Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH punched me last night - I can't talk to anyone else

149 replies

NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 14:44

This is the first time it has ever happened.

I am shocked, and in a lot of pain. I think I have a deep tissue injury to my arm.

There's no-one in RL who I want to confide in.

Have name changed.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/12/2009 15:19

'Everything I have ever read always says that once men become violent, it only ever escalates.'

It will. My SIL is thankfully still alive to prove that.

Shite advice from your mum, sorry.

There's no such thing as a 'one off' when it comes to domestic abuse, and what if, even the first time, he'd gone for your eyes or head?

The relationship is over.

Please go to Women's Aid or a refuge as soon as you can.

turkeydrumstix · 16/12/2009 15:20

Numb, can you get to an NHS walk in centre to get your arm checked out - they wont report anything back to your doctor.
I'm sorry but I too think that your Mum is wrong. This is exactly the time to walk away.

Original poster
NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 15:24

He has just phoned from work, like nothing happened.

My eyes are so red that I have had to tell my DD that it is a dust allergy (she bought it, she is only 4 1/2), and I ended up crying in M&T this morning over something silly.

I know that all the posts from people saying it will escalate are true. The enormous repercussions of this just seem too much to take in at the moment.

I can understand why women stay, hoping it will get better or stop.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 16/12/2009 15:25

My DH is also under huge stress at work. He has never, never hit me. Loving husbands, hell, decent men do not hit the people they love. Ever. Do not excuse his behaviour. He has hurt you, and he meant to do it. He was, in your words, looking for an argument. Looking for an excuse to hit you. The only response to this behaviour is to ask him to leave. Whatever happens in the future, he cannot be allowed to stay right now.

Rindercella · 16/12/2009 15:25

Numb, did you tell your Mum that he punched you?

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 16/12/2009 15:26

But numb, while you are waiting for it to get better, he might seriously injure you. He might kill you. Your mother is not giving you sensible advice.

SlinkyDinky · 16/12/2009 15:26

I am so sorry that you are going through this Your mind must be reeling and you wont be thinking straight yet I imagine. Stay strong though, and make sure you make the right decision for you & your DD.

StrictlyKatty · 16/12/2009 15:28

So sorry for you I hope you'll be ok.

The really important thing is that you clearly totally accpet that what he did was wrong and you are not brushing it under the carpet or making excuses for him so you are already doing really well.

Good luck with everything.

cestlavielife · 16/12/2009 15:29

you have to get medical attention for your arm and you must report this to someone.

your H must not come back in the house - pretending nothing happened or listening to your mum " it could be a one off, and that he was clearly very stressed" is not an option.

we all get stressed - we dont go punch people...if we do we face the consequences.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2009 15:30

'I can understand why women stay, hoping it will get better or stop.'

My SIL did. For years.

Until he ran over her and she was taken by ambulance to hospital, where SS informed her they'd need to consider putting the children in foster care if she wished to go back to her partner.

That was nearly 3 years ago.

Her life is so much better now.

She can't believe she stayed so long!

Original poster
NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 15:31

Thanks. Rinder - yes, I told her.

I have been getting physio and steroid injections in my shoulder, and I think the force must have really jolted the joint, because it is really sore, as are the muscles in my neck.

Jeez - I never thought I would be sitting typing this.

OP posts:
dittany · 16/12/2009 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StrictlyKatty · 16/12/2009 15:34

OMG you are getting steriod injections? That was one heck of a punch, a punch designed to really hurt not just a 'leave me alone I'm frustrated' typle of punch (which would also be totally wrong!)

Please look after yourself, he is clearly strong enough to do you serious damage.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2009 15:34

you need to go to a walk in centre or A&E and get it checked, Numb.

we went through the stress of the homelessness process regularly, but we didn't use it as excuse to punch each other.

dittany · 16/12/2009 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rindercella · 16/12/2009 15:35

Oh bloody hell. I am so sorry that your mother gave you such crap advice. Please go and get yourself checked out. And please do not allow your H to carry on as though nothing has happened - that will just validate his behaviour.

christiana · 16/12/2009 15:37

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 16/12/2009 15:38

very sorry to hear this as happened to you. Hae you any idea what steps you are going to take next?

christiana · 16/12/2009 15:39

Message withdrawn

MollieO · 16/12/2009 15:39

Do you have children? Did they witness your dh hit you? Did you take them to your mum's last night? What will you do if it happens again?

Tortington · 16/12/2009 15:40

as a matter of information, if you turned up at the homelessness section of the council reporting domestic violence - they have a statuatory duty to house you - this would prob be at a shelter.

it would give you space to think if nothing else. and may make him understand the seriousness of his actions.

btw, do you own or rent your home?

Tortington · 16/12/2009 15:41

refuge

NancyDrewRocks · 16/12/2009 15:45

God I am so sorry.

Please go and stay somewhere else with your DD for a few days and get some perspective.

This may be unhelpful and I am certainly going against the grain but I do believe there is such a thing as a "one off". Almost 15 years ago (when DH was in his late teens/early 20's and before we were married) we had a fight. We were both very drunk and he slapped me in the face.

He has never done anything like that since. Not even close. He deeply regreted what he did both at the time and I am sure he still does although TBH that incident has not been discussed in at least 10 years.

I trust him implicitly and have never felt that he is any threat to me or our DC's nor do I feel like he has to try to control himself in any way. I'm sure there are people on this board who will tell you that I am naive but I honestly think he had a moment of madness.

Original poster
NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 15:46

Dittany - you have posted before when I complained about his behaviour. I recognise the passive aggressive, obstructive, stuff. Immediately beforehand he was calling me names, insulting my family - trying to get me to react. I think that is what was different last night. I refused to get drawn into an argument.

I had better go because my 2 DC are getting bored with the scooby doo movie downstairs.

Thank you all for taking the time to post. I will try to get an appt with my GP - I might have to hand a note to the Dr explaining what happened, because I don't trust myself not to break down.

Do you think it always has to end with the marriage splitting up? I wonder if there is any help he could get? (I know exactly that this sounds like I am in denial).

OP posts:
coldtits · 16/12/2009 15:46

This thread - it feels like it's not about you, doesn't it? That they must all be talking to someone else, because you are a strong woman who would never allow herself to be treated so appallingly?

Strong, caring women are at HIGH risk of abuse. Because it's harder for us to get to the point that we admit we can cope no more..... we need to realise that we do not HAVE to 'cope' with a partner who mistreats us. We should never have to 'cope' with another adult.

He is violent and abusive. He may also be gentle, kind, caring, sweet and generous, I'm sure you love him, but as well as all this, he is violent and abusive. Next time it might be your head. Who is going to look after your children if you are hospitalised or dead and he is in jail?