Our first Relate appointment is tomorrow, I'm scared.

[Scorps]

DH & I are at 'shit or bust' point in our marriage. He came back to the family home on Friday night after 12 days away; He says he doesn't love me anymore. We want to go to counselling and try, because at least if we do split we can say we did everything possible. It has all stemmed from when i mc in Feb i think. I got pg v quickly after, but totally withdrew into myself. Another woman paid him attention and when i was 15 weeks pg he kissed her. Since then i have been terrified and not let him out of my sight, have withdrawn love from him and affection, etc. He would say he loved me and i wouldnt even say anything back.

He is behaving oddly now - saying he doesn't love me, then when i had a 'revelation' this morning saying to him that maybe because of my self worth i should just quit now, i have alot to offer a man etc, he gets upset. We have had sex this weekend too but I'm not allowing that anymore - he can't reach out to me on the sofa, but tries to have sex. I told him today no more of that and he agreed. He said he wants his affection to be true when he does it, and i think thats best too.

He is not nasty; I'm 38+3 weeks with dc4 and he is caring for me and the dc. I have enough money, etc. He is a fantastic father and really wants to go to Relate, but isnt commiting himself to saying he wants our marriage to work.

I'm scared about the appointment, what we will have to talk about, what he will say that will just hurt me more, Relate isn't superglue .

What will happen, any advice, nice things to say to me? Feel like im living life blindfolded. Please dont think he's nasty hes not, its been such a hard year, 2009 has.

It's far, far too early to say it isn't going to work. Sounds like it's hit rock bottom and hasn't started to climb up yet, which is a different thing. Don't despair.

Part of the trouble is at the moment he's getting massively mixed messages from you - you're even contradicting yourself here, from one post to the next - no wonder he is confused. At the same time he's feeding you the mixed messages in return, so quite probably he's feeling the same turmoil you are. Neither of you know just what you want at this point. You're bewildered and tired. Hopefully the counselling will start to clarify things, but don't expect the first session to magically sort anything (it might, but it probably won't).

Just try to be kind to yourselves and each other. You are not a bad person any more than he is, but sometimes nice people behave badly. As a mother, you know this - you don't dump your children in the orphanage after they've been little turds for an afternoon. You're with them for the long haul, but sometimes it's hard work. My philosophy is, adults are just children who got big. We all need working on sometimes.

From reading through all your posts I would say that going to counselling is exactly the right thing for the two of you now.

My experience of counselling was that it helps you to get some clarity on how you actually feel, rather than how you think you should feel. If that makes any sense. Our counsellor was pretty quick at working out the dynamic that existed between us and how it affected our relationship.

I wish you luck with this. Before the counselling I realised that I had essentially sleep-walked through my marriage. The self-knowledge that it can potentially provide is empowering regardless of the outcome.

Is it always going to hurt so much, week to week of counselling? How long will it take to know an outcome?

Feel so totally lost and alone. Whenever thins go wrong dh always sorts it and now he can't. I'm exhausted.

Going to counselling isn't necessarily an immediate fix for the pain that you're feeling. Everyone is different of course, but I found that the pain I went into counselling with was replaced by a different sort of hurt. You feel that you are blowing away all the crap that obscures the problem. It can hurt because you have to face the real reasons for why things have gone wrong, some of which may be your responsibility. But with that knowledge you can try and do something about the problem.

How long will it take? How long is a piece of string? We were in counselling for months. I think that you will know when you have reached a conclusion. It just depends on what you find in the sessions. Remember that the counsellor is there to enable the two of you to communicate, they aren't there to make decisions for you.

No, no, it won't always hurt so much. You have to get the splinter out before the wound can heal. It's going to prick a bit, can't be helped, but then it'll get better.

No-one can say how long this will take, as everyone is different. If you're both willing to go with it and the counsellor is skilled you may start to see improvements from Day 1. But don't be too anxious if it doesn't happen immediately, because the first session is usually about setting the scene and seeing if you can work with that counsellor. The real work starts next year. And yes, it might hurt sometimes, but in a sense this is the two of you working together again as you used to do (only with a referee!) so it is good. And things will get better, one way or another. This is the dark time. The first light when the counsellor switches it on may show some things you didn't want to see, but anything is better than stumbling along blindly into who knows what abyss. Once you can see your way you can get to a better place.

Hmm, that sounds a bit like I'm talking to a child, sorry about that. I think best in metaphors.

or, yeah, what Geekdad said.

I can't imagine months of this but i guess with each session there will be a little more clearness, more time will have passed, and then get nearer to a conclusion?

I'm finding his behaviour so confusing. He keeps asking if im ok, have something on my mind...but he doesn't touch me at all or contact me during the day. He seems to want to get out of the house every evening (Relate tonight, Gym tomorrow, Friends last night) but comes home at like 9pmish instead of when he knows im asleep. Says im 'hot', tries to have sex all weekend (we did saturday and sunday), but then will say he wants physical contact to be genuine.

He says he doesnt love me but seems very keen on Relate. Is being normal with the dc. We chat all the time about work, things on tv, the news, friends, events etc. But daily he will come out with something, like last night it was about going to CAB to see about money/assets/belongings if we split. So i suggested a solicitors appt to see how divorce works and he shit himself.

It's so condradictory. But what Annie said sits well - its hit rock bottom and hasnt started on the up yet. I suppose he hasnt even been back a while - he came back friday night, worked all day saturday and out for do all saturday night. Spent sunday here. Worked yesterday and out last night, work today.

I suppose its good that he wants to attend Relate, even if at the moment its 'just' for clarification? He said last night at least the counsellor will be impartial.

Just having such a bad day today, i need to get through today with some dignity and strength.

My arm is so sorefrom my jab yesterday, i have 3dc to do, I'm 39 weeks pregnant. I'm existing off vitamin pills and tea, pretty much.

I want to ring the 'old' him iyswim and tell him that someone is making me feel this way. He would have fixed it straight away, kissed it away, wrapped me up and sorted it. I miss him.

I feel hurt he went to a friends last night, he must have talked about it with her but i don't feel i can ask him. I want him to talk to me instead.

I don't understand if he says he doesn't love me, why he wants Relate? Wouldn't you just go? He has said it's so we can say we tried everything, but it feels like he is almost using it say 'Well i did try...'

It was 2 weeks ago today he said he was leaving . 3 weeks ago it was my birthday and in the card it says he loves me lots.

I want to text him, but i prob wont get a reply, whats the point?

Scorps, I feel for you I really do. You sound just like I was feeling at the beginning of the year. I felt as if I had lost my H, emotionally and physically. In a way, you just have to back off as much as possible and try and be as independent as possible. Make him feel that he is not essential to your wellbeing and happiness. I know that is the complete opposite of what you actually feel. I was so "wired" and emotional at that time (and I wasn't pregnant like you) and you feel your whole is turning upside down and you have no control.

Maybe you will feel better after the session at Relate and have a better idea of what he is thinking.

I'm trying to be brave but it isn't working well. I am brave when he is here though, and only confiding in one RL friend who i know won't tell him anything.

It's so confusing. I get up in the mornings and he asks if i'm ok, why don't i get back in bed, etc.

God if i waasn't pregnant i would be on a huge bender right now.

I'm so scared of having this baby, of having the strength to give birth, of coping with all this on no sleep. I'm 38+4 today and could have her any day.

It sounds like you're in a really difficult, painful situation, and I really feel for you.

I can totally understand your doubts about his motivation for going to Relate, i.e. the possibility that he is not doing it in the hope that you can make it work, but simply so that he can say "hey, I ticked all the boxes" and walk away with a clear conscience. If I were in your shoes, I would probably have the same suspicions.
I also think that him telling you that he doesn't love you must be incredibly painful - I've been there, and it was devastating.

But you've got 7 years of history, and I think that has to count for something - I think it counts for a lot.
I understand why you sometimes feel like just ending it right now, instead of going through with the counselling process, but I think you should see it through.

Maybe it will turn out that your marriage can't be salvaged, and that going ahead with counselling was just prolonging the pain. But maybe it will work. You can't know unless you try, and I do think that it's worth trying.

I can give you a vewpoint from the other side. I told my husband I wasn't in love with him anymore and wanted to leave in october.
I also wanted to go to Relate rather than just leave, because although I knew the way I was feeling, I didn't like it one bit IYSWIM. It's very scary to throw away all those years of marriage without at least giving counselling a try to make things better, and in the beginning I believed there was a chance I might change my mind.

Unfortunately in my case, Relate has confirmed to me the way I am feeling is not a whim and my husband hasn't given it a chance at all. He'd be happier with a magic wand.

This is what I wish my husband had done for me...chucked me out and stopped contact and that's probably the best thing you could do (obviously a lot harder for you as you are pregnant). Then there is a very good chance I would have missed him and realised what I had with him. But because he is intent on not letting me go, I have lost all respect for him as well as all the love.

Thanks it's helping me to talk here.

Yes it hurts so much. I keep thinking maybe he is confused, maybe the relationship is a bit wrong at the mo but not me iyswim.

Just the lack of emotional/physical contact is terrible. So hard to understand as he is still seeing friends etc, but doesn't contact me at all when we used to text alot during the working day.

Roxi - thats why i keep thinking fuck it, just drop it and let it go. It would be less painful and emotional; but he is the one constantly saying about Relate, i only said about splitting yesterday and he doesnt seem to want that. He sways from one thing to another. He is non-commital at this stage to an outcome.

Roxi, what do you mean your husband didnt give it a chance?

Give the counselling a go then Scorps, if he was 100% decided he didn't want you anymore he would be off without a doubt.
He is probably really confused himself about the way he is feeling(not defending him because his timing is atrocious, but know what it's like to be in the position he's in).

This wouldn't apply in your situation but mine has changed into a nasty agressive bully and it is a real shame because the counselling might have worked for me.

If you do go, try and have a bit of patience (I know that's easier said than done when you are the aggrieved party), but it's not going to work overnight.

I just think it's a positive thing for your relationship that he wants to do it, it means that his mind is not made up yet and he is not giving up on you both without at least trying to sort it.

I'm going to go, and try. Maybe in a month or so things will be a tad better, we would have had 3 sessions by then. And the baby will be here too.

All the 'bad' things he has said are sticking in my brain and it all just feels impossible.

Bad day today. Keep thinking i will never have a happy marriage again, no-one will want someone with 4dc. I don't wanna have to enter the dating game again, get used for sex.

Thinking of you this eve - I hope you are OK

Session was painful but I knew most of the things he said already. Counsellor lady was lovely.

Only thing is as a rule they don't counsel until 6 weeks postnatal, so we are literally looking at this Situaion until February. We are both knocked for six at this.

He apologised, but has to be honest. I'm feeling more and more that I may be worth more than this. We have agreed to do Xmas and new baby and reasses in a few weeks. Tbh I think this is pretty much it. I feel oddly resolute about that.

Was thinking of you. So sorry you have to go through this, especially now. You know my feeling about it, so won't repeat it. But yes, of course you are worth more than this. If he (and you - I'm not saying you're 100% right, none of us are) can and do change, then good. If not, however, you can't go on having sex one day and hearing you're not loved the next, that's rubbish. You're in my thoughts.

Also thinking of you. I've been there, and it is rotten. I think the baby makes things so much more difficult for you right now, but once you're over the first few weeks and if he still behaves in such a contradictory way, I'd ask him to leave.

I think that will force him to re evaluate what he has, and will bring the situation to a head. I wish I'd done it sooner, but I know it takes time to get to the point where you're ready, and with a baby imminent I can quite understand why it isn't now.

I'd be wary of your dh confiding so much in a female friend. This is how an affair started for H. It's not appropriate that he's sharing information about your relationship with anyone other than you.

Wishing you all the very best for the birth x

scorps - just seen this - how are you?

Tired - tbh if he was to have an affair it would mak it easier! He is talking to friends as he has never done that before and I think that he wants to air himself to see if that helps rather than bottling up iyswim. He is not a nasty person, just confused I think.

Hi ellie I'm ok and feel a bit stronger, almost like I know this is it now and that i hope to meet a new husband one day, one who won't treat me as he has. As each day goes past I recognise more about me that is good.

Hi sal I'm ok, I feel hurt and a bit battered but he isn't being nasty, just honest. He was crying too in relate. He said he is there cos he wants to be a father an happy. He doesn't want to make a rash decision and regret it... But I'm thinking there is only so long.

Sorry I can't see who wrote about kicking him out after baby and him realising ( I'm on my iPhone) but I really think this may be a reality.

We both liked the counsellor an felt relate was positive.