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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH punched me last night - I can't talk to anyone else

149 replies

NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 14:44

This is the first time it has ever happened.

I am shocked, and in a lot of pain. I think I have a deep tissue injury to my arm.

There's no-one in RL who I want to confide in.

Have name changed.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 16/12/2009 14:46

your gp maybe as a starting point?

womens aid....they can offer options.

don't put up with this behaviour,it will only escalate

Rindercella · 16/12/2009 14:49

Go and see either your GP or go to A%E if the GP feels too close to you.

I personally think you should try and confide in someone in RL though, however tough that is. Otherwise it somehom makes it less real. Getting it out in the open could be the best thing you do.

Speak to Women's Aid to get advice.

I am so sorry, you must be going through hell.

CMOTdibbler · 16/12/2009 14:52

You need to get someone to look at your arm - GP, or walk in centre if you feel better somewhere more impersonal.

Womens Aid can talk to you about what happened, and what to do next.

Do you feel safe now ?

Original poster

NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 14:54

That's one of the things that really upsets me. Everything I have ever read always says that once men become violent, it only ever escalates. All of a sudden my life and future seems to have turned upside down.

I feel like someone has sucked all my vibrancy out of me today. I am so numb and sad.

Am too embarrassed to go to my GP, don't want it on my notes for professional reasons, and wouldn't trust myself not to break down in tears.

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 16/12/2009 14:54

I'm so sorry ot hear this . You mst be feeling pretty shaky.

This is totally wrong. Please do speak to somebody in RL about it. Don't bottle it up.

2kidzandi · 16/12/2009 14:54

He's a Wimp. When did he punch you? Were you arguing? Leave him! Don't give him time to apologise you round.

LouLouH · 16/12/2009 14:54

What an arse! My ex physically abused me once, and that was the only opportunity he got. Once a boundary has ben crossed it can be crossed too easily again.

MamaLazarou · 16/12/2009 15:01

I am so, so sorry OP. Is there someone you can go and stay with for a day or two - someone who won't ask questions if you ask them not to?

Original poster

NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 15:02

He was doing his best to start an argument - I wouldn't respond. I said I'm not going to have an argument with you, and went to walk out of the room. He threw the remote control at me, then came running at me, and punched me really hard on the arm, right on my bicep.

I didn't react, I just walked away, pretended to do something in the kitchen for a few minutes, then went upstairs, got changed and then left the house.

My arm is absolute agony today, and in fact I didn't sleep with pain last night. Last night all my fingers lost sensation. Today the muscle is really tender, rock hard lump about the size of a large orange, and funny pale blue bruising. Is there anyone who can advise on self treatment? I have been taking paracetemol and brufen, and applied arnica cream, but it feels very deep.

OP posts:

mrsboogiefairylights · 16/12/2009 15:03

What led up to it? Have things been going wrong for a while? Was drik involved? Not that there are any mitigating circumstnaces but it helps to get a picture.

You really need to get him out of the house. Can you get him to go and stay with his parents or a sibling or friend until you have worked out where to go from here?

Whatever you do, do NOT give in to the desire to "forget" it and carry on as normal because it is too painful to confront the reality of what he has done or because you don't want to spoil Christmas for the kids or are too embarrassed. You should shout it from the rooftops. You have been violently assaulted in a criminal act of violence and you should be reporting it to the police. If you were mugged by a stranger you wouldn't be keeping it quiet and you should keep this quiet either - unless you can get him to go quickly and quietly.

SleighBelleDameSansMerci · 16/12/2009 15:05

Please try to tell someone in RL. Someone who hopefully won't judge you whatever you decide to do.

You need to talk to someone who knows you.

My upbringing was full of violence (not directed at me) and I am fully aware of the impact it had on my mother and our whole family. Please, please get some support now so that if things do escalate you have things sorted in your head before you need to take action.

mrsboogiefairylights · 16/12/2009 15:07

have just read your last post. Sounds like he wanted to hit you (rather thsan losing control) again, one is no worse than the other but, reading that, I would be willing to bet it will happen again very soon.

You have GOT to get him out of the house.

Please go to the police. You will have to in the end.

coldtits · 16/12/2009 15:07

you know you need to end this relationship. Next time the deep tissue injury might be your head - your brain. Your children don't need a brain damaged mother

StrictlyKatty · 16/12/2009 15:09

I'm so sorry for you

I think once you reach the point of being frightened of someone you need to get out.

Original poster

NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 15:10

No drink.

He apologised immediately afterwards, and told me that he was under a lot of pressure at work.

His mum has also been very manipulative lately, and it has been causing us quite a bit of stress. He swings between disliking her behaviour, and submitting to the guilt trips she is laying on him.

It was very obvious he was trying to take things out on me - he was fabricating issues to row about, and trying to say that I was in bad form.

The thing is, it is so unlike him, he is normally very gentle and easy going. Sure we have rows from time to time, and when I think about it, I have posted here many times under my normal name about how he is being an arse - but until last night, never violent.

I went to my Mum's last night - she chatted to me, but said she thought it could be a one off, and that he was clearly very stressed. She advised that now was not the time to be issuing ultimatums to him.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyonthetreeeatscake · 16/12/2009 15:10

The part of your post that strikes me is that you can't report it for 'professional reasons' - this is not your fault, domestic violence happens in the professional classes too.

You deserve to be treated with respect. Please please get some medical help.

I'm so sorry for whats happened to you.

SueMunch · 16/12/2009 15:10

Leave now.

If you can't leave, then you must tell someone you trust.

I'm really sorry to hear this. You don't deserve this and should not put up with it.

I can only echo LouLouh - it's a line that has been crossed.

Rindercella · 16/12/2009 15:13

Did you tell your Mum that he hit you? That he really hurt you?

problemsproblemsproblems · 16/12/2009 15:14

Numb, I've been where you are now. My husband was violent to me on many occasions for a period of about 10 years. He stopped 9 years ago when I walked out. I went back later that night to collect ds and pack our bags and told him that I did not feel safe in my own home and was going to a hostel. He was sickened at his own behaviour esp. the part about me not feeling safe at home.

Since that night he has not laid a finger on me. It took hard evidence that I was not going to put up with his behaviour any more to make him change, and to give him his due he has worked very hard on his anger and now rarely loses his temper and never, as I say, touches me.

SueMunch · 16/12/2009 15:15

And sorry, but poor advice from your Mom.

AnnieBeansMum · 16/12/2009 15:15

Oh I am so sorry. But please do not think for an instant that this is a one off as your mother suggests. If you let him get away with violence once, he will carry on and the intensity will definitely escalate. Stress at work is absolutely not an excuse to use violence against anyone - I don't care how stressful your job is, there is no excuse for this type of behaviour.

Please please get some help and get yourself and your children somewhere safe. How do you know he won't lash out against the children next time? You must protect yourself and your children. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you or your decision - what matters is that you are safe.

vulpes · 16/12/2009 15:16

it will escalate if you dont do anything about it.

please go to the Dr, if for no other reason than you then have it on record that you were hit.

and frankly, i think your mom should have offered to go round there and smack him one back, not made excuses for him

i bet YOU are under pressure too and it didnt occur to YOU to take a massive swing at your husband. you know, on the off chance it might relieve your stress.

mrsboogiefairylights · 16/12/2009 15:16

your mother has no basis for saying tis probably a one off and it is singularly unhelpful of her to say so.

It is up to you whether you are prepared to cntinue with the marriage after this - but he must get out so that you are safe and get some help or you will become a punching bag. That line is one that most men would never ever cross - now that he has crossed it - it will be easier to cross again.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/12/2009 15:17

Your Mum is wrong, sorry; really wrong. Once is too often. Now IS the time, not to issue ultimatums but to get out and get safe.

Squarah · 16/12/2009 15:19

You poor thing - how horrendous. Nothing you or anyone else did excuses his behaviour.

I am a GP - please see one - they don't have to write everything down in your notes but opening up a non-judgemental conversation with someone else can be so helpful. And it sounds like you deserve to cry - it's a totally understandable response - maybe it would help the numbness.

Women get abused on average 38 times before they report it - don't become a statistic. And if, heaven forbid, it ever comes to anything legal it would be worth having your injuries documented. You can very legitimately ask for an emergency appointment and you don't have to be any more specific over the phone as to your reasons.

There's also refuge who have a freephone number, if you don't want to talk to anyone face-to-face they'll be so understanding and experienced.

Good luck.

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