stressedmummys counselling session.

[stressedmummy]

Thought I would start a new thread to update you on my counselling session today, as I have had my last thread deleted.
It was during my lunch hour & I managed to keep my cool throughout it all, which was probably because I had it in my mind that I had to walk straight back into class afterwards!
I told her as much as I could in that hour & she was suprised at how calm I seemed, as what I was telling her about H made her feel all tense.
I explained to her that when I do lose it & get all tearful, I remain like it for hours & hours.
She told me that I have been brave to confront him & to speak to the SENCO.
She also said that he sounds like the kind of man who would be capable of lashing out at me one day (which was similar to what my HV said)
& she thinks it would be a good idea for me to go on this freedom course.
I told her that the only thing that was holding me back is the real acceptance of abuse & she said that she could tell that although I am accepting he is abusive, I am still a little in denial of the severity of my situation.
Now I am back from work, I am trying to digest it all!

It's interesting that he sees such a strong link between love and subservience. Lots of people would take confidence in the fact that their partner acts totally independently and STILL chooses to be with them, iyswim. Interesting that he connects strength and independence with 'not loving him'.

But Loobie is right, don't go backwards! I am sure you won't - it's your life, and the boys', and you have a right to live it on your terms.

Hard work getting there, I know. Hang on in there, and keep listening to the voice of MN: we DO all think that you are brave and strong and that you are making excellent progress. I like to walk up big mountains in my spare tiome (hah! when did that last happen!), and it's a funny thing to do because it feels really uncomforatble and hard all the way up. But it does get you there. I know you are in that really uncomfortable stage, and you're probably wondering when on earth it will get better. But you are miles up from where you started, already.

Sorry - have come over all bad-metaphor!

I know what you are saying Blu & don't worry, I will not go backwards after coming so far in my own head IYKWIM?
He hasn't spoken about last nights discussion at all today.

Actually, I don't think it is possible to go backwards in your head, so i'm sure you're safe!

off to garage - car started pumping out black smoke on the way back from ikea on saturday!

Is it raining where you are? can you get the kids out to one of those soft play places to give yourself some space - or is it this week he's working days?

It is raining & miserable here!
H is going to work in a bit & does not get home until 9.30pm.
I was thinking of visiting a friend this afternoon, because ds1 is very bored & likes to play with her children.
I don't think it would be possible for me to go back in my head either & I expect that by the end of my counselling I will go forward further.

I do get free train travel, but don't use it as much as I should because I am always put off at the thought of trying to lug ds2 & his buggy in & out of the train.
I may well take them somewhere with my Mum over the holidays.
She is going on about doing legoland sometime.

Hope HV visit goes well today. Is she coming for anythuing in particular, or just to see how things are?

She is just coming to see how things are.
She has been visiting me every fourtnight since I first asked for her help back in May.
H is not in the best of moods this morning, so I will be glad when he goes to work!

He's gone!
Things are not going his way today, right down to me buying the wrong kind of butter!
He seems in one of his anti children moods too & has been saying that they are my children, all morning.

Well good riddance to him, and I hope that you can now have a more relaxing day.
Is it because he knows the HV is coming, do you think? Or doesn't he know?

He does know that she is coming round, but he has been blaming it on things like that there was no tuna in the cupboard & me buying a butter that he doesn't like!
He has been grouchy with the kids too.
Ds1 has gone off to the cinema with my Mum now.

God this sounds so familiar,im just so glad not to have it anymore,life is so much easier on our own,my house was a tip this morning and i left it all for my driving lesson,my dad came ot watch the kids and i came home and hour and half later to a nice tidy house,i couldnever have done anything like this when ex was here,in fact i couldnt have taken the lessons to start with as he wouldnt have the kids.
Please please gather the strength to get out of this misery,it really doesnt sound like he is even aware he is so wrong so has little or no chance of getting any better.
Until then take care of you and yours xx

The wrong kind of butter??? Oh ffs. He hasn't got a clue about the effect he has and he clearly doesn't care.

Hv has just left. She has been here since 1.15pm!
I told her about the other w/e when H was hurling abuse at me because I put a glass down while he was talking to me.
She asked me what I am actually getting out of this relationship & I found it quite hard to give that many answers.
She also asked when was the last time that he made me feel special & again I couldn't really give an answer.
She mentioned the freedom training again & told me it starts on 8th September & she is willing to attend the first session with me.

Big hugs to you stressedmummy. So sorry that you are having to cope with all of this. Awful thing to say, but like Loobie, it makes me so glad I don't have to put up with this stuff anymore.

Thanks bugsy2.
I can imagine how nice it must be to not have to live like this anymore.

It is nice but that release of tension & misery comes at a huge cost! Would never advise anyone to just walk away, if there was any chance the situation could be improved.

I can well imagine & ATM I am terrified of taking the BIG step.

Definitely don't let fear hold you back. I had no choice in the end, as my ex-H would not end his affair.
Thumbnail guide to a break up. Divorce is ugly. I don't know anyone with small children who has divorced amicably & painlessly. Financially you will be worse off. Administratively, divorce is a pain in the bum. Huge process, loads of paperwork, seems to take forever.
On the plus side, you end up being yourself again. I have re-emerged and despite the fact that I am a working (outside home), single mummy on tax credits - my life is sooooooooooooo much happier now. I am no longer living under threat - never meeting up to someone else's absurd standards.

I think it's briliant that she offered to attend the first sesion with you.

All good questions that she asked. His carry-on with the butter and tuna reminds me of Sleeping With the Enemy all over again.

I mean, I am fussy about butter, I like Lurpak, but if DP bought something else I would assume that it was because he had to get some at short notice from Lurpak-free corner shop, or Tesco were out - I wouldn't make any kind of deal out of it at all - I would trust that DP had done the best at the time, and anyway, it isn't worth any kind of fuss, let allone bad temper.

He isn't 'typical' in his behaviour, imho, and i hate to think of you enduring this day in day out

I told my HV that when he was horrible the other w/e, I had really had enough & didn't know how much more I could take.
Sometimes I almost hate him.

He said he disliked the type of butter I had chosen & refused to eat it.
I had a real mental block when she asked those q's.
She also asked me what I would think if I was sitting where she was hearing her talking about the things I was.
My head just went blank at the time.

Think I have got stuck half way up the mountain Blu!

HI SM - do you feel a little better having spoken to HV?

i went to docs this morning to discuss depression and they have contacted my HV so she will call me in next few days to arrange an apt....wondered if you found it beneficial.