Please help a very sad and confused new dad

[LostBoy]

Hello all
I am writing this post out of shher desperation in the hope that someone will be able to offer me some helpful advice.
I have been with my wife for 8 years and we have had what i would consider a normal healthy loving relationship, Of course we have had ups and downs and rows and disagreements but no more so than any other couple I know.
We have recently become parents (9 months ago) to a beautiful baby girl and things at first were fine we were a very happy little family and were getting along really great working as a team learning how to be a family.
Our daughter had slept in her cot from the day we come home from the hospital and would wake on average 3 times a night for feeds.
we both shared all responsibilites and were supporting one another really well and really enjoying being parents.
However when the baby was around 6 months old she got a bad cold and was very poorly and upset and would not sleep without being cuddled so we had her in bed with us which was fine and we both discussed that we would not let her get used to this and as soon as she was better she would go back to her cot as our bed is not big enough for all three of us and both me and my wife were not sleeping as well as a result.
However when the baby was well agian my wife refused to put her back in to her cot and insisted the baby sleep in with us saying that the baby would no longer sleep in the cot which was untrue as I had been putting her down to sleep in the cot but my wife was then getting her out of the cot and bringing her in to bed with us.
I tried to explain to her that I thought this was not a good thing to be doing as it was a big step backwards for the baby and none of us were sleeping as well anymore.
She accused me of not wanting the baby in our bed so because I wanted sex which was totally not the case as I love my wife very much and would like nothing more than to be able to make love to her but she has told me that she dosent feel ready too and that is fine with me and I would never ever try to pressure her in to something she did not want and I told her this and that I was more than happy to wait as long as she needed.
ut then she started to accuse me of only doing stuff for her helping her and being nice to her so that she would have sex with me, she also began to accuse me of thinking things and would make her mind up what my intentions were and what i was going to say before I had had a chance to say anything choosing always to see the bad side of whatever I said or twst my words and actions in to something really ugly,
I love my wife with all my heart and it is deeply upsetting for me to hear the spiteful and nasty stuff she says about me and accuses me of.
It got so bad thet she would not let me even hug kiss or touch her and whenever I showed any sign of affection towards her she would get angry,
She is seeing a CBT councellor for post natal depression and we have been going to relate together but she is unwilling to try to make it work and it has now come to the stage where she is saying she dosent love me and has made me move out of our flat and I an now staying with friends.
I have continued to tell her I love her and that I will always be there for her and tried to make her feel better about herself but all i get in return is anger and spitefull comments.
She is almost unrecognosible as the woman I Love and behaves so completely irratonally and unreasonably but refuses to see this and blames me for everything and gets angry over nothing and will use anything to try to start a fight with me. I am at a total loss as to what to do now.
I love my wife so much and she has given me the most amazing thing in the world all I want is to be able to love them both care for them be there and be a family. But she has got so hostile and aggressive towards me now that I am scared for her and cannot stand to be around her and see her this way.
Our daughter is upset that I am not around and although I try to be ther as much as I can my wife is making it impossible for me to vist and refuses to let me be alone with the baby.
please please help me I have never felt so sad and desperate.

I am very sorry that you are feeling so low.Hope that you can work things out.I didn't want to read and leave it but hope someone wiser can advise you .Please don't give up because I am sure you are doing a great job and you seem kind and understanding to your wife.God bless you.

God that sounds tough. She is ill and what she is saying/doing is because of her illness. Can you get some support? Do you have a decent GP who might refer you for some counselling. I don't think there is anything wrong with you, I just think you are going thru an incredibly sad time and could do with talking it through with someone impartial. Is your wife on anti-depressants? They are usually thought to be very effective for PND, a GP friend told me. Good luck - I hope things work out for you all. You sound like a thoughtful, kind man. If you can find it in you to stick by her, she will probably be eternally grateful when she gets better - which she will.

This may well all be stemming from PND. Since she is getting treatment and you are trying Relate I think all you can do is carry on reassuring her that you love her and your DD, keep up contact with your DD, and try to give your wife time and space to work through her emotions.

I have to go and make lunch now, but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Please be patient with your wife...I know it seems like she is being a cow, but please be patient and keep lines of communication open, and don't be too demanding (I know you feel your'e not. She does really need you right now. I'll be back later.

OH love, poor you. I think that this is the PND driving her. It's going to be a long haul, but try and hang in there, hpoefully when she's coming out of the depression she may realise what she's doing.

Depression hates company... it thrives on isolation.

Can you appeal to her parents, or a friend of hers, or a couple? can anyone help you guys in RL?

If your wife is suffering from PND she probably will be unrecognisable for a little while . Also, although you aren't pressuing her for sex she may feel that this is what's going through your head all the time even though it isn't. It's hard to explain the pressure women place on themselves with regard to perceived male expectations and then the resentment she may feel when she can't meet what she thinks your expectations are. This will sound bizarre, I'm sure!

The other thing, and I'm speaking from experience here, is that once my DD was around six months old I found it very hard to get myself out of "mummy mode" and into partner mode. It's was as if a switch had been flicked in my head and I didn't feel able to combine motherhood and the feelings associatd with that with being the partner I'd been pre-baby. It's possible your wife may also be feeling some of that.

I think patience and understanding are the key here and I do think it will pass. It may take a little while (months not years, I would think) but as you have such a strong relationship and have been together so long I think you'll probably come through it ok...

It does sound as though her PND is pretty bad. I know I didn't want much to do with DH physically for at least 9m post-DS being born, and we co-slept from the start (DH actually moved into the spare bed so that we all got some sleep and it was safer for DS).

Actually, my libido has never really returned and I know DH, despite being very patient, gets very frustrated. He also does keep trying to be "just affecionate" but sometimes I can't even stand that - I just don't want to be touched at those times and even a hug is counter-productive. I don't know if that rings any bells for you - but I didn't develop the sort of paranoid tendencies that you describe in your DW.

I hope that you can work it out somehow and that she gets the help she needs - and that you stay understanding to her needs in her time of distress.

Oh, and I should add that the switch did flick back again! Once I'd got my head around the fact that being a mother didn't mean I was no longer a sexual being and all thst.

Co-sleeping can be highly beneficial for both mum and baby. Have you researched it at all? Western culture is one of the few where it isn't commonplace ...and it has the highest prevalence of PND. This may not be consequential but in my personal experience, I'd be surprised if they couldn't be linked.

At nine months it's unlikely your DD is suffering separation anxiety from you, don't worry. They tend to be quite flexible and accepting of changes to their living circumstances at this age.

How long ago did your DW ask you to move out? She sounds very down and it can feel nigh on impossible to support someone through depression without risk to your own emotional health. Have you seen a GP yourself about how low you are at the moment? You need to look after yourself to be of any use to your family whether together or apart.

You and your DD have a right to spend time with each other. If as a consequence of her PND, your DW feels more comfortable with you doing so with her there, then this may be for the best for now, unless there is a third party you could ask to become involved?

Your DW can't use this time to give you a hard time, it should be strictly for you and your DD to enjoy, with your DW in the vicinity only. Similarly, this is not the time for you to make attempts to discuss matters pertaining to your relationship with your DW.

If she is refusing to allow you to see her at all then I think you need to seek legal advice. Mediation may help in this situation.

If she wants to separate, you have to work on acceptance of this, no matter how difficult this feels.

PND is a real pig and it will take a while to get your wife back. So long as she is getting treatment, I would hang in there and let her know that you are there for her.

Try not to take things personally - it's not really her talking, it's the PND.

can i suggest something?

before you ever got to the part of your post where you mention your wife's issues and PND i found the way you described your dd and your parenting style as quite rigid and almost cold.

I mean to return a baby 3/4 times a night to it's cot takes a certain dedication and belief that the cot is the baby's 'proper place'. I can't imagine how difficult it made night times for your wife and it sounds like possibly it was never what she wanted in the first place.

We only have one side of the story unfortunately... and while everything you've said might be true there's also a strong possibility that what your wife is feeling and the anger she has towards you does have basis in fact... either exacerbated by or completely separate from the PND.

It sounds like you have quite strong views on the 'right' way to parent your dd.... have you been overruling your wife on parenting issues? Is that why she doesn't want you seeing your dd... because she's finally able to parent her the way she feels is best and she doesn't want you confusing and upsetting the baby with your far more rigid style and she knows you won't back down on what you feel is the right way?

your daughter is 9 months old, she doesn't realise you're not there anymore... babies of that age have hardly any memory capability at all and are unlikely to realise someone/something is missing from a situation.

I hope you can work things out but please don't pressure your wife or harass her... just give her space and if things are meant to work out they will.

TulipsInThe Rain I think you must have read a different OP to the one I can see as it certainly doesn't seem rigid or cold and I think generally what you say is very unfair.

LostBoy, if you want to have any kind of relationship with your daughter you may need to consider getting advice from a different source - particularly as you have left the family home. Perhaps at some point your wife will 'recover' and want you back in her, or your child's, life, but if she doesn't you will have to do something about it because unlike everyone else who is breezily reassuring you that children don't notice whether their Dad's are around or not, I think children do need their Daddy. My ex hubby used to travel away for work and without question our DD missed him and she was less than a year old at the time.

Agree with everything Tanga said. Hope that you are getting some support in RL, LOstboy? Also, hard as it may be to accept, this might not be her PND talking. She might genuinely not want to be in a relationship with you any more. If that's the case, there is nothing you can do about it. You can, however, have a relationship with her so that you can both parent your DD. If I were you, I would try and step back from trying to convince your wife that you love her, because you can't make her better/change how she feels right now. Just try and agree contact with your child, and try and be patient. I really hope that it all works out for you.

OK, I'm ocnfused. Has the LostBoy left his wife and moved out?

I didn't read anything 'rigid' or 'cold' about the OP either. He sounds like a caring and loving parent who just want to be able to continue to be a caring and loving parent despite having been pushed into moving out of his home

He's been made to move out of his home by his wife and is staying with friends.

Don't see anything which suggests that you are rigid and cold. PND is evil Echoing all of the positive advice that you've had above but also wondering if you could speak to your daughters HV ? She may be able to reassure you about the effect that all of this is or isn't having on the baby and if she is involved in supporting your wife would be a good source of support for you as well with regard parenting ?

Why is it that when a woman posts about her DH's depression, she is told that it is not an excuse for treating the DW badly and yet when a man posts about DW's depression he is told that it is because of her depression and he has to accept it?

FWIW, I don't think the OP sounds at all cold and rigid in his parenting style. He sounds as though he genuinely wants to work things out but is being prevented from doing so by his wife. If his wife really doesn't want to be in a relationship, I think he needs proper legal advice about access to his DD.

for you Lostboy.

It does sound like the pnd talking and if you've got differing ideas on parenting that will certainly make it worse.

I very much feel for you but I would say that having lo in a cot is in the minority actually - it's a very western concept. I would say that if mummy feels the need to cosleep with lo - regardless of the affect on her sleep (daddy can camp in another room to get better rest if needed) let her. Personally I found cosleeping made for a better night sleep for all - but each baby is different.

I do hope she gets the best treatment for the pnd and I do hope you can get back together. Hang on in there but your dd is entitled to see you and you her.

Tanga, "breezily reassuring" "I think children do need their Daddy"

Did it occur to you that others, possibly in a situation more similar to the OP's scenario than your own, are also posting from experience?

A father who goes away on work trips, presumably sporadic in length and frequency is probably more turbulant for a young child, yes.

Young children (particularly under one) in single parent families, with a good contact routine in place (which is what most posters have encouraged) tend to cope very well and do not tend to be distraught in the absence of the other parent.

LostBoy, poor you - what an awful situation for you and you sound lovely and warm and worried and caring.

I think you need to continue with the Relate sessions and hope that your wife continues with her CBT too. It may be worth getting legal advice, but I worry that if you try to do anything too formally at this stage wrt to access, your wife will totally close down on you (even more than she has done already). Someone further up the thread suggested called on your ILs or friends of your wife's. I think that's an excellent suggestion.

I really hope that you can resolve this situation and be reunited with your family. You must miss them dreadfully

Well, I don't see cold and rigid here, but I have some questions about the night feedings. Is the baby breastfed? Who was doing the night feedings? Who was picking up and putting down the baby at night? How did you decide that the cot in another room would be the place where the baby slept?

You mention that you would put the baby in her cot and your DW would get up and bring her back to the bed, which to me indicates that co-sleeping is something your wife has strongly positive feelings about, and that you and she were not seeing eye to eye about the matter. There is mention of your opinion that the bed wasn't big enough and the DH 'explaining' that staying in the bed was a step backwards for the baby "I tried to explain to her that I thought this was not a good thing to be doing as it was a big step backwards for the baby and none of us were sleeping as well anymore." Lots of logical reasons... Now, to me, 'explaining things' to your wife is really a rather patronising way of behaving, and I think the DW here possibly felt she was being overruled as others have suggested, or being lectured to, or having the law laid down to her. I think she is probably resentful about things being done your way, Lostboy, and I suspect you have a tendency to think you are a bit of an expert on childraising and babycare, and also that you have a tendency to think of feelings of other people as of secondary importance.

On another tack, there's no mention of anybody's extended family here. Where is the DW's mother, and does she have anyone besides her DH in her life who is a source of support or advice? How about Lostboy? Does he have family who are involved in his life?

What sort of treatment is the DW getting for the PND? Medication? Counselling?

I don't know... does something smell just a wee bit funny around here? My apologies if my radar is wonky today.

Sorry Eco, the situation you describe

"Young children (particularly under one) in single parent families, with a good contact routine in place (which is what most posters have encouraged) tend to cope very well and do not tend to be distraught in the absence of the other parent."

is NOT what is happening to the child in this thread, who is now living unsupervised with a woman who is mentally ill and suddenly has no Daddy around.

I have every sympathy with anyone with PND (having ahd it myself) but I agree with sayithowitis. If a woman came on and said her DH was suffering froma mental illness, had become hostile and aggressive, had thrown her out of the house and was refusing to let her see their child, I'm not sure the advice would have been 'leave him alone and if things are meant to work out they will'. I am also very unsure about the advice to accept supervised contact, given that the wife is aggressive. That's not a great thing for a child to be around, either.

This sounds so sad. Your wife and daughter are very lucky to have such a caring husband/father, even if your wife may not see that at the moment. Really hope things get better for you - keep posting/checking back if there's anything else, if things develop you might need another thread to discuss things further? That seems to work for a lot of people as it must be very lonely to find that your partner suddenly seems quite unlike the person she was.