Found condoms and an odd receipt

[guttedandworried]

Its not good is it??

DH bought me and our 2 DD identical fragrance gift sets for Xmas. All in an indentical gift bag.

He joked with me that it was a buy 2 get 3rd free deal.

Well tonite for some totally random unknown reason I found his wallet on the bed and I dont know why but I nosied through it.

I found 2 receipts for this gift set. It was a BOGOF deal. He paid for the first 2 sets with his debit card, then 5 minutes later purchased another 2 sets (identical) but this time with cash.

3 sets are accounted for between me and our 2 DD. Where is the 4th? and why buy the 2nd 2 with cash not card?

This got my mind racing. So I went through his trouser pockets and found 2 condoms. 2 of ours - well same brand etc ( we use condoms atm).

He has been off work since Xmas eve but on call and has been called into work almost everyday (except Xmas day). He has been gone hours everytime. He has openly said he may or has popped into town to check out a few sales on his way home. TBH - the nature of his job and his call outs mean he could be out for 1 hour or 10 hours - so that means nothing. But the trousers he wore to work this week are the ones with the condoms in.

When he was called in on Boxing Day - he made some comment about not needing/bothering to wear his overalls and just went in his casual clothes. Not too unusual - as he sometimes does not bother with overalls BUT these are brand spanking new trousers he had for Xmas.

Maybe I am reading too much into everything else but the condoms and the receipt alone are enough to make my blood run cold.

I have been snooping since he has gone to bed. I cannot get onto his laptop as I cannot find the power supply for it. But in his laptop bag I found a gift bag (similar but not the same as the ones me and the girls had our Xmas gifts in). I cannot think of anything else he brought me, the girls, his mum etc that the gift bag would have come with.

I want to snoop in the car - but he has brought the company car home tonite and although I am sat here with the keys I am too scared to try opening it etc incase an alarm or something goes off!!

I have decided not to confront him yet and to see what else turns up in the coming days. I KNOW he wont admit to anything even with the condoms etc.

I am not jumping to conclusions am I? . What would you think if you found a reciept like I did (and there is question of WHERE is missing fragrance set)and 2 condoms in you OH trouser pocket?

Sorry for sounding so dumb - part of me is in calm shock the other is in part denial. I cant be doing with this atm - not that I have a choice.

well if my dh had an affair or drunken tumble, i would seriously see no difference. He would have been unfaithful, whatever the reasons for it.

Would I forgive him for either? In a word no. He could get drunk again. Would i want to live a life in turmoil everytime he had a drink when i wasn't there? No. IMO he would have thought very little of me in order to do it in the first place.

Because there is more to life than spending it with someone who clearly didnt give a damn about me or the family we have created together.

I have seen my friends suffer horrendously from their partners infidelity, one night stands and full blown affairs, if they decide to stay together, they are wrecked with stress, and if they seperate they become stronger happier women mostly.

LOl, don't patronise me Dit- finding disagreement hard to deal with, eh? I don't think so.

Can you never reply to anyone who disagrees without firing a below the belt shot? You come over as a bit nasty at times.
Stick to the argument.

I think you are mistaking condescension for philosophical discussion- can't you see the difference?

I can see that I am beating my head against a brick wall.
If you substitute could for should here "As I said already, you really don't get to decide that on behalf of someone else purp. There's no "should" about anything for a betrayed partner. How they feel is how they feel." then we are really saying the same thing.

We are not talking marriage vows, some people aren't married!!!

I am trying to talk about real life. whereas you keep trying to put everything into neat little "should behave/shouldn't behave" boxes and have no truck with anyone who operates outside those confines.

erm, OP, is any of this helping at all ?

Tee hee! Dittany called purplepeony 'purp'. Like 'parp'

Let's not get too hypothetical.

I was thinking purp as in perp (perpetrator)

Oh dear, I think I watch too many shitty US cop shows

Purp's fine- it's kind of cute. Keep it coming.

gutted, come back love and let us know how you are

everyone on this thread feels for you, whatever their viewpoint

you must be devastated, whatever the abstract rights/wrongs/grey areas of this situation might be

Because i know myself better and i am now more able to voice the way i feel to my h i do feel that i could walk away with the knowledge that he had not taken my feelings into account.

However a lot of people say the vows without really really thinking what they mean - is there a difference between emotional and sexual affairs for instance?

Only after the event can you decide where your boundaries lie and then tell your partner exactly where they are.

It is lack of communication on many levels that is the main problem that leads to affairs.

Unless we make it perfectly clear where our own boundaries are we cannot expect others to know.

And threads like this show that there is a huge difference in what people find acceptable within a relationship.

Yeah dittany that was what I thought was the worst thing, and it's not even properly connected to whether he's shagging around or not. It's the lack of consideration for someone else's feelings. If my DP was upset because he believed something about me that wasn't true, and was on the verge of not trusting me, if I could prove it to him I would like a shot.

Dit when I said aggresive earlier I didn't mean it in a violent way just a bit um not liking other peoples view perhaps. Peony has a point. Am I forgiven this time?

the thing you have to understand about Dittany is that she is absolutely black and white on these types of issues

and will not be swayed

better people have tried and failed

fabulous if you need someone to fight your corner, but uncompromising if you happen to have an opposite viewpoint

If my partner said it was 'meaningless' I would NOT find that reassuring! I would think what, you are prepared to devastate me over something that meant NOTHING????

Op I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. He has no right to treat you this way.

Dittany, FWIW I've posted on here under a couple of names and I really like where you tend to be coming from. I think you are very supportive to your fellow women.

Dit no one is getting at you, we are all here for a reason right?

I hope Gutted comes back on soon with an update.

I absolutely understand why those who haven't gone through this (presumably) are incredulous at forgiveness. I think I would have been in the same camp. I would however like to challenge some of the assumptions that those people might have.

There are in fact hordes of men who would forgive infidelity too - I know a few such men personally. As it turns out, of all the people I know personally who've been affected by infidelity, it is the men who have been less blaming and angry. My H would have forgiven me.

Infidelity IS a big deal and so it should be, if you've made a commitment to be monogamous. It is selfish behaviour, but it does not necessarily mean that there is no love for the primary partner.

It surprised the hell out of me - and I might be on my own with this one - but sex became better than ever after discovery. I genuinely think this is because we had started to communicate honestly about our feelings for the first time in years and intimacy for us was enhanced. We just don't leave things unspoken any more and we communicate brilliantly.

Yes, there were some awful images in my head, but we discussed them and my H was able to reassure me. Every day since discovery day (16 months) my H has told me how beautiful and desirable I am and how much he loves me. He completely restored my esteem as a sexual partner, because of course that takes a battering in the wake of an affair. I do however acknowledge that in his case, sex wasn't the driving force in his affair - instead it was the need to be adored and respected - and so this may have been easier for me in relation to sex.

I didn't come at this from the perspective of what was he getting that I wasn't giving. I treated it as an opportunity for me to get what he wasn't giving. In the process however, I learned that we had both made mistakes not nurturing each other sufficiently and that we had - and have - an equal responsibility for that.

I thought for 24 years that my H loved me more than I loved him. He thought the same. I'd stopped seeing him as an attractive man and I can understand why he didn't feel adored or respected. But it could have been me in his shoes, having the affair and it helped me to understand that and own up to it.

The reason my love for him is empowering is because I now know that we love equally. It is actually a much better place to be, knowing that you love someone as much as I love him. I didn't like feeling that he was more into me than I was into him and our love for one another now feels more honest and passionate.

We both know - after all this pain, but after all the closeness we have achieved - that further infidelity would be the end of our marriage, because we place so much importance on it now. Like HW says, monogamy might have been implicit in the marriage vows, but we didn't ever have what I'd call a truly grown-up conversation about the possibility of it happening to us - we assumed it never would. As a couple, we have had several such conversations now and we have "affair-proofed" our marriage.

Which brings us back to our OP. A second infidelity, after seeing the pain the first time round and being fully aware of the hurt and destruction, should not be forgiven IMO. Few people engaging in a first affair do so with the intention of hurting - and until they actually see the pain, they cannot comprehend what that feels like.

A second breach cannot be explained therefore by anything other than an intention to hurt.

Gutted i'm goin to call ya GUTSY cos you are going to sort things this time,you just need a bit of a plan.You know already that you need to strengthen your inner core and maybe some counselling would help this just to give you a boost ,strengthen your weaknesses and also make you more awareof your strengths .Sometimes just talking to someone confidentially and getting a non judgemental answer can help make a massive difference to how we cope with these real life situations.Assertiveness is one of the most amazing skills a woman can have and one that can be learnt ,and confidence is very attractive .Whatever has gone on don't make yourself ill with worry cos thats all bad for you and you deserve better ,but you know that already you deserve to be cherished we all do.I know that after 3 appointments i had to stop making excuses for my oh behaviour and accept that i deserved to be treated better ,supported more etc but you work out things yourself allows you to find the real you and definately helps with the paranoia.See it as a treat like a facial or a manicure Hell why not go wild and do all 3.Prob costs about40 quid a pop but you have earned it girlie .Thinking of you -just gone thru similar thing myself and seperated
and whether we get back together or not will never be the mouse that i was .We all deserve to flourish xxx

was not sure what to say here but purplepeony said it all for me, and more eloquently.
OP hope you are ok

WOW!! Blimey!! This thread has certainly taken off in my absence.

Sorry I have not been online today. We took the DC out shopping to spend their Xmas money, gift cards and tokens.

One of us went one way with one daughter and the other the other way with other daughter - as is the norm for us on epic shopping day trips (not that we do them that often). We went to a town about an hour away from here. We left home this morning and got back at 8pm tonight!! (EPIC)!! On the plus side I had a lovely day out with my my daughter(s) and a well needed distraction from all this misery and crap!!

So its all brushed under the carpet for now! We came home had tea, dealt with the kids purchases etc and then he flopped on the sofa and he is now asleep there! He has made no mention of my outburst yesterday nor his locker but then neither have I.

I am feeling quite washed out now (long day and several nights of broken sleep) so am thinking perhaps tomorrow we may get a chance to talk more rationally when we are not so tired and can hopefully "plug the kids in" to their latest hi tech gadgets and actually have an uninterrupted convo.

He is acting normal. Being very helpful and kind etc but no discussion. I have seen this before though - the guilty attentiveness is what I call it!!

I think I am fine atm. It is very late and I am absolutely dead on my feet so will hopefully get back online tomorrow and have a proper read through of everyones comments - have tried reading the additional 8 pages tonite but am struggling as I am so tired.

Thank you though for taking the trouble to help, advise, add your comments and opinions on this. It is really helping me - I do not feel quite so isolated. My best friend is some miles away and although at the end of a phone is struggling with some awful issues of her own atm - so being able to "talk" on here is a great help.

If he's not mentioned it and is brushing it under the carpet, then that seems suss to me, like he wants it all forgotten about.

Weird.