The almost interesting saga of the almost-OM update

[HesterPrynne]

Sorry, I had hoped to come back before the original thread disappeared off the first page, but then... nada.

As you may remember I had emailed a local counsellor, but H persuaded me not to make an appointment, but to save, money and neuroses, for Relate, which he absolutely promised to arrange.

So far nothing's happened... "I've been too busy, will do it tomorrow." "They're not answering the phone/email" "They said I had to confirm the date (poss this Wed) with you, now they're not answering again," are a selection of the excuses I have been given.

Now even asking about it causes snappiness and sulks.

I'm really tempted to say, if we're not in a conversation with a third party by Wednesday night, then that's it - you'll have confirmed our marriage is not your priority.

Can't decide if that's a fair ultimatum or not.

Still trying hard to keep almost-OM at more than arms length, but its so difficult when things are so tense at home.

And although I haven't come completely clean, I have told H that my vows are under considerable strain, but my intention is to make our marriage work if he'll work with me. No real sign of that yet, though

OK, ladies - one couch each. In my consulting rooms, these are dark blue velvet chaise longue and very comfortable. I have William Morris dark wallpaper and lots of books. The enormous Georgian windows let in the light and there are pot plants everywhere. There are some silk throws with patterns of peacock feathers on in beautiful Liberty-esque colours in case you feel the need for cover and some very comfortable cushions.

Hester - of course you didn't share with H. Your mood was lightened so you wanted to share it with the person who has most recently made you happy. That, sadly, is not DH. It doesn't make the clarity or feeling of illumination wrong or irrelevant. You're still taking steps, you're not running towards the finishing line just yet. And who knows what that line will look like?

mrsh - I asked Hester what her desired outcome would be... What's yours? Are you working towards something you don't really want? Or, are you just taking a little blippy detour?

I so wish I could help you both.

Red or white? Or something stronger?

Although I am actually drinking Lucozade and wondering if DD (who fell asleep on way home from nursery in car and is sleeping in my bed, as usual) is going to wake up...

You were not a bossy mare. Do I have to get Belle back with that whip.

We both know what the right thing to do is because we're both intelligent women, but knowing and doing don't seem to come in the same package for me, and I suspect you, these days.

I, for instance know that the response I got from AOM, which made me feel even happier, would not have been matched by H.
H would have found a way, completely unconsciously, of bringing me down. Now why would a sane person chose the latter option. A wise one might, but I'm not that strong.

Will there be any other repercussions for you, apart from feeling awful. Now the wall of silence has been breached can you build it up again

Is today's thought the difference between intellect and instinct/emotion.

Didn't you both do what you instinctively knew would make you happy in that moment? But, in both cases, it is done. Please be kind to yourselves, please. Do it for my very selfish desire for you both to be as gentle to yourselves as you are to each other and to me.

If not, it's "katush" for you both (I may name change )

Although someone is bound to think it's an Americanism - ka tush or something.

And someone already has katush so I'm using this one for now...

Like the new name! Was Ms Whiplash taken?

Oooh, hadn't thought of that. I'm having a Doris Day theme this evening (although I look more like whoever played opposite her in Calamity Jane as am brunette).

mrsh - so, so sad. I was going to say that having him so close must be so bittersweet but, actually, it must be torture.

And, have just realised that I have chosen the musical from which "Once I Had A Secret Love" comes. Bloody smartarsed subconscious.

It is torture. Horrible. I told him that he'll have to move

But if he did, I'd be gutted

Jane Russell, was it? She was hot!

God, I love that song. I go goosepimply when she sings "Now I shout it from the highest hills..."

I love Doris Day. I get the impression there was a rampant soul under the dirndls.

Didn't Jeff Buckley do a version of that? Or someone similar?

Couldn't resist Calam

I was going to say I'm more Jane Russell but realised that was a bit optimistic!! Can't remember who it was in Calamity Jane but that type...

I am like that only shorter. I'm hourglassy with long dark hair (chemically assisted these days).

I'm jealous now, I want a new name too, but can't be arsed to think of one - which just about sums me up at the moment

Sorry Belle/whipcrack I xposted with your couches scene. I see what you mean, but its like my hangover this morning, all the fun wiped out by the after-effects.

It is heart/head; intellect/emotion. Maybe we've been blessed with too much of both, so not one ever wins outright, and we pull ourselves apart from the inside trying to square the circle.

Or maybe we're just selfish besums who want it all.

You two type too quickly, I'm getting left way behind here. Wait for me...

Oh ladies. I'm a little emotional/hormonal today so forgive me. Tomorrow (or more likely on Sunday) I will cringe as I remember being so "vulnerable" (to use therapy speak). Here goes. I love talking to you both. I love that I can wander off into daft Doris Day territory and you're both there with me. I love that we all have all sorts of crap going on but none of lose our senses of humour or our desire to help each other even while being impatient with ourselves for what we see as weakness in ourselves but understandable and forgivable in everyone else.

I wish we all lived in a lovely village somewhere and could at least meet in mrsh's lovely kitchen for tea/coffee and cake (I love to bake). Or course, if I'm off in fantasy land, we can all three of us have what/who we want. I'd still want to chat with you both though.

This is mad but I feel like I can really be myself here on our safe little thread...

You can tell I'm tired - the grammatical errors in that post are shocking!

I know what you mean, Belle, it's great isn't it?

I'd love to bake you both brownies and supply endless pots of tea...

Maybe one day.

OK. You've got my full attention now, as boy is in bed, and the distracted emails have stopped coming, which is good because they're bad.

Would you be disappointed if I brought my own flapjacks or boiled fruit cake, with egg, as I don't do chocolate.

I love baking too, but even that's getting fraught now, cos I sneak some out for you know who and it feels like an even worse betrayal than anything else. But he's so pleased when he gets some cake, whereas everyone here takes everything for granted. So mum/wife bakes, they don't even realise how good I am!

I love being on here, too, but it feels sort of slightly exhibitionisty if I allow myself to remember it's a public forum.

I don't really remember exactly what happened or was said, but I actually felt as if something was lifted from my chest. That I could breathe properly. And I think it had something to do with not expecting H to be everything to me and therefore disappointed when he's not

When you're both best selling authors and I'm interviewing you for my literary magazine that I've started with my lottery millions...

Hester - writes the most successful romance of the year (and quickly sells the film rights). It's about an unappreciated lady who realises that her romantic soul needs more than it's currently getting. She discovers an untapped artist within and begins to express herself through her work - be that writing or painting or whatever. Once she starts, she can't help but create masterpieces and her husband and AOM both realise the wonder of the woman within and are determined to win her hand. Only hester our heroine can decide who will fulfil her in the end.

mrsh - writes a novel set in revolutionary Russia. Her brooding Russion hero becomes the new Mr Darcy as, despite his proletariat roots, he loses his heart to Countess Tatiana and rescues her from a baying mob in St Petersburg(presumably bearing pitchforks but why do they need those in a city anyway?). Fleeing from his Red/White (whichever) Army colleagues who feel he has betrayed them all (can't work out why just yet) and by the Countess's angry husband, they flee Russia and make a new life in France. But will they ever be able to live without fear of discover?

I think maybe I expect him to understand me totally, but he doesn't because he can't, not because he doesn't want to.

AOM appears to understand, and like you I feel complete with him, but he's playing a completely different role than H has to. I'm his escape from reality too.

But what I do know, is a lot of what we talk about here, and we covered last night, is the sort of stuff I discuss with AOM. So if I had more RL friends, maybe my need for him would diminish.

The stuff Belle was saying about being able to start talking Calamity Jane with impunity, is the sort of thing that AOM and I do with long, pointless, but very funny emails/texts in a similar vein. Something I have never done with H. He makes me laugh, when I'm not crying

Getting a grip and returning to reality.

Feeling a bit torn about not expecting H to be everything. I think your friend is right - no-one could fulfil that. Having said that, do you think you did/do expect that of H? It's not the impression I get from here.

I'm going to start writing it right away, but I'll have to sort out my tendency to use feeble metaphors and analogies.