Read the whole thread and although I don't know if I have had PND (had two children and currently pregnant with third) but I have suffered depression on and off for years, with some often very severe episodes.
Not sure if anything I say is helpful but thought I'd throw my thoughts in there for good measure
Is it not so often the case in relationships, or so we are told, that women wish their men would change (adapt) and men wish their women would stay the same (things be as they were). That men want to fix things and women want empathy or to be understood.
But having a baby/children changes so much.. Plus, women don't want their men to fix them and get annoyed if they try (without fully understanding what is broke isn't that just desperately trying to make it all go away!)
This is age-old stuff I know, terrible generalisations too, but all the same....
Anyway as I was saying... naturally problems in the relationship are heightened and dynamics shift, or at least try to when something huge like looking after a tiny person with all the reality and responsibility of parenting, changes everything.
I know Lostboy feels all was fine before the PND but the wife may not feel have the same take on that. She may have thought "things will be different/better" when we are a family etc, the usual sort of thing. She wouldn't necessarily have felt the need to address issues she had in the relationship for example, before baby, as they didn't seem worth it as she was happy to accept certain ways. Perhaps old buried issues are now no longer bearable. So Lostboy may not have known.
It may have been just literally all fine of course, and maybe just new issues and problems transpired purely through such a change as a baby.
Just because she was happy before doesn't mean she is unreasonable to be unhappy now.
It's very possible there are big power struggles going on... both wanting to control..
Anyway..
The wife may need time to figure out what she wants and needs in her new role (I know they are both the baby's parents but she still is an individual) ..she could be fustrated, becoming easily angered, and then developed PND on top of that.
She may well be very lost right now, especially if she was happy before and had been for 9 years previously with Lostboy and now suddenly she finds he/the relationship drives her crazy (throwing the wipes and shouting for example).
For the record having a "strop", being moody, making catty remarks etc is not something I'm proud of, but it is me under stress and struggling mentally with my depression. It's embarrassing and I feel overwhelmed like a hormonal teenager but I will defend with vigiour that I am in no way a danger to my children and I am not abusive!
If a grown-up hasn't the ability to deal with temper tantrums or not face real-life outbursts then I don't know how they'll get through life. Kids cope with worse at school! Parents cope with worse from teenagers.. I do think a little perspective is needed. She threw wet wipes at him..not the baby. She could have snarled something worse at him too. For whatever reason, she had had enough (reasonable or not), it was better she told him to get out than beat him with the wetwipes! There is no reason that another way of seeing the baby can't be arranged. She isn't completely unwilling otherwise she wouldn't even go to the relate sessions. The issue certainly seems directly related to the baby anyhow..
Again I digress sorry....I am in no way justifying her behaviour or saying it is okay to be angry and express her anger in certain ways, I am only saying this as Lostboy mentioned he wished to try to understand or see where she's coming from.
Loving her regardless of this new behaviour would suggest no matter how "wrong" she appears to be acting, it is important to him to try and "see" it from her perspective, however difficult that may be.
I do want to say that she if she does have a mental illness (and I would say this with the genders switched round) that her mental well being should take priority over getting back the relationship Lostboy once knew or judging her actions instead of acknowledging her feelings. I appreciate this can be incredibly difficult and painful but strength of character and not feeling sorry for oneself or trying to control a situation that does not require it, would earn most peoples respect and admiration.
One thing that struck me throughout the thread was hearing "I love my wife so much" and "I keep telling her how much I love her" and saying how he tries to show her affection, showing he loves her and cares so much etc.
I know for me, hearing my OH express such things ALL THE TIME just makes me feel ten times worse...it's hard to explain but how I feel has nothing to do with feeling unloved.
I KNOW he loves me..dearly...I get it.
It's not helpful I'm afraid, and even when I try and tell my OH that it dis-stresses me him declaring this so often, he says he just wants to let me know, that its for my benefit, to make me feel better.
But how is it for me when I don't want to hear it, when I say I don't NEED to hear it.
I suggest it's because he wants to REMIND me, because he feels insecure or worried and want's to make sure I know it.
It certainly feels as if he's emotionally manipulating me in some way, even if he professes differently.
Now I'm aware that's somewhat unfair but for me, when he REMINDS me, I feel if I do not show and express that same said love, that he will feel unloved, that am cold and unfeeling and I feel guilty some more.
In my mind he's telling me he feels insecure and I feel bad that I have no energy or inclination (because I am depressed) to reassure him. So it feels like pressure and sometimes in a paranoid state, I feel it's a form of control...to not hurt him because he loves me!
Feelings spiral out of control with depression, adding feelings is the worse thing to do for me. Hence I often do not want to speak to him, listen to him, have him touch and I avoid eye contact. I can want a hug so badly and yet as soon as he embraces me I suddenly feel and overthink it, feel suffocated (irrationally) and need to pull away just as desperately as I had wanted the hug. It's hard not to take depression personnally I know but it IS an illness.
Something for Lostboy to consider. It may be nothing like that for her, but felt an alternative view on the usual, reassure her you love her theme, as I really don't think the issue for her will be she feels unloved. Especially if he's been showing and telling her all along.
Sorry for the lengthy contribution. Hope it helps Good luck Lostboy, sounds like you need it!