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Original poster

Is anyone else NOT close to their parents?

107 replies

outofmydeppth · 27/06/2005 13:34

I'm not very close to my parents and seem to be the only this applies to amongst my friends. I sometimes get upset by it & would like to hear from others in the same boat as me. No "my mum is my best friend" messages please!!!

OP posts:
fastasleep · 27/06/2005 13:39

I don't get on with my parents at all, in fact I moved 250 miles away from them at the first opportunity.. Dad stopped talking to me when I was about 8 for no apparent reason, the only co-incedental thing was that my periods started... from then on I was completely ignored as if I wasn't there (it's incredibly bizarre to watch!)..

I was a nightmare pre-teen and my mum quickly turned into a raving alchoholic... we often 'fall out' over the phone these days - ie she calls me everything under the sun and then tells me to **&&( off lol, but after a few months of fickle silence she'll call up and when I actually talk to her (which I can't seem to help doing argh!) she takes that as an apology and then the cycle starts over...

wow what a rant...

There are lots of people like us unfortunately don't feel as if you're alone xxx

otto · 27/06/2005 13:41

I've never been close to my mum. I think it's to do with having very different personalities. I take after my dad, who died when I was young and find it hard to relate to my mum. We never row or anything, but I think that's part of the problem. We have a civil, but not very emotional or honest relationship. I think I'm much more similar to my MIL.

ninah · 27/06/2005 13:42

My father and I completely wind each other up I'm afraid.

Fio2 · 27/06/2005 13:42

No i was at the back of the queue when they were giving out parents. My dad is the biggest prat to walk the planet and my Mother (despite loving her and she really is a good woman) is very selfish

fastasleep · 27/06/2005 13:42

outofmydeppth, do you have PILs? Are they nice?

Fimbo · 27/06/2005 13:44

I'm not and my mother is certainly NOT my best friend. I am an only child and my parents have always wanted to "control" me and my life. In their eyes I will always be a child and they still treat me like one, although I am 37, married and have 2 children of my own. They are also jealous (and have no reason to be) of my pil and hate my children/me spending any time with them. In fact I sometimes wish my pil were my parents!! Please don't feel you are alone because your not.

Janh · 27/06/2005 13:46

Not close to mine past adolescence. My mother died when I was 21 and I lived nearly 250 miles away from my dad most of my life - and he used to wind me up when I did see him. He died over 2 years ago so I am an orphan now and I'm afraid it doesn't bother me .

I do envy people with good relationships with their parents, but there aren't many of those in my age group IME.

Iklboo · 27/06/2005 13:46

Weird for me. I'm an only child, but they made such a good job of teaching me to be independent, I don't feel really REALLY close to them. Obviously I love them very much and I get on well with them, but I can go weeks without speaking to or seeing them, even though they live less than 5 minutes walk away. They don't phone me loads either.
I'm expecting junior in November, so all this might change. So I'd say, not CLOSE to them, but not estranged.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/06/2005 13:46

I don't fight with my parents, but I'm not particularly close to them. They both do things that annoy me.

At one point, I tried to convince them to go for couple's counselling. That was a good conversation.

loujay · 27/06/2005 13:47

Not close to my Dad and he now lives in Spain with his third wife!!

Original poster
outofmydeppth · 27/06/2005 13:49

Thanks all, so sweet of you! fastasleep, yes I have PILs, they're OK but don't see much of them as they favour their daughter and her family, so we're bottom of the list. Families.... who'd 'ave 'em?!

OP posts:
fastasleep · 27/06/2005 13:51

At least they're not the PILs from hell! I only count DH and our babies as proper 'family' the rest are just outer circles around our nice little centre ring... that way I can say I absolutely adore everyone in my family and we all get on

chenin · 27/06/2005 14:26

Don't feel you are the only one - there are plenty of ppl like us!! When I read threads about how wonderful people's mums and dads are, it makes me feel very sad as I have never experienced that feeling.
Both parents passed away just over 6 months ago and it is a very peculiar feeling to not have them controlling my life any more!! I miss them (because they had such a huge impact on me) but not in the way that is normal. I feel relief I can now be my own person.
My mum couldn't deal with children once they got minds of their own (from about 8 or 9) so just sort of withdrew any loving (much like you fastasleep). This has had a huge impact on my life - its very hard to grow up feeling unloved and the repercussions were enormous.
Towards the end of their lives, they became very demanding and it was not unknown for me to speak to my mother 3 times a day because right up until the end, I was still trying to please her and earn her love.
The one good thing to come out of it is that I feel I have broken the cycle. Having 2 dd's in their teens, and having fantastic relationships with them, it feels like yesterday that I was that lonely unloved teen and I am just proud of myself that I am not like she was.
I only find it hard now when I see my peers with their parents and am so envious of the relationship they have - I would have liked to have experienced it.

Pruni · 27/06/2005 14:38

Message withdrawn

lilaclotus · 27/06/2005 14:40

i'm not close to them, but they live in another country. i got on fine with my dad every sunday for 30 minutes on the phone. but each time we've visited them i've had huge fights with him.

Tinker · 27/06/2005 14:43

Isn't this a frightening thread though. Excepting parents who were obviously bad to their children, I suspect most thought they were doing the best that they could, like we are. Horrible to think that there will be a few amongst us who bring up children who then don't feel close to us.

handlemecarefully · 27/06/2005 14:45

Absolutely Tinker - it will happen

I don't get on with my parents either btw, and actively dislike my father.

WideWebWitch · 27/06/2005 14:46

I'm not close to my mum either. I was to my dad though.

handlemecarefully · 27/06/2005 14:47

Perhaps naively I hope to foster open communication with my children so that at least if I do something to piss them off (and vice versa), it can be discussed and out in the open.

I can't discuss anything with my parents (they are not open to it) so resentments and misunderstandings fester

chenin · 27/06/2005 14:51

I can't imagine anyone on here would actually withdraw physical contact, or show no interest and even not talk to an 8 or 9 yr old, Tinker. If my DDs cried themselves to sleep for nights on end, I think I would have known about it!
We all do the best we can, and we are not perfect. As I say to my DD1 (16) - "I've never had a 16 yr old before you, I don't have a book on it, I don't always get it right!
I do think that if she had a big problem, I would be the first person she would come to, whereas when I was that age, my mother would have been the last person on this earth I would have gone to.

Pruni · 27/06/2005 14:51

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 27/06/2005 14:52

My mum is definitely not my best friend, she's a mad old bat who irritates the f* out of me, but I know that in her own bizarre way, she loves me and her grandchildren, she's just unfortunately loony.

My dad was a violent alcoholic who became ill in his mid forties (had his first heart attack then) and suffered a deep undiagnosed depression from then until his death in his late 50s.

So no, I'm not close to mine either!

Hope that cheers you up!

Cam · 27/06/2005 14:58

I would have to say I'm haven't been particularly close to my mother as she isn't the first person I would tell problems to. I'm much more likely to tell my father everything first and let him tell her.

However the older I get the more I understand both of them and know I have a mixture of their traits (no surprise there!)

So I would say I am as close to my mother as I can get and she has opened up more as I've got older. But in any case and this is for you Tinker, I know they did their best and I love them completely for everything they have done for me.

Tinker · 27/06/2005 15:03

helliebean - I did say except parents who are obviously bad to their children.

Cam - agree that age does make you more accepting of their faults.

chenin · 27/06/2005 15:14

Tinker, I know - its just that I think mine thought they were doing the best they could and that seems to make it harder somehow. So point taken!
As time goes on you do get more accepting of their faults because you have to, otherwise you would drive yourself bonkers!