in pain, confused and can't see a way forwards.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I've posted about DH more times than a care to remember. But lately things were better. He has been depressed for nearly 3 years. I supported him, got him help and he turned on me.

He spent all of last year (while I was preg with DC3) blaming me for everything and basically making my life a living hell.

I kicked him out, then we worked on things, he changed meds and things got better (slowly).

He's still ill, but much better. He's worked throughout and has put a lot of time into rebuilding his relationship with the DCs.

I think I just want a bit of sympathy really. I don't have anyone to talk to in RL at the moment.

I had a minor op this week. He took me to hospital (no one else to do it and he wasn't keen on missing work but agreed) and was completely distant and cold even though he knew I was terrified. I challenged him on it and he said nothing. On the way home from hospital I told him how upset I was. Nothing.

In the evening I begged him to talk to me, even though I was tired, in pain and still woozy from the general anaesthetic.

Still nothing.

And now he's saying that comfort is a "two way street", that "if I don't ask for help he can't be expected to give it" (bearing in mind I begged him that first evening for him just to talk to me).

I'm on my own with 2DCs, the house is a tip, I'm still too ill to sort it and everything he promised to do is undone. I even had to clean things before I could give the DCs their breakfast.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't know how to get passed this.

If I'm honest I thought that if he could look after me this week it would make up for all the crap he put me through when I was pregnant. It would prove he was different and could be there for me when I needed him.

Sorry for the very self-indulgent post. Just feeling so sad and tired of it all.

When will it end?

Thanks dittany. I can't stop crying.

He hurt me just because he could

so sorry, crunchy x

Can't say you didn't all tell me so

But it hurts.

And it won't stop.

And I feel lost.

He's a very poorly man, isn't he Crunch? Poor him in a way, but much more poor you! You don't deserve it. You didn't ask for it. You very much deserve to be cherished, loved, respected and to feel safe within your family.

Quite remarkable that he's been so honest with you. I suppose the near future will reveal whether he just overestimated his powers, or is attaining some self-awareness.

What you really, really need to do now is take care of you. All this time taking care of others; who's been looking after you? It might be a great idea to go & stay with some people you love for a little while - or have them over to stay with you.

Tell your friends, Crunchy. Cry. Ask people to help you. Eat!
Thinking of you. xx

I ate a grape, does that count? Haven't eaten anything since Thursday. I'm not hungry.

He has been honest. And it was good that he told me the truth about the text when he could easily have carried on lying. He hasn't lied since the Summer (and I believe that since he was always so rubbish at covering his back). He did comfort me in the early hours of this morning.

But he decided to hurt me simply because he was feeling low and placed the blame for that on me.

Oh Crunchy... I'm going to be very unMN here but my true colours will out. I wish I could take away all your hurt and pain. I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. It's one thing knowing something intellectually but that doesn't stop the feelings of loss and pain even when you know that something is either inevitable or the right thing to do.

It's not surprising that you feel that this is somehow about you and the person you are but it absolutely is not. He clearly has a lot of problems and anger to resolve. You are not his emotional puchbag though.

You are fabulous. Amd, if you don't eat more than one bloody grape you'll be thin and fabulous! Please eat something, Sweetheart. x

Oh.
< he decided to hurt me ... and placed the blame for that on me >
Not so much self-awareness, then.
More like utter toss-potting, egocentric, sadistic, deluded, weak-minded crap
Bet he was one of those little boys who pull off frogs' legs.

Sorry to boss you around, madam, but you MUST eat! You're already unwell, d'you want to be a useless wraith, just when your kids need you being strong? EAT!!!
At this point, it doesn't matter what - just as long as it's food. Chocolates? Chip butties? Go for it

I've now eaten 4 grapes.

Thank you for all being so nice. I'm a fool, I just want to pretend none of this has happened and curl up in his arms.

He has not sulked since last night and is trying. But I just hurt so much.

He went to ask the DSes if they wanted to go for a walk with him, DS2 who is 4 said, "Go on your own, you'll like it on your own."

Last Summer when it seemed like such a struggle I asked DS the simple question, "Stay or go" (obviously without telling him what I was talking about). "Go" he said, and then paused for a moment before adding, "Go and find daddy".

I have no idea why I'm even thinking of these things.

Definitely a burble.

I suspect DS2 has noticed what you noticed, don't you?

Aren't you relieved they won't be growing up in a family where they don't feel they can talk openly?

We've been together for over 11 years. In that time he has mostly been loving and kind, and never displayed anything like this. He was the man who insisted I went out with my friends while he watched the DCs. Never jealous, always trusting, always thoughtful, even romantic. Not perfect, too untidy, lacked common sense, daft at times. But a nice man.

Recently he has changed. I think it's because he is hurting and he doesn't know how to deal with it (was always the eternal optimist before the depression). I think he has taken the easy path (taking it all out on me) rather than dealt with it himself.

I don't think he's a monster.

But I don't know if this is forgiveable either.

And yes I know I'm probably a mug for believing the above.

Dittany's right:
< always know what they are doing because they are doing it deliberately >

He was. Doing it. On purpose.

The business with the nurses, the little bits of 'nice husband' to keep you on your toes, the whole bloody charade.

Asshole.

He has been a complete arse.

He has thrown everything away.

As dittany said yesterday, he put so much energy into winning me back, it'd take a fraction of the effort just to continue being a nice guy forever.

You're still in 'little helper' mode. Stop thinking about "why he ..." & "he feels ..." & "he wants ..." Just stop! He's a grown-up, he has therapists and such to work over how he feels, thinks and so on.

You're a grown-up, too. Stare at yourself in the mirror, tell you that you love you - and phone another person who loves you. Mum? Sister? Best friend? Come on, it's important!

You're right. I'm still trying to fix him.

My world has revolved around him for so long. Unfortunately his world has revolved around him too.

So I don't feature anywhere. And I should.

Well done

how are you today, crunchy ?

Hello AF. I'm tired and in pain.

I'm not being very rational. Going to try to see a GP for me tomorrow because I'm scaring myself.

Nothing else has changed.

scaring yourself ? why ?

because you are tremendously upset by his fuckwittedness ? That seems like a normal reaction to me...

do see your GP though, you need some support in RL and to talk to someone impartial

Just by how low I am feeling.

Still staying strong on him moving out though. He called a mutual friend of ours today to talk to her and she said it sounded like he needed to move out for my sake.

Good to know that 1) He was honest with her about what has happened and 2) She was honest with him about his affect on me.

He's been writing me notes along the lines of, "We're both so hurt, there must be something we can do to work this out?" But I keep telling him he has had all the chances in the world.

He has pretty much broken every promise and every condition made when he moved back in.

I pointed out to him yesterday that the only reason he chose to feel hurt and angry, was that I asked him to support me and he didn't want to.

He had the choice to be mature and say, "I cannot cope with that at the moment, but I can arrange things so that (for example) I looks after the DCs while your mother takes you to the hospital?" which would have felt crappy but would have meant that at the very least he would have provided me with some support.

Or he could have talked through his worries with me. There are no shortage of options.

It is now very clear that this is how things went:-

H felt stressed that I had asked him for support. He couldn't cope with the feelings of stress and turned them into anger and fear. He then projected them onto me and said to himself, "DW is very angry at the moment, so I should distance myself from her". When he distanced himself and I got frustrated with him he interpreted the frustration as anger and this confirmed his belief that I was being angry and he has a right to feel afraid. So all he saw all week was anger from me. My tears and wailing and begging were all "anger driven", so he not only didn't have to comfort me, he could justify keeping away from me to "protect himself". And although he said he blamed himself, he completely blamed me for his choice not to comfort me (after all, I wasn't sad, I was angry and that was my own fault).

So in the early hours of Saturday morning I finally convinced him (!) that my pain was real and that I wasn't angry but devastated at his behaviour towards me.

To tell you what I did to make him see that would be to convinve you all that I am a crazy person.

Since then he is (sort of) convinced. But he's so far into his denial now that I know he is on a downward slope and this is just the beginning.

And I know you'll all be angry with me because I'm still analysing him and thinking about him and trying to help him. And you're right. I don't know how to stop. I don't think I can. It does help me remind myself that it's not me, it's him, and that things are only going to get worse, no matter what promises he makes. His words are worthless no matter how much I want to hear them.

I really really really need to get to a GP.