Another woman fancies my fiancé

[Robsia]

The week before my fiancé G met me (15 months ago, to put the time frame on it) he had a date with a girl called T who he met off the same dating site he met me.

He went back to her house afterwards and, to put it bluntly, she gave him oral sex.

Anyway, she was very taken with him (even talked marriage on the first date!) but he was less taken with her - found her tedious and boring in fact. When he met me, he never looked back. He gave her the excuse that he wasn't over his wife leaving him and was not ready for a relationship.

Since their first date, she has been ringing him daily at first, although it dropped to weekly after a while and is about monthly now. Most of the time he doesn't take the calls but occasionally talks to her out of 'politeness'. She still thinks there could be something there when he is over his break-up and the poor girl has no idea he is engaged to me!

This weekend we were at his house and he had gone out for a short while. The house phone rang and I answered it and it was a woman:

Her: Oh, I think I've got the wrong number.
Me: Are you after G**?
Her: Um yes.
Me: Oh he's just popped out for a bit.
Her. Oh. Er, I'll try again later then.
Me: Who shall I say called?
Her: Tell him it was T**.

I told him when he got home and he showed me a text she had sent him saying that she had rung the home phone and "someone" had answered and she hoped she hadn't got him into trouble.

Now - I have absolutely no doubt that he is doing NOTHING with this girl - I think she is the wronged (although a touch obsessive) party in all this by holding a candle for him all this time and he hasn't let her down gently.

Now that I have her phone number, I am tempted to call her and explain the situation as ask very nicely if she wouldn't mind not ringing my fiancé again.

What do you think?

"This sounds sooo dodgy...this woman means nothing to him...they had 1 date...and he's worried about her feelings?...more than your feelings?...dodgy as hell "

Agreed!

Also, he sounds like a charmer, he takes her on a date, lets her blow him, then decides that she is boring, but strings her along for all this time after?

I would be a little unhinged if I blew some guy on a first date & he stop contacting me. And maybe I would feel a little violated too.

It's her I feel sorry for here, actually. She was used for a cheap thrill by your man & tossed aside. Nice.

But kept for 18 months?>
18 months?
She may well be odd, but I find it very hard to believe any normal woman would stay around for that length of time just from sucking a guys cock.
Anyway, still, still, he didn't tell you. And that for me would be a deal breaker.

Morning ladies.

Firstly groundhog - you have it absolutely spot on!! I assume you are a man!

muggglewump - I knew about her from the very beginning - which bit do you think he hasn't told me about.

Shortly after we started dating we were discussing other experiences of the dating site - I told him about mine, he told me about his.

It'sGraceAgain - that was kind of the point of this thread - to get opinions as to whether I SHOULD ring her.

MumCentrePlus - you are also right, he should absolutely be more concerned about my feelings than hers. He probably hasn't looked at it that way. But I shall make sure he does.

He has promised to tell her everything and even if necessary to change the numbers. That's what I wanted, so I am certain he will do it. If he doesn't, then a whole slew of other questions rear their heads. THEN I may start to worry. But there is no need to consider that yet.

Why don't you all (well, most) try taking off your "worst interpretation" goggles off for a bit and giving the guy the benefit, OK?

s'funny robsia

that the one post you set most store by (as compared to the dozens of others saying he is dodgy in some shape or form) is the one that says he is a poor ikkle man who can't help himself and is a martyr to his fragile ego....

so you did get what you want...

Well, I actually wanted opinions on whether I should ring her or not and I have some saying I should, and some saying I shouldn't - so yes I did, just not unanimous ones.

The character assassination on my h2b I didn't really want and groundhogs was the only person who really seemed to get it.

If I had some nutty bloke stalking me who I had gone out with once, and I was too gutless to confront him and tell him not to and my fiancé was told by a bunch of baying blokes that I was clearly cheating on him and he should dump me forthwith, what would you say to that?

I would think you were dodgy

if you really had only seen him once and the only sexual encounter had been him "giving" you oral sex

and for some odd reason he was still chasing months later (with no encouragement of course...)

and if you were very derogatory about him with a nice little side-dish of man-hating attitude

and strangely reluctant to tell him the truth of your situation

and if your fiance hardly knew you (only been together a matter of months...)

what would you say to that ?

perfectly fine ?

and the thing about MN is, the same for everybody, you can rarely ask a simple question to get a simple answer

women are just too nosy for that and want to know the whole picture before giving you a considered, informed reply

you might want to think on that...what possible reason would all these strangers have to rain on your parade ?

other than to just make you think a little bit...there are red flags here and you are in denial

fine, of course if he does exactly what he says he will. Happy days ! And everyone here will be very pleased if you update to say he rang her in front of you and spelled the situation out very clearly...

but if you were not concerned and rattled, you would not have posted on here

good luck x

It could be argued that she might possibly not keep "stalking" him if he had not let her suck his cock on a first date. There is a reason most people wait with sex till at least the third date. By then you have a bigger chance of knowing if the person you are dealing with is "tedious and boring" or even "unhinged and stalkerish".

oh well. Mistakes happen. I wish you well in your marriage.

hmmm...hope theres nothing in it op but this smacks of not the whole truth. hope im wrong though

I agree with AF's last post. And I think you have had some excellent advice here; just, the majority of it is stuff you don't want to hear. I mean, who wants to think their fiancee is a bit of a knob? Or a total pushover? No-one, that's who. You're ENGAGED. You still think the sun shines out of his arse
I hope you have a very happy life together and these niggles don't keep you awake at night.

One of the many bits I don't understand is . Given that you know this girl and the situation would it not have been an idea that instead of this

"Her: Oh, I think I've got the wrong number.
Me: Are you after G?
Her: Um yes.
Me: Oh he's just popped out for a bit.
Her. Oh. Er, I'll try again later then.
Me: Who shall I say called?
Her: Tell him it was T."

why did you not go with..

Me: are you after G....
Her : yes
Me: he has just popped out for a moment. This is ...... Do you want me to get him to call you before we go out/go to bed/ have lunch/..."

Why so coy with her?
I would have been very open, not least to put her out of her misery so why were you kind of complicit?

I don't know what his relationship is with this girl - it could well be non sexual. But a relationship it is. And the need to lie about it should worry you. It is a matter of openess and integrity and if you are not concerened about those aspects of a partners character then I think you are a little foolish.

I'm with SolidGoldBrass, Groundhogs, ItsGraceAgain and mugwump, in that I don't think there is an open-and-shit case against the fiance. He is not necessarily cheating. It is not just women who are unable to have confrontations, but men, too. It could be out of fear of hurting another's feelings, and also laziness, and who can tell me that no man is lazy?! A good number of threads on MN are about lazy men.

However, I also agree with them, and stress my earlier point, that this does not reflect well on him, and it also means that you have some work to do on your own relationship, Robsia, to make sre he stops ducking confrontations. Secrets might be something as innocent as his hating one of your friends for having said or done something he can't bring himself to tell you, but which would poison your relationship with the friend as well, if you knew. However, they could be serious secrets, and real cheating. No matter what else happens, or what else is revealed, he has to get his confrontation issues sorted.

at open and shit case

" at open and shit case"

Oh, no, how embarassing! But I may use that deliberately sometime, so thanks v much for pointing that out, pagwatch.

While I'm here, I ought to add that I do agree with posters who point out that the OP doesn't necessarily just get the answer to the question posed. A lot of the time, posters don't realise, or don't want to admit what other issues are in play. I just don't agree at the leaping to the conclusion that he is shagging the other woman. It may be, but how would we live if we always came to the worst conclusion? Life would be appalling without a bit of tolerance. If that tolerance is abused, then yes, be as angry as you like, and throw the book at the offender, before throwing him/her out. But let the OP go step by step. She may have her suspicions, but let her go through them step by step, rather than to this accelerated timescale. Anyone read Othello recently?

Love the "open and shit case" new mumsnet saying i think!!!!

I have to say im with AF, SGB, Pag and all the others that have said that there are more than a few red flags here......

The home phone she phoned....is that number pre your relationship?
If its after you really need to be asking yourself how and why she has your landline number!

aahhh i see thanks Reality i lost that in reading all the replies!

Red flags, yes, but not assumption.

Reality, I got engaged to DH when we were living apart! Living apart in the first place made me break up with him, but we eventually sorted things out, thanks to his having his own space. It was funny to look at the list of Notices of Intent to Marry at my Register Office, though: we were the only non-cohabiting couple on it! DH had to do his at another office.

wv, I agree with you

I never said he is definitely up to no good

what I was pointing out is that his story doesn't add up and that she shouldn't really trust so completely someone she met on a dating site a few months ago, with a dodgy story

and who appears to have a rather unpleasant opinion of women

we have 2 scenarios here, tbh

1. fiance is a weak, lily-livered cock who would rather make his fiance lose a little sleep than some "random" he alledgedly gives not one shit about

2. fiance is a liar, and there is more to this

neither of those situations would be filling me with the joys of a wonderful partnership

He's either not being truthful with her by not telling her about you or he's not being truthful to you by telling you she doesn't know.
She might know all about you but just not care because as far as she's concerned she still gets him anyway so why be bothered about a detail like you?

Either way you can't get away from the fact that you're engaged to be married to a man who will happily withhold the truth.
Better to find out the real truth before you commit to marriage.

He is ENGAGED to you and has ALREADY betrayed you like this - even before the marriage???? Sorry, but I would walk right out the door and never come back. It's one thing getting itchy feet after how ever many years of marriage and being ground down by children, mortgages, etc and being flattered by female attention.

What is the point of getting married if he already is messing around with other women? an engagement is supposed to be exciting, exclusive, you should be crazy about each other.

For me that would be a complete deal breaker. Sorry, but I would never marry someone who could be so disrespectful even before the wedding.

In other circumstances I can sometimes understand people straying - things can happen in people's lives that make them vulnerable etc - but during an egagement it is just - taking the p*.

errr, potty, I think you have jumped forward a few steps there, love

"Why so coy with her?
I would have been very open, not least to put her out of her misery so why were you kind of complicit?"

At first I thought it was probably one of his sisters when I heard a female voice. So at the end of the brief conversation when she said who she was I was just taken aback. And secondly I was very very tempted to have the conversation there and then. I decided not to on the spur of the moment. No real reason - maybe I should have. But I didn't. But I did do 1471 afterwards and write down her number.

"Why didn't he text her back and say, that wasn't 'someone', it was my fiancée of six months, Robsia? "

He ignored the text as he ignores 99% of her attempts at communication with him. At that point he hadn't yet agreed to tell her.

"The home phone she phoned....is that number pre your relationship?
If its after you really need to be asking yourself how and why she has your landline number!"

It's the number he has had for about ten years, long before he met me. We may have to change it if she really won't leave him alone.

"I find it weird that you would be engaged to somebody before you live with them, nowadays. But there you go."

Well, if you really need to know all these details he has been trying to sell his house for well over a year so he can settle with his ex-wife. I didn't want to move in with him in that house but I have finally decided that if I want us to be living together at all when we get married then I am going to have to bite the bullet and move into his house. At some point down the line when the market has recovered then we will sell it and buy OUR house but in the mean time I have little choice.

pottybutnice - what are you talking about? Are you reading a different thread?

Robsia

you are getting very frustrated and defensive and I am sorry that you are feeling the need to defend yourself.

But you should take a deep breath and contemplate the notion that your DP is being untruthful and dishonourable to both you and this woman however you wrap up the whys and wherefores.

This should be simple. He should have told her and he should not be having any conversations with her.
It probably isn't a cheating thing. But it does not reflect well on either of you that he is not dealing with it in a straightforward way.

And maybe you should examine why you didn't just tell her when you had the chance. Is there a possibility that you were concerned that the conversatipons would involve your hearing more evidence that he has been stringing her along?