he's left me

[fallingtopieces]

namechanger here, lavenderrr, glass plates, red rug, judge flounce etc etc

my dp of 5 years left me today.
Things had been a bit iffy for 2-3 months, not communicating, taking each other for granted etc. I've not had much of a sex drive for a long time so that had kind of been crap too.. maybe once a month or so but I spent three weeks in hospital for an illness and now I have energy, am healthy, our sex life has been fantastic etc etc

About 3 weeks ago he was very down and told me he needed some time out alone to think things over and that he would stay at his parents. he never went and things would improve for a few days and then he'd get down and moody again. He was going to stay the odd night at his parents and seemed to come back rejuvenated from that.

On Monday, something made me look at his pc history and I saw he'd been looking at a woman on facebook a lot, a bit more digging and I discovered that rather than being at his parents he was staying nights with her.

I confrtonted him and he said that he had ended it with her and realised it was me he wanted all along and that we could fix things etc etc. I agreed to this because I can see that I have some responsibility for our problems too and I love him.

So this week has been difficult, I've been hurt and angry and he's been very sorry and reassured me that he loves me, even talked about our getting married and stuff like that.

then last night she sent him a long email saying she'd fallen for him and all kinds of stuff including that she knew they had no future because he kept talking and thinking about me, and since then he turned very hostile to me and is dragging up arguments and rows from years and years ago and trying to make it all my fault.

He went to work this morning still saying he loves me and wants us to work things out and then he came home and hour ago, packed a bag and left, saying that he's going to stay at his parents to think things ovre - that he needs time alone and won't be seeing her either and will call me from there to prove it, but I saw a message from him to her that he's going to meet her.

She works at the same place as him, although in a different building.

he said that if I make any kind of contact with him then I will never see or hear from again.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is thumping, I cant stop shaking, I feel sick and almost like someone's died.

Oh sweetheart, that is so awful.

I can't offer you any advice at the moment, but I'm sure someone else will come along soon. Just didn't want your post to go unanswered.

xxxx

thank you

Hi fallingtopieces, you sound like such a loving and caring person and I cannot help but feel anger at your dp.

Instead of just being honest with you and telling you that it is over, he turns it around to make as if it is your fault - the cheek of it .

I know you love him, but sometimes love just isn't enough - he has treated you with such disrespect and has shown complete indifference to your needs and feelings - he treats you like you are a fool and I am sorry to say, but you are allowing him to do it.

You deserve to have a partner who will love you, make you his FIRST priority and who will protect you from any hurt. He has betrayed your trust more than once and he does not deserve to be with you.

Believe me, I have been where you are now and it is shite x 1000, but you will only feel like this for a short while and then the relief will set in.

If he comes back to you, after his alleged visit to his parents and tells you that he has chosen you, then know one thing - the OW has told him to go lost, because she most probably gave him an ultimatum and has put pressure on him too - if you take him back, you will prove to him that he can treat you like a piece of dog poo stuck under his shoe and you will just accept it, because you love him so much and nothing will stop him from doing it again.

For goodness sake, this man dipped his dick into some other chick while he was sharing your bed - I think it is time to get mad, really really mad.

Oh my love.

He's a weak coward. Threatening that if you contact him then it's over? Then it's your fault isn't it? You're the reason he left?

He wants you to make the decision for him.

I understand that it's a 5yr relationship and you want to save it and that's not a bad thing. But he has to want to save it too. And from the point that he said he wanted you and had made the decision, his actions should have proved that. They didn't. He continued to lie and communicate with the OW. That's not the actions of a man fighting for his relationship.

He is behaving atrociously.

I think it will help you to make some decisions yourself here. I suggest it's you that needs time to do some thinking, not him.

I'm so terribly sorry. It hurts but it's not your fault, that I promise you.

Thank you Nina

I can't even cry at the moment. He said he got hooked on the adrenalin rush and the attention, that she made him feel like the only person in the world, shit like that.

I'm driivn gmyself nuts, i set up a filter on his email so it forwards everything to me so i can see whats going on even if he changes passwords.

he gave me the passwords btw so i cold chekc up on him if i felt i wanted or needed to. I also keep looking at the mobile phone account to see if he's rang or texted her. its really shit isn't it - im just sitting here refreshing pages, pathetic, but i can't bear the thought o fseeing anyone or telling anyone atm so i dont want company yet and iv got nothing else to do

fallingtopieces, my DH did exactly the same to me 10 months ago and you have to get mad. My DH told me he was staying with mates to get his "space" when in fact he was with OW - absolutely appalling behaviour. Before I knew what he was up to I was distraught, couldn't sleep, lost weight, couldn't function etc. When I found out I was so mad he was lucky I didn't have a golf club to hand !!!!!

I made him collect all his stuff and I watched as he stuffed it all in bin bags, I made him give me his house key, I made an appointment with a solicitor (and let him know) and I made an appointment for myself at Relate (recommended by solicitor as I was in such a state).

ATM he has all the control, you need to take that back from him and let him know you are getting on with your life and he is not going to break you (hard I know when you are feeling like this). I went out and got a new hair style and highlights, an obvious one but it made me feel good and sent him a message, also treated myself to some new clothes and let him know I was going out in the evening.

Take care and stay strong. If he wants to come back and wants to back things work, then he dances to your tune.

he is acting like a shitbag, and making you into a crazy woman (which is fair enough, btw, it's only just happened). write a list of what you want to do in the next ten years of your life, now that you are fit and healthy, and see if he fits into those plans.

Thankyou SOH

I know you're right but he did all the right things, dumped her in fromt of me, deleted all her contact details etc etc - it was SHE who contacted him last night and stirred it all up again.

the message between him and her today was you ok? she said i think so - so maybe it means he told her to leave him alone too - he's such an arse that he tries to soften the blows and just mkes it al worse

We'd had such a lovely day yesterday, almost like honeymooners again

draw a line, make him make big changes, new job if necessary. he had an AFFAIR, that's not good. if he wanted a better sex life he should have said this to you, not gone shagging someone else. get pissed off.

thankyou countingto10 and aitch

I can't seem to get angry at all - I did when i found out the other day but now just...... nothing

she even looks just like me

oh mate I am sorry

You poor love.

Why do men do this to the women they claim to love?

He is behaving is a thoughtless and frankly cruel way.

Have you got anyone you can share this with in real life? It might help to talk it over?

It's the five stages of grieving, denial and anger are a couple of them. Believe me, I didn't stay in denial long .....

The OW will play every trick in the book to keep him (ultimatums, offering sex (mine did to keep the relationship going) and my contacting him she's doing it already. My DH stayed with his mum for about six weeks after he left OW but it took him about 4 weeks ti sever all contact with her - but he was adamant that the relationship was over - the sex offer was her last parting shot WTF ! Even he couldn't believe that one.

I know it's hard but if possible do not contact him, let him stew a bit, make him think you are managing just fine, act cool is possible. Make him start to question your loyalty to him.

Try and tell someone in RL too, I needed a lot of support when this happened to me. Even now I struggle with what my DH put me through during that time, it has been one of the hardest things to forgive.

ah they often do look like the wife
odd eh?
"but they love me for who i am"

yes ok piss off

do i know you? if so can email a heartening story

I don't want to tell anyone, they'l tell me to dump him and i want to wait a bit and see what happens

i know im being pathetic but right now i can't help it

thanks everyone, please keep posting, it's really helping me feel less alone

Hi,

I know exactly how your feeling. I wish there was something i could tell you to stop the pain immediately but i cant. My dh had an affair just over 4 years ago. Like you we hadnt been getting along great, i was exhausted having 5 kids at the time youngest being 7 months, very low sex drive etc.

I went for a bath 1 night and when i came down he'd gone just like that. Took me 5 weeks to find him. Living with someone else. I had a breakdown. I dont know how i got through the days. But i was lucky i had wonderful family and a very good friend.

But for 8 months after i had him tell me he wanted me he'd come visit then disappear again. It was such a rollercoaster of emotions. I could barely deal with the day to day sof the kids and my parents had them every weekend for 2 months till i got myself sorted.

I was angry and raw. I remember wailing like a banshee. I never thought pain like it could be possible. I lost 3 stone in 4 weeks because i couldnt eat.

But after 1 too many times of him telling me he was living with his mum and then finding him with her again i snapped. And i walked away from him in the street and didnt look back. And it was so hard. I spent weeks hiding my phone to stop myself from calling or texting him. I jumped heart going mad whenever it beeped. So i brought another phone, gave all my friends the new number but not him. And i never stored his number and day by day it got easier.

At the moment you fiance is having the best of both. His obviously struggled with it though which is why he kept going. But please keep busy. Do you have good friends you can talk to? Try and be either talking to friends on the phone or actually in their company. It really does help to be with someone otherwise you will torture yourself with thoughts if your alone. Im sorry there is no quick solution. But it WILL get better.

My dh and i did get back together. It wasnt plain sailing and at times i have felt like giving up but we went on to have a beautiful dd together. And if anything we are stronger now than we ever was.

But the best piece of advice my dad gave to me was " live your life as if his not going to come back. And if he does then great i hope it works out. But if he doesnt you will have made a whole new wonderful life and you might not even want him back" . And i took his advice and i even dated. And it worked i was happy and when he eventually came to his senses and realised he wanted our family. I was ready to forgive and move on. But i was also strong enough that i thought if he goes again so be it me and the kids will be just fine.

I promise you you will come through this with or without him.

If you want to talk more contact me x

FTP, I can't remember who posted about the fact that it should be you who needs to have space to think about what you want now, but it reminded me of a brilliant song called "Need a Little Time" by The Beautiful South. When you feel strong enough, listen to it and see how the story pans out...

You are feeling really shit, rightly, but you are the strong one and the one who should hold their head up high. I think everyone on here would absolutely agree that he doesn't deserve your heart.

Don't let him put you through it anymore. You deserve so much more sweetheart.

Yes friends and family will tell you to dump him but thats mainly comes out from the shock of what they have just heard. Once that passes in oh say a minute they will want to do everything they can to support you.

I didnt tell anyone for 3 weeks. I was a robot on auto pilot. But you need support. Because after the numbness goes away it hits home fast.

thank u
the tears are starting now
i cant bear it

but what can anyone do to help if i tell them
i jsut wnwat him to comehome

My first thought here is, who the hell does he think he is? He is the one who has acted like a twat and then he threatens you with never seeing or hearing from him again.

I would be saying to him, "I have contacted you because if that's your attitude after all you have done to me then I don't want to ever see or hear from you again anyway. Bye."

And as much as anything else, alot of the hurt you are feeling right now is pride. It's extra shit to be the one appearing to be getting dumped. Turn the tables on him. Get a bit of self respect back.

Oh you poor love. It is so bloody painful and shocking. Just take things one minute and hour and day at a time. Just do whatever you have to do for now to keep going. Make some tea, eat a biscuit, have a good cry, keep posting.

He really has been a cowardly shit. He has Guilt Trip written all over him. Telling him not to contact him or its over? very for you. What a crap thing to say.

Do you have dcs together? I hope not actually.

If it distracts for a nano second how do you set up a 'filter' on an email account??? Sounds great idea.

How old are you? Do you rent with this plonker...what is the financial situation. You won't want to think about any of this now but if you are tangled with him financially then you will need to.

Big (((((((((hugs)))))))) as I too know how terrifying and sad it feels. My exH left a year and a half ago. Just got on a plane. left me with a baby.

I am still here and smiling.

Talk to your family and friends in RL love.

unlikeamaozonan

to set up the filter (in gmail) go to settings
pop and forwarding and just put an email adddress in there. it doesnt show up in sent items and it's not somewhre he'll think to look

we dont have children together, iv got 2 grown up ones from a prvious marriage, i'm 40, he's 28

i dont have a job cos of being ill for so long, so im pretty much fuked now - huge gap in my cv so not likely to find another job easily either

thanks everyone for the msgs - its rely helping and sorry fr the bad typing