DH punched me last night - I can't talk to anyone else

[NumbAndShocked]

This is the first time it has ever happened.

I am shocked, and in a lot of pain. I think I have a deep tissue injury to my arm.

There's no-one in RL who I want to confide in.

Have name changed.

fair enough numbandshocked, but it doesn't change the fact that what I said is true

you should report this incident, and if you don't, you are letting yourself, your kids and your profession down

I assume you have an issue with me from another thread and my presence is upsetting you further than you already are, so I will respect your wishes and leave your thread now

all the best

"who would respect or trust a police officer who turned a blind eye to violence against themselves in their own home ???"

But she isn't a police officer first and foremost in her own home is she? She is a wife and mother and her reactions are as such. I have read loads of your posts Anyfucker and you have given me great and sympathetic advice in the past but I think that is a bloody awful thing to say to someone going through what the OP is going through.

Let's not get derailed by this, eh? Come on, Numb, concentrate on what you need to do. Have you tried talking to Women's Aid? Please don't give into the temptation to let the feeling of unreality take over. You need to do something, you know that, don't you?

Numb so sorry this has happened to you.

It is very easy for people to sit on a thread such as this one and say ?leave him?, ?it doesn?t matter what other people think?, but this is not their situation, and while we all have opinions on these matters ultimately many of us advise based on our own opinion of what we would do if it were us, and even those who are advising from their own experiences most likely didn?t leave after the first incident either because we all want to think that it was a one-off and would never happen again.

The reality is that there probably are people who hit their partner as a one off and never do it again. But we don?t hear about those situations because like you, people are to ashamed/embarrassed to talk about it to anyone, and if it never happens again they probably never feel the need to talk about it as time passes.

But this isn?t really about whether he will or won?t do it again, it?s about the fact he?s crossed a line, and whether you can really get past that, and whether you will be able to trust him again and feel safe. I know I personally couldn?t, and it wouldn?t matter to me how many anger management classes he went to, if a man was violent to me just once then he will have crossed a line and there would be no going back. But not all women are that strong, and many have been broken down emotionally before it gets to a point of physical violence, so they feel they have nowhere to go.

Only you can decide where you go from here. Others will have opinions but no-one has the right to judge you or criticise you for whatever decision you make, it is your life. But:

You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You have done nothing wrong, he has.

You need to seek medical attention for your arm, and again, there is no reason why you shouldn?t tell the gp what has happened. In fact telling the gp what has happened puts you in control and makes a statement that you did nothing wrong.

Please speak to someone impartial such as women?s aid. They will give you practical advice what to do. Even if you don?t feel that you can or want to leave right now, that doesn?t mean that won?t change one day in the future, and if it does, then you can take steps now so that if/when the time comes, you will be ready.

Please take care of yourself, and whatever happens, just remember that you did not deserve this, and you did nothing wrong.

Numb, has he come home yet?

Message withdrawn

Wannabe, I know... but eventually I pulled it out of the bag and left and I was glad I did. All the other things I'd worried about before I left turned out not to matter so much. And the practicalities that remained, well, after leaving I had the strength and focus to deal with them better.

So even though it just seems like words on a page, or words on a website, I'd still advise anybody to try and imagine for a moment that the advice really does apply to YOU

this is horrible, one of the worst things I've seen on MN, a deliberate premeditated attack on an already injured person. Agree with the others - you need to seek medical attention.

I'm really proud of you for sharing this, Numb.

You know, it took my SIL 4 years to work it up to leave her partner, the father of her two children and the only man she'd been with since she was 16.

And she considered going back to him after he ran over her. She loved him. He had everything, the tenancy, the tax credits and child benefit in his name, she'd quit school for him, etc.

It wasn't the first time he'd tried to kill her. He'd strangled her till she passed out, broken limbs and ribs, bruised organs. He was careful not to mark her face.

She hid it from people for years.

You didn't.

Good post, wannabe.

Christiana yes when I was seventeen.

He was five years older than me, was very, very insecure due to issues in his past (his parents had abandoned him when he was seven). He was extremely posesssive and jealous and I suppose that because of that i allowed the possessive controlling behavior.

I wasn't allowed friends, if I spoke to someone he didn't approve of he would ring me up sobbing telling me how hurt he was, he would tell the friends I did have that they weren't to bother us because we wanted to be alone (I was still at school and this was a boarding school so we all practically lived together, he was there doing a different course on the campus).

We argued about it, I told him time and time again that I didn't want to be treated like this, he said that he'd change but he just couldn't.

The clincher came when I wanted to go and talk to a friend of mine and he said that he wouldn't let me. I told him that I'd had enough and walked past him to go where I had planned to go. He blocked me, I told him to get out of my way, I pushed past and as I did he grabbed me by the arm, yanked me round and hit me as I spun back towards him.

In retrospect I shouldn't have tolerated the controlling behavior either, but once it became physical he'd crossed a line and there was no way I was going to risk going back for more.

But everyone is different, and not everyone feels strong enough to just walk away. Plus if there are children involved it doesn't always seem as straightforward to up and leave, or throw him out.

Yes the ideal thing to do is to leave, but the decision to do so can only come from the person whose relationship it is.

Once a man has been violent he is very likely to be so again. Do not accept his behaviour. Ask him to leave, phone the police and do not your family persuade you thats its ok as it was a 'one off'.
And big hugs x

wannabe, your post seems like you are saying, this fear of leaving is so real that it's unealistic to advise leaving.

I KNOW that. So do all the other people on the thread like colditz who are advising OP to leave.

Feal the fear and do it anyway.

I find it worrying that he's called you and spoken to you as though nothing has happened.

If you allow this truly horrible violence to pass I fear that he will take it acceptance and next time he can't cope he's got violence to fall back on.

I hope you've had some medical treatment for your arm.

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle. I'm going to make an assumption that your H, Numb, is also a police officer - and that this also makes reporting him difficult, because there is an automatic arrest policy for DV. If he is also an officer, this would lead to a lengthy internal investigation. Even if he's not in that occupation, a report of DV will always result in an arrest - it is national policy now to automatically arrest, even if the complainant or victim does not want the perpetrator arrested. I suspect because you know this, it is adding to your confusion. Also, in the long term, if he loses his job, that will have financial repercussions for you and your children, even if you leave him.

With regards to your relationship, it is difficut to advise if you have name-changed and there have been earlier threads from you about escalating emotional abuse. I will say this however - you cannot tackle any kind of abuse on your own. The person committing the abuse needs to own it and deal with it. It sounds like he is in denial that last night even happened. I'm sure you'd like to be, from an emotional perspective, but all your years of experience tell you that this cannot be overlooked. I understand your horrible dilemma, although I have never been through this myself with a partner.

I would counsel you to insist he gets proper treatment (CBT, psychotherapy, what ever it takes) and ask to separate while that is ongoing. This doesn't burn any bridges, but it does say that you will not live with him while he is like this. It isn't fair on you or your children to run the risk of further abuse of any kind and you need a peaceful break away from him.

I do think that abusers can change, but they need to own the problem and have it treated. It will not get any better at all without that help - and also the short sharp shock of losing everything they hold dear.

I echo the others by saying, if you really can't face the GP, go to a walk-in centre, you can probably give a false name and still be seen.

You ask if such men can ever change. I don't know but I know that Women's aid in London (and perhaps elsewhere?) run a course for men who are violent to help them change their behaviour, the PVAR programme. So perhaps they feel there is hope if they run such a course?

However, the fact he went for you while you were trying to walk away sounds very worrying and if he cannot control his stress and emotions and wants to hurt another human being, it sounds like you should not be around him.

is he in the police too?

please, go to the doctor and then your injury will be on file. go to women's aid.

you may not care NOW about supporting your version of events, btu there may come a time when you need evidence, just to prevent him from lying that is, never mind court cases.

How are things, Numb?

Numb, I'm going to approach it from a different angle, assuming that you're not hesitating because your H is in the police, but because you hate the idea of appearing as a "victim" in front of colleagues. In the following, I am completely projecting my own personality onto you, so feel free to ignore if it's not relevant.

I cannot stand to think of myself as a victim or even survivor of DV. Really, it makes me cringe. How I label myself is someone who refused to countenance DV.

Take action now, and the gossip might have almost an admiring tone: "Did you hear about Numb? Her old man walloped her once and she kicked him out/walked out. What a ballbreaker, eh?" What you don't want is to wake up in hospital months/years down the line and for colleagues to find out that you meekly accepted abuse for a long time.

Come on, be the ballbreaker, not the victim!

ia gree with nickname - i dont see myself as victim/survivor - rather someone who took action against unaacceptable behaviour...and numb you can do this too.

hope you have gone to doctors.

numb how are you?

I wonder whether numb didn't find this forum the right place for her. I'd say, yep, call the police but in her situation it's likely that colleagues will find out and we all know what it's like where you wish to keep your profesional face on at work.

But numb we are all rooting for you at this very difficult time.

Just bumping this.

Hope you're ok, numb.

I guess you are feeling quite fragile at the mo - both physically and emotionally.

Let us know how you are, if you can.