Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

Anyone?

Well you have got a LOT on your plate but I think this is a positive step. I think you are being very sensible and mature choosing this option.

Relate needs to be a neutral space - of course it depends on the counsellor you get - the first session or two is generally background info rather than plunging into the emotional crap. Although there might be a bit of that too.

I've always been a fan of relationship counselling/therapy, so I hope that you find it a positive experience too.

Sounds like you've been through a lot, I really hope Relate will help you.

When DP and I went about a year ago, the first session was a kind of 'establishing what you both want to focus on' thing. So, the counsellor will ask you both questions, to help understand the current situation. They will talk a bit, but you and DP will probably talk more, just sort of saying what's going on for each of you. When we went, the counsellor asked whose idea it had been to come to Relate, and if either of us had been before to that sort of counselling before. She talked to each of us, (and the other one just listened) and then we talked to each other a little, but mainly to her because it was explaining stuff. Then the counsellor will decide if Relate can help you, what you each want from it (i.e, to stay together, to see if you can stay together, to break up) and will match you with a counsellor after that. With us, the person we spoke to said she would help us and to just come back same time next week. Depending on the days you are available, you may be matched with a counsellor other than the person you speak to in your intro session, or you may stick with that person after all.

I was really REALLY nervous but it was okay, I cried a lot - it all came wooshing out, I had loads of crying sort of hiding inside. I felt a bit but I'm sure they've seen it all before, so just be yourself, be honest and you will be fine.

A note: Relate isn't the same as involved, lengthy psychotherapy. They will not get into details like 'you feel this because of your childhood' etc etc. They are more interested in the here and now, what each of you can do about the situation now. My DP (I think) has Aspergers, all of his behaviours that were driving me up the wall were very AS, but the counsellor we saw was confused and didn't really pick up on this. We gave it 6 sessions but she never seemed to click what was going on. After that, I eventually left DP for a bit, came back and after that I started learning about AS and a lightbulb went on. We get on loads better now because I really understand why he is the way he is, and that I can't change him. There is respect on both sides where before there was none. So, my relationship problems just weren't suited to Relate, and it wasn't any good for us. We would have been better off with a counsellor experienced in AS. However, I think that the things you are going through yourself would be dramatically helped by going to Relate. I do honestly think they will be able to help you in some way

Let us know how you got on, won't you? Take care. x

Thankyou both

DH's behaviour is odd, thats what im finding so uncertain. He says he doesn't love me (wants to be honest and not mislead he says) but this morning i said about moving on and that im not horrible, i have alot to offer (he agrees), he seems to get upset and reinforce our counselling sessions. He says i'm 'hot'. Sometimes he says they wont teach him how to love me, and then other times he seems to focus on them helping and it being a safe positive thing.

We are still chatting, laughing, working together. I wonder if this baby, Xmas and counselling all together will help? I know that my 'aim' in life is to have a solid happy marriage, and my children, and feel loved and love someone every day.

So scared, i just know i will have to hear him say he doesnt love me again and i am starting to think i should value myself more and just go now.

When we were apart we both lost nearly a stone (i'm 10.3st and very heavy pg), he wasnt eating sleeping or working much, crying...yes he missed the dc but came nearly every day to see them. He gave me his whole wages, you know (several hundreds) i had to make sure he paid his rent at friends house and had diesel/food money. He wanted us to have it. Trying to show he isnt being hurtful on purpose iyswim

CV - DH & I wonder if i have Aspergers too, you know.

My experience of Relate was different from Cheerfulvicky's. Be aware that you maybe put on a waiting list after the initial consultation as well.

Our therapist did go into our childhoods because a lot of problems stem from that. What our models of adult relationships are, how we were taught to communicate (or not as the case maybe) and because of our childhoods, how we now deal with problems etc. So it can be quite fundamental to our present lives. EG my DH has behaved like a child all his life as he didn't in effect have a childhood, was never allowed to grow up properly etc. I was brought up in a house where my dad was an abusive drunk so I too did not have a very good model on an adult relationship etc.

When we understand why we do the things we do, we can begin to change the way we behave.

I feel we probably went too early to Relate as I was in such a state of shock and trauma (almost psychotic (sp?) as the therapist said, that some of the things we were discussing etc were not really registering, they are only beginning to make sense further down the line.

You both have to be open and honest otherwise I think there is probably no point. We also had an individual session each so that we could discuss things that maybe we wouldn't have found comfortable to discuss in front of eachother to begin with IYSWIM.

Good luck.

Thanks countingto.

My parents have been married for 30 years, no affairs. I grew up in a very priveliged house. I have never even seen/heard them raise their voices to each other. My Dad is always picnhing my mums bum and it makes me and my sisters cringe .

DH is an only dc, his Dad left the marital home several times to live with many OW, from the age of 4. Money worries. He had never left the country until about 2-3 years ago when i sent him to his friends house in Norway. He was left alone alot, upstairs in a pub to look after a mentally ill Grandfather.

Very different.

Oh and they said tomorrow is first appt, then we get weekly slot starting 5th Jan, every tuesday at 6pm.

Well you can see the adult relationship your DH had modelled to him .

These are the things that will need to be explored and also because of your upbringing, how you are dealing with things and his behaviours. The couple has to address their own behaviours, however painful. I had to acknowledge how I actually reacted to things had a very negative effect on my DH.

Be aware too that you can feel very upset/unsettled after a session, I needed a couple of hours to get over them as they can be very intense for both parties.

I am aware of the behaviours i did wrong; now i want a chance to put it all right, but if he says he doesn't love me, then what hope is there?

Also its really odd, because if anything goes wrong he always sorts it out. Now i need him so much hes not available to me . I can't text/ring him at work anymore like i used to, he doesn't really want physical contact, etc. I wonder why he's here?

My DH thought he didn't love me (which is why he left for OW) but with the counselling he came to realise that it was his feelings/depression etc that was putting everything onto me, making everything my fault, demonising me etc.

It is such a strain on the relationship having so many DC in a short space of time - our therapist said that without all the other problems we had with finances/business, SNs in the DC etc. She actually said she had seen people from the local mental health unit with less to cope with than we did so the fact that we hadn't actually "gone under" was a very positive thing. I think my DH thought we should have been coping better than we had but in effect we were doing a lot better etc and yes, we did have a hell of a lot to cope with.

We now take time out for ourselves more, out ourselves and the marriage top of the list. Still a work in progress but we now take a step back and say hang on, we need to discuss this, give ourselves time etc and deal with things without either one getting stressed out etc. We now deal with things like adults if that makes sense. We felt we had a duty to the 4DC to try and make the marriage work and knowing that both of us felt like that make it easier.

He has said about owing it to the dc, thats why we are trying Relate becuase then at least when they ask in the future why we split, we can say we did everything.

We are quite young too, I'm 25 and he is 27. We have 3dc, a baby due any time, and DH has a son with someone else too who is in our lives. We have had alot to deal with this year; our first mc, DH kissed that woman, i withdrew and basically stalked his every move ...

Just i know what i want to do different and its like he isnt letting me. He said today he wants his affection to be genuine. He touched me on the arm this morning and wished me luck at the doctors for my SF jab today.

I can't imagine a life in which we arent together.

Also i keep reminding myself - he worked all day saturday and went out saturday night, so really he has been here for about 24 hours.

You need to say that to/in front of the therapist. You need to get all your thoughts and feelings out and so does he. When it is all on the table then you can discuss etc and hopefully the therapist will give you stratagies on how to proceed, deal with potential problems. It sounds a lot like us, we were like a volcano about to erupt, a pressure cooker without a release valve etc. When you are in the middle of all that it is very hard to see the "wood for the trees".

Hopefully you can reach the stage where you both understand what has happened to you, each other and the relationship, and have a plan on how to proceed before the baby arrives. Hopefully your DH will feel better about things after a couple of sessions and willing to make a commitment to try, if nothing else. It is about taking one day at a time, tomorrows another day and all that. TBA it was only saying that that got us through the really tough times.... Oh and counting your blessings too. We had some times when we were really wondering about whether we would make it and then someone'phoned about a close family member who had some devastating medical news and we looked at each other and wondered what the hell we were doing to ourselves and the DC because of our pride, selfishness etc.

Bit of a ramble but you can see what I am trying to say.

Thanks I wish i could just fast forward to see what's going to happen to us. I keep wondering if he is getting love lost and confused in with lots of other emotions.

We only have this one appt before Xmas, the next one is 5th Jan. I know really that most of tomorrow will be about the history of us, but i know he will say to the therapist that he doesn't love me. I wonder what he will say when they ask why we are here, what we want. My answer will be that i want our marriage.

This is such a weird place and im trying to 'man it out', give him space, be pleasant and jolly...but it hurts so badly. I'm hoping it will all come together - new baby, Xmas, counselling, and in a month or so we will be much better, maybe physical again and he is finding some feelings back.

If he is feeling depressed he is probably feeling pretty "dead" inside with no real feelings about anything. Try not to "overthink" etc which is what us ladies do. You are probably in a pretty "hyper" state inside atm with this, the new baby, Christmas etc. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself and selves, try and be calm and peaceful (not easy I know). One thing I took away from the therapy was to put myself first on occasions, my DH had managed to put himself first on a number of occasions and I would imagine your DH has done the same (leaving you to get on with dealing with the kids etc).

Go out and have a pamper session, get him to look after the kids and find the money and do it for you. We give so much up when we become mothers and wives that we do lose ourselves along the way. Try and do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Put yourself first.

I meant to say, that I have actually taken the decision not to work so much now. I was only working for DH but because of the recession etc, I was doing more and more hours. The therapist actually said I wasn't fit to work (such was the state I was in) but I didn't take that on board. I thought that I had to because of the business etc. But in the last couple of weeks I realised that I was not coping and DH and I discussed it (like adults) and decided that the best thing would be for me to completely step back. I need to do certain things at the office but these should only take a couple of hours. I felt like a weight had been lifted and he has noticed the difference in me already. It is one less stress. It won't be forever but after the year we have had it is necessary. As I said, please think of yourself and then hopefully, things will fall into place.

Good luck.

I'm really sorry you are going through this.

I just wanted to say that I found Relate a very positive experience. Although I went on my own, it was very helpful and I wouldn't hesitate in recommending it.

I wish you the very best of luck.

I have read your messages many times and tried to think about how to reply. My husband and I had our first couple session last week. It was cathartic in some ways. Draining (good advice about trying to have a couple of hours to yourself afterwards). My husband was reluctant...we have not talked about it since tbh. I want to think and talk tonight (football permitting!).

But...the counsellor was very good. It was just an information gathering type of session but I think both of us got to say what our hopes were, and that has helped. Like you we will start in January with weekly sessions, obviously depending on husband.

To be honest I am not sure how on earth you and your husband are coping at all at the moment - you must both be lovely and loyal people! Children of your age (and you are young although I expect you feel very old right now!!!!), heavily pregnant and a rubbish year. The fact that you are still friends speaks volumes.

That dead feeling from depression is not unusual you know, and let's face it when we really start to think about what love is as opposed to that first 'in love' feeling many of us struggle. It may be that you are nearing the end of this relationship - but it sounds as though you are not quite there yet. At our session it was me with the crap childhood - I have begun to think about how it has affected me and my way of doing relationships, perhaps for the first time as a result of the session. It might be that your husband feels the same. If so prepare for some fall out - he might find it hard and there is a fine line between taking responsibility for your own actions and feeling as though you have caused all the hassle.

Let us know how it goes. Keep talking to your husband - that will help more than anything whatever the future holds.

Thankyou

dh and I have said through all this we don't find the other person horrid or bad or anything; we both have made mistakes and both have said we wish we could rewind. We have also said (he did too) that we always want to get along and be around for each other - we have been together 7 years and known eachnother for 10, and have been very close since we met.

I'm trying to remember relate isn't superglue. He text me today saying good luck for jab and if it makes me poorly he will come home. No kiss though but a text is good

I hope tomorrow isn't bad. I will keep talking here.

He has come home from work saying about counselling and it being 'right', but also seems reluctant to say he wants us to work. Really denting my self esteem but it's still a short time, and he did say that over Xmas we will shut down and have a good birth and Xmas time ready to start in January. Can't help but wonder about just stopping all this now, but that's not the answer is it?

He said about the dc not having a dad; I said if he has made up his mind what's the point, but yet again he said about counselling. I so want to ask him outright but that's not going to help-I want to know why he's so up for relate.... Is it to try and make our marriage work or just an easy get out clause - I said I would try and I have kinda thing. I want to go to save us. I think he wants to go possibly fr clarification, an impartial view? I hate this so much. Want to just say fuck it and move on.

Scorps I really feel for you...but do you think with the stress and the hormones this is the right time to do anything that is possibly irretrievable? I really think you should give yourself some time honey.

Some time off from everything if at all possible....can you have a break for even a few hours? Three young children and end of pregnancy - you must be exhausted.

I'm not going to say anything like that yet, not untilat least a proper session and Xmas has passed. I think a month from today I would like to see an improvement, even if it's just dh touching me.

I am exhausted yes, mentally and physically. I have no room in my brain to cope with birth and bf, etc.

What a pile of crap. Last night he said he was going to the gym, he was out about 2 hrs and when he cane in I asked if he had a nice time - he didn't go. He went to his friends house (female) 8 miles away instead.

He can't even stay in the same house as me. Does t touch me or love me, I'm heavily pregnant, I just want some love. I do all house work etc and feel like it's any excuse to get out of the house.

This isn't going to work is it? He doesn't even like me does he?! My self esteem is just nose diving every day.