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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH punched me last night - I can't talk to anyone else

149 replies

NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 14:44

This is the first time it has ever happened.

I am shocked, and in a lot of pain. I think I have a deep tissue injury to my arm.

There's no-one in RL who I want to confide in.

Have name changed.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 16/12/2009 15:48

Numb, I've been there (with a dislocated finger rather than a punch). I know what the disbelief is like.

I strongly recommend that you get the injury documented - this may help a lot in any future dispute over your dcs. You don't want to hear him claiming you're making this up.

I'm in agreement with those who say leave now, but to be fair, it took me a year after the dislocated finger incident (there was enough doubt in my mind to make me think it might have been an accident).

Please do talk to Women's Aid. You don't need to carry this burden alone..

mrsboogiefairylights · 16/12/2009 15:49

the absolute worst thing you can do now is collude with him in acting as if nothing happened. he is doing that to see whether you will play along. If you do, he gets the message that you will put up with being his punch bag. In fact, if you wanted your marriage to survive this you would do well to go to the police or at least kick him out.

If he is forced to confront what he has done and feel the shame of it, he might seek help for his problem and maybe, just maybe not do it again. Its a big maybe though.

But if you go along with the pretence for an easy life he will feel free to do it again, and, he will, I promise, because a man who was sick with shame of his actions would not be on the phone pretending he hadn't done it. He is deluding himself and you are letting him.

Imagine you had cold bloodedly, violently assaulted your best friend? - would you phone her up for a cosy chat and expect her to get over it and not mention it because you had been stressed?

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 16/12/2009 15:49

Don't think that far ahead, numb, take it a step at a time. First of all, make sure that you and your children are safe. Then, make sure you get your arm looked at.

christiana · 16/12/2009 15:50

Message withdrawn

ChrisMissWooWoo · 16/12/2009 15:50

the fact that he phoned you "like nothing happened" doesn't bode well.

At the very least he should be absolutely bricking it and he should be begging, begging you for forgiveness. At the very least.

I have no advice as to what you should do but I'm pretty sure I'm right in my thinking on what he should be doing. And I'm pretty sure that this shouldn't get brushed under the carpet.

you love, deserve better

ChrisMissWooWoo · 16/12/2009 15:51

x-post with mrsboogie

Hassled · 16/12/2009 15:52

I'm really sorry - you must be going for hell. Please do get your arm checked - a prepared note is a really good idea - and then see if you and the DCs can go and stay at your mother's for a few days while you work out what you want to do.

dittany · 16/12/2009 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 16/12/2009 15:55

the thing is - you probably wont leave him. but now you should be at a stage of heightened awareness.

you need to explore all your options. make sure you are in full knowledge of where to go.

put all your documents in one place - so you can easily put your hands on them. make sure you have your bank cards, birthcertificates, passports. Because once you leave - you will have to prove your identity to the relevant agencies like benefits and housing etc.

look up what benefits you might be entitled to

get a free session from a solicitor.

phone the refuge.org website to just get some information.

put some clothes in an old suitcase for you and your child and store it somewhere - incase you just want to leave.

organise your kitchen cupboards as such that you have some non perishable goods you can dash into a bag.

know your rights regarding your housing situation - know them thoroughly.

ask him to source and attend some councelling as a conditin that you stay.

it is important HE sources it - not you.

its stuff that neds to be present in your brain.

Original poster
NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 15:56

I really don't feel I can go to the police. I am a high ranking officer in a gossipy male dominated force.

I used to manage a DV unit ffs.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 16/12/2009 15:58

Then you know that you can't ignore this. You just can't.

christiana · 16/12/2009 15:58

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 16/12/2009 15:59

so you know everything already.

if you just want a chat you can mail me on

creamy custardo at hotmail dot com.

have been through something similar

and i work in housing - and had to go to housing department at the council and spill my guts!

coldtits · 16/12/2009 15:59

What the hell has that got to do with not going to the police? You think they'll sack you because a criminal attacked you violently (and yes, your husband is a criminal. You are currently living with a violent offender, and so are your children)

christiana · 16/12/2009 16:01

Message withdrawn

Original poster
NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 16:03

No - wouldn't sack me - but there would be a lot who would gossip, judge, and, quite frankly, revel in my misfortune.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 16/12/2009 16:04

Anyone who would revel in someone being assaulted is a first class moron, IMO. Stuff 'em. It doesn't matter how anyone else reacts, what matters is how you react. You must send a very strong, clear message. Now.

cestlavielife · 16/12/2009 16:04

so what? so they see your bruise and take things "into their own hands"? so they might go there and arrest him? - is just what he needs.....

you must report this while your arm is still sore and you have the "evidence" right there.

and if you break down with GP so much the better. stop trying to pretend it hasnt happened.....

yes he could get anger managment etc but if this has arisen after a pattern of controlling and abusive behaviour which has gone on for what? months? years? -then will take a long long time to sort out.... for now at least this marriage has to be over....

you cannot do this to yourself or your children you have to protect both them and you....

AnnieBeansMum · 16/12/2009 16:05

"there would be a lot who would gossip, judge, and, quite frankly, revel in my misfortune"

Horrible as that may be, are you prepared to place your pride above the safety of you and your child???

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but are you?

MaggieAnFiaRua · 16/12/2009 16:05

you poor thing.. i remember having finger shaped bruises on my cheek and tyring to cover them up. your mum is mad. luckily my mum was always on at me to leave my x. i don't know if i would have managed to leave if my mum, (who above everybody else is supposed to believe her daughter is worth MORE than being hit) had been trying to make light of being hit.....

they never only hit you once. i can't even remember the first time. or the second or the third. he worked up to it. pushes, shoves, rougher pushes, then a poke, a rougher poke, until i thought nothing of the fact that he'd hit me.

i remember realising that i had completely lost count of the number of times he'd hit me though.

get out while you still have the energy to get out.

Original poster
NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 16:06

custy, thanks for the practical advice.

It does feel like this is a thread about someone else, or that I am somehow making it up. Very surreal.

I really have to go. Will check back later.

OP posts:
christiana · 16/12/2009 16:06

Message withdrawn

Anniegetyourgun · 16/12/2009 16:07

Then they are revolting people. As bad as the man who has actually punched his wife and damaged her arm. They are supposed to be there to help victims, not laugh at them.

That's an awful, awful reason to let him get away with it.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 16/12/2009 16:07

I am shocked at the advice your mother has given you. I can't help but think of what I would do if my daughter were to tell me in the future that her DH had done what your has.

MaggieAnFiaRua · 16/12/2009 16:07

coldtits, your post 15.46 is so true. i was being hit fairly regularly and verbally abused and controlled, but i didn't think of any of this abused woman stuff applied to me at the time. I had the strength to go inside myself and know that he was the one with the problem and i was sane and i could compartmentalise things and i could function normally and i was skilled at hiding it and maintaining a facade or happiness.

what a feather to my bow ey?