he's left me

[fallingtopieces]

namechanger here, lavenderrr, glass plates, red rug, judge flounce etc etc

my dp of 5 years left me today.
Things had been a bit iffy for 2-3 months, not communicating, taking each other for granted etc. I've not had much of a sex drive for a long time so that had kind of been crap too.. maybe once a month or so but I spent three weeks in hospital for an illness and now I have energy, am healthy, our sex life has been fantastic etc etc

About 3 weeks ago he was very down and told me he needed some time out alone to think things over and that he would stay at his parents. he never went and things would improve for a few days and then he'd get down and moody again. He was going to stay the odd night at his parents and seemed to come back rejuvenated from that.

On Monday, something made me look at his pc history and I saw he'd been looking at a woman on facebook a lot, a bit more digging and I discovered that rather than being at his parents he was staying nights with her.

I confrtonted him and he said that he had ended it with her and realised it was me he wanted all along and that we could fix things etc etc. I agreed to this because I can see that I have some responsibility for our problems too and I love him.

So this week has been difficult, I've been hurt and angry and he's been very sorry and reassured me that he loves me, even talked about our getting married and stuff like that.

then last night she sent him a long email saying she'd fallen for him and all kinds of stuff including that she knew they had no future because he kept talking and thinking about me, and since then he turned very hostile to me and is dragging up arguments and rows from years and years ago and trying to make it all my fault.

He went to work this morning still saying he loves me and wants us to work things out and then he came home and hour ago, packed a bag and left, saying that he's going to stay at his parents to think things ovre - that he needs time alone and won't be seeing her either and will call me from there to prove it, but I saw a message from him to her that he's going to meet her.

She works at the same place as him, although in a different building.

he said that if I make any kind of contact with him then I will never see or hear from again.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is thumping, I cant stop shaking, I feel sick and almost like someone's died.

search the boards for whenwillifeelnormal , that should keep you busy
so much sound advice, im sure you will pick up some pearls/guidance there.
just to echo what the others have said, keep strong, look out for number one.
let him prove that its you he wants and not an easy option.

my best for today x

ok.. I caved in and answered his call. I said you talk, I'll listen.

He loves me, thinks of me every second from he opens his eyes til he falls asleep etc etc etc

Now for the good part.. he wants to let her down gently and needs my help to do it. He wants me to email her in a few days and tell her that he and I have talked and we're going to make a go of things!!!! I told him that if he's serious he has to man up and do it himself and that his actions will speak louder than any bullshit words he can come out with now.

Stay strong, you are amazing, really you are, you deserve someone who changes their mind more often than their boxers!

This is the dip on the way to bigger and better things for you. x

he is still trying it with her.
he wants YOU to end it for him. That way he can always go back to her and say "look, it wasnt me, it was my wife".
he has more concerns for her fealings, than your fealings. He wants to let her down gently, but YOU? What has he been doing to you?

I am sorry, I know you have a history together, but you would be a fool (sorry) to take him back now, the way he has behaved. And wtf is up with "you are forcing me to chose before I am ready". Like the choice was only his?

What are you going to do?

You deserve better* than someone who..

I'm going to watch and see what unfolds over the next few days.

I can't see things working out with he and I ever again but if he's serious he knows what he has to do and he'll do it. If he does, then I'll review.

Thanks all, I will keep posting, don't abandon me cos you're my backbone at the moment!!!

'He loves me, thinks of me every second from he opens his eyes til he falls asleep etc etc etc '

If that were true would he have treated you the way he did? Do you really want to go through this every time someone turns his eye?

Deep down you know what he is doing, don't you?

Change is hard especially when it is sprung on you, he isn't who you thought he was though is he? not if he can treat you the way he has then ignore it and expect you to roll over and play nice!

Yes I know WD.. he's not who he was and never will be again, that's why I have such doubts about things working out between us.

I am intrigued tho to see if he really means it, which is why I haven't fucked him right off yet, but he will have to work very very hard to get anywhere with me now.

"He wants me to email her in a few days and tell her that he and I have talked and we're going to make a go of things!!!! "

Honestly... you need a man to your side not a boy who needs a mum to get him out of problems of his own creation.

Get rid. This is just the beginning of many things to come.

And why in a few days? why not now? Why cant HE email her right now?

does he have anywhere to stay if she kicks him out? he sounds like he's keeping his options open. what he is scared of most is being alone, so he is testing you to see if you will take him back, only when he knows that for sure will he let her go completely, but you can't do that to yourself. My H was terrified that I was out for revenge and that I was going to pretend it was all ok and then dump him, I think a part of him still thinks that now. Just tell him in no uncertain terms, you will not be fucked about again, if he wants you then he'll have to work really hard to prove it and do his own bloody dirty work, your not his mother who wipes his arse when he messes up.

To be honest, if he really wanted you, he would be bricking it from the moment you chucked him out, and he would be too scared to go to HER FLAT, or keep texting her, in case you discovered it.

It is only words, and no action.

I honestly think you should tell him that you no longer want him back and it isn't any longer decision for HIM to make. Then you should take the sim card from your phone and replace it with a new one that he doesn't have the number for.

Like so many others I have also been a similar situation (pre-children) and you have to continue to be strong and put yourself in control. The advice to carry on living as if he isn't coming back is one I'd like to echo.

If he really wants to come back to you he will in his own time (mine did) but we both learned a lot about me during the time we were apart - I am so much stronger than I ever imagined I could be, and so are you.

Take care of yourself x

falling - please, please, please read this entire thread from start to finish. He isn't worth any more of your time or love. He is a prize wanker who is treating you like a mug, and to be honest, right now, you are acting like one!

Kick him to the curb - you deserve much, much, much better than all of this frigging around.

Very brief message here, summarised by one word; "Don't"

This man is a child, has an innate dislike of women and sees you as his mother.

Hi falling, have just finished reading the whole thread. Good God, I don't think I've ever read such a rollercoaster drama. This guy is completely taking the piss, I know you love the bloke he was, but this person (notice I can't call him a man?!) has zero respect for you, OW or himself (but who gives a fuck about that?).

The thing that jumped out at me was all the efforts he made to allow you to trust him, getting you to call his parents to prove he was there, calling her in front of you so you'd know he'd said it was over. These attempts are laughable, they're always followed by him going back to her.

He has no reason to choose, while he's able to lead you such a merry dance.

I'm afraid he's making a fool of you, and noone deserves that!

You're all absolutely right!!!

I don't know what I was thinking earlier.. god I am a fool.

There hasn't been any further communication from him as yet.

Don't be too hard on yourself - you're not a fool you just have someone messing with your head. There are times when you will be strong and times when you will feel weak and vulnerable. It feels so much better to be stronger so stay that way.

I've told him to piss off and pointed out that he wasn't man enough to take the responsibility of the decision on himself.

Right now I feel pretty strong and I hope it lasts :/

Good good good.

Seems to me he wants to keep you both on. It's an ego boost though he will dress it up as some 'in love with two people at the same time' drama.

Some people think their life story is some kind of novel -they of course are the romantic hero.

An earlier poster was right in pointing out that getting you to email ow leaves him free to say it was all your idea, so he can keep seeing you both.

You are far too good for this loser. Get rid.

Job done, he's history.

Also sent her all his begging and pleading from today too.

I feel gooood!!! I've managed to eat a bit, my mind feels at peace - I just hope I carry on feeling this good.

thanks everyone soo much, please carry on being my backbone xx

good on you , you deserve so much better than this twat , stay strong x

Well done I bet it felt great to send her his grovelling texts/emails I went through a very difficult time with dh two years ago when I discovered (on Valentines Day) that he'd been unfaithful for about a year. Amazingly we have been able to stay together but only after a lot of work from him (and effort to forgive on my part). However, any more cheating and he is so O U T of my life.

I can't beleive I nearly fell for his crap, but as someone further up said, he's created this in love with two women scenario and I'm not going to be part of that sort of shite.

I put this message with all the stuff I forwarded XXXX is my name, lol

You're welcome to him my darling and I wish you luck because you'll always wonder if he's really yours or only with you because I put an end to things and you're a better alternative to being alone. You'll always be wondering when he goes out, is he really where he says he is or is he trying to be with XXXX? When you're 'making love' will he be wishing it were XXXX? Sitting on the sofa watching tv, is he really watching tv or is he thinking about XXXX?

I hope you can live with the knowledge that you'll always be second best.

Regards