he's left me

[fallingtopieces]

namechanger here, lavenderrr, glass plates, red rug, judge flounce etc etc

my dp of 5 years left me today.
Things had been a bit iffy for 2-3 months, not communicating, taking each other for granted etc. I've not had much of a sex drive for a long time so that had kind of been crap too.. maybe once a month or so but I spent three weeks in hospital for an illness and now I have energy, am healthy, our sex life has been fantastic etc etc

About 3 weeks ago he was very down and told me he needed some time out alone to think things over and that he would stay at his parents. he never went and things would improve for a few days and then he'd get down and moody again. He was going to stay the odd night at his parents and seemed to come back rejuvenated from that.

On Monday, something made me look at his pc history and I saw he'd been looking at a woman on facebook a lot, a bit more digging and I discovered that rather than being at his parents he was staying nights with her.

I confrtonted him and he said that he had ended it with her and realised it was me he wanted all along and that we could fix things etc etc. I agreed to this because I can see that I have some responsibility for our problems too and I love him.

So this week has been difficult, I've been hurt and angry and he's been very sorry and reassured me that he loves me, even talked about our getting married and stuff like that.

then last night she sent him a long email saying she'd fallen for him and all kinds of stuff including that she knew they had no future because he kept talking and thinking about me, and since then he turned very hostile to me and is dragging up arguments and rows from years and years ago and trying to make it all my fault.

He went to work this morning still saying he loves me and wants us to work things out and then he came home and hour ago, packed a bag and left, saying that he's going to stay at his parents to think things ovre - that he needs time alone and won't be seeing her either and will call me from there to prove it, but I saw a message from him to her that he's going to meet her.

She works at the same place as him, although in a different building.

he said that if I make any kind of contact with him then I will never see or hear from again.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is thumping, I cant stop shaking, I feel sick and almost like someone's died.

Oh crap.

He isn't going to have chance to think about you if he is shagging someone else.

Please make the break for yourself and tell him you don't want him back. You deserve better.

I know

Falling to pieces, it is so hard, you just want everything to be as it should, im back home and being together,

DP has walked out on me (the best thing that has ever happened to him he says) and our son. There is nothing in the world that would make me turn my back on our son. He is selfish and thinking with his pants.

For all the hurt he has caused i love him, it has been a shit few years to be honest, but we just started to turn things round, and he is in love with someone else. And has chosen her over us.

I have had to tell family and they are rallying round, I wished I hadn't, but I had to show him I mean it this time.

I can't get through the day without falling to pieces regularly. I went to the GP and she gave me diazapam. It has made all the difference. I am calm and up beat, have baked this evening with my son, and managed to eat today, the first time in 4 days. Shame as I need to loose 3 stone!

Be lovely to keep in touch x

I completely understand how you feel falling to pieces. I felt like I had lost my right arm and when another woman wants your man it makes you want them even more, even when they are acting like arseholes. someonesaid to me do not let him back in your bed whilst he is messing around, I didn't listen, hence the reason I am now pregant, another reason why I won't make any big decisions about our marriage , not sure whats hormonal and whats not
You must try to keep strong, show him what he's missing without being his doormat, force yourself to go out on the town, I hated it but still went with a single girlfriend. look after yourself, do not let this man make you ill. I really let my health go and I should have had more respect for myself. When they are in this state you are powerless, their egos are being massaged and they love it and don't want to lose it, what they think is love is lust and we all know lust is temporary. I was lucky as my DH wanted me back eventually, but my friends would disagree and they all thought it was the best thing to happen to me.
You don't have to listen to other people's opinions only you know what to do for he best and only you know him inside out, just don't lose yourself. I have low self esteem now when I used to b such a confident self assured person.
the amount of men that behave like this is astounding, I also get annoyed with some OW who know the truth and still get involved, its lso up to them to leave the taken ones alone.

Hi Eve and daisy

I took control of the situation last night. He was giving me all this guff about wanting to win me back but he was sitting in her flat. I asked him to leave there and then if he meant it and to call me from his parents house and leave a voice message cos I didnt feel ready to talk to him.

He bleated on about how it's not that easy, she loves him and he'll have to let her down gently blah blah blah, so I pointed out that she can't love HIM, only the nice bits he's shown her so far and that once he's lost his job (he's on a final warning for acting like a tit this last few weeks) and has no money and is all stressed out and moody the 'love' will go out the window.

In the end I told him to do what the hell he wants and from now on I shall maintain a dignified silence.

It's weird.. that horrible stomach churning feeling is gone. I still feel crappy but less so than before. I've taken back my power, I think that might be why.

Eve they are incredibly selfish. I never ever thought he had it in him to behave like this, he was always so scathing about people we knew who cheated on their partners... what a bloody joke!

I reached some kind of epiphany last night I think.. you will too when you're ready and it really does feel like a weight has lifted off me. I hope you start to feel better soon, I was taking diazepam, temazepam, anything I could find really to try to numb the feelings but now I'm goign to try and do without. He's not worth me risking my newly regained health for. I haven't eaten since last wednesday, so I will try to have something today too.

I don't understand how they can do it, more so when there are children involved. Rest assured tho Eve, once the novelty has worn off and the excitement of the secrecy and all of that he'll probably try to come crawling back to you, what you do at that point is your choice and on your terms.

You've summed it up exactly daisy. He's been loving it, two women fighting for him. I won't stroke his ego anymore. She knew he had a partner, and said 'I don't care, I want you' and went after him all the same, he loved the attention, the adrenalin rush etc. Having said that, if he did leave her I would take him back but I don't know how long I'll be willing to do that. I suspect that it won't be long before I really wake up and realise that I can be better off without him.

I appreciate that it's very different for me because we don't have children together and that makes it much easier to sort out.

I hope things turn out well for you daisy, it must be so difficult to cope with having a baby on the way too in the midst of the pain and chaos.

I'll make an email address now to put here so we can keep in touch offboard, I don't want to be identifiable cos he knows I post on here and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing my gut spilling.

[email protected]

shit;'s just hit the fan, she's opened the emails I sent her and forwarded them to him with ????

looks like he's asleep, blissfully unaware of the shitstorm he's about to face, cos he hasn't opened them yet and he would cos they come thru on his blackberry

I hope she feels sick

Fallingtopieces, good on you for forwarding those emails to her. I forwarded OW emails of my DH flirting with me, begging for sex etc, culminating in him confirming he was coming around to see me. At the time he was living/staying with her (told me he was staying with mates ), she thought they were together forever, that he never came into the marital home etc, that he had nothing to do with me. It felt great doing it and DH has since confirmed that the shit hit the fan in her house . I have never regretted doing it, it shattered her fantasy and gave me DH the push he needed to "escape" from her. I have absolutely no sympathy for her whatsoever, she knew he was a married man with 4DC.

Keep strong, sit back and enjoy the fallout

Good i'm really pleased youve taken control, it does help, it doesn't stop the pain I know but it does help you to feel stronger.
I was exactly the same as you, not eating, sleeping, crying most days, I hated him and still do for making me feel like that.
I'm glad you are getting even, don't let it consume you though, cause to him thats still fighting for him. let the dust settle and then you can be OW, record evidence of this ie photo's recordings etc over a period of time and then send to her. when she knows dump him. me bitter to men, of course not :0.
No seriously though, this will be over at some point and he will realise what he's lost for an ego rub. STAY STRONG, even when he's telling you what you want to hear.

I fully intend to

I think it's going to get nasty now tho

the emails I forward was one between him and his friend where his friend calls her a ho and he laughs and said things were heating up.

the other was the blackberry conversation we had on friday where he was begging me to take him back and referring to her as a horrible mistake.

I do think tho that he will be furious and won't come back to me ever now. Not sure I'm all that bothered tbh.

The only thing I will say is I've seen this bit before ie you present ow with firm evidence of exactly what he's like. She clearly doesn't have the same moral code or compass as Joe Normal, he manages to convince her not to chuck him out on his ear, they become a united front, more buoyed up by the recent turmoil and you're somehow the bad person in all of this. Just be aware that it's a common scenario and she does sound like she'll hang on in there regardless.

Have you seen a solicitor? It's nice to hear you sounding more upbeat.

Agree with SOH regarding the "Getting even," but fair play to you!! It would probably be best now just to leave it with your head held high. Think "Swivel on that you t*t" and walk away.

Good point show of hands. I just remembered I went to DH place of work where he was living to confront him and she was there (there is a cottage in the grounds) I got really angry and told her some home truths and then slapped her. was hard to get to her again as was being held back by some guys who were there. I was left a sobbing mess with a guy friend comforting me. I asked him to get them out of the house (which was his) he did and they left together. DH claims that she had to go to A and E to support a friend and he went with her. he told me after this incident made her feel sorry for him and she really believed I was the psycho who had caused my DH to leave. she was supposed to be intelligent so why she couldn't read between the lines have no idea.
lies he spouted I suppose. I wish I could have remained dignified but the anger consumed me, especially as I was newly pregnant at the time. Falling he will try to blag his way out of this one, get yoursself adictaphone recorder thing and record all further conversations with him, he can't blag his ay out of all of the things he says and does.

Three cheers for you.

I know how hard it is, I still have longing to speak to him but I won't.

I hope you meet someone who deserves you.

I met my dh less than a month after finishing with a boyfriend I had taken back after he had hit me - I wanted to me sure I didn't still have feelings for him. 14 years later we are married with kids and animals and I love him so much.

I hope it works out for you with someone else.

I know he'll try to blag it with her, I don't really care now, they're welcome to each other.

I don't need to see a solicitor, it's my house, everything is in my name, I just need to sort out an income for myself - and the forms are coming in the post, hopefully today.

Just waiting for the locksmith to arrive so he can't get back in whenever it suits him.

Thanks fab

I think I'm goign to spend some time finding out who and what I am first before I even think of meeting someone else

You are doing great

I'm trying.. it seems sto change by the minute tho :/

I totally get that .

Keep busy is my advice. Celebrate little achievements.

eek.. he's up, seen the messages, shit is gonna hit the fan very soon!

hurry up locksmith!!!!

Just don't answer the phone or the door. You haven't done anything wrong. He has, remember, calm down!

He has seen the messages?

he wrote the bladdy messages, remind him of that!