Yes it's another cliched 'he's having an affair' thread - HELP!!!

[MaggieMuggins]

So, after trawling MN relationship threads for the last hour I can see that everything I am about to say is so 'classic' it's untrue

DH and I have been together for 14 years, married for 4 and DD is 15 months. I became suspicious that he was having an affair before Xmas - we have had the 'I'm just not very happy at the moment' conversation - and after a bit of snooping and a few pennies dropping I confronted him last night and told him that I knew there was something going on with him and his teaching assistant. (An interesting take on the boss-secretary cliche, no?)

I also told him that part of the reason that I'd been able to work it out was because the year before we decided to have a baby one of my own work colleagues had told me that they had fallen for me, and I had an emotional affair with him. Nothing really happened, and I worked through it all alone (it was the year that DH was doing his teacher training and I was at a really low ebb, very flattered by the attention but ultimately it was never going to go anywhere).

Anyway, he admitted that they had grown close (says they haven't kissed, but 'sort of' told each other that they have feelings). He also admitted that he had met her on Saturday when he went out for the afternoon, but says that they just met up and wandered round the shops. I think I believe him.

Anyway, DH and I have had a crap sex life for years and never really dealt with it. We are like two best friends sharing the same house/parenting. I have tried so many times over the years to talk to him about it but he's just buried his head in the sand, told me he loves me, ignored the problem. I would desperately love for us to get that spark back, and I can't cope with the lack of physical affection for much longer.

He says he doesn't know what he wants - before Xmas he was convinced he wanted to leave, but now he's not sure. Doesn't know how he feels about this OW. I've told him that he MUST talk to a friend, that's the one thing he has agreed to do. I told him I want to go to counselling but he said he needs time to think first.

I feel completely bereft and terrified of losing him. I am also angry that he has done this to me when I need him so much right now (am at threat of redundnacy at work, just to add insult to injury) and I am feeling physically unattractive and knackered from working full time and dealing with motherhood and trying to get to the gym and trying to have a social life and trying to keep the house nice. When we had DD I thought I had everything I wanted. What a complacent fool I have been.

Maggie, what is he saying he wants then? It's not clear from your post whether he is asking to come back and work things through, or whether he is agreeing that as he's not in love with you anymore, he needs to live separately from you.

What he's telling you about "not progressing" the other relationship sounds like a lie. A woman would not be telling her daughter that she is having a relationship with a teacher at that little girl's school, if that relationship had not progressed very far indeed. I'm not sure I even believe that bit anyway. I suspect it is just another ruse to get you to believe that OW has been open and above board with her husband and family.

But as I said before, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if your H is being lied to by OW. Honestly, having gone through primary school with two DCs who are both now in secondary school, a mother would not do this unless she was very sure that this relationship was for keeps. Even then, a mother might think that this is TMI for an 8 year-old to handle, especially as she's got to go into school each day and see the nasty man who took mummy away from daddy. I mean, does it sound plausible?

He won't be able to admit that OW has got anything to do with his diminishing feelings for you and will be justifying what he's doing to make himself feel better.

I don't think you're going to get any truth, honesty or sense out of him while he's in this frame of mind, so all you can do is to give every appearance of moving on with your life. Could you go out one evening while he comes and sees DD? Put on your glad rags, be enigmatic about where you are going - and if you cannot rustle up a mate to spend the evening with, go somewhere where you can even read a book? You don't have to stay there when he comes - as long as you password protect your PC etc. and lock anything away that you don't want him to see.

I keep wondering what OW's husband is doing and saying, presumably she is still living with him? I'm afraid I still think he really doesn't know about all this and my suspicions are even greater with this ludicrous tale of her telling her daughter.

God, I wish your H was telling this tale to a parent with junior school children....their incredulity would be much more powerful than yours at the moment.

If he's compartmentalising then that sounds like he is still trying to keep his options open with you and the OW. It certainly sounds like he doesn't have enough conviction to make a decision himself. Reinforced by him asking you what you wanted him to do (FFS!!).

I agree with WWIFN, that you should start to get on with your life and begin to move on. Sooner or later reality will catch up with him, but until then focus upon looking after yourself and your DD. It may be that by the time he does know what he wants you will care much less about his decision.

I don't think you should spend any more time discussing things for the time being. I well know that feeling of going round in circles. That only ended when we got into counselling, but he's clearly not ready for this.

Maggie, I feel so, so strongly that it would be right to contact her H. At the moment you have only hearsay (from a pair of liars) that it is all 'out in the open'. But once that REALLY happens it sure does have a habit of diminishing the romance, as does evidence the OW has lied. I'm surprised that if he knows, her H isn't turning up on your doorstep with a baseball bat or phoning to rant at the shit who took his wife. Men are usually very impulsive about this sort of thing!

At the moment you are in the role of sensible nag, telling him to do the right thing - a thing that doesn't feel as narcotically good as the promise of her (even though we - and deep down he - knows the romance phase won't last, especially once fallout with dcs etc commences). Once he sees his relationship with her is built on lies by hopefully exposing HER lies and HER as a liar, you will start to look much better. TBH if she is now stalling maybe that's why he is reassessing things with you. The bubble is bursting; I think you should give it some help. Her story sounds very fishy...

Agree with Abdelia, very odd that OW H has not made contact yet if he knows, especially if he has been told you know, and why would they tell him you don't?
Where are she and her DD living - can't believe the H is there meekly accepting the situation - 100 to 1 he hasn't been told - interesting if OW has lied to your H and has been duped by her...

Mmm. Who knows (as was my experience), maybe she is just a galloping narcissist who needs to push things to the point where she thinks a man would give up all he holds dear, just for her, in order to boost her ego, while promising thw world yet trying to stay married and undiscovered herself?

Well I can't even get him to tell me exactly WHAT the OW is telling her daughter this week (about her and my H, or just that she and her H are separating?) so I think you're all right about the lies and cover up. Think he is just biding his time while either he or the OW gets another job at a different school as he keeps saying they wouldn't ever take their r/ship forward while she is at their school (he still insists that they haven't slept together - think I believe him, but he won't accept that even if they haven't that it's still an affair).

I think I do need to contact her H, have managed to find what I think is their landline number. Am off for a couple of days later this week to visit a friend, while my H takes DD to see her granny, so might try then.

And I have LOTS of nights out, friends visiting and fun things planned...

Good for you, Maggie. I wasn't convinced about contacting her H at first, but now think that would be a sensible course of action.

Stay strong!

Oh bravo Maggie! Watch this unravel now. That phone call will be one of the best you ever make. Believe me, either he is lying to you, she is lying to him, or they are both lying to eachother and everyone else.

Unlike you, I think it extremely unlikely that they haven't had sex. What he's asking you to believe is that he'd leave his marriage before having sex, but he cannot countenance working together if they are having sex. That would be a first.

Agree wholeheartedly with WWIFN about the sex!

Is there a directory of all the children's parents' numbers. maybe the office at the school would give you one.

My advice - again - chuck him out. You will feel infinitely better in the long-run. He has AND STILL is betraying you and your child, please don't waste any more time in getting him to change his mind because you will always be feeling he doesn't love you 'enough'. Get the ball rolling, put the frightners up him about the reality of life without you and his child and don't look back. Easier said than done, but otherwise, like me, this will drag on for months and months. He has to miss you before he becomes clear on what he really wants, so don't give him the luxury of thinking he has a choice to make. The choice was made after, having been outed, he continues to make plans with this other woman. If I were you, against my previous advice, I would shop them both to the school, the selfish shits. Be comforted by the fat it will never work out between them and although it doesn't seem like it now, you are the one in control. Keep us posted x

Maggie - well done for organising things for you and your trip away and it will give him a taste of looking after a child 24/7.
If you do decide to call OWH, think it out carefully before you call, the message you want to convey because he might not give you the chance to speak much, good thing to write down key points, stay calm. This about teh best time for you to call and what the likley timings of their family life. The phone may ring unanswered if all are out, or she may answer. may be one option to get your friend to call so can claim wrong number if OW answers.
Interesting if when you call she is in, so he can tackle her immediately.
He may not believe you.
Don't take it personally if he takes it out on you as the messenger - in the medium and long term he will be grateful to you.Don't be thrown if he says he knows and they are mid-divorce, or if he has instigated a separateion because HE has an OW, or does not react at all as you are a stranger calling ou of the blue and may be malicious or mischief-maker.
Can't remember what the caller-id-withheld code is you put in before you ring, but may want to do that.
If you can afford it, one thing a colleague did in a similar situation was to buy a rock bottom cheapie payg phone from woolies (RIP) - presume same in superdrug/asda etc so the number is unconnnected to you in the event the OWH turns out to be the type to keep calling you to comiserate, sob, unload etc and you can keep separate form your 'normal' calls.
Good luck - we are all on your side.

Maggie - firstly you are doing so well.

one thing in your post really struck a chord with me. 'he asked me what he should do' - he is asking you to be his 'mother' he wants to be the naughty boy and that you will tell him off and tell him what to do. He is also saying he cant do it - poor him! He wants your sympathy too. Once again he does not want to face up to what he has done.

I am not surprised the owh has not contacted you - my owh never contacted me and the ow had already moved out of the family home by the time i finally did find out for sure. I did call him once i found out and told him i knew what was going on - and then the ow was cross with me. I think it is because then the pair of them can believe their own little lies without having anyone else tell them the truth.
I would still contact him though even if just to give your supprot to him saying you know what an awful time he must be going through too.

I also think him saying at a friends is a bit convinient for him - not being able to have dd - try and force him to. Also i think i would be packing his stuff up and asking him where he wants it stored.

Have you got legal advice yet - it really did help me to see that i would be ok and gave the message to h that i was going to take control of my life and not play to his tune. It was then he really did come to his senses and see the ow for what she was.

Good luck

Just wanted to say how much I admire how you're handling this . I wish I had had you and MN to advise me!

Hi Maggie, just wondering how things are. We haven't heard from you in a while.

I was telling my friend about your story yesterday, and how I wish I had had your fortitude when I found out about my DW's affair.