mores and culture, I would do it.

wow TRM That is a turn up for the books, receiving permission to return to the UK! and when you hadn't even asked! It's quite chilling to think that he's already planning something, and that in order for that plan to come to gether he has weighed up the various pros of not having you and the children around, and decided that on balance it would be better to not have his children around... WOW. even as another npd survivor

Still though, now you have that bit of paper, put it in a vault at the bank!! DOes your ex know that Britain and Ireland have something called a reciprocal enforcement of maintenance orders ACT. Known as a REMO?! I don't think it would be easy, but it wouldn't be impossible to get maintenance from him even if you lived in the UK.

Wrt The God of MONEY. My x worshipped at that altar too. That was the reason he wouldn't get married (pathetically I am ashamed to admit there was a time I wanted to get married). He was so busy protecting his assets. He wanted to know that if we split I wouldn't get 'half of his house'.

TRM after my x's ranting and raging about missing the children, I think he is ok with things now. He gets to see them whenever he wants (he has loads of money and doesn't give us any maintenance) so I think he now realises that things aren't so bad for him. He gets to spend all his money on himself. I still worry when he's over. He's coming on saturday but I'm not going to pull out my eyebrows this time.

I know it's a big thing to think about, relocating, but you have that OPTION now. If he's a wanker and sets out to 'destroy you' at least you can move to England.

On the subject of destroying somebody, that is very easy when you live with somebody or they can come and go inside your home, but when they can't come in to your house, and you don't work with them, then what they can legally do to destroy you is limited.

I'm going to have a glass of wine this evening and drink to that permission that he has given you!! slainte.

Another similarity. My H never uses my name either.

BA thank you for that information re my ex's 'permission to leave' letter. I am pretty sure he will want me to sign something agreeing to reduce the maintanence before I left the country. I will have to seek legal advice as money will be his motivation here and he is likely to put up a fight if I decide to leave without reducing the money.

My mum rang me this afternoon to tell me she had received a copy of this letter.
This confirms my suspisions that he is hatching a plan as he would never usually contact my family. I suspect he is relying on the fact that he knows my mum wants me home and she will therefore encourage me to return, based on his letter.

It's just eye opening isn't it? When you figure out what this disorder is all about and can start seeing the truth behind their words and actions. A year ago I would not have doubted his seemingly selfless suggestion that I move back home, for my 'health and happiness'. Now I can read the true meaning behind it and it fits! It all ties in with his previous behaviours, his carefully worded suggestions, his 'innocent' coersing and nudging me into doing something that he wanted. All of it to meet his needs - to get what he wants. Mind boggling.

Sweetexpectation welcome to our world. Start googling the NPD sites. Continue posting on here. You will learn through the experiences of others from this thread, find similar stories and ways to arm yourself for the future. Good luck.

They show their true colours eventually, don't they TRM. And isn't it great to be able to read between the lines and identify the agenda behind the sweet talk. He may have even found someone else, and needs more cash to throw around to impress her. Maybe he has realised how uncool he is in the eyes of suitable female victims to be living in his mammy's house. Why not get you neatly out of the way and reduce the payments? Two birds with the one stone! To heck with the DCs!

sweetexpectation oh so very true!!!: he copies me

Yes.
I don't know why they do this but they dio.

My exH copied me relentlessly - be it illness success or body language/attitude/beliefs.

He piously 'converted to Catholicism' and we had a catholic wedding...

but now he is in bangland he prays to budda .

He always had to go one further of course in the copying stakes. Like a ten year old.

God I am so lucky to be free of the twunt.

Mine wanted to convert to Judaism after we went to a Bar Mitzvah once. He was completely serious. I think he fancied the father of the young man.

TRM, he sent a copy of the letter to your Mum?! my goodness he's a devious and officious little .........

In the 9 months since you first posted, it's gone from 'no way are we splitting up, that's MY decision'. To 'hmmm I need you all out of the way to hatch my next plan'.

Out of sight, out of mind, is actually the best possible scenario for you, though, TRM.

UA from Catholic to Bhuddhist? Snap!

Yes Maggie, I still have the quotation (on record with the Guards) "If you take my children away from me, you f*ing c**t, I will bury you, I will put you in the ground"

Oh the passion for his dc eh?
What happened to it??

Actually I think exh may be NPD after all.

"If you introduce my dc to another man, not everyone will get out alive!" and "if you try to stop me seeing my kids I will slit your throat!"

Money also means everything to him. Any physical altercations have always stemmed from me refusing to lend him money. He admitted we were screwing our dc up by living together but still thinks he should stay because he "shouldn't have to be paying rent to some f*cking, greedy, landlord". He is personally affronted when he hears of people he knows having money, can't stand it and rants on about how they don't know what they are doing with it and he would be able to make so much more use of it than they can.

Also relate to the total back tracking after they have analysed what they will get out of a situation Eg he said he would report me and my family to SS if I ever tried to move near them, now he is urging me to move closer so that he can move back into our HA flat.

Fairy your dc are his posessions, at his disposal (as in my case, so it seems) and you do not have any real control as to their lives.

Threatened with SS? Yes, I've had that too. It is the greatest weapon to use against a mother, threaten to report her with the implication that she may be jepodising her right to parent her dc.

They hit where they know it will hurt but don't do it in a scream-fest fashion that would suggest they are hurting or just lashing out. It is said in a menacingly calm and controlled way. It tells you they have premeditated and planned its deliverence for its full impact - to hit you where it hurts. It is devious in the extreme.

The religion hang-up is hilarious really.

If I had been a one-legged loaded trappist nun with facist tendencies he might have been a bit bioggled for ten seconds.

But if he thought it was worth it for him he would have feigned amputation, started swooning over Hitler's diaries and converted to trappism (yes that's right he wouldn't have known what he was signing up to either and nor would he have given a fig )

And if I had been vegan he would probably have given up eating meat like a pig.

maybe if I had been genuinely unable to fart due to some medical condition he would have made a serious effort not to fart like a giant on beans?

My x had a hang up of sorts about his own race. His mum was muslim and from a north african country, but he never admitted that, when I first met him he told me he was south american. Then he said greek. eventually i figured out he was mixed race when I saw his mother, but I think he believes he is greek. He looks it and he likes that. He encouraged others to believe he was greek. he learnt a bit of greek to back up his story. So is that racism against himself? Why bother in this day and age? I knew without it ever being spelled out to me that I should never mention his mum was born a muslim!!!!!

dignified, I've been going through a bit of a "Do I have a PD?" identity crisis lately. I mentioned it to my therapist this week, but then found I wasn't all that bothered about exploring it. Thing is, I know some of my behaviours are strange and I do suffer from an unusual amount of inner conflict. But I don't know how much of this is a result of having lived around disordered people all my life - or whether I'm stuck with it!

I told her I can only think of a few times when I've used other people (I'm only human, after all) but I'm aware that's not exactly an essential criterion. I might have one of the passive/submissive disorders.

I'm quite glad I mentioned it (she wrote a note) because I hope to find - with the work we're doing - that my 'symptoms' will diminish. But, if they don't, that will mean this therapy has failed and it will then be time to look into the possibility of an underlying disorder.

It's all a bit strange. Reading Sam Vaknin's diaries, for example, I find it really easy to identify with his feelings. It's probably because of having had to understand my Dad. Since I basically had to grow up with my parents' disordered world-view, I would definitely say I thought like a disordered personality. Maybe I'm feeling more inner conflict these days, because I'm learning different (healthier) ways of thinking?!

Time will tell, I guess. I just wanted to let you know I feel a bit confused about it, too!

My H never used my name, he used a nickname occasionally, but I have been trying to remember the last time I heard it. Can't.

He also has a massive problem with where he comes from.

He also has a massive problem with food. My shopping bills have literally halved in the month that he has been gone. For someone that made starving themselves such an issue, someone somewhere was eating an awful lot of food.

I have put this on my other thread.

Me and DD did a chalk picture of the three of us on the chalk board yesterday.

He has been in the house today while I was out on the school run, and apart from taking the laptop....(again)....I found my face obliterated on the chalk picture. Hard scribbles.

Would you be a bit scared?

Its sad there is so many of us that fall for the charm of this kind of men.But then again when i think back to how things were between me and H at the beginning, it doesnt surprise me.

I hate the facts he lies about things he doesnt need to lie about,but when he lies about serious stuff, he lies flat out that i cant even argue as i have no proof.

Recently my H wants to separate, then he says he doesnt, he knows that with no family and baby i am trapped so now more than ever he feels i cant breath without him so he talks to me when he wants ,and he wont when he doesnt.

Last week he said to me he is waiting until he sorts out somethings then he will leave, i know he wants to leave but he wants me to be the one to make the last decision.He is a coward.

Anyways recently i have started to emotionally detach myself which is helping and reading your experiences also helps.

Forthebestagain -- You are being stalked. Go to the police and see what you can get in the way of a protection order.

You don't owe him any excuses or explanations. Women's Aid could help you a lot. Please give them a call.

I probably made that sound worse then it is. He phoned me becuase he thought I would have picked the kids up. Then when I expained I was still on my way there cos of the shopping, he questions that bit. He doesnt really think I go shopping, he thinks I am that stunning I am shagging the whole town or something !!!
I am making the situation worse though, thats the bit I need help with.
He has said he will go away and leave me alone and I will never hear from him again etc etc. He follows this with " are you sure thats what you want cos you will never see me again and there are no second chances etc " and he tells me what could happen and plays on the happy family bit. Iget all confused and panicky and end up saying " well maybe we could work it out, just give me some space etc and he hangs on for a bit longer. He offers to give me lifts, take me shopping etc and I know he will be annoyed if I say no, so I accept and its so awkward but again he's still hanging on and I am giving him false hope. I am such a mess I know.

Oh dear Forthebest - don't fall into the classic trap of believing it is your fault and that it's not really all that bad.
You are being stalked. I have seen this happen - it's typical.
It may well degenerate into him having "crises" that only you can sort out and so on - it's a way of holding on to you by hook or by crook.
I think you could do with speaking to someone at Women's Aid - its doesnt have to be all about violence for them to help. YOu need a clean break.

It's wonderful to hear from you, FTB, and I'm glad you're reading these threads - and recognising your TOSSER in our posts!!

I really understand how hard it feels to change things. After having your thoughts & feelings controlled for so long, it can seem almost frightening to be free. You will get there. You do deserve help to do this.

Please ring Women's Aid just to talk with someone who's seen it all ... and do, please, get yourself some counselling. What these people do to our minds is like torture (literally - they use the same methods.) Recovering from it is a serious matter.

Do everything you can to cut him off! Get another mobile, like TRM did, only for childcare calls. Change your locks. Stop replying to him.

You can do it