Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Signs that a man is a bastard and you should RUN

179 replies

electra · 04/02/2010 09:33

Please post yours - this may help me! (following on from my other thread...)

OP posts:
junglist1 · 08/02/2010 20:23
Grin
BertieBotts · 09/02/2010 04:40

Oh yes, the illness thing is a big one. In fact that was the final thing that made me decide it was over, because I "explained away" all the other little things, but I simply could not understand how someone who was supposed to love and care for me could speak to me with such venom when I was in such a vulnerable state.

TheSmallClanger · 09/02/2010 10:15

I was at a party over the weekend and met a man who raised several red flags. He failed the waitress test spectacularly, bored everyone senseless with drink/violence stories, bragged about something he'd allegedy done with sex workers in Prague and then gave me "that look" when I tried to pull him up on something awful he had said. This was followed by the revelation that he had a son at the college I work at who thought my teaching was "shit".

This brings me on to another little red flag:
if the offender has friends, there may be a small group of people who make excuses for his behaviour, saying things like "he's just like that" or "that's just his sense of humour".

This asshat is married and I feel sorry for his wife.

SkaterGrrrrl · 09/02/2010 15:46

Is rude to waiters.

chippychippybangbang · 09/02/2010 15:51

Now, there's a thing. H would always have passed the waitress/waiter test. He was lovely to people he knew he'd only see once, friendly to anyone he phoned for appointments, neighbours etc, but a total shit the closer to him you got...

SkaterGrrrrl · 09/02/2010 16:20

Oh god my evil ex did loads of things on this thread. He ended up destroying himself and very nearly destroying me.

Heavy marijuana use - steadily decreasing mental health and became bi-polar

Rude to waiters

Slavishly devoted mother (if we met up on a cold winters day she take off her scarf and wrap it round his neck)

Downtrodden mother who did all the housework and child care and obeyed the domineering father in every way

Couldn't keep a job but it was never his fault, he was always the victim

If you watched a movie and someone claimed they'd bee raped he would scoff and take the rapist's side

Borrowed money from my friends and flatmates

Incredible pent up rage that would boil over if for instance a flatmate's TV was too loud - that warrants punching walls. Not.

My family loathed him which made me defend him and cling to him all the more

Hated animals and was scared of cats (what a pussy)

No good friends apart from 2 or 3 art college drug-based friendships

Talked to his sister with utter disrespect

I felt SORRY For him,. Around him I felt like the strong, together one, I liked feeling needed. Cant believe I wasted 3 years of my life with this loser. The day I finally moved out was like shedding a heavy suit of armour. Now with DH who kind and respectful and strong and wise. I only wish I'd met him sooner.

Life is too short to waste with fuckwits. He will not change. There are lovely men out there who will not put you through the wringer. Get out now!

mathanxiety · 09/02/2010 16:30

His mother braged about his academic achievements, actually about all her sons' academic achievements, but never a word about the girls in the family.....

abitcommon · 09/02/2010 16:33

Drops litter out of car windows.

Tells you about that 'thing' you do with your face that gives you double chins and makes you so unattractive. You KNOW the one, you do it all the time. Why do you do that?

Hadn't thought of the appearing uninvited one. I thought I was just unromantic and lacking in spontaneity! Am chuckling to remember the time this particular boyfriend drove 4 hours down to see me in the middle of the night.

I'm a heavy sleeper and he couldn't rouse me, annoyed the neighbours so had to get back in his car and drive home again!

There are loads more and luckily I was only with him 6 months. I had a lucky escape.

duchesse · 18/02/2010 16:25

I think this thread needs bumping and to be kept bumped. It's too useful a resource not to...

CUNextTuesday · 18/02/2010 16:29

. (ignore, marking this for copying and pasting to someone)

GenevieveHawkings · 18/02/2010 16:36

"No/crap contact with his children. And especially not financially supporting them.

Doesn't have any friends.

Comes on really strong very soon (wants to spend every day with you, wants to move in, talks about marriage)

Dodgy relationship with his Mum (either hates her or completely idolises her, both ring alarm bells)

Has masses of debt and nothing to show for it.

Lives with mates/parents/in lodgings. Changes jobs frequently."

My sister's loser has all of the above and you can add being controlling and insanely jealous, unstable and a manic depressive to boot.

She has kicked him out several times but always lets him back when he starts wailing and crying and puts on the good old tried and trusted "broken man" act.

I'm sure she's not the only woman who stays with a complete and utter loser.

Why do they do it?

ItsGraceAgain · 18/02/2010 16:59

Oh, BB's "absent eyes" and fleeting glare - I've chosen to ignore that one as often as I heeded it. Shouldn't ever ignore it!

The fleeting anger, too - he just lets you see, for a split second, his anger at someone else. "Gosh!" you think, "I've never seen him like that before!"
You will, sweetie, you will ...

Anniegetyourgun · 18/02/2010 17:09

Not standing up for you when somebody else is rude - then giving you an earful when you get home because you handled it badly.

Original poster
electra · 18/02/2010 17:30

Ahem. Being manic depressive does not make you a loser thanks very much GH - it is an ILLNESS. Would you say that someone was a loser if they had cancer ffs?

OP posts:
duchesse · 18/02/2010 17:34

Electra, nor does it prevent someone from being a bastard. I completely understand why GH put that detail in- it must make her sister's partner even harder to live with and her family even more worried about her.

Original poster
electra · 18/02/2010 17:47

No, I don't think it's relevant at all - the way a person treats others is, but the fact they have a mental health problem does not make them a loser - or perhaps it does in your book .

There is enough of a stigma attached to having a mental health issue without throw away (very hurtful) comments like this adding to people's negative perceptions of the people who have them.

Perhaps I ought not to bother having relationships with anyone myself, since I am a loser myself by default from the outset...

OP posts:
ninah · 18/02/2010 17:52

my sis just got married to a man who is vile about his ex, never sees his dd (tho I believe he contributes) and doesn't spk to his mother - she wasn't invited to wedding! all seems ok so far but the dd thing has really put me off him

chippychippybangbang · 18/02/2010 17:57

oh yes, Annie - the blaming in hindsight. "I knew it was going to happen" "why didn't you just say.." blah blah when they were there and didn't act or say anything at the time either.

They always always know best. But especially after the event!

electra, please don't be upset. Manic depression certainly doesn't make you a loser, it was just mentioned at the very end of a long list of other things which were actually loserish traits in the person concerned. Nobody was intending any offence towards people with MH conditions, I'm sure.

Original poster
electra · 18/02/2010 18:02

The thing is that when someone is exhibiting certain behaviours. For example, if someone is running up debt because they are having a manic episode, they need correct treatment, not everyone to conclude they are a loser and give them a wide berth....

My ex-H turned his back on me when I got ill. All of a sudden he treated me with contempt because I was ill - he simply acted like I was no longer fit for purpose and left me to it.

OP posts:
GenevieveHawkings · 18/02/2010 18:16

People can do something about depression if they have the where-with-all to acknowledge that they suffer with it.

It can be treated/kept under control, whatever. Yes, it may be an illness but most people who are ill seek treatment for their illnesses.

My sister's loser seeks no treatment and prefers to use this condition as something to make him appear more vulnerable and needy and it seems to be a valuable tool in his control amd manipulatin toolkit. I sometimes wonder if he is really depressed in the true sense of the medical term or if he just sticks that label on it to hide behind so he can be excused being a miserable, mean, nasty, moody, self absorbed, self pitying git who doesn't bother to work and thinks that everyone owes him something. Perhaps these are characteristics which are unique to him rather than someone who really is depressed.

And thanks for seeing what I meant Duchesse. You're spot on - this man would be a toal loser even if he weren't depressed. He still ticks all the other boxes on that list. That particular aspect of his character does indeed make him even harder for my sister to live with and make us as her family even more worried about her. The mystery is, why does she stay with him?

Anniegetyourgun · 18/02/2010 18:23
Anniegetyourgun · 18/02/2010 18:24

Let's try that again

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eT0ms9UdxcE&feature=fvw

ItsGraceAgain · 18/02/2010 18:31

Wonderful, Annie!

... and that's why I don't feel I can roundly condemn my mother for staying with Dad. I am so glad we live in different times.

Original poster
electra · 18/02/2010 18:57

'I sometimes wonder if he is really depressed in the true sense of the medical term or if he just sticks that label on it to hide behind so he can be excused being a miserable, mean, nasty, moody, self absorbed, self pitying git who doesn't bother to work and thinks that everyone owes him something.'

I do find these comments offensive and show ignorance about mental illnesses - are you saying that mental illnesses do not exist?

On one hand, you are saying that your sister's DP is ill, but does not seek treatment and on the other you are saying actually he's not ill at all - so which is it?

People are not given this label lightly in my experience. It took about 2 years for me to get my diagnosis and only a psychiatrist can give this label.

I understand that your response to a thread like this, when a family member of yours is in an abusive relationship is likely to be emotive. But I stand by my assertion that it is offensive to suggest that having manic depression is somehow synonymous with being an abusive person who should be avoided at all costs.

OP posts:
GenevieveHawkings · 18/02/2010 19:51

Well, whether he's genuinely ill or just a twisted sicko I'd really rather that he'd never been introduced into the lives of my young and impressionable neices and nephews who don't remotely deserve to have a role model like him in their midst.

Frankly, wider mental health issues are the least of my concern here. Call me harsh but I have no concern for that man whatsoever. He's caused nothing but pain and heartache for a lot of people.

I just wish he'd get the fuck out of everyone's lives and go and "be" elsewhere - preferably about a million miles away.