in pain, confused and can't see a way forwards.

[YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch]

I've posted about DH more times than a care to remember. But lately things were better. He has been depressed for nearly 3 years. I supported him, got him help and he turned on me.

He spent all of last year (while I was preg with DC3) blaming me for everything and basically making my life a living hell.

I kicked him out, then we worked on things, he changed meds and things got better (slowly).

He's still ill, but much better. He's worked throughout and has put a lot of time into rebuilding his relationship with the DCs.

I think I just want a bit of sympathy really. I don't have anyone to talk to in RL at the moment.

I had a minor op this week. He took me to hospital (no one else to do it and he wasn't keen on missing work but agreed) and was completely distant and cold even though he knew I was terrified. I challenged him on it and he said nothing. On the way home from hospital I told him how upset I was. Nothing.

In the evening I begged him to talk to me, even though I was tired, in pain and still woozy from the general anaesthetic.

Still nothing.

And now he's saying that comfort is a "two way street", that "if I don't ask for help he can't be expected to give it" (bearing in mind I begged him that first evening for him just to talk to me).

I'm on my own with 2DCs, the house is a tip, I'm still too ill to sort it and everything he promised to do is undone. I even had to clean things before I could give the DCs their breakfast.

I don't want to talk to him. I don't know how to get passed this.

If I'm honest I thought that if he could look after me this week it would make up for all the crap he put me through when I was pregnant. It would prove he was different and could be there for me when I needed him.

Sorry for the very self-indulgent post. Just feeling so sad and tired of it all.

When will it end?

Chippy Crunchy? Now there's a snack I could enjoy.

I know you (think you) know what you're doing and all, but you merit a better life than one where you struggle along, waiting for the 'treat' of a nice husband for a few months, every 3 years or so.

While you're waiting for your Bancroft book to arrive, why not have a quick read of the excellent Wikipedia page on psychological manipulation? We can play "Which ones did you fall for?" if you get bored later.

Just need a quick reality check again (and I know the answer, and I know it should be obvious, but...)

Is it normal to write a story about everything that has happened in a week (this week, obviously) from an "angry" perspective to "get all the horrible thoughts out of your head and onto paper" so you don't think them anymore?

Because that is what H has done. He has written a twisted and altered version of the history in which he is the poor husband trying to do his best and I am the horrible and demanding wife who he loves but cannot meet her (unmeetable) expectations.

In his defense it wasn't for me to read. I asked him what he had been writing upstairs and he said it was his CBT stuff and I (highly unethically) asked if I could look at it (he always let me before) and when he said no I demanded that he let me.

10 or so A4 pages long it is.

So... is that a normal way to rid oneself of unwanted thoughts?

Because I never think about him the way he has written/thought about me.

It's pretty horrendous.

He's being sent to the Estate Agent in the morning.

but he didn't get rid of his horrible thoughts did he ? He still took them out on you....

so whatever the fuck he was doing, was useless

what a silly man

He is a silly man.

How could he even think those things?! It wasn't a surprise that he did. I knew what to expect. I knew how he had been rationalising everything to himself.

10 pages? Bloody hell! 10 pages of self indulgence when he could have been helping you? I'm possibly not being helpful but it sounds like he was "doing his homework" so he didn't have to do his chores!

The rationalising is the worrying bit though, isn't it? He really doesn't think he's doing anything wrong, does he?

He says that isn't what he thinks, but it was what was "driving his behaviour" over the past week and he needed to write it down to get it out so he wouldn't think it anymore and could be better.

I pointed out that writing it down tends to reinforce the feelings and flies in the face of CBT. He agreed and said he wished he hadn't written it.

Oh Crunchy, you're so brave and together. I'm sorry I was so blunt.

no wonder he locked himself away upstairs

he was practicing self-indulgence of the highest order

is this how your life will be now, crunchy

get rid of him, permanently this time

I need blunt.

So much for my, "and even though everyone said it wouldn't work we proved to be the exception to the rule, and we all lived happily ever after."

Actually, that's a remarkably self aware comment. It's what was driving his behaviour? So, he was resentful because he felt that you weren't appreciating his efforts to be the perfect husband, etc.

I have my doubts about getting it out so he doesn't think it any more but it might be good that he is at least aware that his thoughts were driving him.

Did he acknowledge that his interpretation of the week was skewed?

Yes, he acknowledged that the "story" left out some key information and exaggerated other things. He said it was not how things happened and that he was feeling hurt because I had come out of the hospital telling him that he has failed to support me, when he felt he had been the perfect husband (even though I had expressed my displeasure before going into surgery, I did then put that to one side to tell him I loved him just in case I died ).

Writing out negative thoughts is a popular form of therapy. I do it myself. But the idea of this kind of journal is that, once I see my own 'bad' thoughts written down, I'm in a good position to evaluate & query them - and decide what to do, if action is needed. It's emphatically not intended to reinforce self-pity. Nor, obviously, to convince myself that someone else is responsible for my bad feelings!

It must have been incredibly hurtful to read, Crunchy
Although, I hate to say it - probably no bad thing. While he's at the estate agents, you could ring around them as well, couldn't you?

locking yourself away from family time for 2 hours to scribble out this kind of psychobabble bullshit (sorry Grace...) is unacceptable

who was cooking the dinner and sorting the kids out whilst this fucking ridiculous essay bollocks was being written ?

Funny, I was just thinking about the similarities, AF
My lunatic abusive ex read my journal, and made extensive use of it as weaponry. Maybe I am a psychopath? Nyaarhahahahh!

"You can't get angry with me for not pulling my weight at home, I was too busy writing about what a perfect husband I am".
Lol.

Thanks again, Ladies.

I'm off to bed.

i'm sorry crunch. i remember his previous thread. leopard, spots and all that.

Thanks warthog.

So, we talked until 5.30 (my insistence not his) and he admitted that yesterday morning when I sent him a text asking him to come home from work and talk, he lied (saying he didn't receive it until later and would have come if only he'd read it) and read it and ignored it.

He finally was "convinced" that this was his doing and not mine. And that the reason he did it all was not because "I deserved it for being mean", but because he just decided to hurt me: to kick me while I was down.

I wanted a reason and now have to accept that the man I love decided to hurt me so much just because he could

He says he's sorry. He's been to the Estate Agent and has details of flats.

I don't think I can express on here just how sad and broken I feel. Just how shredded and worthless and nothing.

And I know this is "a reflection on him and not me" but it was me he chose to destroy on a whim. It was me that meant so little that he could just decide to hurt me and justify it as "if I have decided to then it must be right".

5.30 a.m. that is.