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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH punched me last night - I can't talk to anyone else

149 replies

NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 14:44

This is the first time it has ever happened.

I am shocked, and in a lot of pain. I think I have a deep tissue injury to my arm.

There's no-one in RL who I want to confide in.

Have name changed.

OP posts:

jeni7 · 18/12/2009 20:00

Numb, the workers at womens aid are specifically trained to be non-judgemental, and anything you say will be in the strictest of confidence. Nobody there will tell you what to do either, but will help you explore all your options so you can come to your own decision.

Sending you all the moral support I can.

Louby3000 · 18/12/2009 20:24

Have been reading and watching this thread, and feel so awful for you numb. Can you let us know if you are OK?
It sometimes feels like at these times ones life is a house of cards and one action will see it all come tumbling down. I think from what you have said that that action for you would be reporting the incident.
Its OK to feel this vulnerable. Things will improve, you will find a way out of this. Don't wait for him to decide your fate.
Life has few intense pivitol moments. You are at one now. Lean on someone in RL, you will have friends or family who will lift you through this.
Sending you lots of support, confidence and clarity.

dinoroar · 18/12/2009 21:11

Numb, I grew up with violence.

Overall, what you've described worries me for the following reasons, which differ slightly from the opinions of the majority:

He is behaving as though it didn't happen. If it was a one off (and there is such a thing, although it is rare), I'd expect serious remorse and apologies.
He hit you very hard - you have sustained some pretty bad damage to your arm and IMO that is a hefty bit of violence to come out of nowhere. What I mean is that the escalation from no physical violence to that level was quick and that's worrying (what will be next?).

I can't decide about the location of the injury. It was on your arm:

-maybe because he wanted to be physically agressive, couldn't control his temper but wanted to hit you in a place where it would not cause catastrophic damage (like head etc)
-maybe because he wanted the injury to be covered up by your sleeves so nobody would see it (worrying)

I wonder what sort of argument you were having. If he was picking a fight over nothing, it's more worrying. If you were discussing something he felt strongly about and you refused to engage with him on the matter, he may have felt extremely frustrated and hence the incident (less worrying, although obviously I'm not trying to downplay things).

If you have already told your mum, you are already in a better position as you are not under his control and can have the support of your family. How much does he control you generally (not physically?)

Has any non physical anger been directed at your children? (worrying if so, you must protect them).

Sorry for your situation. You could take your own dated photos of the injury with your face in the picture as well (your mum could).

Metatron · 18/12/2009 21:16

Numb - he chose to hit you on your already sore arm. That tells you a lot about how calculated this was. He is now relying on continuing the norm so this can be turned round to be your fault.

Throw him out go to the docs. he does not deserve to get away with this. The longer it goes on for the more of your confidence and sense of self will be eroded. It took me three years to leave and I had no children to my abuser. I do have a nice dent in my ribcage the shape of his fist though.

Louby3000 · 18/12/2009 23:03

BUMP,
Night OP, hope you are OK.

ChippingIn · 19/12/2009 06:46

Numb - it's a lot to take on board isn't it. I can't imagine what you are going through, I just wanted to let you know that there are other people out there that are thinking of you.

Lisassister · 19/12/2009 07:16

Agree with everyone on here. Get out and don't tell him where you're going. Research shows that in domestic violence cases women are most at risk when they are a. pregnant, and b. when they leave. If he knows where you are, he will come to you and put you in danger. Please please put everything else to one side and get out and get safe. I worked with violent men for many years and it is NEVER a one-off. They can pull you back in with apologies, tears, victim stances etc. It will happen again.

colie · 19/12/2009 22:56

I am sure you are aware of all the statistics etc. I know your children will be your first consideration. How would you feel if they witnessed the next time? Or what if they heard it but you never knew they knew.

The affects on children are catastrophic. Post traumatic stress! If you don't feel able to leave now then please at least go to your gp on this occassion. If he is ever violent again then leave with your children.

I really hope you are ok.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 20/12/2009 18:37

How are you today? Sending you positive thought-waves.

midori1999 · 22/12/2009 21:56

Whilst I can appreciate what others are saying, the fact that he has been violent once does not neccesarily mean he will do it again.

I suspect your husband is acting like nothing has happened because he is mortified with what he has done. If your own mother (who knows this man, we don't) feels it is probably a one off, then either you are hiding things very well from her, or it is out of character for him. If you look on Womens Aid at teh signs of domestic violence, does that sound like him?

Of course, none of that makes it OK, and if you want to try and work things out, you MUST confront him, but if you have any doubt at all that you will be safe in doing so, have a third party there. There are various organisations out there which offer help to men who have been violent towards their partners and you could maybe make him getting this help a condition of you staying?

kettlechip · 22/12/2009 22:44

Numb hope you are ok. You must still be in massive shock. Please let us know you're safe if you get chance.

Original poster

NumbAndShocked · 29/12/2009 21:34

All, apologies for not updating earlier. I have not been near the internet for the last couple of weeks.

I am so touched that so many people have posted with support, and with their own experiences. Thank you, it has really helped.

The feeling of surrealism still exists.

I went to my GP, with a prepared note as I knew I would break down. He was really sympathetic. He thinks I may have sustained some nerve damage, and warned it may take approx 2 months for it to heal. My arm was absolute agony for ages, although it is not so bad now though the bruising is still visible and I am still getting pins & needles. I am seeing my specialist for a review appointment for my shoulder next week.

I spoke with my DH about what happened. He was apologetic, and again reiterated that he was very stressed with work. He said he was gutted by what had happened, and undertook it would never happen again. We have discussed ways of altering his working pattern to reduce stress - he is going to ask his boss for reduced hours. (I'm still really pissed off - I get really stressed by my job but don't go round starting arguments & hitting people ) - For those who asked, my DH is not in the same line of work as me.

At this point I am not prepared to end my marriage over what may (hopefully) be a one off incident, although nor do I intend to do nothing and wait in fear of a recurrence. I agree that DH needs to get some sort of external help in managing his stress and anger. I haven't as yet, but I am going to contact women's aid for my own support.

I have decided not to report this incident to the police. I have my own reasons for this decision - part of which is that I think there is generally a lack of support for DV victims who report abuse, yet remain with their spouses / partners. Nor am I prepared at this stage to be the subject of gossip within my job - whilst I work with some fantastic, dedicated, professional officers, there are sadly too many others who would try to undermine me - but misogyny within the police is too long a subject for this thread! Some may disagree with my decision. I have told my DH that should anything like this ever happen in the future, I will report it to the police.

I will be changing back to my normal posting name now. Thanks again for your words of advice, I hope never to have to post under such circumstances again.

OP posts:

DoingTheBestChristmasICan · 29/12/2009 21:51

I think you are a very brave woman & i wish you & your family all the best for the future.

Louby3000 · 29/12/2009 21:56

Have been looking on mumsnet for a while to see if you had posted. Am very relieved to hear that you are OK and things are getting better.
I wish you well.

babybouncer · 29/12/2009 22:01

Numb, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. If you start thinking about all the ways your life could be turned upside down, it may just seem too difficult. Instead, try to just take one step at a time and you will find that what needs to happen will. Writing on here was a good first step. Talking to your mum was another one. Now you should think about making yourself safe, either by getting out or getting dh out, and just take it one day at a time until you can face longer-term thinking.

This is not your fault.

babybouncer · 29/12/2009 22:04

sorry - didn't realise there were six pages to this post and hadn't read to the end when I posted my reply.

I hope it is all going well.

dittany · 29/12/2009 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SixtyFootDoll · 29/12/2009 22:07

Numb only just come across this thread.

Being a Police Officer myself ( ex DV)
I can totally sympathise with the course of action you are taking, and undersatand exactly why.
I know of at least 3 female officers suffering DV and they have been under enormous pressure to put pen to paper - and I dont think it is with their besst interests in mind, more about others promotion hopes IYSWIM.

Good luck to you.

VicarInaTinselTuTu · 29/12/2009 22:16

having just embarked on a career within the police i can understand your reticence in reporting and i hope too that this has been a one off mistake - a big one - by your DH.

you sound like you have thought this through, and while there is absolutely no justification for your DH actions, i too wish you well. i hope your DH is guilt ridden in knowing that he has caused you so much damage. id never allow it to happen again though,

has it changed your relationship at all? i think it would change mine. it would be make or break for me.

mumonthenet · 30/12/2009 09:18

numb, so good to hear from you - have been checking this thread for ages.

I'm sure you've done the right thing in the action you took. I do hope your arm makes a good recovery.

FWIW, I think Dittany's got a point - your dh needs to go a little further in taking responsibility for what he did to you. Not in the sense of you punishing him but for the purpose of his addressing why he did this to you and how he is going to guarantee it won't happen again.

Thanks for updating us.

DrZeus · 30/12/2009 09:27

Please go to A&E and get it checked out. You really should. Take care. I'm sorry you're going through this.

TheFoosa · 30/12/2009 09:34

So sorry for you, please take care of yourself.

I have to say though, as someone who grew up in a family with this stuff going on, that it is rarely a one-off incident. My step-father was mortified - every time he did it.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/12/2009 09:41

Numb, you sound very strong, and it makes sense the way you handled it. You've really got to mean it about reporting it if it happens again, though, and he's got to believe that you will. Some things are more important than a career path. But you obviously realise that.

Take care and have a peaceful New Year.

jeni7 · 30/12/2009 10:28

Good to hear from you Numb.

You have come to your own decision about how to deal with this, and I completely respect that.

I am concerned for you though. Your husband did not hit you because of work stress. Nor because he cannot manage his anger.

Abusive men are IN control, they are managing themselves perfectly. If he cannot control his anger then why did he not hit you in public? Why on your arm where the bruise will not show? I'm so sorry, but this was deliberate and calculated, and you are not safe with him.

Please contact Womens Aid. And take care.

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