ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched

[BEAUTlFUL]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Come in here and chat about erection-texts, lechy lecturers and getting the painters in.

Hi Dumplings,

I have just booked a holiday for myself and little one, I am going windsurfing and waterskiing and there is a kids club so I can have a break for 1-2 hours a day and little one can hang out with the other kids.

Lots of hassle from X to get his permission, he said Greece was dangerous as there are terrorists there

Seems I didn't need his permission at all anyway, got a fab deal at a Neilson resort with free kids place.

X looked at my profile on Match.com so am going to cancel that, it is freaking me out a bit. I have decided I am very happy to be single for the moment, I am waking up with a smile on my face so I am giving it a break for the moment. A Friend With Benefit would be nice but I can't have everything, can I!

On the other hand, I am training hard to look fabulous in a bikini, I still have 4 pounds to go and I am the same weight when I was 18 There may be some good looking surf instructors arounds, you never know!

You go Dutchy - am very impressd at your body regime. And yes I do feel the same -heppy to be single at the moment. I feel I need to be sorted in myself and ready to move on. Not that I havent thought about any of those Friends with Benefits sites Glad you have a holiday booked -sounds absolutely ideal!

Starting -sorry you have the mother troubles too. It really has hit home to me that I never had a proper supportive mother my whole life. When told of my Hs affair, my mother said no wonder he had the affair if I was as horrible to him as I was to her. I kid you not. Totally unjustified as well. She is a narcissistic unpleasant person (mild comment for internet)- glad I have virtually no contact now.

If yourehappy I so appreciate your Valentines spirit and will be following it part of the day.

Hope all have a lovely weekend!

Hi all - massage booked for Sunday!! should be wonderful, is at really nice alternativeish spa shoppy place

Have a lovely day 2 morrow Happy x

Evening Fellow Dumplings, hope you all had a nice Valentine's Day. I had a fantastic weekend away. I feel renewed like I had a mini holiday.

On reflection after being away for the weekend I've decided not to go ahead with the volunteer work. I've decided I really need to be as kind to myself as possible for now & so I'm going to look into a meditation group or something similarly positive instead.

Also great news re course. Because there are several people like me who won't be able to continue next year because of it being fully residential they are now looking at trying to do about half residential & half none. This means with a bit of luck I should be able to continue on. They'll have the programme done out in about two weeks so I'll know for deffinate then. I'm really happy about that cause I really love this course.

Mumfun, sorry to hear your mother hasn't been able to give you the support you deserved. My mother is a million times better than what she used to be but equally she know's not to push my bounderies now.

Dutchy, that sounds great, way to go girl!

Ifyourhappy, hope you had a fab massage.

Maybees, hope you're keeping well.

Evening all.

Starting, glad you had a good weekend and looks like good news then on the course front.

Maybees, Mumfun, Dutchy et al, hope it's gone well today.

My massage was bliss , although quite painful in parts . Am wondering how my body will feel tomorrow.

Hope everyone is good!

We have gone from snot to vomit in the last 48hrs ,so pj day for us 2day .

H trying his best to help ,just decided to take it one step at a time .Don't really know what's best 2 do in that dept.If he is making an effort,cleaned up his act and being courteous to me then that is more positive .We both know the boundaries have changed re acceptable behaviour and we both know I will never be happy always stressed etc if things were to go back to the way they were so will take things slow and see what happens.All advice welcome (please dont hold back)

Dutchy holiday sounds fab, always fancied water ski ing so v jealous x

Mumfun hope ur cool x

Happy massage sounds great, must do something myself soon ,def wot it is all about x

Startin glad you had a great weekend fingers crossed re college, meditation sounds fab ,I used to do a yoga class and did a little chanting and relaxation work lovely for calming the soul.

Seem to move from rage to tears to peace at regular intervals recently so trying to aim for more peace this week .

More peace - less vomit!

Big hugs x

Ok so that was quick -H just called me an arsehole in my own living room and I thought he better leave .He told me that he had managed to get his drinking sorted on his own because I was never there to support him.I reminded him that I had been there but he was always drunk or out with his friends drinking .He said "Well its all about you isnt it"Havent heard that one for a while .Went to alanon last night really helps to keep me grounded ,wanted to give him a fair chance for the kids etc but cant take that.

Hope your cool Startin good luck for 2morrow !

Take care x

Hi Maybees,I wasn't able to access mumsnet last night so only reading both your posts now. I was going to just say thread warily. I've been in that place when then suddenly start to behave nice & you're suddenly thinking happy families again......... Can't be helped!!!!!!! Unfortunately rarely lasts unless they've gone to great lengths to change i.e. 12 step prog, rehab or counselling etc.

I was told that the reason he had to take ad was because of living with me ! That was the least of his probs but anyway you wouldn't want to be taking much notice of comments like that.

Hope the bug has cleared up.

I sent a text to police officer handling case yesterday as I hadn't heard anything & she text back to say I wouldn't be needed tomorrow but that case was going ahead. So I've no idea really what's going on but I'm out of it for now anyway.

Got a phone call today telling me about a bad fist fight exh go into about two weeks ago. This is a man who wears a suit everyday, runs his own business, highly involved in politics (was going to run for office)?????????? Person told me he was completely unstable & psychotic.......fills me with fear for my poor dc's. I'm going to have to battle him on access when really all I want is for them to have a great relationship with him. Also for my own sake as it would mean I could continue with college etc.. Ah well, onwards & upwards.

Collected dd early from school today & brought dc's to zoo. Was a lovely day here today so they had a great time. Had dinner already prepared before going so all I'd to do on return was yummy pancakes.

To be honest all I can do is keep myself strong and look after myself ,really upsetting ,dont know how you are meant to handle it.He just doesnt think he is wrong when he swears at me and I am not meant to get angry .I just flipped it - in my head I just thought after everything I have spoken to him about, re building trust but he thinks its ok to call me an arsehole.Then he tells me I need to calm down.You just swore at me you twunt ,I have enjoyed 3mths of not been sworn at therefore swearing at me will upset me - work it out mate.

So sorry to hear about your ex Startin,you deserve a week that he doesnt bring you some drama or another.Good you dont need 2 do the court thing,would have been less stress if they had let you know,eh!

Ds just sick once 2day so hope we re past the worst .

Take care x

Hi girls

Starting, glad to hear that you're not needed tomorrow. Whilst I know it's all still awful, at least it must be a big relief that you don't have to go.

Maybees, sorry to hear that you're still going through lots of crap. Things will get better!

An up and down day for me today. Still feeling the benefits of my weekend massage but had to talk with XH and solicitor today and didn't enjoy that! Ah well, off for a bit of a break later this week, so nice to have that to look forward to . And continuing to ease my pain with retail therapy - important I do things I enjoy don't you think?

Maybees, my advice to you from someone who has been through all that crap is let you h go for now. You need to really mind yourself & dc's. You h has proved over & over again that he is not capable of being in a loving relationship for now. It is not right for him to swear at you under any circumstances. But if your dc's are also listening to this then it's time to pull the plug.

It's very hard emotionally but you'll get through this Maybees & come out stronger.

Glad your ds is on the mend at least.

Hi Ifyourhappy, x post. Glad to hear you're seeking relief with some retail therapy . Hope you have a lovely break. Seperations, solicitors, etc are a bummer.

i just cant be bothered anymore i just wish he would find accomodation and move on .Think he is always going to have another agenda ,he is always going 2b number one in his own world, thanks 4 ur thoughts ladies x

Thanks Starting...

Maybees - agree with Starting on her thoughts re: your situation - sounds like good advice I think.

Ah Maybees, this too shall pass..........hang in there. Has he moved back in?? Or do you mean you wish he'd move to a different area??

I wish BE would go off far away with Country Bumpkin to new accommodation

He has never found proper accommodation since we seperated so difficult to have routine for kids visits etc.No input whatsoever from in laws( over xmas etc )since the split .
Have said it b4 ,but only trying again now for the kids.You wouldn't see me for dust if on my own.Last 3mths has shown me that I can do this fine on my own,just the odd wobble.
Problem is he wants to be with us ,didnt drink this weekend he has made an effort and i respect him for that .Looking better and taking better care of himself ,but he thinks he can walk back in and start again without talking about what has happened.Months ago he suggested counselling and i said go ahead and organise it.He didnt.Yesterday i called and put us on a waiting list.He doesnt think it necessary.I just think I have to discuss the past,learn what i can from our mistakes and put it to rest.He thinks we just sweep it under the carpet and carry on "happy famillies"

Would never discuss any of it in front of the kids.They were tucked up in bed snoring last night.

He still thinks I have to accept the swearing as part of him.I said he can manage to have a conversation with others without swearing so he has to work on it cos it will always be unacceptable to me .

That is when he left .

I just dont think we can discuss our relationship without a 3rd party at the moment.He gets so upset walks out etc dont know how i am meant to communicate with him.
I dont want to give messages out that all is well when its not.Major trust issues on my part.
He wont appear now til the weekend so i will enjoy the peace .
Kids off til friday,really miss the structure off my normal week . Too much time to dwell on things this week.

Can't believe this is my REAL life at the moment ,but hey expect the unexpected !

Sorry had trouble getting into Mn this week

MB S sorry your man is behaving like this. The lack of respect is just not on! Starting is right and she knows her onions - if they havent gone through a serious programme, they cant change! Sorry its hard to hear.

IfYour - yes would be happy not to see H (on present feelings) but again DCs would be really sad. Glad re your break - they make such a difference - and your retail therapy. Have been doing a bit of that since I got a sizeable tax refund last week

Starting glad you didnt have to attend court but sad how your H can behave - a hard thing to have at the back of your mind

Well DS was diagnosed as Aspergers this week. I wasnt surprised but H is very upset.Hes a great child and Im used to him and his ways but its always hard to have your child be different and have a tougher road through life. Even more cross with H. He knew that it had been mentioned for a long time that the school felt he had an issue and might be AS so just went ahead and had long term affair and broke up our relationship to add to the difficulties DS has to face in life!

Had some of the books already but now working my way through them in more concentrated 'this is reality now' way.

Having a good half term break though and a happy weekend planned.

Waves to all other dumplings, Dutchy, Mavis etc. Where are Beauty, Loobie and Caramela? Hope not in funks but having great social lives!

Thanks Mumfun-big hugs re ds .Completely with you on the H thing.Totally selfish all of 'em.Dont think of harm they are doing to their families and we are left to be the grown ups.

Was reading another post and had some good books on it I might read; need some more empowerment after a crap weekend, fell on my arse completely.Really fell for his "I want a future with you "bullshit.Major blow to my fabulosity!I just remember way back in the early days I thought this was my only chance to escape so I had to grab it.Cant let myself and dcs down now.Think I have been in an abusive relationship for 15yrs and have always been trying to deny it, please him,make excuses for his mean /charming behaviour. Read a list tonite and i ticked most of the boxes. Just feel so ashamed .Best take the step not to make it 16yrs.
I need space away from him now to heal .Taking no responsibility is apparently classic abuser behaviour .Dont think any programme would fix that.Think me raising my standards will always leave him frustrated,nobody to bully when he comes home.I have to aim for dignity and peace to handle this.Think i will order books then go to bed nite nite x

ps old bloke at alanon called me a wee sweetheart and said i'd do alright !
Made me smile (even if it was a little bit creepy)

Hi Maybees, sorry it really does not sound great but I'm reluctant to say anything further because you'll figure this out in the right way for yourself. I remember those days of having disbelief that this was my REAL life!!

Hi Mumfun, great to see you back. I'm really sorry to hear you've had the extra worry with ds being diagnosed with Aspergers. You sound like you've a very good handle on it though which must really take the pressure off. This is probably poor consolation but I guess all children will face difficulties at some point or other.

I'm sending you virtual hugs anyway. Very hard to deal with the extra burdens when you've already had such a hard time with exh. Hopefully things will get a bit easier for you now & maybe with the diagnosis you will be able to get a bit of extra support with ds. Enjoy the retail therapy.

Well, I happened to bump into the police officer handling the case today in supermarket. Probably a bit inappropriate but I couldn't help myself & launched into asking how today had gone . It was only in for mention so it'll be in for proper hearing probably at the end of March & I'll have to attend then. I ended up telling her about the message on his phone & she's going to keep a check on his phone.

I also told her that I'd heard he was in a fight two weeks ago in his business & she was already aware of it!! She didn't say much but a different branch were called out to incident. She must be keeping a check on him though to say that she was aware of it. Finally, I ended up telling her he was looking for access to dc's & that I was concerned as nothing had been done about the last incident that occured when he had dc's. She's now going to follow this up aswell but said that judging by his behaviour today & in the past there is no way he should have access to dc's (and is prepared to testify to this).

I hate going down this road, I would much prefer dc's to have access but I cannot take a risk of anything happening with dc's again. I kept the poor woman talking for about 20mins, felt slightly mortified afterwards but she is really nice so I'm sure she understood I was just a bit wound up!!

Oh, also met bil in supermarket & he cut me dead!!!!! Fu*king asshole!!!!!!!!!

Hi y'all - good to hear how you're all getting on. So much in the habit of coming here that feel like I need to check in after a night out!

Sounds like all of us have plenty of reasons to wonder whether this is REAL life at the moment, with police in supermarkets, DS diagnoses and H's in and out attempting to create havoc. Don't know if anyone else feels the same, but I find that it's often hard to know what to say to people when they ask how it's going. I swing between saying "oh, yeah all fine" (because actually my life is so bizarre at times that I think where would I start ffs) and sharing stuff if it feels like it's the right thing to do. Sometimes if I do say all is fine, also, I guess that maybe things do seem finer too IYSWIM. Interesting how it's so much easier to talk to some than others too and some just can't relate to our worlds.

Mumfun, feel for you on the DS front, I've looked at all of the same stuff as my DS has some AS like traits also.

Hi Ifyourhappy, Glad you had a night out. I agree completely about the whole issue of knowing what to say to others. I think most people who ask are probably praying you'll say fine & I'd say would run for the hills if you actually told them the truth!!

Christ ladies I've had a fairly traumatic evening. I had my dog neutered today & she started to bleed profusely this evening. I had to get someone to mind the dc's & tg managed to get hold of vet. She's being operated as I type, it's 50/50 if she'll survive but vet said he'd do everything possible to save her. Feel a bit weepy from the whole thing.

To top it all off someone I know vagely is going through serious marital problems & landed at my door yesterday & today. He's very traumatised but I'm hoping to god he won't plague me. I know that sounds awful but he just turns up on my door very distressed & I'm trying to keep dc's out of room etc.. God love him though, I hope it works out for them.

Glad to see you were on a nite out Happy.Keep up the good work!!!!

Glad you got a chat with ur copper Startin'sorry about ur twat BIL.

Have managed to dry my eyes and get on with things 2day in a completely self indulgent "me" day which consisted of lots of cups of tea ,a whole packet of chocolate fingers and reading lots of stories on MN.DCs content to play -so result!Lots of threads have given me food for thought and light bulb moments.Interesting to look back at when H really started to disconnect with me .A couple of yrs ago he became friends with a guy .Suddenly he was texting like a teenager,hiding his phone and not really talking to me .Just all got a bit sneaky .Texted real disrespectful things about me to mate , to justify his behaviour .I suppose it made him feel good to make me the bad guy .I suppose it made him feel young and excited to do best friends with a mate.I just dont understand why he put his family at risk.2yrs ago he never went for a drink after work(3cans at home no angel)and never used a mobile phone.
Now completely morphed into this twunt.

So 2day I deleted all texts from H deleted mob no so i would have to search 4it incase of an emergency and not made contact at all.Definately healthier for me now I feel I have regained some control.Phone now switched off.Not cried once 2day.

So emotional by the end of yesterday that I told him he was a complete C

So complete loss of dignity and serenity but hey i wasnt lying.

So lets hope for a peaceful weekend with more chocolate and sunshine

Take care x