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Original poster

Another woman fancies my fiancé

393 replies

Robsia · 28/02/2010 21:12

The week before my fiancé G met me (15 months ago, to put the time frame on it) he had a date with a girl called T who he met off the same dating site he met me.

He went back to her house afterwards and, to put it bluntly, she gave him oral sex.

Anyway, she was very taken with him (even talked marriage on the first date!) but he was less taken with her - found her tedious and boring in fact. When he met me, he never looked back. He gave her the excuse that he wasn't over his wife leaving him and was not ready for a relationship.

Since their first date, she has been ringing him daily at first, although it dropped to weekly after a while and is about monthly now. Most of the time he doesn't take the calls but occasionally talks to her out of 'politeness'. She still thinks there could be something there when he is over his break-up and the poor girl has no idea he is engaged to me!

This weekend we were at his house and he had gone out for a short while. The house phone rang and I answered it and it was a woman:

Her: Oh, I think I've got the wrong number.
Me: Are you after G**?
Her: Um yes.
Me: Oh he's just popped out for a bit.
Her. Oh. Er, I'll try again later then.
Me: Who shall I say called?
Her: Tell him it was T**.

I told him when he got home and he showed me a text she had sent him saying that she had rung the home phone and "someone" had answered and she hoped she hadn't got him into trouble.

Now - I have absolutely no doubt that he is doing NOTHING with this girl - I think she is the wronged (although a touch obsessive) party in all this by holding a candle for him all this time and he hasn't let her down gently.

Now that I have her phone number, I am tempted to call her and explain the situation as ask very nicely if she wouldn't mind not ringing my fiancé again.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Robsia · 28/02/2010 22:24

Karmann - this is definitely for real!!! I wish it weren't.

OP posts:
moondog · 28/02/2010 22:24

He sounds like a loser from the off.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2010 22:24

well done rob

now make sure he follows through

displayuntilbestbefore · 28/02/2010 22:30

You say you have been together 15months,just wondering, how long have you been engaged, Robsia?

Original poster
Robsia · 28/02/2010 22:36

Nearly 6 months. Why?

OP posts:
displayuntilbestbefore · 28/02/2010 22:40

Just wondered how long you had been waiting for your fiance to tell her if everyone knows you're engaged but she doesn't.
Sorry if you thought I was asking for any strange reason

Glad you have told him how you feel. Hope he calls her and sorts it out once and for all so she clearly gets the message.

said · 28/02/2010 22:46

Why hasn't he blocked her number from his phone? Assume you can do this?

WingedVictory · 28/02/2010 22:53

It sounds as thought he is stringing her along, emotionally if not in other ways. Even if it's because he doesn't want to feel a bad guy for provoking another bout of hysterics, it doesn't reflect well on him.

She's really going to have hysterics once he tells her how far it's got with you, and this time, he will deserve them!

Sorry, but he has been weak on this, and has to take this medicine. Hopefully, it will help him confront problems earlier in the future, so your married life doesn't end up a round of hidden resentments and scared secrets!

Whizzywigg · 28/02/2010 22:53

Alls well that ends well then.....

Original poster
Robsia · 28/02/2010 22:59

Said - I didn't know you could block numbers from a phone . . .

OP posts:
displayuntilbestbefore · 28/02/2010 23:06

"Most of the time he doesn't take the calls but occasionally talks to her out of 'politeness'."

As long as he speaks to her, even if it's only occasionally, she's going to think there's a chance that she might yet get the guy so if he's really not interested he probably needs to be more of a man about it and be blunt and then block her number so she gets a clear message.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/02/2010 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

said · 28/02/2010 23:09

He needs to tell her. He's either seeing her or making a fool of her. Either of which are not nice. Even if she is "unhinged" in some way, he has to be cruel to be kind here.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/02/2010 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MiniMousse · 28/02/2010 23:20

I have been in a very similar situation. It did not turn out well for me.
In my experience, if a man is saying he is committed to YOU but is keeping in touch with an 'ex' in this way, with lies and subterfuge involved - (ie he is not telling her you are engaged!!! why not?) - then chances are he is shagging her. There is no reason for them to be in touch, it was ONE date over a year ago... or so he says. At the very least he is keeping her 'ticking over' for text sex.
I trusted 100% too. I was very very wrong to trust!!

DuelingFanjo · 28/02/2010 23:21

Obviously he needs to tell her but it looks like he's not going to bother so imo you should tell her but tell him you are going to tell her.

displayuntilbestbefore · 28/02/2010 23:23

When's the wedding planned? Can you stall it until you know for certain that this woman isn't going to turn up and play a starring role when they ask if anyone knows of any reason why you can't be married?

Sounds harsh but is there any chance that if he's telling her he's still getting over the break up with his wife when in fact he's engaged to you that he might also be spinning you a yarn about where this woman fits into things?
He doesn't sound the most transparent of men.

Original poster
Robsia · 28/02/2010 23:30

He is not keeping in touch with her. She is phoning him and 9 times out of 10, he is ignoring it.

He is going to phone her and tell her.

He told her he was not over the break up with his ex-wife BEFORE he even met me, not while we were engaged. It was an easy way out and not really a lie - he was not over it, even when I met him. I was worried for a long while that I was his rebound, but now we are very secure and solid in our relationship. I trust him 100%.

And, please, RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion, have you never had a date with someone you subsequently found boring and tedious? Come on! I know I have. Perhaps he shouldn't have taken up the offer of the BJ after their date, but, realistically, how many single men wouldn't if it was offered? He wouldn't even have told me about it except I was being insistent and wanted to know all the gory details about this date with this woman and he just blurted it out.

Is it not just remotely possible that he might be a) telling the truth and b) actually be a nice person who doesn't want to unnecessarily hurt the woman?

Yes, he knows he needs to tell her. He says he will. I believe him. Currently he is at work and he is busy. If he doesn't then we need to have another conversation.

And no, we are not postponing the wedding.

OP posts:
maristella · 28/02/2010 23:31

also why would anyone give their landline number to a random fling, who was tedious and is unhinged?
and why would anyone have phone conversations out of 'politeness' with this random, unhinged fling?

Original poster
Robsia · 28/02/2010 23:36

They met on a dating site and I think they had a couple of phone conversations prior to their first date so he didn't know she was tedious and unhinged. Personally I never gave my phone number out to anyone until I was pretty sure I wanted to see them again. He didn't even have MSN when we started chatting, he downloaded it for me as I preferred to use that instead of the phone.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/02/2010 23:38

did you meet him on a dating site ?

Original poster
Robsia · 28/02/2010 23:41

Yes.

OP posts:
said · 28/02/2010 23:42

If she is "unhinged" (jury out) then he has to nip this in the bud. And he should have done this a long, long time ago. I've been the recipient of these types of calls and it is difficult. You are being put in a position where you have to be nasty or straight with someone. But he does and he should have done it a long, long time ago. And that's giving him the benefit of the doubt here

displayuntilbestbefore · 28/02/2010 23:42

have to agree with maristella - if you had a one off BJ from a girl you thought was tedious then why would you be so worried about hurting her feelings by being honest?
He should have thought about hurting her feelings before accepting the oral sex without considering that she might take this as a sign that there was something between them to pursue.

Reality is right with the red flags...meeting someone who was still not over a marriage break up would have been a big red flag to a lot of people, let alone the rest of it.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2010 23:47

dating site

very quick romance and engagement

"unhinged" ex

secrecy and lies

oooh so many red flags

I wonder if the "unhinged" ex thinks she is engaged to this player too ?