Another woman fancies my fiancé

[Robsia]

The week before my fiancé G met me (15 months ago, to put the time frame on it) he had a date with a girl called T who he met off the same dating site he met me.

He went back to her house afterwards and, to put it bluntly, she gave him oral sex.

Anyway, she was very taken with him (even talked marriage on the first date!) but he was less taken with her - found her tedious and boring in fact. When he met me, he never looked back. He gave her the excuse that he wasn't over his wife leaving him and was not ready for a relationship.

Since their first date, she has been ringing him daily at first, although it dropped to weekly after a while and is about monthly now. Most of the time he doesn't take the calls but occasionally talks to her out of 'politeness'. She still thinks there could be something there when he is over his break-up and the poor girl has no idea he is engaged to me!

This weekend we were at his house and he had gone out for a short while. The house phone rang and I answered it and it was a woman:

Her: Oh, I think I've got the wrong number.
Me: Are you after G**?
Her: Um yes.
Me: Oh he's just popped out for a bit.
Her. Oh. Er, I'll try again later then.
Me: Who shall I say called?
Her: Tell him it was T**.

I told him when he got home and he showed me a text she had sent him saying that she had rung the home phone and "someone" had answered and she hoped she hadn't got him into trouble.

Now - I have absolutely no doubt that he is doing NOTHING with this girl - I think she is the wronged (although a touch obsessive) party in all this by holding a candle for him all this time and he hasn't let her down gently.

Now that I have her phone number, I am tempted to call her and explain the situation as ask very nicely if she wouldn't mind not ringing my fiancé again.

What do you think?

"He should have told her and he should not be having any conversations with her."

Completely agree, and have been saying this from the beginning.

"And maybe you should examine why you didn't just tell her when you had the chance."

TBH I really don't know. I don't do well with confrontations IRL - if any of you were saying this to me to my face I would probably just go quiet and not say anything. I kind of regret not saying anything, but I didn't and there it is.

Also that's probably why it has taken me this long to finally insist that he do it, or I will.

I do appreciate that most people are now saying that he 'probably' isn't cheating.

I know it doesn't look great on paper, but I am marrying him and I have chosen to trust him.

Without trust, there IS no relationship. There are all sorts of circumstances that can be completely innocent and that can be twisted and interpreted to look very bad, and this is when misunderstandings happen - when in actual fact the person involved has done nothing wrong but the partner has chosen to believe the worst, because there is no trust in the relationship - and that is very sad.

I have no niggling doubts at all about this - I just want him to tell her and for her to stop ringing him - full stop.

Fair enough.

But you need to talk to him and explain that trust does not mean blindly accepting each others version of events.
Trust places a requirement upon both of you to behave in a way which is respectful and honourable - it isn't just 'not lying' or not cheating. It is behaving with integrity.

Part of my trust of my husband is that he would never place me in the position of speaking with a woman who was left unclear about my 'status'.

Does that make sense?

what pag said

Seems strange hope it works out for you.

Ok I don't get it.

Does this woman actually think that after a year and a half (and your DP remooving his profile from the dating site you met on) that he is still single?

On what planet is it 'confrontation' to say 'Oh hi, how are you doing, yeah I'm great, seeing a nice girl' etc?

Does he actually let her think he is single in order to avoid 'confrontation'?

It's hardly a confrontation telling somebody that you're now in a relationship. I'd have thought anybody using a dating site has got used to telling people that.

has he removed his profile, btw ?

Yes - we both removed our profiles at the same time a couple of weeks after we met.

MorrisZapp - I guess she does, yes - but hopefully not for much longer, and especially after I answered the phone the other night!

Men tend to go down the "if I ignore it it'll go away" route. Most times it does, which is why women tend to be victim to the "just stopping calling" style of dumping, which is despicable of course and completely the coward's way out. But this one just hasn't gone away.

Although he DID actually break it off with her, he didn't just stop calling her! But it STILL didn't put her off.

I had dates with plenty of guys before I met him, and yes I had to do the "sorry, I don't think it's going to work out" speech. Yes, it's not pleasant but at least my rejects all took the hint.

Anyway, he was working late last night and should be up by now - hopefully by the time we talk tonight he will have made the call, if not I will be having words!

No men that I know pretend not to have a girlfriend in order to appease somebody they think is tedious and who gave them a BJ a year and a half ago.

AnyFucker: what I was pointing out is that his story doesn't add up and that she shouldn't really trust so completely someone she met on a dating site a few months ago, with a dodgy story and who appears to have a rather unpleasant opinion of women

Fair enough. I was just concerned that it was all going down one particular pan. With Robsia getting defensive, it seemed unhelpful that many people seemed to be talking about certainties.

Very fair to ask questions, not so fair to anticipate answers. That's not a comment to you particularly, just a general one.

fair enough, wv

however, I think the reason it was all going down a particular route though, is because it is fishy

but no, definitely no certainties

however, I don't like any of the other explanations either vis-a-vis a previous post of mine on this thread

but hey-ho, that is my take on the situation...someone else's is likely to be completely different

"Firstly groundhog - you have it absolutely spot on!! I assume you are a man!"

Ahem... Clears throat, Excuuuuse ME! How VERY dare you!!

Men tend to go down the "if I ignore it it'll go away" route. Most times it does, which is why women tend to be victim to the "just stopping calling" style of dumping, which is despicable of course and completely the coward's way out. But this one just hasn't gone away. Bang on Robsia, you know the score...

NO, I am NOT a man.... hoists up brastraps... like I said, I've got experience in this, clingus latinamericanus the widely known parasite, the latin american ex-gf....

She now knows we are together the last 9 years, now she knows we have a dc together etc, but she still keeps on.

She even got a job in the US when it was mentioned that we might be moving there. When she found out we weren't, she jacked in the job with about a week to spare before her start date.

DH has answered 1 call out of about 100. In the past he DID speak to her, when she rang, but after the job thing, I put him utterly damned straight about her psychotic behaviour.

The last couple of calls that he has answered, he was even pretty blunt with her, but she still doesn't get it. I've had my times of ranting at him to just ffing tell her to find her own man, and some dignity, but he won't cos he feels 'sorry for her'

They were together a very short time in real terms, they knew each other 9m, but were separated pretty drastically for 6m, she then saw him for a few days before high-tailing it back to her country as a result of her traumatic experience.

A month or so later, he met me and we got together in a much more serious relationship. Initially he didn't tell her cos it was so soon, and he didn't want to hurt her feelings. We moved in together. She then got leukaemia, She did call me at home once by mistake... so kind of knew between the lines that we were together, but somehow refused to accept it...

Then there was the bone marrow transplant and the fact that she would never be able to have a family of her own...

Infuriating for me at the time, and I have torn my fair share of my won hair out and yelled at him for betraying me, but I do kind of get it and it's not like she's around the corner.... She's in bloody Colombia, so no threat to me whatsoever.

When I heard about the job in the US, that's when I knew she was unhinged (Bit slow me.. or being generous with the benefit of the doubt..) He has since told her in no unclear terms that he was with me, that we had a son, and that her coming to visit him was not ever going to happen.

Thought that would be it.... Since DH has come back here to the UK at Christmas, she has called and called and called. He answered last week to tell her that he couldn't talk and would call her back. she yelled at him that if he didn't, that would be it, she would never call him again....

She rang another 15 or 20 times, again at all hours of day and night, but no calls for the last few days....

Men in general rarely tell women or anyone for that matter to bugger off and leave them alone, they do just 'drop' them. Men or women. DH is not English originally, and where he comes from, they do not speak directly, they talk around and around the garden and imply what they mean.... So he's not going to say Piss off, and much less to an ex-gf....

Think he's waking up to the idea that she is unhinged now though... Finally I am winning!!

i hope no further calls from her after that, robsia?
hopefully she's put two and two together by now!

When you finished speaking to the woman you said she later sent your fiance a text saying 'hope I havent got you into trouble' which implies that she is fully aware of you.

Sorry groudhogs for assuming you were a man - when I read your post I actually thought you were my h2b, posting under a different guise, but when I searched, I realised you had bene here a while so you weren't him!!

That is so scary about your cling-on!! His isn't anywhere near as bunny-boiling as that!

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"i hope no further calls from her after that, robsia?
hopefully she's put two and two together by now! "

Not yet.

But every time she hasn't called for a month or so he thinks she's finally got the hint but then she rings again!!

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"When you finished speaking to the woman you said she later sent your fiance a text saying 'hope I havent got you into trouble' which implies that she is fully aware of you. "

All it implies was that she had subsequently thought about the implications of a woman answering the phone of a man she thought was single and perhaps finally figured out that perhaps he wasn't single. And then thought that I might have wondered why another woman was ringing up and asking for him, not realising that I was fully aware of who she was and why she was ringing.

No trifle, it only means she was fishing to see if she had a rival..... he was (in her little head) supposed to say, oh no her? that was my sister, mum, cleaner, cousin.... he bottled it and didn't reply out of fear induced paralysis....

Meant to say that I don't think Ego IS an excuse for men to behave so abominally, not at all. I'm the first to spit venom at that subspecies. I was just pointing out that it's their pathological (or was that pathetic) avoidance of conflict, especially with people, women especially, pandering to them.

I know it's as infuriating as hell, but it doesn't mean that we should just rant and not try to understand the mechanics as to why they are so in explicably idiotic when it comes to telling others about borders and when to stop crossing them.

Fundamentally agree that men have to be responsible for their own behaviour and are more than able to tell incoming females to back off.... I was merely explaining why many of them find it hard, it's ego teamed with low self esteem.

"When you finished speaking to the woman you said she later sent your fiance a text saying 'hope I havent got you into trouble' which implies that she is fully aware of you."

Not necessarily Trifle she may have just been looking for reassurance that Robsia was only the cleaner or some such or sub-consciously hoping that they are sharing a secret together.

Lol at Groundhogs - that all sounds very familiar to me too. DH's ex gf (also thankfully on another continent) would MSN him or email him 9/10 times a day with increasingly annoyed messages to call her back ending with "you loser, I'm giving up on you for good this time" when he ignored her. Unfortunately a week or two later there would be a "hi just thought I'd see how you're doing" email. Grrrr. He believed her when she said she would never be in touch again and was when she reappeared and so just didn't deal with her properly. He said there was no need to tell her about me as they had split up long before he met me so I was not a factor in them breaking up and it would just hurt her and humiliate her to have him point out that he was with someone else. Eventually however I insisted that he tell her or I would bloody email her a copy of the wedding photos. If nothing else she needed to get on with her life. In the end - he practically had his mommy do it for him hmm]. Yes dear reader, I married him

Yeah Robsia, when was the last time she made contact?

Can you sit down with DP and ask him if he wants YOU to answer the next times she rings... DH has asked me to do that with other hangers on... Usually, your average woman will get the hint, those that ring back even the second time are going to stick around for a while.... Otherwise you need to have the convo that goes along the lines of 'Are we seriously involved or not? Are we engaged or not? 'If you want us to get married, sorry but you ARE going to have to be blunt.'

Like I said, talk to him sooner rather than later and get him to tell her the next time she rings. Offer to role play????

I know this sounds like hand holding a twunt, I've been there, it IS and these men ARE twats, but if you teach him how to step up and stand up now.... you won't have to put up with it for as long as I did....

Hoping you can rid yourself of this pest....

thinking of you and hoping it all goes well.

LOL Aussieng @ "yes dear reader I married him"

Men may have their flaws - they may be insecure and ignore problems and sometimes can be a bit of an arse and jealous and all that, but we love 'em!

My fiancé is 95% wonderful and 5% idiot! I can live with that.

Groundhogs - the last time was when I answered the phone to her and the subsequent text - think it was Friday.

I have said that he is to tell her and if she rings back again after that, I will answer the phone and she can hear it from me.

The person who said he is putting her feelings in front of mine is right, although it's not conscious and if I pointed it out to him I think he would be mortified to think that he was doing that. I haven't made enough of a fuss about it and really made him see how much it bothers me, I have just gone along with it.

Aussieng, What can we do with these men? I do understand it somehow, but it sure irritates the crap out of me that they just don't deal with it. But IME men don't deal with stuff like that... grr!

I threatened countless times to email her pics of our DC, but one thought I didn't want to involve my boy and 2, it would have been rubbing her nose in it.

In the end she knew the score, years and years ago, but refused to accept it, knew we were living together, knew I'd moved to his country with him... though he told her to begin with that I was there on holiday... He DID tell her in the end, [I left no visible marks on his arse]

THAT'S why I say it's EGO, wanting them to hang on, cos it makes them feel popular, so they are reluctanct to give up that adoration....

"you might want to think on that...what possible reason would all these strangers have to rain on your parade ?"

How about this? The posting population is not representative of women as a whole, but skewed towards women who have been recently shat on or let down by men perhaps, and therefore less likely to belive that another woman is a stalking nutter, or that a guy is nice, but misguided.

Whizzy, how's it going with Duncan?

That's true - my sister had a hellish marriage and it has left her very mistrusting. My fiancé and I sometimes argue - it happens. But if I dare to mention anything even vaguely negative about him, she hits the roof and tells me I'm a fool to trust him and puts the worst possible interpretation on his actions.

Whereas my best friend is always much more supportive than destructive and trusts in my instincts.

it is about 25 years since I was last shat on by a man, FWIW

oooh kayyy

""The posting population is not representative of women as a whole, but skewed towards women who have been recently shat on or let down by men perhaps, and therefore less likely to belive that another woman is a stalking nutter, or that a guy is nice, but misguided"

Well I am happily - very very happily - married for 20 years with gorgeous attentive husband who has never even given me pause for thought. And who would not put his ego in front of me.

And who also I think would be pretty annoyed at the "aww bless, little men with their diddly dumdy egos just not really thinking it through- poor little dimwits" suggestions.