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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help a very sad and confused new dad

475 replies

LostBoy · 21/02/2010 11:25

Hello all
I am writing this post out of shher desperation in the hope that someone will be able to offer me some helpful advice.
I have been with my wife for 8 years and we have had what i would consider a normal healthy loving relationship, Of course we have had ups and downs and rows and disagreements but no more so than any other couple I know.
We have recently become parents (9 months ago) to a beautiful baby girl and things at first were fine we were a very happy little family and were getting along really great working as a team learning how to be a family.
Our daughter had slept in her cot from the day we come home from the hospital and would wake on average 3 times a night for feeds.
we both shared all responsibilites and were supporting one another really well and really enjoying being parents.
However when the baby was around 6 months old she got a bad cold and was very poorly and upset and would not sleep without being cuddled so we had her in bed with us which was fine and we both discussed that we would not let her get used to this and as soon as she was better she would go back to her cot as our bed is not big enough for all three of us and both me and my wife were not sleeping as well as a result.
However when the baby was well agian my wife refused to put her back in to her cot and insisted the baby sleep in with us saying that the baby would no longer sleep in the cot which was untrue as I had been putting her down to sleep in the cot but my wife was then getting her out of the cot and bringing her in to bed with us.
I tried to explain to her that I thought this was not a good thing to be doing as it was a big step backwards for the baby and none of us were sleeping as well anymore.
She accused me of not wanting the baby in our bed so because I wanted sex which was totally not the case as I love my wife very much and would like nothing more than to be able to make love to her but she has told me that she dosent feel ready too and that is fine with me and I would never ever try to pressure her in to something she did not want and I told her this and that I was more than happy to wait as long as she needed.
ut then she started to accuse me of only doing stuff for her helping her and being nice to her so that she would have sex with me, she also began to accuse me of thinking things and would make her mind up what my intentions were and what i was going to say before I had had a chance to say anything choosing always to see the bad side of whatever I said or twst my words and actions in to something really ugly,
I love my wife with all my heart and it is deeply upsetting for me to hear the spiteful and nasty stuff she says about me and accuses me of.
It got so bad thet she would not let me even hug kiss or touch her and whenever I showed any sign of affection towards her she would get angry,
She is seeing a CBT councellor for post natal depression and we have been going to relate together but she is unwilling to try to make it work and it has now come to the stage where she is saying she dosent love me and has made me move out of our flat and I an now staying with friends.
I have continued to tell her I love her and that I will always be there for her and tried to make her feel better about herself but all i get in return is anger and spitefull comments.
She is almost unrecognosible as the woman I Love and behaves so completely irratonally and unreasonably but refuses to see this and blames me for everything and gets angry over nothing and will use anything to try to start a fight with me. I am at a total loss as to what to do now.
I love my wife so much and she has given me the most amazing thing in the world all I want is to be able to love them both care for them be there and be a family. But she has got so hostile and aggressive towards me now that I am scared for her and cannot stand to be around her and see her this way.
Our daughter is upset that I am not around and although I try to be ther as much as I can my wife is making it impossible for me to vist and refuses to let me be alone with the baby.
please please help me I have never felt so sad and desperate.

OP posts:
JaneS · 21/02/2010 23:26

heated, why on earth should the OP have to not offer any advice? This is his child - he's entitled to offer advice til the cows come home!

bluetits · 21/02/2010 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EcoMouse · 21/02/2010 23:31

VH, because in most situations, as a single parent, it would be nonsensical to refer to 'ours' because 'we' no longer exist.

Tanga · 21/02/2010 23:32

The mother made the baby by herself? Wow.

MadameDefarge · 21/02/2010 23:32

Well, ladies, I love men, so that counts me out. But I do seriously object to an OP that puts all the problems down to wife's PND while telling a story that does have elements of I knew best...and just not wanting to listen to said wife.

Things change with babies. when they are tiny they are quite easy to manage I find, when they get a bit older, stuff changes, being rigid about it, and insisting on previous patterns is not helpful. Its not a solution, it becomes a critcism.

And I feel judgy male parent all over this. Because, like it or not. a bf mother is the primary carer at this stage.

violethill · 21/02/2010 23:33

The father and the mother made the baby actually.

Obviously a minor detail to some...

Ah well, it seems that for some people, 'all parents are equal, but mothers are more equal than fathers!'

If nothing else, this thread has made me feel very glad that I married a man who I respect as an equal parent, and who gives me that respect back. Clearly some people don't get that and don't even want it

EcoMouse · 21/02/2010 23:34

bluetits "The Dad is just as important and a good dad who is there for their child will be rewarded with a fantastic relationship with the child

but the bond between mother and child is sacred."

May not be pc but is so true it's worthy of repetition!

bluetits · 21/02/2010 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

violethill · 21/02/2010 23:35

Ah right, so you judge a father by the fact that his sperm are microscopic.

How enlightened of you.

MadameDefarge · 21/02/2010 23:35

oh really, Violet, if your paragon of a dh told you to not bf your baby unless according to a schedule, would you be so happy?

Its great you agree, but not all parents do. And for a father to try impose his ideas of what is right for a bf mum and baby is just silly.

EcoMouse · 21/02/2010 23:35

VH, it's sweet that life is rosy for you. No-one begrudges that but many of us and more sadly our DC's, have had very different experiences.

violethill · 21/02/2010 23:37

The OP never said he tried to impose a bf schedule. But let's not stick to the facts eh

Tanga · 21/02/2010 23:37

So this sacred bond...makes it OK to throw stuff near a baby, does it?

bluetits · 21/02/2010 23:39

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violethill · 21/02/2010 23:39

Clearly does Tanga. And shout and behave aggressively to the child's father in front of the child. Some might call it abuse, but to others it's obviously a sacred bond....

MadameDefarge · 21/02/2010 23:42

oh, enough of the pedantry violet....

Tanga · 21/02/2010 23:42

And yet there are so many threads about toxic mothers...

violethill · 21/02/2010 23:44

Not remotely pedantic. Just quite sickened really to think of a mother behaving like that around a baby.

bluetits · 21/02/2010 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameDefarge · 21/02/2010 23:47

In case both of you, tanga and Violet, missed the vital parts of this thread, the OP got pretty shitty and aggressive when others questioned his version.

And yes, the relationship between a mum and a new baby is primary over the dad/baby bond...and some inept twat trying to manage the process according to his ideas of what is right would drive anyone insane, PND or not.

bluetits · 21/02/2010 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 21/02/2010 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameDefarge · 21/02/2010 23:48

well, lucky old you violet, to have never experienced PND...chucking a bag of baby wipes around is hardly child abuse.

bluetits · 21/02/2010 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alypaly · 21/02/2010 23:49

i agree with screaminagle...i was just like that after DS1 . After 6 weeks in hospital before the birth with eclampsia and 6 weeks afterwards with the same i just didnt fancy the idea of sex. Every time my partner(now unfortunately my ex) came near me,it made me cringe. I just wanted a cuddle,just to be held as i had been through a very frightening experience. I didnt realise i was suffering from severe postnatal depression until DS1 was about 12 months and i literally fell apart.I was jibbering wreck. I was trying to be super woman except for the sex side.
Maybe there are other issues that having a baby has unearthed. Having DS1 brought back all my childhood memeories of sexual abuse and i was fighting with that unbeknown to my partner. It eventually landed me in hospital but thankfully it never made me aggressive...just weepy and i felt unloved ,unsexy,ugly and abnormal.

Lostboy maybe there are other issues that all her hormones have brought to the surface. Talk to her as it sounds like she needs some psychotherapy sessions.You do sound like a loving husband to me.