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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just told me he doesn't want to marry me!!

301 replies

xb2b · 11/02/2010 13:49

Dp proposed in December. Bought me a beautiful ring. We have been together 5 years, have 2 children. Things are good, great i would say.
We chose a date, spoke to the priest, booked the church, viewed hotels, booked a reception. Ordered my dream dress with all accessories, looked in kilt hire shops for his outfits.
Chose flower girl outfits together, bought them. Had an engagement party, lots of family and friends. Asked the best man, bridesmaids. Told our parents.
Last night, he was in silence, went to bed early, when i went up i asked him what was up. He said, "i don't want to get married, i have been thinking and i am not ready, sorry" He then went onto saying he would LEAVE today. He hasn't went into work because he needs to pack. He hasn't started packing but will not speak to me at all.
Last night i asked why, he said " it's not you it's me"

What the hell? I am so confused. Things have been great i thought. I am so upset. I haven't slept, i can't eat. I have no one to talk to, he wont answer me.

OP posts:
Original poster
xb2b · 12/02/2010 17:26

I dunno shiney, i spent all last night crying, and i have a 2 year old sitting watching Handy Manny to my right. I don't want to break down in front of him.
I have just updated my FB using gagas first line.

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 12/02/2010 17:27

It must be so painful now but one day you can look back on this and see you've had a lucky escape.

RumourOfAHurricane · 12/02/2010 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 12/02/2010 17:30

He's cheating on you. But instead of having the decency to tell you that, he tries to blame his leaving on you and your 'faults'.

He's a mother fucking cock.

Glad you told him to just piss off.

You don't need two weeks when you have the rest of your life to live without pondscum like this in your life.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 12/02/2010 17:35

So stupid he texts you instead of her.

You are well rid.

Original poster
xb2b · 12/02/2010 17:38

I'm not trying to be too strong? I dont think anyway, i am just waiting till my ds is in bed..I don't want to upset him any more than he will be when his daddy doesn't come back.
I have no one now. My friends are at work, but coming down afterwards, my sister has her dd at dancing but is coming in straight away when she gets home, my own parents are at work till 8.

OP posts:
KnottyLocks · 12/02/2010 17:38

Oh what a cowardly git.

I know you may not believe it now but it is possible to have a happier life without him.

His behaviour and what he said are almost identical to what I experienced years ago, except we didn't have DCs. At the time I felt like the world was ending and that I had wasted six years.

Now I look at it as a learning experience because it made me appreciate the wonderful man I met 2 years later who is now my DH and father of my 2 DSs.

My cowardly git married his 'lady'. Now divorced .

Quite frankly, you too deserve better and deserve to be treated with respect.

heQet · 12/02/2010 17:41

Make sure everyone knows why he's gone. don't let him tell them his great big load of bullshit.

What a cowardly bastard.

I admire your courage and the respect you have for yourself to take control and say you know what, I'LL decide what's happening - piss off, rather than let him do that bloody insulting 'take 2 weeks to decide whether I want you' crap. I mean - who the fuck does he think he is? You were supposed to hang around, and what? fall down to your knees and thank the lord if he came back at the end of it and said Yes, I have decided to continue to bless you with my presence.

Cock.

expatinscotland · 12/02/2010 17:48

I'd put it on Facebook:

He said he was leaving because I didn't keep the house tidy enough and the washing basket empty, but I think her name is Alice . . . watch this space.

MmeLindt · 12/02/2010 17:49

What a twat.

lol at Who the fuck is Alice.

BalloonSlayer · 12/02/2010 17:54

to hear this xb

I posted my story earlier on. I do wish I had had confirmation of my ex's other woman, then I would have known what he was like, instead of thinking it was me, and not married the tosser. You are* well rid.

(*My ex's "crush" was on the sister of his business partner. The business partner did not come to our wedding on the flimsiest of excuses. I was sad and bewildered - I thought it was because he didn't like me. I realise now it was more likely that he knew ex had been shagging his sister and couldn't bear the deception and didn't want any part of it.)

Lizzylou · 12/02/2010 17:54

Oh God, you poor thing.
He has behaved appallingly, making out it's all your fault for not keeping house nicely when all the time.....
What a twat.

Glad you have some support for later, you sound very strong, and well rid.

Loving Expat's FB status update

piratecat · 12/02/2010 17:56

what a feckin cliche, grrrrrrr.

sorry op.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 12/02/2010 18:05

God this man is a twat. Why can't people ever come clean about the real reason they are leaving? There is always an OW in these situations.

I wouldn't have thought Alice's parents will be too happy about her taking up with an engaged father of two and it's up to you whether you inform them of what their little princess has been up to. My goal in these situations is to get the man dumped by both females - worth thinking about OP.

Original poster
xb2b · 12/02/2010 18:05

Just made my ds beans and toast for dinner. I feel terrible, this isn't his fault but i cant handle cooking the now.
He is a shite! His said he was going to his mums, and my friend just text me saying he has went up there to see her dp.

OP posts:
Original poster
xb2b · 12/02/2010 18:07

I dont know her though, i just know her name and that is all. I deleted her number after she text me. I cant find her on fb cause there are lots of people with her name and i have no clue what she looks like.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 12/02/2010 18:22

I dunno, where's the point in knackering yourself over it & extending the damage? Alice'll find out what she's stuck with soon enough, anyway.

I'm sure there will be PLENTY to discuss with your mates & sister, xb2b. Glad they're going to be there for you! It doesn't look very likely that he'll have made generous provision for your DCs, so you will need to sort all that out with the CSA, get your home put in your name only, see if you qualify for any help with your rent/mortgage and so on.

If you've already paid out for your reception, I seriously would consider keeping your booking! You and the kids deserve a damn good party, don't you?

Take care Drink too much. Take tomorrow off! xx

expatinscotland · 12/02/2010 18:28

Don't need to find her on FB.

Just update your status: He said he was leaving us because I didn't keep the house tidy and the washing basket wasn't empty enough. He said he was going to his mum's. The only thing that's true is her name is Alice.

Don't let him get away with making out it's your fault when he doesn't even have teh balls to tell you the truth.

LOSER.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/02/2010 18:33

What a shit he is! You are so plainly millions of times better than him that it's almost laughable. You will get through this and move on to much much better things.

Oh god don't worry about beans on toast, it's quite good for him. Better than a packet of wotsits anyway!

Original poster
xb2b · 12/02/2010 18:41

Okay.. my friend just told me that her dp has told her that he has been taking drugs!!! He saw him take a pill and something white that was in a clear packet with a shadow of a naked woman on the side at OUR ENGAGEMENT PARTY. My dp/xdp made him promise not to tell me and said if he did tell me then he would be responsible for splitting us up.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/02/2010 18:47

Wow, it gets better and better. Some kind of viagra substitute?

Isn't is lovely for him how everyone else is responsible for his life, except him? Must make each day a breeze

tartyhighheels · 12/02/2010 18:54

oh my goodness the plot thickens doesn't it - even more proof that this has absolutely nothing to do with you.

The excuses he is coming up with, even if he is having some sort of relationship with alice. are extraordinary, just really mental and not in the real world at all so perhaps there is a drug problem at the route of this. Why would anyone take a risk like popping pills at their own engagement party - sounds to me as if he wanted to be caught

Keep your chin up sweetheart, My kids have beans on toast quite often and I am not even distressed.

You are handling this with remarkable dignity.

paisleyleaf · 12/02/2010 18:58

Well perhaps with the drugs he's not been thinking straight.
He might look back on this and be very sorry.
And if it is drugs, there's no point in you taking any blame or feeling bad, and there's not really much you can do.
It's a blessing this has come up before you married.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 12/02/2010 18:58

xb how awful, you're doing really well considering what you're finding out here. Does your friend's DP know more do you think?

ginnny · 12/02/2010 19:12

Two weeks to think - MY ARSE!!!
Two weeks to keep his options open, two weeks to spend trying things out with Alice while you are at home waiting patiently for him to decide which one of you he wants.
Chuck all his stuff out, change the locks and tell everyone what an arse he is.
Fucking Men !!!!!