He just told me he doesn't want to marry me!!

[xb2b]

Dp proposed in December. Bought me a beautiful ring. We have been together 5 years, have 2 children. Things are good, great i would say.
We chose a date, spoke to the priest, booked the church, viewed hotels, booked a reception. Ordered my dream dress with all accessories, looked in kilt hire shops for his outfits.
Chose flower girl outfits together, bought them. Had an engagement party, lots of family and friends. Asked the best man, bridesmaids. Told our parents.
Last night, he was in silence, went to bed early, when i went up i asked him what was up. He said, "i don't want to get married, i have been thinking and i am not ready, sorry" He then went onto saying he would LEAVE today. He hasn't went into work because he needs to pack. He hasn't started packing but will not speak to me at all.
Last night i asked why, he said " it's not you it's me"

What the hell? I am so confused. Things have been great i thought. I am so upset. I haven't slept, i can't eat. I have no one to talk to, he wont answer me.

I just told him his things will be in the garden tomorrow, he can collect them at his leisure. What a joke.
Dont know, my friend asked her DP if he knew anything about another woman or that and that is what he hold her. He said he said if he told me then he would split a family up.

Message withdrawn

Agree with Christiana -- while the need to take revenge is so tempting, you will need to talk to him at some stage about things like finances, contact with the children.

Don't lose your dignity for this jerk.

So sorry. It was an argument about the wedding initially and has snowballed into such a mess.

So sorry your thread as ended up like this. You seem to be handling things remarkably well.

The main thing is to try and keep your dignity - you are the better person here.

Can I come to your party

xb2b, so so sorry to read your sad (and maddening) story. But I have to say, you have been an inspiration to cheated on and messed about women everywhere in how sensible and strong you are being. Really impressed with how you are handling this. You are totally the better person in all this - honest and strong and doing your best for you and your kids. Really hope your next man is a man and not a weasel like this arsehole. Well done. And I admire you, I really do.

'Dont know, my friend asked her DP if he knew anything about another woman or that and that is what he hold her. He said he said if he told me then he would split a family up.'

The friend's DP isn't splitting the family up, your own partner is, entirely voluntarily.

I'm glad you didn't marry this sorry person.

You're worth much more than someone who can't be honest with you.

And so the shit-list grows.

Christ.

OK so, your time to cry has come it seems. This too shall pass (I repeated this cliched phrase to myself when I felt at my most mad - this too shall pass)

You are doing brilliantly - how awful that you are having to.

Thank God that he had the COURAGE to tell you that he is a worm before the wedding. Or maybe not?

Get yourself protected as soon as you can.

I remember so well that feeling of being OK all the time the children were there. Well, you've got to be. But I also remember the crash when they weren't. Come here or call a friend when that feeling comes.

Thinking of you.

OP,
I am amazed at the way you have handled this.There are so many dishearteneing threads where women put up with such a lot of shit from their dps.
You have been brilliant and totally sent out the message that he can not dick you around.
You have all my sympathy for what must be a truly crappy time. I hope you get all the support you need.

just want to echo how brilliantly your handling things Xb. your going to be alright - he on the other hand soooo isnt. keep on keeping on. wishing you much strength.

You are doing fabulously. Well done (but of course, if there comes a point when you feel awful and howl the place down there is no shame in that). Right now, two things to do: a) sort out the practicalities re finance and the house and b) which is more fun, make a mental inventory of all the times you let him get his own way to keep the peace, any times he farted or picked his nose or did anything else unromantic, any unfair or selfish behaviour... because there will be a good long list. People like him generally get away with selfish manipulation for a while because it's low-level and subtle but at bottom such people always trip up, those they have been manipulating always have a moment of realistaion - this person thinks they are more important than anyone else and will therefore not respect me or do right by me and can therefore sod off.

I'd also like to say I think you're incredible, the strength with which you're handling this.
Be good to yourself, beans on toast is not something to feel guilty about. Your son is lucky to have a mother like you.

What an utter knob.

Don't waste your energies giving him another thought. One good thing has come out of this and that is your ds. Don't worry for now about cooking - beans are good brain food! Also egg, pasta, anything that is easy.

Whereabouts are you? If you like, next week is half term and I'm not doing anything. I could come and visit, bring a bottle perhaps? Or maybe I could just take your ds out to the park with my two, give you a bit of space. Let me know.

It's all very well us saying that you are well rid, but you loved him I know. You were in love with a man you thought you knew. That's going to take a long time to heal. Please take care of yourself. This time next year things will look sweeter, I promise.

. .
hes a twat.

a super twat!

You have so much dignity.

What a rotten bastard

You sound as though you are doing amazingly well. Beans on toast is a totally acceptable meal - maybe not 7 nights a week, but fine - don't make yourself feel bad about it.

I hope that some people have come over to be with you this evening.

You're in a terrible place right now thanks to exdp - but the positive side is that you haven't married him. And I hope you can plan to have a really good party!

Sorry you're going through this, but you really sound well rid of him. I'm inclined to be messy, but we both work and my bloke knows if he doesn't like the mess he can tidy up. He also does his own ironing and can use the washing machine and cook.
If any bloke used a messy house as an excuse to leave me I'd consider myself well rid. I've no desire to be some bloke's domestic drudge.
Amazed your relationship has lasted this long if he's that much of a selfish pillock.
At least he's moved out, rather than staying in the house running you down and moaning about the mess.
It sounds as though he just wasn't the bloke you thought he was.

One thing maybe to learn from this is that in future relationships if you live with a bloke the appropriate response to seeing a full washing basket is to do a wash, not moan that the washing basket is full. All men should be able to wash and iron and I have no sympathy for women who let their men get off these duties and then moan they are doing everything (unless you're a rare woman who loves ironing or has obsessive routines re washing that no sane person could/would emulate.)

2rebecca, have you read the posts about his drug-taking and a girl called Alice?

deep breath dont marry him.take this as a wake up call for you a warning of his fuckwittedness.no marriage until you get adequate explanations

and tbh,marriage is not the issue here.that is a red herring.issue is his insouciant fuck you attitude.and unwillingness to talk

time for big thinking and questions

what do you want to do now
things will never be same again.this is cataclysmic
dont allow him ti issue empty threats either he goes as per threat or he stays and works things like an adult
would you both go for relate etc
can you remain as co-habitees and work this out
if you split what will you do with the children,your relationship etc

let friends,family support you.

I saw a post saying he had taken 1 pill at a party. That doesn't make him a "drug taker" in my books. The poster has lived with the guy for a while and wanted to marry him so I presume drug taking wasn't an issue.
It sounds as though Alice may or may not be involved here, but some woman somewhere probably is.
I agree the messy house excuse won't be the reason he left, but I'm amazed it occurred to him to use it, which makes me suspect the poster has been letting him off housework if he saw it as totally her problem.

"I have no sympathy for women who let their men get off these duties"

"suspect the poster has been letting him off housework if he saw it as totally her problem"

Hang on, so his crapness is, in a roundabout way, her fault because she allowed it? And on those grounds, you withhold your sympathy from a woman in the OP's situation? Er, OK.

OP, haven't posted before but have been following this and hope you are coping. It would be entirely normal if you started to feel that you weren't, but hang in there; you will get through the worst. Hope you can get some help and emotional back-up in RL as well as continuing to turn to MN.

The housework was an excuse. He was having a fling with Alice, didn't want to admit to it and this was the only pathetic excuse he could come up with for cancelling the wedding and walking out on his family.

The housework is a red herring, the OP said before that they have been together 5 years, were very happy, he's never moaned before.

Re. the drug taking - it's not so much that he took drugs (probably ecstasy btw) but that he kept it a secret from her. When I was first going out with dh he went to a wedding (without me as we were only just an item then and I hadn't been invited) and he, the groom and some friends took some crack to keep them going.

He was honest enough to tell me even though he knew I disapproved of drugs. It was a sign of his commitment I thought, that he opened up to me, knowing full well what my reaction would be.

OP - I'm still willing to come next week, I can take the kids out for you, give you a bit of time to yourself. Or do your shopping, whatever.

Rhubarb, thank you so much. How kind of you! I am up in Scotland though I can't believe how kind everyone has been.
I had some girlfriends over last night so had a good chance to reflect. Got a bit drunk too. Feel okay this morning. He woke me up chapping the door early to say he would like to stay the night and take the kids as he has no where to take them, i said fine but i will be out.

He said it is my choice now, i give him time on his own or it is my fault the family splits. knob. why put this on me? where did his responsibilities go? bastard.

My flowers came this morning. Customized bouquets for me, my bridesmaids and my flower girls, they are beautiful, roses and crystals. Don't really know what to do with them, but am glad my friend (one of the bridesmaids) was here when i opened the box.

I think i will get a hair cut today. A totally new one, and maybe a dye. New image.

I don't know what to say to the person who said i deserved this, i didn't, i'm not a bad person. I have no enemies, i have lots of friends, i didn't deserve this. Our house is always tidy and clean. I get up before my dc's to make sure it is done. It is just the washing with a new body that has been catching up on me, there is no where to dry all the extra since having a baby. It is an excuse anyway, a cowardly excuse because although he was very brave calling the whole thing off, he doesn't have the balls to tell me straight why. But hey, if this does ever happen to you, i know you will understand.

I can't thank you all enough,

were you supposed to be getting married TODAY?? with flowers arriving.....

good grief,take no more from this man...

good idea about the haircut too....new image will freak him out