Yes it's another cliched 'he's having an affair' thread - HELP!!!

[MaggieMuggins]

So, after trawling MN relationship threads for the last hour I can see that everything I am about to say is so 'classic' it's untrue

DH and I have been together for 14 years, married for 4 and DD is 15 months. I became suspicious that he was having an affair before Xmas - we have had the 'I'm just not very happy at the moment' conversation - and after a bit of snooping and a few pennies dropping I confronted him last night and told him that I knew there was something going on with him and his teaching assistant. (An interesting take on the boss-secretary cliche, no?)

I also told him that part of the reason that I'd been able to work it out was because the year before we decided to have a baby one of my own work colleagues had told me that they had fallen for me, and I had an emotional affair with him. Nothing really happened, and I worked through it all alone (it was the year that DH was doing his teacher training and I was at a really low ebb, very flattered by the attention but ultimately it was never going to go anywhere).

Anyway, he admitted that they had grown close (says they haven't kissed, but 'sort of' told each other that they have feelings). He also admitted that he had met her on Saturday when he went out for the afternoon, but says that they just met up and wandered round the shops. I think I believe him.

Anyway, DH and I have had a crap sex life for years and never really dealt with it. We are like two best friends sharing the same house/parenting. I have tried so many times over the years to talk to him about it but he's just buried his head in the sand, told me he loves me, ignored the problem. I would desperately love for us to get that spark back, and I can't cope with the lack of physical affection for much longer.

He says he doesn't know what he wants - before Xmas he was convinced he wanted to leave, but now he's not sure. Doesn't know how he feels about this OW. I've told him that he MUST talk to a friend, that's the one thing he has agreed to do. I told him I want to go to counselling but he said he needs time to think first.

I feel completely bereft and terrified of losing him. I am also angry that he has done this to me when I need him so much right now (am at threat of redundnacy at work, just to add insult to injury) and I am feeling physically unattractive and knackered from working full time and dealing with motherhood and trying to get to the gym and trying to have a social life and trying to keep the house nice. When we had DD I thought I had everything I wanted. What a complacent fool I have been.

I am such a stupid cnut, I just insisted on his showing me a picture of her on Facebook. She is not the person I thought she was (immature-looking, mousy hair, plump) but attractive (long brown hair, tall, attractive). Gutted. Why did I DO that?? And I've started asking him stupid questions, like 'what do you two talk about then?' NOT DIGNIFIED. Must stop drinking wine until he leaves.

As for work stuff I don't have her home number, or any way of contacting her H (don't know his first name and their surname is very common) and I don't really want to start a war by grassing them up. I did stir it a bit earlier, by asking him if he was worried about getting the sack. He looked stricken and asked why I was thinking that and I said innocently, 'isn't there a code of professional conduct?' but really, the idea of his getting the sack is just worrying, as he needs to pay maintenance!!

This is why he should leave now. It's unkind for you to have to deal with him being around. Tell him to pack his bags, I'm sure he'll cope just fine with a couple of nights of slight discomfort. There ARE consequences when people have affairs, you know, he might just have to kip on a sofa.
I think you're being positively restrained, he's getting off pretty lightly if you're asking him polite questions like what they talk about.

Tell him to jog on.

step away from the demeaning questions (although I understand you wanting to know)

stay off FB

don't look for photo's etc

minimize the wine-drinking

keep a clear head, you are going to need it

People always put their best pictures on facebook, you know. She's hardly likely to show off the spotty moosey one to the world. (And she's not the same OW as mine I deduce as mine has an unusual name and is a midget!).

Don't ask for details at this point as you'll dwell on them - save it for the therapy or heart to hearts if you reconcile. If I were you I'd also insist on him leaving right now and I'd bag up his stuff and bung it on the lawn. How dare he behave like that and leave at his convenience? And yes, stay away from the wine. It's a depressant and will make you feel much worse.

yes, abedelia, I would also come round to the binbags on the doorstep mentality too

he wants out, give him out

he can explain why to OW, friends, family, work etc

Maggie - will post more tomorrow, but just wanted to reassure you that the picture you saw on FB is not what OW looks like in RL. People so often put a great photo on FB, when they look nothing like that in RL.

Come back tomorrow if you can and let us know what else he has been saying. Big hugs.

goodness, If I was on FB, which I'm not, I would post a 20 yo pic of myself with soft focus and fabulous lighting, no danger

The facebook thing, i hardly recognise any of my freinds on there, they all look dead glam which there not in real life. Even i look half decent !

Agree with what everyone else says about get him out, let him have a good dose of reality, and dont forget, once this comes out properly she wont be fun or exciting or any of the things he thinks she is at the moment. She,ll be upset, stressed , grumpy ,negotiating a potential divorce and the boot from her job plus all the other things that come with this.

See how much fun either of them are with this hanging over their heads , throw in their combined unpleasant personal habits ( nose picking , stinking feet , farts ect ) and he may come to his senses remarkably quickly.

Id ask if hes not terrified of her H turning up at work to give him a good hiding !

I agree you need him to go - even if it is to only show you that you will not stop breathing without him there.
Put all his stuff in bags and tell him to either collect it or you will drop it off at his work.

Take down any photos of him and put them away. Buy yourself something really nice instead. Something like some new bedding is good.

You can do this and it may be the kick he needs.

My h did move out - well his stuff did for a while - i dont think actually spent that much time alone in his flat . But being forced to face the truth i think made him see a lot quicker what he was about to lose. It didnt occur to him that he would have bills/council tax to pay - he got himself into an awful muddle. ow couldnt help him either she had her own problems to deal with - he was very loney indeed. He was soon back begging me.

Another one here agreeing with getting his stuff out - I stood and watched as mine packed his own stuff in bin bags, I also made him give me his house key, told him I had booked a solicitor's appointment and a Relate appointment for myself. He left OW within a week and was asking to come to Relate with me.

A good kick up the backside is what is needed. BTW (and whilst this is no excuse) it sounds like he has unresolved issues relating to his father's death and counselling would help that.

And is mine the only OW who looks a minger on Facebook .

Also I made my DH give me OW's full name and address so I could name her on the divorce papers!

She doesn't actually have a Facebook account, the pics were another work colleague's of them at the Xmas do. I made myself feel better by saying, 'god, she looks really old!' but I don't think I was fooling him.

He's going on Friday. I will arrange to go out and do things in the evenings this week - may as well take the opportunity because I'm going to be stuck in the house every night by myself for the forseeable

And I will start to 'de-H' the house. Then when he comes over to see/collect DD he will be able to see that I am getting on with things. But I'm just not a bags on the lawn kinda gal...

Well with the best will in the world, you bloody should be! He gave you no choice about being put through this shit (as I said, personally it was the worst pain of my life) so why does he get the chance to move when's convenient to him? He will survive on a mate's sofa, you know... you can just pack his cases and help him to the car rather than doing something the neighbours will twitch curtains over. But looking at him every day and sleeping in the same house is torture and you have every right to say 'I won't do that, given what you did and have said'. I hated my H coming over to deliver the kids every night (he'd collect them from school and have them till after tea) because just seeing him made it 10 times worse. You need some space to deal with it without him.

Just a thought but maybe she's promised to tell her H by Friday and he's waiting for her? Anyway, stop being sad, ditch the wine and get angry!

Glad that you're keeping to that resolve Maggie. I've been thinking about this and I'm finding it more and more incredible that OW told her H last weekend. It seems a hell of a coincidence tbh that she did this virtually the day before you found out and confronted your H. Do you think it's possible her H still doesn't know and they are telling you that to ward you off contacting him?

I also ask this because when my H finished with OW, she claimed she had told all to her H. We've since had good reason to believe he never knew about the affair and I do think she was telling my H this, because she thought I might phone her house. When her own H had an affair, she had gone to great pains herself to tell the affair partner's H and so I think she thought I'd be the same. It's a regret of mine that I didn't.

I therefore do think it would be in order to contact her H, if you can. It would be really interesting to know whether one or both of them are telling lies, either to each other or to you. I understand what you mean about not being a "bags on the lawn" type of gal, but those two could be banking on your dignity - and abusing it iyswim.

It's truly amazing what you can find on the internet and I know it would be very easy to contact OW's H when ever I liked. This, despite him having a very common name.

I understand why you don't want to let his employers know, but I don't know of any school (I review a lot of school policies as part of my job) that has a policy preventing relationships, so I don't think dismissal or even a misconduct investigation is likely. I do think that embarrassment and a tricky situation in the staff room is very likely though, all of which I think is important for these two to endure.

Also, are you monitoring his phone to see what they are saying to eachother? That can be illuminating too. Knowledge really is power at the moment.

How are you feeling emotionally today?

I think my big mistake has been to back my H into a corner. I believe that OW did tell her husband last weekend, maybe because she thought that doing that would back him into a corner so that he would do the same. But he didn't, and at that point he hadn't made up his mind whether he actually wanted to leave me. My H hates being backed into corners, and maybe I made a mistake confronting him. Although at the time I was going demented and couldn't not say anything for the sake of my own sanity.

Today I am feeling relatively calm. And I do want to leave the door open for him to change his mind. I still think that he might come to his senses at any minute - probably as this reality kicks in, he moves out, people find out etc. - and realise what a big mistake he is making. So my strategy is going to be softly softly, and try not to make any rash decisions (like upping sticks and moving hundreds of miles away) which I might regret later.

Cue you all telling me that this is the wrong thing to be doing!! And believe me, I would be monitoring his phone but he deletes everything, I have never even seen so much as a text message between them. Think they do most of their contact by email and I don't know his password. I will try and do some digging on the internet but not sure to what end.

Maggie, I've been away from the interweb for the weekend trying sort out my own issues, but I have just read all the developments. I am really sorry that you are having to go through this. I know exactly how you must be feeling, but I believe that you have done exactly the right thing.

I don't think you have made a mistake by forcing your H to confront the implications of his decision, or indeed to make the decision. As you say, you are leaving the door open for him should he come to his senses. I think you are a brave and strong woman, and I admire the way that you are handling this.

I know that this would have been the better course of action for me, if I had been able. My self-esteem went to zero as a result of not being more assertive and letting my DW call the shots. Wish I'd sought advice from Mumsnet at the time, too.

Maggie, I think you will find that most of us giving the advice on here are still with our DHs. My DH had actually left me at the time, "staying with mates" (read that OW) and had been with her for about 5 weeks when I found out what was really going on.

By that time the OW was showing her true colours and the fantasy had turned into a rather horrible reality with very distressed children, a business going "tits up" and an OW who was putting an awful lot of pressure on him and who was a 10 on the "controlling" scale!! And he thought I was controlling .

I think my DH needed to see me as a strong woman, needed to see that I would survive without him (a scary thought with 4DC) and I would not be treated that way he was treating me at that time. I don't think I ever closed the door on him, it was more a case if you behave like this, there are consequences all round. You can't have you cake and eat it.

You could always say you don't have to move out but a condition of staying is counselling for both of you and all contact with OW ceases immediately. Difficult I know given his employment but maybe some exceptional leave is required now for you to repair your marriage together. Only you know what is going on and how your DH will react.

Good luck.

Thanks geekdad, yes I don't know what I'd be doing without MN!! I have lots of RL support but not from people who have been through this themselves.

countingto10, I have already asked him to stay, sever contact with OW and come to counselling but he has said no, his mind is made up and he wants to be with her. He is very skeptical about counselling - the only people we know who've had it said it was a waste of time - and I think the only way now is for him to go and confront the reality and consequences of this situation he is choosing, and then hopefully realise that what he had was worth saving, in which case it will have to be on my terms.

Not Just Friends has just arrived in the post so off to have a bath and a read!!

All power to you! You are doing great, and the book will only strengthen your resolve - it is the dogs testicles on affairs!

I think you are very strong. whilst your believes he want to be with her you have to let him go and find out for himself.

IF/WHEN you h comes to his senses - and he will soon enough you will be able to get the relationship you want from him if that is what you still want.

My marriage was destroyed by my h affair and the lies he told - we are still together but it is a whole new relationship now - in many ways better.

Stay strong - you will be ok what ever happens.

My god, what a complete turnaround. My H came home earlier and said he realised that he wasn't listening to anything I was saying yesterday and that he just doesn't like being told what to do or think (the whole backing him into a corner thing) but that he had hardly slept and spent the night thinking about what I had said. Anyway, he doesn't want to walk away, he wants to try and work things out.

I can't believe that he has caved in after one night in the spare bed! To be fair, he does usually react this way to things and then change his mind when he has had time to think, and I also think the reality of talking about when/how he could see DD has contributed to this.

I have told him that I want to take things slowly, and that he needs to agree to some conditions; severing contact with OW and coming for counselling being the main two. I would also like him to read Not Just Friends but I need to first! So, things are looking up but I am not celebrating just yet...

Oh this has made my day!

Tell us more when you can - but one bit of advice for now. Ask him to end it with her in your presence. With any luck she will go sick tomorrow. Can he also please stay at home tomorrow so that you two can really talk?

You will always wonder what was really said to her and you need to hear it. This is all part of the windows being closed to her, opened to you and the walls around your marriage being rebuilt.

I agree, would be good for you to have some evidence that he is actually ending it with OW. Good news though, glad he is coming to his senses.

a good start

now make sure he follows through on everything

you need evidence...he is a liar remember ?

sorry, that came out wrong

I meant he has lied

there is a difference (hopefully, in his case)

Get a keylogger, MaggieMuggins.