Another woman fancies my fiancé

[Robsia]

The week before my fiancé G met me (15 months ago, to put the time frame on it) he had a date with a girl called T who he met off the same dating site he met me.

He went back to her house afterwards and, to put it bluntly, she gave him oral sex.

Anyway, she was very taken with him (even talked marriage on the first date!) but he was less taken with her - found her tedious and boring in fact. When he met me, he never looked back. He gave her the excuse that he wasn't over his wife leaving him and was not ready for a relationship.

Since their first date, she has been ringing him daily at first, although it dropped to weekly after a while and is about monthly now. Most of the time he doesn't take the calls but occasionally talks to her out of 'politeness'. She still thinks there could be something there when he is over his break-up and the poor girl has no idea he is engaged to me!

This weekend we were at his house and he had gone out for a short while. The house phone rang and I answered it and it was a woman:

Her: Oh, I think I've got the wrong number.
Me: Are you after G**?
Her: Um yes.
Me: Oh he's just popped out for a bit.
Her. Oh. Er, I'll try again later then.
Me: Who shall I say called?
Her: Tell him it was T**.

I told him when he got home and he showed me a text she had sent him saying that she had rung the home phone and "someone" had answered and she hoped she hadn't got him into trouble.

Now - I have absolutely no doubt that he is doing NOTHING with this girl - I think she is the wronged (although a touch obsessive) party in all this by holding a candle for him all this time and he hasn't let her down gently.

Now that I have her phone number, I am tempted to call her and explain the situation as ask very nicely if she wouldn't mind not ringing my fiancé again.

What do you think?

I had been seeing my now-dh for a couple of months when a girl who he had previously had a one-night stand phoned him and asked him round "for coffee", obviously not meaning coffee

He politely told her he was now seeing someone and wished her all the best.

Not quite sure why your dp doesnt seem able to do this - I'm sorry but if my dh had not been completely straight I would have been mighty suspicious.

I really hope AF isn't right and that you find out that he is involved with this woman and that when she phones the house the reason she doesn't mind if you answer is because he has in fact told her that you are an unginged ex who can't let go and that he's having to tread carefully with you which is why you feature in his life.

unhinged not unginged

I really hope I am not right too

"If she is "unhinged" (jury out) then he has to nip this in the bud. And he should have done this a long, long time ago. I've been the recipient of these types of calls and it is difficult. You are being put in a position where you have to be nasty or straight with someone. But he does and he should have done it a long, long time ago. And that's giving him the benefit of the doubt here "

Pretty much agreed with the above and have said that all along.

AF - sorry but you are completely off the ball on this one if you think that I only "think" I am engaged to him. He got down on one knee in front of both our families at his birthday party and asked me, complete with 24 roses, a bottle of champagne and a stunning ring. And not even his family dared to pass comment that it was a bit quick, although a friend of ours got engaged to a man she met on a dating site after only 4 months!

I did not ask for comments on the validity of our relationship - I asked for specific opinions on a course of action I was considering. I have received such opinions for which I am grateful. I did not ask for opinions on my fiancé's character or our relationship.

I can see why MN gets such a bad rep!! Too many people too quick to assume the very worst possible interpretation of anything.

Many thanks to those who actually gave me what I asked for.

< shrugs >

I am glad you got what you wanted, OP

This sounds sooo dodgy...this woman means nothing to him...they had 1 date...and he's worried about her feelings?...more than your feelings?...dodgy as hell

make the call..or not...but you should wonder what the fuck is going on between them tbh..I certainly would

Ermmmm you came on MN for advice and you have loads of great advice from here - regardless whether it was what you actually wanted to hear or not.

FFS She didn't JUST give him a bj, it was full on - that bit is obv.

He can't be straightforward with her - when she calls does he say;' Thanks but I'm in a relationship' - ? if not why not?

The unhinged description is his get out to you. It is utterly disrespectful to her and is to do with his pretence that nothing really happened - oh yeah, apart from he allowed her to blow him. Of course.

you asked for advice OP, no need to bite
you were given advice based on the approach we would take if in your shoes, and that advice was only given for your benefit.

no point calling the woman unhinged...your 'fiancé' is very involved..

something doesn't add up here.phone calls,ongoing association with a fling.why if was only a bj why be calling 15month later

your man is at it.2 ladies on the go,but he spins you the she's a bunny boiler line

shame you are cross at answers,but well this reads badly.anyway you try explain this he is dodgy

Well you know your fiance, Robs. If he is a little tiny bit of a wuss then it's possible he is telling the truth - that he has not wanted to risk this woman going into meltdown by telling her to sod off. There are people who are incredibly persistent, clingy and demanding ('stalkers' being a popular name for them) and there are people who hate confrontation and therefore let this sort of situation carry on indefinitely, hoping that if they ignore Stalky the Stalker, then Stalky the Stalker will get bored and go away eventually.
If he is a confident, assertive sort of bloke in general, then there is more likely to be something going on that he isn't telling you about.

He's keeping his options open.
He wants this woman flattering him.
He's a dog, and will lead you a merry dance.
You are a classic, 'blame the woman', type.

Get shot, and throw his engagement ring after him.
He is being awful to you, and the other woman, he's treating you both badly.
Why on earth are you with him, well other than she is deluded and he loves you (I bet that's what you think right??)

OMG, but you don't get engaged, promising to marry, and share your life without disclosing Stalky McStalker do you?

Why would you keep that a secret?

ME: " tell her to fuck off"
HIM: waffle waffle chatting shit
ME: "right then chuck, YOU fuck off"
HIM:

or nicer.

ME:
please leave and return only when you are able to commit to be in mind body and soul

HIM:
i am i am

ME
clearly not, come back when you have sorted this horrendous mess that you have perpetuated with your ineffectiveness

Ladies, ladies, please stop stirring the cauldron....

Take yourselves all back a step. Stop trying to see smoke when there is none.

You are applying female logic to a male... always dangerous.

Men can be pretty pathetic creatures, this is ALL and I say again ALL about EGO.

The unhinged woman (and she IS unhinged) is calling him and calling him, and a small part of him is flattered. Deluded that this means she really cares for him.

She doesn't, she thinks she does, thinks he is The One, but the truth is actually that she is obsessed, for whatever reason, it absolutely matters not why, but she is. HE, however is flattered in some small, possibly unconscious, way.

As OP has said again and again he answers her calls 1/10 times, out of politeness. You'd all be right in shrieking He's a player if he were taking all her calls, but he isn't. OK this 1/10 IS kind of keeping her on the hook somehow, bit many of us hate confrontation and to tell someone off that is calling up and being nice and interested in you is mighty tough to be hardfaced and rude to.

Factor in if you are in any way insecure ... which many, many men ARE.... And there you have it, the hanger on and the bemused bloke.... Men!, They are very simple, simple creatures...

OP, you can trust him, don't worry,. he's talking to you about it, you know what is going on.

As far as resolving this, he certainly shouldn't call her, not even to tell her not to contact him, she will interpret this as a sign that he doesn't want her to stop contact.

He needs to perhaps answer one more call and say to her that he's been meaning to talk to her for some time to tell her that is engaged, he is getting married and that really there is not going to be a chance for her and him to be together. That he hopes she understands that it's not right for her to keep calling, and it's not something he wants her to do. That he wishes her luck in her life and finding someone else that wants to be with her. He also needs to tell her that he will not take another call from her and will change his numbers if she keeps calling. Politely and calmly, he can get the message across.

Trust me, I've seen all this at close range. Sit him down and tell him that she could become more obsessed and it's best to let her down gently, but firmly.

Now, Ladies, unless any of you on this thread have more than 10 years direct experience of this, I think I can be relied upon to be giving best interpretation of wierdo meets DH/DF.

It's male ego. Pure and simple, stop keep telling the OP off and saying he's cheating. He isn't.

No guy I'd consider having a relationship with, never mind sharing my life with would act like that.
It's immoral, pathetic, hurtful, and being really, really, horrible.
I couldn't care less about ego, I would not be treated like that, or be with someone who treated others like that ever.

'It's male ego. Pure and simple, stop keep telling the OP off and saying he's cheating. He isn't.'

erm...so men should be allowed to act like idiots because of their egos?...I'm not even saying he's cheating...but ffsif I'm his fiancé then speak to this woman and tell her you are in a serious relationship so she can fuck off!...thats not more than he would ask I'm sure...

OP, you've probably given up on this but I'm somewhat flummoxed as to why you haven't rung her?

As in: "Hi, we spoke the other day when you left a message for my fiance, Fred."

I really don't buy it..men tend to be cut and dry...he is not acting like a man who has made his choice

i wouldn't speak to her

she and i would have nothing to say

i don't 'fight for my man' in any capacity. he stay becuase he wants to -if there is any grey area in there at all he may leave at any time.

I'm not with the Suspicious Crew on this one (well, not until Robsia's spoken to the Stalker, anyway.) He's being a wuss - and possibly overrating himself a little - but that doesn't automatically mean he's a cheat.
But I agree he's very wrong to put Stalker Girl's feelings in front of Robsia's. I'd be very in her position.

Also, I don't think you should get married until this is completely sorted out, OP. It's very not good to start married life with another attached female in tow

I don't think he's cheating, necessarily, just keeping the girl around and not being entirely honest about it, and not being entirely honest is what would bother me.

Why not disclose it?