he's left me

[fallingtopieces]

namechanger here, lavenderrr, glass plates, red rug, judge flounce etc etc

my dp of 5 years left me today.
Things had been a bit iffy for 2-3 months, not communicating, taking each other for granted etc. I've not had much of a sex drive for a long time so that had kind of been crap too.. maybe once a month or so but I spent three weeks in hospital for an illness and now I have energy, am healthy, our sex life has been fantastic etc etc

About 3 weeks ago he was very down and told me he needed some time out alone to think things over and that he would stay at his parents. he never went and things would improve for a few days and then he'd get down and moody again. He was going to stay the odd night at his parents and seemed to come back rejuvenated from that.

On Monday, something made me look at his pc history and I saw he'd been looking at a woman on facebook a lot, a bit more digging and I discovered that rather than being at his parents he was staying nights with her.

I confrtonted him and he said that he had ended it with her and realised it was me he wanted all along and that we could fix things etc etc. I agreed to this because I can see that I have some responsibility for our problems too and I love him.

So this week has been difficult, I've been hurt and angry and he's been very sorry and reassured me that he loves me, even talked about our getting married and stuff like that.

then last night she sent him a long email saying she'd fallen for him and all kinds of stuff including that she knew they had no future because he kept talking and thinking about me, and since then he turned very hostile to me and is dragging up arguments and rows from years and years ago and trying to make it all my fault.

He went to work this morning still saying he loves me and wants us to work things out and then he came home and hour ago, packed a bag and left, saying that he's going to stay at his parents to think things ovre - that he needs time alone and won't be seeing her either and will call me from there to prove it, but I saw a message from him to her that he's going to meet her.

She works at the same place as him, although in a different building.

he said that if I make any kind of contact with him then I will never see or hear from again.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is thumping, I cant stop shaking, I feel sick and almost like someone's died.

Ladyscratt thank you I have thought about that.. but for now I'm taking a bigger picture view - one bad month out of potentially 30-40 years. Taking into consideration the state of our relationship over the last few months in some ways I can almost understand how he was able to have his head turned - doesn't make it right, or make it hurt less tho.

He will have to prove himself and if he doesn't then that's that and he'll be gone for good. I won't forgive a 2nd time.

I don't think I'm going to let him move back in straight away, maybe do the dating thing for a while and get the romance and excitement back and have some fun. Rebuild our foundations as it were although there's a small voice saying get him home where I can keep an eye on him - need to think this through some more I think.

Wise words, falling to peices, sound like you have made a sensible decision on your own.

It is nice to hear that you won't be a doormat though, I think that too many allow themselves to become one.

Good for you!

Thank you LadyScratt - I've not had much else to do this last few days other than think and think and think.. he's a good man overall, everyone's entitled to one mistake.. there just won't be a second chance ever again.

Good girl, thats what I like to hear.

Hi sounds like you have made progress over the last few days. Im so pleased to hear it.

Must be something in the water in the southeast! Im in the southeast and i know so many people here who's hubby's have cheated.

Im sure your front room with look lovely when its finished. Good luck.

arrgh head fuck city!!!

after all the lovely things he said yesterday, 2 hours later he'd changed his mind.. didn't know what he wants etc etc

turned up back here last night, said he's confused but being with me feels so right blah blah.. stayed over, but nothing happened.

In the end this morning I asked him to leave because we're just going round in circles and it wasn't getting anywhere. He left, came back after half an hour and said he wants to sort things out, will I give hm a month. I said ok.

We went and ate somethng and then I drove him to the station to get the train to his parents.

I've also called them because I'm getting a bit worried about his mental health - I told them everything and they're going to keep an eye on him and keep me posted.

I'm going to a party tonight, I've had enough of the drama tbh

he did call from his parents house and says he now out with his best friend, he called this friend in front of me this morning so I believe him.

I have asked that out of respect for me and our relationship that he doesn't contact ow til things are resolved one way or another between us, he's agreed to that but we'll see if he means it :/

I asked him not to contact ow again.

He'd been texting her all last evening so I told him he's blown it, I might be a doormat but he aint wiping his shitty shoes on me anymore. I've told him not to contact me and that I will arrange to have his stuff sent on to him.

I also forwarded to her an email between him and his friends where they refer to her as a ho and also the one where he's begging me to take him back and calling her a horrible mistake, that should put the cat among the pigeons

I feel soo much better. I've taken control.

I should have said, he was also texting me all last night when I was at the party (disastrous move going there, cried everytime someone looked at me )

Anyway, he's now asked again for more time. He sent a photo of his parents log fire crackling away and then said that he needed to be left alone for a while because of what I said last night.

I'm feeling pretty crappy today tbh, although the prep on the walls is keeping me pretty busy.

I can't say too much but my advice would be to tell yourself it is over. Pack up all is stuff and send them to his parents. He is being unbearably cruel and you deserve so much better. A man who can make a woman cry is not worth a second thought. (I think that last bit is more to me that you.)

I know you're right Fab, but I'm not ready to give up completely yet.. I think I know deep down it's over tho

Turn your phone off and tell him to cock off. Why does he get to call the shots?

I know how hard it is to accept it though.

Follow your heart, not your head.

Don't make the mistakes I have.

I did that last night BoF - tell him to get lost I mean.

I'm just ignoring him now and getting on with my walls.. just stopped for a cuppa.

Fab my heart says he'll be back.. my head says he won't :/

I feel like a yoyo up and down and up and down

I totally understand that feeling. I can be like that in the same minute.

I broke my heart over someone who has treated me badly so many times and I have accepted it as I felt that was all I deserved. I hope one day I no longer feel like that.

My DH has never let me down in all the years we have been together and that is the type of man all women should have.

You deserve more.

Do what you have to do to get through the day but make sure you have no regrets.

I have been there and am still dealing with the fall out. My DH became besotted with OW for a couple of months in the summer. he ended things with me and then I discovered her. He said the dame old shit, she likes me for who I am, doesn't judge me, my answer she only knows what your willing to expose unfortunately I know you warts and all.
He said she was witty, stunning and intelligent, my friend said oh another you then and she looked similar to me. I like you went completely downhill, lost weight was drinking too much, crying all the time.
the biggest mistake I made was letting him walk in and out when he wanted to as I was terrified of losing him completely. all my friends and family said dump him to, it is easier to say as an outsider. it is not so much the person that you want, as you know they are disrespecting you, its the fact that you have lost control, I could'nt bear that I could'nt control his feelings. h used to say I am happy don't want to come back, then another week I do love you and I'm having a crises. I wish I could have held my head up high and told him in no uncertain terms to do one. if he had wanted me back then he would fight for me. I am still with him now but we still havea lot of talking to do and whether we will last long term is anybodys guess. He does and says all the right things now, o he may have learnt his lesson, or he may be a big fat bullshitter only time will tell. in the meantime I aim to make myself happy and not rely on him for my happiness. I know I am a decent person and sometimes I ask myself why I allowed him to treat me so badly, I would'nt have treated him in that way.
Please be strong I know its difficult when you are emotionally beaten, but you have to stay in control. if he wants you badly enough let him fight for you, if he doesn't fight then you deserve somone who will.
best of luck to you

Thanks fab and daisy

I'm struggling a bit today.. fine one minute and the next I just want to die. I still haven't really told anyone but one friend - I can't face the sympathy and being told to dump him.

Someone today said I look very frail and fragile and like I need looking after

I feel great today. I hope it isn't too long before you can say the same.

glad to hear it fab, I saw you had a hot date last night

I feel sick, my stomach is constantly churning. I can't imagine ever being normal again.. he was my normality

But feeling like this isn't normal in every day life, if it was we would all fall apart if we didn't get over it and move on.

I have been trying to get over my first love for 22 years and part of me never will but it is so much better when I am not in contact with him and having the highs and lows it brings.

Relationships shouldn't be this hard. My relationship with my dh was so easy in the beginning as it just felt right and we never had to work at it.

Thats how we were fab, so easy and comfortable together - really close, even our breathing matched, it was weird. We had the kind of relationship that other people envied. We were always touching, checking in with each other, all that.

It's just this last few weeks it's all turned sour

So, he has left you and come back and then gone again? Has he said what is wrong? I have a headache and have forgotten some of this thread, sorry.

Where are you at now with what is going on?

yes, he's left several times this week.. comes back the same day most times - this is the longest he's been away which is now 3 days.

he says he needs some time alone to evaluate what he really wants out of life but he's been shagging a woman from work