Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

The baby will take everything it needs Scorps, you will be the one suffering through lack of nutrition. I suffered terrible sickness throughout all 4 of my pgs (more strain on a marriage ) - all the babies were ok.

I think you need to detach yourself, prepare for the worst (that the marriage won't survive) but hope for the best. One day at a time or as one dear friend said to me, give it up and give it to God to deal with.

You cannot control him, you can ask him to be more respectful of your feeling at this time but ultimately you cannot control him. Life is about letting go of things. I'm not saying you should let go of your marriage without a fight etc but your emotional state means you should let go of some of the anxiety/emotion surrounding it atm if you can. It is so hard (I was on diazepam for a week when DH left me and I also took it during one of my pgs when ex was stalking me).

Work on yourself and your self-esteem and take control.

You can do this, with or without him.

I really want to try to let go. I have very little faith now that this marriage will work. It feels very hard to be just me now, when for so long i have had someone else as my fallback, iyswim.

It's 2 weeks 5 days until our relate session, and surely he must be clearer by then? He's already been pondering for over 2 weeks now.

I wouldnt have him here if i knew someone else would live with me when baby is born.

I think if you and he can hang on until the Relate session, it would help. Don't talk about the relationship/marriage - concentrate on the baby, DC and Christmas.

Make sure you discuss all these friends of his. I do not think it is appropriate for a female friend of his to be phoning him when he is at home with his heavily pregnant wife - what could possibly be so important. This is how EA start, texts messages, facebook messages etc. You need appropriate boundaries in your marriage and Relate will point this out to him and you can explain how insecure it makes you feel. And it is making you feel insecure, this is where the anxiety is coming from. If he was at home with you, giving you his full attention, not taking phone calls from female friends, going out til 11.30pm then you would feel better. I'm not saying he shouldn't have a life outside of the marriage but when you are trying to rebuild a marriage after infidelity (and when your DW is about to give birth) then certain things need to be done.

I am thinking of you, it is very hard thing to deal with and life with 4DC is not a bed of roses either but you do have age on your side. You are so young and time is a wonderful thing.

I understand, counting, but hes not even saying he wants the marriage.

If at some point he does say this; we can discuss boundaries etc in Relate. I did explain last night i feel like im getting no support or company, and i think he has taken this on. I am going to a friends on Friday night - he said 'Are you getting away from me?'

Its not just me is it, he is being contradictory?

Hi Scorps

Feel so sorry that you are going through this, and especially at this stage in your pregnancy.

I have been following this thread, and thought what great insights people have offered, especially those who have experienced situations like this themselves.

I just wondered, as you say that he is not the 'straightest' of men, and that his female friend calls him her gay friend, whether he is having some internal battle about his sexuality at the moment?

I don't think it's that; he was so not into the male propostion idea at all. He has always been open about that part of him, i used to/normally/whatever tease him about it. Hardly anyone in RL is aware DH is not entirely straight; he very much prefers women and has had a few male encounters; but nothing compared to his female ones.

I think J described him as such so its clear what the boundary is, iyswim? DH said he feels like he could be naked with her in a room and nothing happen.

Ooh crikey. That sheds new light on the situation. I really don't know what to say, other than take care of yourself and start putting yourself first.

Whatever's up with your DH (and I'm highly suspicious it's someone else, be they male or female), I don't think you can do anything more to change things. This needs to run its course and you'll need to force that if it doesn't happen naturally.

I keep thinking this just has to run its course now too - there isnothing i can actually 'do' or say to change things; it must come from him. When i am back on my feet after the baby we will reassess and he will have to know what he wants.

I really am very sure there is no-one else. He really doesn't appear like he has it in him. I really don't think its that.

Scorps, I didn't think my DH had it in him and neither did anyone else. Everyone was totally shocked, the last person on earth and all that. What I am trying to say is nothing anyone says or does will surprise me any more.

FWIW, our therapist says she thinks it is unlikely he will do anything like that again, he was having a breakdown and OW was part of his self-destruction process.

You know maybe a separation is the answer when everything has settled down after the baby. We all need time out from everything and I have promised myself some time away from everything and everybody - again one of the things my therapist recommended. My DH had had time out away (at his mum's etc) but I hadn't, I was left to cope with 4DC on my own etc. I'm thinking health farm in the New Year .

Do not let what is going on now ruin that special time with the newborn, you can never get that back.

I don't even feel like i want the baby.

I just want to know why hes so focussed on Relate; if he doesnt love me isnt that clear enough??

I think he thinks the therapist will tell him what to do - its not like that though is it.

Once you're holding your little girl, you'll love her more than anything in the world. She's all that matters now.

I wish I could say "don't think about the future now", but I know it's probably not possible. Use him for what you need now - get him to look after the children while you go to a friend / your parents etc. If he wants space away from you - go out yourself. Obv not partying, but let him look after them, he might as well be useful while he is the way he is.

You are young, you are beautiful, you have your whole life ahead, even though it might not feel like it now.

Have you told your parents everything? Could they support you (emotionally etc) now?

No it's not like that Scorps although I think our therapist told my DH some home truths and gave him some handouts with some pertinent quotes on them, this is a good one (he kept them BTW)

"A mature person can postpone gratification, sustain uncertainty and get their needs met without hurting anyone, including themselves"

He probably does love you, my DH was surprised by how "attached" he was to me, he gain a greater understanding of himself and me.

Give it a try but don't expect miracles.

You should really speak to your MW/GP about your feelings about the baby. I was soo stressed during my pregnancy with DS2, stalking exH, stress at work, hospitalised with severe morning sickness etc, that I'm sure it affected my bonding with the baby, he screamed non stop for the first six months (picking up on my anxieties) and is now an incredibly anxious child. I've only just admitted to my DH that I have struggled to bond with him (as part of our total honesty policy in the marriage). You can see our relationship was under pressure from day 1 .....

I keep trying the mw and can't get them.

After I said last night I wanted him to go he slept innhis hoody with his hood up. He does that when he's ill.

Thankyou everyone this is keeping me going. Im having lunch today; boiled egg and marmite soldiers.

Scorps, can you call your gp and explain that you can't get hold of mw? Only because she knows you so well, might be able to help?

He text me asking if I'm ok today. He text saying je doesn't think we can get thru this; it's hard and he feels guilty, was sick this morning.

I said I'm sorry I don't know the answer.

He doesn't seem at peace with any scenario.

Scorps - I'm with some other posters on here who are thinking that may be he's having trouble with his sexuality. Leave him be for now.

I think that Relate is a red herring in that he wants to be seen to be trying to do something and almost, in a way, being given permission to end things and not be seen as the bad guy, because "we'd given it a chance". He's stringing you along and not being fair because he doesn't have the courage to come out and say it straight. That it's not going to work.

If push comes to shove, you CAN do this by yourself. People do manage on their own. You have friends and family who will help you with the DCs. Make use of them. Get all the help you can. I think that Surestart/Homestart (I'm not sure which), may be able to help too.

I'm so, so sorry that you've been put in this position with soon-to-be 4 DCs.

Scorps, you and he need to step back from all the emotion of it. There were a couple of times during the therapy that DH said I don't think we can do this and our therapist just said you don't know that and it's too early to say. Patience and tolerance was her mantra all the time. I was like you, in a hyper state, wired, over anxious etc (and I wasn't about to give birth).

Another thing I was told at the very beginning of the therapy (and I'm not sure if you are like this or not) but I was told to "button it", keep my mouth shut, stop trying to fix things, stop trying to come up with a solution for everything, stop telling my DH what to do. I had to step back right back, basically change my habits of a lifetime. It was and still is very hard for me, not to have the last word etc. As I said, in the therapy you have to look at yourself too. I was also told that I "enjoyed being the victim" which I think was a bit OTT but I could see what she was trying to say.

Step back and get on with the day to day things, call a "ceasefire" for the want of a better word. Men find it very hard to cope with all the talking and discussion etc.

I'm trying to detach myself; he seems to bring it up more than me. I just replied I'm sorry I don't have any answers, it is very hard and sad.

I keep thinking he obviously isn't certain, he wants to be about for baby; I want to sit back and see what effect that has, plus another relate session. I feel strangely apart from it today.

Thanks so much, all this is so helpful

FWIW Scorps my DH didn't commit to me for a while after he left OW and went to his mums. He said he had to sort himself out before he could think about anyone else, needed to be by himself. Maybe this is what your H is doing but because of the baby, feels incredibly torn. You are in limbo like I was, not knowing where you and he are going to end up. We were having the therapy whilst we were living apart.

I know for my DH that he set his priorites as getting the business straight (because if that went down we would be in an even worse state) and keeping the DC happy. I didn't quite figure in that equation for a few weeks other than as the mother of his DC. He just didn't have any room left for me at that particular time. He had completely imploded and was trying to recover everything. He had a major mid life crisis. And your DH is probably going through something similar, facing up to his responsibilties etc. With his childhood, he is probably finding this transition hard to cope with and the therapy will help him with this.

As I said, step back and look after yourself and the DC.

Yes countingto; he says he has no feelings to give to anyone; not just me. His priority is the dc and the care of me physically WRT to pregnancy. I think he is very confused and i wish to god i was strong enough to 'let him go', but i have said that a few times this week and when i do he retreats in himself, like last night. He sat on the floor, hood up, head down. I had to make the move for sleep at 1245am, and he got in bed in hoody and went to sleep. He says he feels guilty.

I want to let it be for Xmas and baby; until Relate in 2 weeks and 5 days.

My parents are there for me, as are my friends. He keeps asking every time my phone beeps who it is; or if i have see anyone today. I'm going to see a friend tomorrow night and he asked if it was to get away from him.

I have a very good friend on standby for labour too, who will know what to do with me and can be the 'love' iyswim.

Another thing my DH did and still does to a certain degree, is panic about me leaving him after everything he has put me through. He left me for an OW FFS !!! and now he panics that I might leave him.

Why is he feeling guilty ? Because of what he is putting you through atm, what he is going to do ? What he's been up to ? He really does need to explain himself. And sometimes we need to forgive them and they need to forgive themselves.

This is why you need the therapy, to get to the bottom of everything. Even if things don't work out, both you and he will have a better understanding of everything.

A MW just rang me, and said to go to the GP ASAP. My proper MW will ring me tomorrow when shes back on shift.

I think he feels guilty over baby, the dc, the state im in, what he did to contribute to this, the fact he doesn't feel for me anymore, that he can't be what i want him to be with me, what he might do.

FWIW i couldnt care less anymore he snogged that girl. It seems like a 5 pence piece in the ocean compared to this.

This might sound extreme but I actually think in your position I'd now get your friends, family, whoever over to help (possibly even move in for a few weeks) and get him to leave today. All this constant undermining of your security and emotional well being is not good for you and the baby. Do go to your GP and ask for support, they will be able to refer you for individual counselling which may also help you.

If your DH wants to be with you, now's the time for him to grow up and get a grip. Otherwise, you're infinitely better off without this ongoing emotional torture.

I'm regretting posting that a little now, you have to do what you feel is right. I'm writing from my own experience where I let this situation go on for months on end and it nearly eroded my sanity.

In my case I had 2 tiny dc's, one with mild SN so it wasn't easy to ask H to leave either. I really don't regret it though, and I'm coping fine..

I wish i was strong enough; I know that no-one else would live here, i may be able to get daily help but it would be a huge physical burden on me. Yes, this is a huge emotional burden, but that can be dealt with easier than physical discomfort etc.

My ds1 is ASD, the other ds is only just 5, and dd is 19 months. I will need daily, all day long help and nightly help too for the first week at least. There is no-one else.