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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH punched me last night - I can't talk to anyone else

149 replies

NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 14:44

This is the first time it has ever happened.

I am shocked, and in a lot of pain. I think I have a deep tissue injury to my arm.

There's no-one in RL who I want to confide in.

Have name changed.

OP posts:
AnnieBeansMum · 16/12/2009 16:08

Pfft...what most mothers would do - tear the bastard limb from limb

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 16/12/2009 16:09

You poor girl, how awful. Sadly, there is NO HOPE for your marriage as this man has decided that he is entitled to beat you up whenever he feels like it. Because as far as he's concerned, you're just a 'woman' and therefore you don't matter: he is the important person in the house.
Your work colleagues will probably be a lot less judgy than you think: living with an abusive man often gives you the impression that no one else likes you, that you're 'uppity' and 'deserve' abuse and that other people will be glad to see you put in your place: this is bullshit. Plenty of decent men hate domestic abusers too.
Please call Women's Aid or similar - and please do seek medical treatment, it sounds like quite a serious injury.

dittany · 16/12/2009 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMightyToosh · 16/12/2009 16:11

I agree 100% with mrsboogie. Personally, I would get out out out, BUT if you want to attempt to get past it, you need to show that you are 100% shocked and outraged by this freakish behaviour, and make a very big stand against it. Not creep quietly into the corner and let it be swept under the carpet.

christiana · 16/12/2009 16:11

Message withdrawn

MaggieAnFiaRua · 16/12/2009 16:11

numbandshocked, this was me, you were me in April 2007. I posted one of these threads, and i thought that the advice applied to weaker women than I was. Or women with more optimism, or women with less to lose (what i had worth losing i don't know) or women with delusions of romance...

MitchyInge · 16/12/2009 16:19

good luck with however you proceed - I hope you find a way forward, just adding my voice to the others here who have not looked back

coldtits · 16/12/2009 16:19

read here

and here

MaggieAnFiaRua · 16/12/2009 16:21

i DID act shocked and outraged, every time, and it still happened again and again.

what a pp said about abuser considering you as only a woman, that was true in my case, as in every aspect of our life, my interests, hopes, interests, well-being came second.

coldtits · 16/12/2009 16:22

and here

and here

Morloth · 16/12/2009 16:23

He has done it once and will do it again if you give him the opportunity.

mrsboogiefairylights · 16/12/2009 16:23

would you really rather be gossiped about than violently assaulted?

Just take a deep breath and do what you KNOW is the right thing to do OP. Have the courage of the convictions you must have had to do that job.

coldtits · 16/12/2009 16:26

and here

I left him in FEBRUARY 2007

By which time I had lost count of how many times he had twisted my wrist, pushed me, thrown things at me, knocked me over whilst pregnant, stamped on my foot - the last time though, I do remember. He claims he was trying to throw a toy, but he actually punched me in the face in front of my 11 month old and 3 year old.

He hasn't lived here since - I called the police and had him removed.

but this was 5 full years after he first started physically hurting me.

MaggieAnFiaRua · 16/12/2009 16:26

i can honestly confirm that AFTER you have left it is mildly embarrassing for about a week. And then, people who you feared would judge you tell you that they admire your guts and they only wish that their sister/friend/aunt would leave the arsehole she lives with. that is what happened to me.

Tortington · 16/12/2009 16:27

but the gossip is integral to her job - its not as simple as that

its just not as cut and dried and although i know people mean well - this is wrapped up in her job too.

MaggieAnFiaRua · 16/12/2009 16:31

it's as simple as you want it to be. i wasn't married to my x and i had no money, so i walked away with the clothes on our backs, no job at all regardless of whether i'd be the subject of gossip or not.

BUT people who look for gossip will enjoy hearing about it, but you'll be yesterdays chip wrapper in a week. the people who are compassionate and admire you for getting away will outnumber the gossips.

NicknameTaken · 16/12/2009 16:33

That's why I think Women's Aid is the best option. It's confidential, you'll be able to think through your options, the police don't have to get involved.

I agree with Maggie that the mild embarrassment (there was some for me in the context of my job too) passes very quickly.

Down the road, you may end up seeing it as giving you more credibility in terms of your work. Lived experience is a strength, not a weakness.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2009 16:34

OP, if he punched you on an arm that already had a problem bad enough to require physio and steroid injections, you really doubly need to get it checked out by a doctor

and get the injury logged before the bruises disappear

the numbness in your hand is a worry, there are some very important nerves passing along the biceps muscle, he may have damaged one

mrsboogiefairylights · 16/12/2009 16:35

it may not be cut and dried and I get that it is complicated by her job but she hasn't done anything wrong and she shouldn't be put off taking action just because of gossip and shadenfreude.

If she feels that on balance it would make her life harder to report him then its quite simple - he hit her - he's out the door. End of.

This is why DV flourishes in middle class homes - because people are too ebmarassed to seek help becuase its not supposed to happen to people like them.

MaggieAnFiaRua · 16/12/2009 16:37

I WISH I had approached them. I thought that was for women more desperate than myself though.

NicknameTaken yes, I feel like it proves I am strong, resourceful, determined and will not accept crap.

GO to the doctor with your arm OP. Even if you don't say it was your husband, it will be there on record.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2009 16:37

I would imagine it should reflect more badly on her if she didn't make a very strong stance on this

who would respect or trust a police officer who turned a blind eye to violence against themselves in their own home ???

I wouldn't

sweetnsour · 16/12/2009 16:47

You poor thing - your brain must be whirling. And I can see what you mean about having a fear of 'gossip' - how awful for you.

Your anxiety might be made worse by the fact that victims tend to get hit with shame as well as a fist - both of which belong to someone else.

But don't fall for the gossip/shame thing - to be honest, most people will react miles better than you think. Men and women alike - they'll be horrified.

Oh, and ignore your mother. Some people do give terrible advice no matter how much they love you.

Speak to Womens Aid. Today. Then do something nice for yourself immediately afterwards.

sarah293 · 16/12/2009 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
NumbAndShocked · 16/12/2009 16:52

Anyfucker, thanks for that. This happened to me at 9.30 last night. It doesn't feel real.

I'm sorry, but I would prefer if you didn't post on this thread - it doesn't help me.

OP posts:
nickelbabyjesus · 16/12/2009 16:53

Numb: i have a friend who's a PC and they're not allowed to live in the same area as the station in which they work.
which means that you should be able to report this to your own local station and speak to their DV officer without worrying it'll get back to your own station.
(that's assuming you're station based)

and if you're not, then you can go into any station and report it.

Please, please please don't let this first time go unreported. (even if you don't press charges, at least it's on record)
think about what you would tell a woman in your situation. think about what advice and help you would give her. think about what you would deduce from the facts she told you. it's no different from what you're dealing with and you shouldn't deal with it alone.

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