Is anyone else NOT close to their parents?

[outofmydeppth]

I'm not very close to my parents and seem to be the only this applies to amongst my friends. I sometimes get upset by it & would like to hear from others in the same boat as me. No "my mum is my best friend" messages please!!!

I didnt mean it literally! I wouldnt ever wish harm upon anyone and I am fully aware that there is no justice in death.

I haven't spoken to my mum for over 15 years and have no intention of doing so.

I think its sad that so many people don't have any relationship at all with their parents.

It's not sad, it's my way of coping with it. My parent's didn't want a third child but got one....me! It was nade perfectly clear that I upset the balance of the family and was never any good at anything. I left as soon as I could and went as far away to avoid being put down all the time. My ds and dd see them. I am grateful to them for one thing - I now know how NOT to parent a child!

My mum and I have always had a strained relationship. I'm an only child and when I misbehaved when I was young she'd pack my stuff in a shoebox and pretend to call the children's home to have me taken away while I sat in my coat by the front door. She disowned me when she found my pills (I was 20 and living away from home) - took a while to get over. She told me I'd make her ill, and it would be my fault. Etc etc. On the other hand she boasts about me to her friends - quite often old ladies say, "I hear you're a violinist". Haven't played for about 20 years.
An eg of detachment - when our baby died at 24 hours their initial response was "We'll arrange the funeral then". I know they are a retired vicar and social worker but they are parents first. Maybe some people just aren't cut out for parenthood.
Anyway, she phoned tonight. They're coming over tomorrow to explain why she's stopping her chemo with 20 weeks to go. I don't know how I feel. After years of having cold, uncomfortable parents, I need to face that my mum will die pretty soon. Just can't bring myself to feel all warm and fuzzy towards her - sometimes I can't even look her in the eye - because of how I was brought up.
Sorry for long post - any advice would be much appreciated.

dejags, I missed my parents for ages, that is the parents I thought they were until I realised that our previous good relationship had depended on me doing everything they said. Im getting over it now though!

swedishmum, Ive also given a lot of thought recently to how I will feel when one of my parents dies. I think if someone is dying, Id say anything that would make them happier, because its not fair to let someone die feeling unforgiven. Id tell them that I forgave them anything they had done, and that I loved them etc, even though its not strictly true. Cant think of any other situation where Id fib like that, but if someones dying I think its worth it.

Of course, they could die tomorrow without me seeing them again, and I dont feel like picking up the phone right now, but thats just a risk Ill have to take.

I think you will feel however you will feel, Swedishmum. It's horrible that you are in this situation.

I think you can be civilised and try to mak your mum's last months happier for her (obviously she must be going through hell), but you simply cannot be made to feel stuff you don't feel, no matter how hard you try.

Don't beat yourself up, so many of us are going to face the same situation and I'm not sure how we can handle it any differently than you

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I don't have what could be a close relationship with mis parentes (see I can't even write that in English!) these days.

I am wondering if any of you have read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. Practically all of the stories written about here (and I admire you all for writing) are examples of parents behaving in a toxic way towards their children.

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Hi Pruni,

Its not an easy book to read at all granted but I mention it as it talks about these particular issues.

I wish you well.

Pruni, you are right, it takes years of practice to put up the barriers.
Swedishmum, I really feel for you. Both parents died end of last year and for my mum it was particularly gruelling. There was some relief from it all because she needed me so much and in a funny sort of way, I did forgive her at the time because it was not good to see your own mother (or anyone for that matter) going through what she did. When push comes to shove, you realise they are your parents and I felt that if an elderly neighbour I knew, needed some support, I would do something so I just had to do it for my own parents. It was not easy though - after years of detachment.
But at the end, I was the one in control IYSWIM. She also showed more affection to me (i.e. hugged me on a couple of occasions) than she had in a lifetime.
However, since she has gone all the old feelings have resurfaced and it is very hard to cope with. Whether that book will help, I do not know, but I might give it a try. (Pruni, I'll read it if you will......!!!)

Why not try to forgive your parents instead? Not for their sakes but for yours. I genuinely believe that forgiveness heals you (and may heal the relationship).

Also, and I know people don't want to hear this, but everything you do is setting an example to your children.

So the biggest predictor that your children won't get on with you is if you don't get on with your parents.

Battered sensless for 14 years ( till she left) by alcoholic mother ( not a good term as she did not actually do any mothering) and left in hands of father who persistently tried to abuse me ( IYSWIM) Made my life miserable. Am scarred . Will not let any of them see my children now but did do at first - did not have strength to defy them. Do Now. I wish they were dead.

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Nearly forgot! When I was 10 i broke my watch and she told me ( I was one of four girls) 'If the 'nazis' ( strange but that was her) came to the bottom of the garden and wanted to shoot you all for your sisters I would go but you - i would watch you go'

SWEET!

Mama5,

I'm really sorry for that child that was you.

Thanks HMC..should not have read that thread . Should have just ignored it.

Thanks HMC..should not have read that thread . Should have just ignored it.

It's not cheeky Pruni, its an alternative viewpoint, and please don't it personally.

I'm completely sure that we're all trying not to replicate whatever it was that our parents did that we don't like.

I'm also completely sure that we are doing stuff that our children won't like.

However, my point is still that our children are learning everything from us and if we don't have a relationship with our parents they are learning that its ok not to have one with us (when they're older). Is that what you want?

I got a bit teary when I read what you wrote. You sound like a survivor though, and I bet you are a very caring mother to your own children; in part because of what you went through

Cam, you say "everything you do is setting an example for your children". Yes, and that is why I spent my life trying to get on with my parents, despite the hurt I felt. For everyone on here with problems, it is not our fault - that is why we have broken the cycle.
"So the biggest predictor that your children won't get on with you is if you don't get on with your parents." What an unfair comment that is. Do I have to be resigned to my children not getting on with me because of my parents treatment of me? We have learnt from their parenting to provide better for our children and I know, without a shadow of doubt, that I have achieved that, against all the odds.

"However, my point is still that our children are learning everything from us and if we don't have a relationship with our parents they are learning that its ok not to have one with us (when they're older)".

Cam, I don't think they are learning that necessarily. They are learning that there are boundaries, and that even loved ones have to behave appropriately to each other.

I think it would be more confusing to them to see their parents have a continuing unhealthy relationship with grandparents